I married my late best friend's husband It wasn't planned or expected, AMA

[Elenarodriguez]

I know the title probably sounds wild, so I'll try to explain

My husband and I have actually known each other since high school. He was married to my best friend, who was also my childhood friend. The three of us had known each other for years, and she and I were incredibly close. Our families were close too, and I was basically an aunt to her kids

I got divorced about 10 years ago and have two kids. My husband had three kids with my best friend.

About six years ago, she passed away after a long illness. During the last part of her illness, I spent a lot of time with her and helping take care of the kids. After she passed, I stayed very close to her children and continued being there for them, just like I always had been

A few years later, my husband and I started developing feelings for each other. It wasn't something we planned or expected, and honest it was incredibly complicated emotionally........We dated for a few years before eventually deciding to get married

We've now been married for a while, and surprisingly, it's actually a really good marriage. Our kids are part of our family, and we've tried to handle everything with as much love and respect as possible

I still miss my best friend. I don't think marrying her husband somehow replaces her or changes what she meant to me. She will always be part of my life and the history of our family

I know some people will think what we did was wrong, while others may understand it

So... AMA

I see nothing wrong in this at all. I actually know someone who married their best friends husband after his first wife died.
There was no romance between them at all before she died, afterwards they became close and it turned into a love affair eventually, then they married several years later.

Your time line seems muddled, you said a few years before you had feelings. But then indicate you dhagged him within a year of her death. Was one of these a mistake ?

Coconutter24

Emotionally cheating? OP was divorced 10 years ago, her friend died 6 years ago, she started with feelings for her now DH a few years after her friends death. Why would her ex think she was emotionally cheating with that timeline?

I suppose my head hurt wouldn’t be able to conceive that as friends they didn’t hold a candle for each other previously. It sounds petty but I wouldn’t be able to help thinking they'd liked each other before

How do you get married without any planning? Did you accidentally stumble into a register office and get married by accident?

My aunt was widowed quite young, and her husband's best friend was widowed shortly after. They married and had a long and happy marriage until he died 20+ years later.

I think this is actually rather nice TBH.Many people will frown on you and tut tut here,but someone their Mum has been close to and loved is there for them. Many Stepmums feel jealous and arent always supportive .You sound happy together and thats what counts

For the first six months, it was just grief I was someone he could lean on. After six months, we started a physical relationship. A year later, we started dating, and after another year, we got married

I guess my question is whether you feel guilty and fudge the details to make it sound more acceptable? Because in this thread, your timeline is shifting quite dramatically each time you post. Initially it sounded reasonable- “a few years later, my husband and I started developing feelings for each other” and that “we dated for a few years before eventually deciding to get married”. Making it sound like a recent marriage once everything had settled and the kids had got older and become used to it.

EDIT: you’ve posted the actual timeline now so I’ll edit. But you’ve definitely fudged the details in your OP so I wonder if you do that with people you meet as well? You say your friend’s parents are happy for you, but do they know you started being romantically involved 6 months after she died, or do they only know about the official dating part?

Widowed men don't like remaining alone for very long. If the late wife's best friend is popping round with casseroles and checking he's doing ok it's not at all surprising that so many men end up marrying these women. He doesn't even need to leave his house to find her.

I get that. I think i would also feel permanent sadness that my deceased friend had her life cut short, and missed out on the time I have with her DCs and husband.

But you are doing the right thing by living life the best way you can and loving the people around you.

I hope you have found ways to cope with your feelings.

(Similar thing happened to a friend of mine, but there were no children until quite a few years after the remarriage. All seemed well in their family.)

6 months after she died? He barely let the bed get cold.

Lots of fudging on times here, but eventually you admit jumping into her bed before it was barely cold. 6 months after her death?

Do you find there are people who judge you or your husband? (Like I admittedly am).

I think it does make a difference that time lapsed and that your friends family and DH family are supportive and that the kids were all young.
It may be different when the kids see things through adult eyes but if your relationships with the kids are good it will probably work out well.
I think it would help if the kids know you loved their mum too.

Your title doesn’t make sense. The two of you made a series of decisions and plans which led to where you are now. You’re not flotsam on the ocean, you’re two adults with two sets of children you’re responsible for, it’s a bit passive the way you describe it.

6 months from her death to shagging is quite speedy never mind marriage at 2 years. And I think I’ve read this before. But people do all sorts of things and end up happy. I wonder if she anticipated this all before she died.

I wouldn't have a problem with this. I had breast cancer last year and it comforted me to secretly think about my bestie taking my place if I didn't make it.

I’m sorry but 6 months is no time to start shagging the widow of your best friend. I do find this distasteful,

6 months and you were sleeping together?! Jesus.

There is No correct time for Grief.....She was ill for 3 Year!!

My question has been missed. I’ll ask it again. Do you think that getting married 2 years after their mum died was too soon for her children?

Have you arranged your finances so that if your dh dies his children are provided for and that their mother's share of any property (at least) goes to them?

She was ill not dead.

please tell me you didn’t sleep with him in her home, her bed, six months after she passed.

It really demonstrates how shallow his love for his wife must have been that he started shagging the bestie a mere 6 months later.

I don't have a question, just wanted to say I think it's actually a lovely outcome to a sad situation and wish you and your husband and blended family all the happiness in the world x

Yes!! Everything has been sorted out. Whatever we make after our marriage is fairly distributed among our kids.

You started sleeping with your best friend's widow SIX MONTHS after she died?

Wow...

What do you want people to ask you? How can you live with yourself seems a bit cruel.

Don't get me wrong before our marriage, for four years, I was taking care of them. Whenever my bestie was going through treatment or was hospitalized, they were staying at my home and I was taking care of them. I didn't replace their mom I became another mom to them..... I love them because they are my bestie's kids.