I married my late best friend's husband It wasn't planned or expected, AMA

[Elenarodriguez]

I know the title probably sounds wild, so I'll try to explain

My husband and I have actually known each other since high school. He was married to my best friend, who was also my childhood friend. The three of us had known each other for years, and she and I were incredibly close. Our families were close too, and I was basically an aunt to her kids

I got divorced about 10 years ago and have two kids. My husband had three kids with my best friend.

About six years ago, she passed away after a long illness. During the last part of her illness, I spent a lot of time with her and helping take care of the kids. After she passed, I stayed very close to her children and continued being there for them, just like I always had been

A few years later, my husband and I started developing feelings for each other. It wasn't something we planned or expected, and honest it was incredibly complicated emotionally........We dated for a few years before eventually deciding to get married

We've now been married for a while, and surprisingly, it's actually a really good marriage. Our kids are part of our family, and we've tried to handle everything with as much love and respect as possible

I still miss my best friend. I don't think marrying her husband somehow replaces her or changes what she meant to me. She will always be part of my life and the history of our family

I know some people will think what we did was wrong, while others may understand it

So... AMA

congratulations op, I hope you remain happily married for the rest of your lives and I hope your union has brought some joy and stability into your best friends kids lives.

my cousin got with her late husbands good friend VERY quickly. it was a long illness though a sudden death and like you, it was physical comfort before anything else. theyve been married 8?? years and have 2 kids together. her kids are happy for her, he didn't have anything. she's had all sorts of judgement but they're the ones alive, they deserve to find love and happinessm. no one benefits from them being miserable for the sake of someone who isn't around to judge. as long as the kids are ok with it, everyone else can get over it.

I think a big part of it is the fact that OP misrepresented how long it was – initially she said it was a few years before developing feelings, which seems entirely reasonable, and then corrected to having sex after 6 months, having been heavily involved the entire time. That's a big difference.

Personally, I find that timeline distasteful, and all people (yourself included) will have opinions on things they haven't experienced – and by making an AMA, OP voluntarily opened herself to judgement.

You have completely missed the 'I'm coming from the other side' reference which then goes on to cite my DP's experience, so to avoid the escalated pearl clutching of others who are unable to read, beginning with 'tell me you've never been in this situation without telling me...'

I am the partner of a widow. All else is her story, but my story is that of course I applied due diligence and self-preservation and my search history is full of 'how soon is too soon?'.

The 'aggression' you perceive is toward the situation that the spouses of terminally ill partners face and the illnesses they battle. Terminal disease is a bastard, I make no apology for my anger toward it. For you to perceive it as generalised towards randoms on a forum says more about you and your self-centredness. Something which the spouses and children of someone who is terminally ill is immediately jettison by the way. There is no room for 'what about ME' when you're driving you're spouse to a hospice.

And to clarify for you and others who have judged the OP, I am the one who came along six months later. What they get from me is not from me to comment but at least I can put right shrews like you by saying:

Walk a mile in their shoes.

I suggest you apply this broad-mindedness and empathy to your own outlook before commenting on that of others. Unless of course you yourself are the partner of a widoe/er.

I'm all ears @bitmiffed26

um, no - I didn’t miss the ‘coming from the other side’ reference, nor the fact that that you actually stated ‘I’m the next’
You weren’t exactly talking in riddles, so I’m not sure why you thought I was unaware of your situation.

and no, I’m neither a widow/er or with a widow/er -
like I said before, we all pearl clutch (or have opinions on) things we don’t have first hand experience with.

🙋🏻‍♀️ I have experience of losing a parent as a child and my surviving parent moving on very quickly. I remember being happy with the idea about it because I wanted a mother figure again but also distraught at seeing this new woman using my mums saucepans and being in my mums kitchen and drinking out of my mums mug and watering my mums houseplants and sleeping in the bed my mum died in. On the same mattress. With the same bed sheets..but I couldn’t vocalise it because every bloody adult told me it was a good thing and I should be happy for my dad and nobody allowed me to feel anything else!

Admitting to not comprehending my post or having lived experience here, but continuing to comment on situations far beyond your reach means you win peak attention-seeking this evening. Sleep well and enjoy your tiny life.

