I married my late best friend's husband It wasn't planned or expected, AMA

[Elenarodriguez]

I know the title probably sounds wild, so I'll try to explain

My husband and I have actually known each other since high school. He was married to my best friend, who was also my childhood friend. The three of us had known each other for years, and she and I were incredibly close. Our families were close too, and I was basically an aunt to her kids

I got divorced about 10 years ago and have two kids. My husband had three kids with my best friend.

About six years ago, she passed away after a long illness. During the last part of her illness, I spent a lot of time with her and helping take care of the kids. After she passed, I stayed very close to her children and continued being there for them, just like I always had been

A few years later, my husband and I started developing feelings for each other. It wasn't something we planned or expected, and honest it was incredibly complicated emotionally........We dated for a few years before eventually deciding to get married

We've now been married for a while, and surprisingly, it's actually a really good marriage. Our kids are part of our family, and we've tried to handle everything with as much love and respect as possible

I still miss my best friend. I don't think marrying her husband somehow replaces her or changes what she meant to me. She will always be part of my life and the history of our family

I know some people will think what we did was wrong, while others may understand it

So... AMA

Have you actually been in that position with a partner because it absolutely 100 does start when the person is ill and when you know thy wont get better

that’s the point your entire world is turned on its head. When everything and every dream you had is completely crushed. It’s when you know you’re going to be on your own but you don’t know when. It’s waking up every day knowing you’re one day closer to the end and you still have to try and carry on for your kids and your family

Your relationship with your partner is never going to be what it was, you’re planning for a life without them and you’re stuck in the most hideous no man’s land.

And when your partner gets really ill you’re not sitting there making memories and enjoying every last minute you’re waiting for the nightmare to be over so none of you have to go through this anymore. And you’re still trying to get your kids to school, do bedtime, deal with homework, make sure they’re at their football matches, trying not to frighten them without giving them false hope

NOTHING and I mean NOTHING on my life has ever ever been as hard as that period. That was the grieving

Once he had died we had closure, we were sad he wasn’t there and that doesn’t get easier as he misses so much of the kids lives and they don’t have him but that level of grief and sadness doesn’t even begin to touch the grieving before he died

So Unless you’ve walked in those shoes keep your eye rolling to yourself. And if you HAVE walked those shoes recognise that everyone’s grief is different and none of us can judge

My wife was talking about her worries for our kids if she were to die now.

The look on her (divorced) best friends face when I said that she would have to marry me to save them was a classic. No B*y way

Well said, I completely agree.

You mean two women entered a lesbian relationship after the death of their male spouses? Or they just combined households? Were they both openly bisexual during their marriages?

The only thing I would add is that it is great all the kids are happy with everything right now but it’s also ok if in the future they have questions and feel confused. Slightly different but my dad brought another woman into the bed my mum had died in suddenly 7 months earlier and at the time I was up to my neck in grief and wanted my mum or failing that a mother figure so I came across as happy about it. It’s only as I grew up that it affected me. So if any of your dc feel troubled or have questions any time in the future please let them
have their feelings, be honest with them (don’t fudge timelines). Losing a parent as a child is incredibly hard and grief isn’t linear - there are lots of ups and downs and they shouldn’t be ignored or brushed away. Hopefully if you are open and honest and they feel safe to come to you with any thoughts etc then it will all come good.

I think your best friend would be happy for you. She would know her DC had a loving and kind Step Mum. I hope you all remain happy together.

A few years later, my husband and I started developing feelings for each other. It wasn't something we planned or expected

We dated for a few years before eventually deciding to get married

We've now been married for a while, and surprisingly, it's actually a really good marriage.

Your timeline is dodgy. Making it out to be ages before feelings, long time before marriage yet you’re married a good while? Turns out half a year after your BFF lost her life, the friend she counted on to look after her DH and DC in their grief was sha**ing her man.

Each to their own, but seems you maybe jumped in quick whilst his poor first wife lost her life.

Erm.....what is "wrong" with it?

I think this is quite common.

I know someone who married their best friend's husband after the friend died and none of those things crossed my mind. It might not be that unusual.

It makes sense that they'd already have shared values and interests as well as the experience of bereavement to build the relationship on.

This 👍

Nobodies hurt or been cheated on as far as I understand so it’s fine.

I’m so pleased for all of you that such good eventuality came out of such sad circumstances 💐

6 months is completely inappropriate ffs

I have heard it suggested that when someone is dying their partners sometimes and understandably start thinking 'what next'

I had a previous relationship, not a bad one at all but it had run its course and I started thinking 'what next' - my ex is still very much alive BTW so when she stopped returning my calls and someone else showed an interest in me off it went.

So you shacked up together when she was barley cold?

Jesus this is horrendous, you started shagging your dead best friends husband after 6 months? Is doesn’t matter how long she was ill for.

How do you think your friend would feel about this? Think she would give you her blessing?

Edited because it took a second read to realise that you took advantage of his grief to start shagging him 6 months after your "bestie" died.

Not ok.

Men often aren’t good at being alone after the death of a partner, especially if their kids are young; and often find a replacement quicker than widowed woman do.

If another woman made herself emotionally available to lean on, straight after the spouse’s death and help with his kids, he is not going to want to let that go is he? Were his family members not helping with the kids also? Early on after her death were you round there a lot, and felt a connection then?

Each to your own. I find the fact that you had a physical relationship so soon after the death and before you starting dating quite distasteful.
The husband never had a time of being single and clear headed.
Hope it works out well for you all long term.

She might. I think I would if shoe icon other foot. Life goes on. I wouldn't want my DH to be alone forever. It doesn't mean there was anything untoward whilst you were still alive. If a new relationship helps to ease the pain of grief then who is to say 6 months is too soon. Everyone is different. I do understand why you would be offended though by this....
I think unless you've been there you can't judge. We didn't know how any of us would feel in the same circumstances

I actually don’t find this remotely distasteful or problematic. I’ve explained below my feelings around grief and if the friend was ill for 3 years before her death then the husbands feelings will have been largely processed before she died

I genuinely think my late husband would have been delighted if I got together with his best friend. What could be more special than knowing your family are being looked after and rebuilding your life with someone who actually knew and loved you

PS I should add that I was never a fan of my husbands best friend so that was never going to happen

That first shag wouldn’t have come out of the blue either, would it?
so there must have been flirtation etc quite a lot sooner than 6 months.

Exactly

This.

It was a slow, and natural, process.

Really glad it’s worked out for you all.