I married my late best friend's husband It wasn't planned or expected, AMA

[Elenarodriguez]

I know the title probably sounds wild, so I'll try to explain

My husband and I have actually known each other since high school. He was married to my best friend, who was also my childhood friend. The three of us had known each other for years, and she and I were incredibly close. Our families were close too, and I was basically an aunt to her kids

I got divorced about 10 years ago and have two kids. My husband had three kids with my best friend.

About six years ago, she passed away after a long illness. During the last part of her illness, I spent a lot of time with her and helping take care of the kids. After she passed, I stayed very close to her children and continued being there for them, just like I always had been

A few years later, my husband and I started developing feelings for each other. It wasn't something we planned or expected, and honest it was incredibly complicated emotionally........We dated for a few years before eventually deciding to get married

We've now been married for a while, and surprisingly, it's actually a really good marriage. Our kids are part of our family, and we've tried to handle everything with as much love and respect as possible

I still miss my best friend. I don't think marrying her husband somehow replaces her or changes what she meant to me. She will always be part of my life and the history of our family

I know some people will think what we did was wrong, while others may understand it

So... AMA

I knew the timeline wasn’t as long as you had initially tried to position it.

If I found out my son in law and dd childhood best friend started shagging in her home 6 months after she died while sneaking around with my grand kids it would turn my stomach.

But I’m old enough to know some men are led by their dick and ruled by who shares their bed. I wouldn’t want to see a sign of pretend faux grief from either of them but I wouldn’t keep it to my husband and family and play the game to ensure I didn’t lose access to my grand kids.

I Imagine a lot of people secretly did and do judge you both but two people who are capable of having sex 6 months after losing a spouse and best friend wouldn’t particularly care.

I wonder how her children will feel when they are adults having relationships of their own and put together the timeline.

I agree a man will always find another wife as soon as possible. It seems likely there would be trauma bonding too. I don’t really think there is anything wrong per sae, but I imagine it to be a very transactional relationship

Many men can’t be alone. Especially with kids, so I’m not surprised he may ave went for the path of least resistance here.

but I do judge the op on this, acting like she’s the kids other mother, shagging her husband and basically stepping into her life. And still calling her her bestie.

its honestly so utterly distasteful

Agree with this

HRTFT so this may have been asked. I have a friend that married her best friend's DH after she died. There were no children involved when they married.
All three were religious and firmly believed in heaven. I often wondered what that thought would happen when they all died, polygomy in the afterlife?. Has this passed your mind?

In your first post you said it was several years after she died that you developed feelings, in a later post it's 6 months. If your were in a relationship with your dead best friend's husband within 6 months, that's really distasteful.

I say that as someone whose best friend died, and whose husband's I've known since childhood. My job during this first few years after she died was to support her husband, not sleep with him.

I think you actually sound lovely and considerate and I think this happens alot more than people realise

OP, my MIL had a similar situation. She and FIL were good friends with another couple. Both the husbands died and the two wives got together.

I wouldn't have a problem with this at all- if I were to die I'd like to think of my husband being happy with one of my friends. My only concern would be whether the children were ok with it all, but if they are then to me it seems a good outcome.

It sounded lovely in your first post because it was after a few years.

Then it moved to shagging your best friend's ex after 6 months!

That's disrespectful and distasteful and neither of you would have fully grieved in that short space of time, especially her kids.

They may be too young to realise it now but when older they will consider it disrespectful to their mom.

I can see why 6 months feels a short time for a physical relationship but I think sometimes in grief you need just that - the physical.

The fact you started dating a year later shows the relationship changed from need to want?

And I guess 6 months sounds short to people. But you mentioned your friend was ill for a long time?

I do think that can change feelings because you begin to grieve before the death for the future you know you won’t have together.

But you sound happy and the kids sound happy. And I’m
sure you’re friend will be happy
knowing her kids are happy too.

Who needs enemies

My best friend has been with my ex-boyfriend for the last 20 years. I was happy for them both from the start - I had fallen out of love with him but still cared about him.

The funny thing was reactions from other friends around us - convinced I'd be jealous!

My question - What has been the reaction from other people who knew her and you both?

It sounds absolutely idyllic. So there were absolutely no problems whatsoever?
Everyone happy? Everyone loved up?.

Can you not see the difference, like seriously ?

Yeah it doesn’t. We have all suffered losses. None of them married their deceased partners best friend, and none of them were shagging them within 6 months,

Apologies if I have missed it but did your ex husband pass comment on your new relationship? Were you still with him when your friend became ill? Did your friend ever say to you that she hoped her husband would remarry upon her death?

Would you wonder whether two unmarried people fell in love after a period of mourning and decided to marry each other?

What do you think she would have thought about you sleeping with her husband 6 months after her death?

Oh, and why did you want to get married?

I’d wonder if someone proclaiming to be the deceased best friend started playing mum to her kids and shagging her husband within six months yes. And then procialimed if was fine as she’d been sick for 3 years. Whilst still calling her her bestie.

id break contact to be honest. The thought of someone shagging their deceased wives best friend in her bed, or the best friend shagging her husband 9n her bed, within six months of her dying would be too distasteful for me.

id think she saw her chance and wanted to swoop in and get him whilst he was still grieving and hadn’t the chance to meet anyone else. And I’d think he just wanted a replacement to make his life easier. Someone who would have sex with him and care for the kids.

When people are terminally ill for long periods the mourning process can start before they die. It's not at all unusual for the widow(er) / bereaved to move on quite quickly. Nobody should judge.

It’s not him I’m judging,

Oh I'm judging both of them. Someone always says 'the grieving process often starts when the person got ill' which I also roll my eyes at tbh.

Same here. The grieving process starts when the person dies. If your loved one is alive, that's what you cherish. You don't just act as if they have already passed away.

Yeah I get that, but I think within six months it is more understandable you feel bereft, lost, unsure how to cope, especially with kids, so I find it a little more understandable, as you’re so vulnerable. Still distasteful but I can see how it can happen.

i do judge the op more. Playing mum, shagging her friends widow. Within literal months when he would be completely lost at thay point and worried for the future and how he will cope.

i really hope it wasn’t in her bed. And I agree with a pp everyone who knows them is judging, they just aren’t saying anything.