I can, and have, comprehended your post 😂😂😂

To be fair, you only have the experience of being 'the next', so you have as much (or rather as little) 'lived experience' of being widowed and moving on as anyone else here who hasn't been through it.
And pp made it clear that she understood your post?

I’m not sure what is wrong with this? Sleeping with/having an emotional affair with your friend’s husband while she was alive would be hugely wrong, but in this situation she was already dead and both people are single, and this is probably good for the children as both adults will know what their mum was like and how she would have wanted them to be raised.

Tell me you didn’t lose a parent when you were a child without telling me you didn’t lose a parent when you were a child

Obviously by “good for the children” I mean in comparison to getting an total stranger as a stepmother, not better than their own mum not dying!

Seriously?

I don't think this is that weird or that unusual, is it? Having shared history and things in common is the best foundation for a strong and successful marriage. Neither of you are disrespecting your friend's memory; you both cared deeply about her, so it's no surprise your grief for her pulled you together.

It was actually quite common in the past for someone to marry their late partner's sibling - marriage was more transactional in those days but it meant that family bonds continued.

Exactly

Her friend died so it's not like OP took him off of her friend whilst she was alive. The wife won't have been hurt. If I was to die I'd die a lot easier knowing any future step Mum would be good to my DC and wouldn't see them as a burden.

I agree. I have an Auntie in law who married my uncle after his brother was killed suddenly; that seemed to work out fine, though no children were involved.

I am not sure if there should be a time limit, maybe for onlookers there is, but grief can bond people just as closely as lust can.

Absolutely well said. People are so quick to judge without having the faintest clue how they would feel in this (bastard, like you say) situation. Thankfully this hasn't (touch wood!) happened to me but Id like to think I have sufficient empathy and imagination to realise that things are not simply black and white.

Oh so that makes it okay then tbe poor woman is hardly cold after 6 months but you were shagging her man thinking oh that’s okay she was poorly 3 years before this so probs couldn’t meet his needs. I don’t understand why you’ve posted what did you need out of it? Reassurance that you’ve done the right thing? Us to give you the positives?

I think that you all deserve all the happiness you can get. You’ve all been through some very tough times, all like and respect each other, and have all been honest about your feelings. Make the most of your days, honour the memory of your friend and be the most supportive family unit that you can - it seems to me like you are already doing all these things and I wish you all well.

I find it difficult to understand why anyone would think it’s ok to shag your best friends grieving husband within six months of her death and be playing mom to her kids, maybe even sleeping in her bed.

posters on here are a contrary lot sometimes. And I’m not sure anyone giving it yeah for you. Would think the same if it was a friend of theirs who passed or a sibling or parent.

I don’t understand why anyone would think it’s not ok. The wife is dead, she’s not coming back and life is short, take joy where you can. And yes, I have been in the husbands shoes. It’s ok, if he’s fine with it and she’s a good woman, everyone else can fuck off as nobody knows what they would do in the same shoes and there is no rule book

You genuinely can’t comprehend why anyone might think it’s not ok?

OP cared for her friend and her family when she was poorly, and within 6 months of her friend dying she started having sex with her husband. She considers herself a second mum to those children. She’s essentially walked into her friend’s life and is playing her part. It’s weird.

If your best friend divorced her husband, would you think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with shagging him? Or your sister’s husband if she passed away? There are people in life that most people consider ‘off limits’. The husbands of your family & friends are generally within that bracket.

have you been widowed? I assume not. I have been. I’m telling you that until you’ve walked those shoes you have no idea what you’re talking about

And I still think it’s ok. I think my husband would have been delighted if I got together with his best friend. What could be better than the 2 people you love the most getting together when you’re no longer there. I was never that keen on my late husbands friends so that would never happen but no, I don’t think it’s a problem at all

Of course you grieve before death. My mum had dementia, it was 5 years of grief for who she was beforehand. Death was a relief for all of us including her. Yes it was sad but the grieving had almost been done, it was just her physical body left on earth, dementia took every other part of her
my dad met someone after 6 months and I was furious at first before I realised about the grief. They’re still together 4 years on