I married my late best friend's husband It wasn't planned or expected, AMA

[Elenarodriguez]

I know the title probably sounds wild, so I'll try to explain

My husband and I have actually known each other since high school. He was married to my best friend, who was also my childhood friend. The three of us had known each other for years, and she and I were incredibly close. Our families were close too, and I was basically an aunt to her kids

I got divorced about 10 years ago and have two kids. My husband had three kids with my best friend.

About six years ago, she passed away after a long illness. During the last part of her illness, I spent a lot of time with her and helping take care of the kids. After she passed, I stayed very close to her children and continued being there for them, just like I always had been

A few years later, my husband and I started developing feelings for each other. It wasn't something we planned or expected, and honest it was incredibly complicated emotionally........We dated for a few years before eventually deciding to get married

We've now been married for a while, and surprisingly, it's actually a really good marriage. Our kids are part of our family, and we've tried to handle everything with as much love and respect as possible

I still miss my best friend. I don't think marrying her husband somehow replaces her or changes what she meant to me. She will always be part of my life and the history of our family

I know some people will think what we did was wrong, while others may understand it

So... AMA

My grandad married within their friendship group after my grandma died (so they had couple friends who they went on holiday with and he married one of them whose husband died at a a similar time. Whilst most of the family were generally really happy it had a big impact on wills and Inheritance (as both had inherited partners estate and if they had just got married and not changed anything, they did update wills, that would have gone to the spouse not the kids of one died) It was different as they were 79 and 81 when they got married (my kids actually went to their great granddad's wedding which I think is cool!)have you had to think about anything similar legally in terms of future planning?

I know it’s not, but it feels a bit incestuous. My best friend was my most trusted intimate relationship, she knew things about me no-one else did. It’s almost as bad as if one of my sisters did it (which they 100% never would).

You have a right to be happy OP but yeah I find this a bit weird. I sort of mentally file away friends husbands into some sort of sexless category where I just don’t register them as men men if that makes sense. Even if I’m friends with them. But thats just me obviously.

People saying that OP’s friend would be happy with this…. Not so sure I’d be.

I actually think it’s nice that the children will be with someone familiar and they’ll be loved. You all share a history. No questions from me, just wanted to say that.

I do agree though that the grieving process happens before death, it’s miserable and I feel for anyone who’s watched a loved one day slowly.

Like hell would I want my friend snagging my dh 6 months after I’d died

It’s still a shock when they go and no one has fully grieved before death.

i would not wish my husband to be alone, and not with 3 young kids, but I’d be appalled if he was shagging my best friend within six months, and hee playing mum to my kids in the same period,

it feels like fne op saw an opportunity and made herself useful so to speak as a way to get her feet under the table,

This is the worst AMA ever btw, what was the point in starting this if there’s no answers to any questions?

You say you waited years before dating and years before marrying but it’s only been 6 years since she died and you’ve said you’ve been together 5 years. Do you not think that’s very quick and disrespectful?

No it wasn’t a shock when he died, not a bit. My overwhelming emotion was relief, that I could move forward from the limbo. The shock was when a perfectly healthy 45 year old was diagnosed with a terminal illness, when he died I was pleased, it was no life for him or for anyone.

You are correct nobody grieves fully but the death gives you an opportunity to live again and nobody can put a timeline on it. Grief and sadness can live alongside a new relationship and I would imagine even more so if you both knew the deceased and loved them

I suspect the op didn’t like being called out on having lied about the timeframe and hasn’t been back because of that

Yes, a lesbian relationship. No, they weren't openly bisexual and had considered themselves to be straight beforehand.

this was the plot of the Tenko club, great book!

Why so crude? Perhaps they fell in love and then made love?...a natural and beautiful process borne out of grief?

yup, my use of the word shag is what is out of pocket about this whole thing

But the op pretty much says that didn’t happen.

One year after she was widowed this woman started dating my husband. Some people just can't be alone.

Well yes, because I'm calling you out on how you see things....crudely rather than perhaps a natural and beautiful process that was meant to be....

A direct quote from the OP -

‘’After her death, he was in grief and leaned on me completely. For the first few months, we were just close.....but at one point, it became a physical relationship. We thought it was nothing at first, but we were in a relationship, and everything was fine’

attempt to call me out all you like, I have seen things exactly as the OP has described, and you’ll have to forgive me for not thinking that a woman dying and leaving two young children motherless so their father and their mothers ‘best friend’ could start shagging as something that was ‘meant to be’

@Elenarodriguez- what do you think your best friend would think (honestly)?

Couldn't agree more with this.
The level of 'what aboutery' and pearl clutching is off the scale here even for MN.
No-one, repeat NO-ONE for the hard of reading, has any idea what they would do when this shitshow actually happens.

And I'm talking from the other side. I'm 'the next'. We didn't know each other beforehand but I have no doubt thay my DP and I met at the right time. And the extensive - and believe me, you sanctimonious nay-sayers, it was extensive - research told me that all of this is down to the bereaved person and their family's backstory. They could have been given a terminal diagnosis months or years before their spouse's death, and remember that the shorter the 'notice' the more aggressive and shocking and totally out of the fucking blue the sentence. They have to process and manage and cope with acute treatment, end-of-life management, processing the inevitable, and all the while getting children through school and exams and first relationships if they're teenagers, and mortgages and finances and pension plans and funeral plans. All whilst sobbing on their own, when they can, so their dying spouse and soon-to-be-bereaved children don't hear.
And during that time, they also must accept having to get their dying spouse to appointments that may be miles away and involve intricate childcare arrangements, dealing with the puke, the incontinence, the total dependence of the person they loved and vowed to see through in sickness and in health. If they begin to have an occasional thought of 'why me?' then who could blame them.

To all you 'oh, I wouldn't' how the fuck do you know? If you're unlucky enough for this bastard situation to happen to you, please come back on here and share how your enlightened approach can help those who have actually been through it. Until then, get to fuck with your blinkered bullshit non-perspective.

I’ll be honest - as a child who was bereaved - it’s not so much what the dead friend would think but more what the children will think in years to come.

I don't approve of this. Its a slur on your friend's memory.

What do you think your friend would say about this, would she have expected you to hook up with her husband?

Sorry, you’ve done extensive research in to when it’s appropriate to start having sex again after a partner dies?

TBH, your aggression leads me to be believe that you aren’t entirely at peace with your own choices. Which are actually quite different from the situation OP is in, so I’m not sure where all the anger is coming from.

also, we all ‘pearl clutch’ at different things that we have no first hand experience of, dare I say yourself included.

what is she was a randomer from a dating website or awoman at work? would you still expect him to wait years before he had sex?