AMA: 42, four children, husband refuses vasectomy… and we’re still basically relying on the pull out method

[SillyCritic]

I’m 42 and my husband is 44. We have four kids. Life is busy but good and I genuinely thought we were both completely done with babies.

I haven’t been on hormonal contraception for about 13 years. I was on it for years before that and it made me feel absolutely awful, no sex drive, constantly dry, low mood, just generally not myself. When I stopped I felt so much better in myself and in my body, so I’ve never wanted to go back on it.
Because of that I track my cycle quite carefully. We base condom use around that if I’m near ovulation we use one. Other times we don’t.

And I hate to say this because I know how it sounds, but sometimes he just pulls out.
Writing that down makes me realise how ridiculous it probably sounds for two people in their 40s with four children already. But somehow it’s what we’ve drifted into doing over the years.

Which brings me to the current issue. I’ve suggested a few times that a vasectomy would make sense given we already busy life. His response is that he really doesn’t like the idea of someone “messing about down there” and tends to shut the conversation down.

What completely threw me though was recently he said he actually wouldn’t mind trying for one more.

I feel very done with pregnancies and babies. I’m finally getting to the stage where the kids are a bit older and life is slightly less relentless and the thought of starting again with a newborn at 42 doesn’t feel idea in my situation, my last pregnancy was ‘high risk’ and to top that off I decided I wanted a home birth and it did work out well but it’s not something I could do again.

So now I’m now thinking: Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life? and Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?

Just use a condom every time. You’re both ridiculous

Does he realise that you've been seriously messed up "down there" 4 times, for him to have his children??
He is saying his body is worth more than yours. I wouldn't accept that.
I'd guess he is disrespectful and sees you as lesser than him in other ways as well.

I am glad he has agreed to the vasectomy. To those who were saying how little chance there was of falling pregnant at 42, I had 4 pregnancies after 42, all natural. Had never been pregnant before. (The 4th one, when I was nearly 46, stuck).

He has seen my body and he loves it for giving him 4 beautiful healthy boys we both love so much.

He has agreed to have a vasectomy he’d just like for me to be there or go to any appointment with him which I’m happy to do. This was the first time we’d discussed more children since our youngest is now in school. We also lost our first child, she had lukaemia so maybe part of him would like her back. We’ve had a lot of counselling to deal with the grief but no matter how many years go by no parent really gets over losing a child. We were first time parents excited then we found out our baby was ill and there was nothing we could do about it.

True

he’s having a vasectomy he just wants me to go with him

He’s said he wants a vasectomy he’s just scared and would like me to go with him.

Im happy in my relationship there’s a lot that we’ve endured I didn’t want to go full on, there’s more nuance to this. We lost our first child, she had lukaemia, we’ve had counselling together and individually to help us deal with the grief, we really struggled. The 4 kids we have were planned and no parent should ever deal with the loss of a child seeing our child in pain was hard we will always want her back, we will never get her back

I’ve given birth to 5 kids. First one passed away, she had lukaemia so I guess next one would my 6th pregnancy.

Anyway jokes aside he has agreed to have a vasectomy he’d like for me to go with him because he’s a wuss.

True maybe not it’s the first time we’ve discussed children since our last born. He’s said he would like a vasectomy and wants me to go with him he’s scared.

He wants you to go with him. Got it the first time.

It is not abuse ffs it is selfish, there is a difference!
It's your body OP and you don't have to do anything you don't want, you don't have to share it.
The solution to not being pregnant when each partner wants different things and there is no compromise is don't have sex.

Of course it isn’t ’must be zero’. How stupid.

OP, always condoms then, and or coil. Sounds like a pregnancy would be disastrous, in your shoes I’d also be mentally preparing for a termination in case the worst happens.Do you have a high sex drive? What happens if you refuse, or insist on non PIV sex?

I’m not commenting on the OP itself since it’s all been said, but this is an insane comment. It is nowhere near the same! Not even close, and please do NOT believe this, @SillyCritic . It is significantly more invasive, you have to go under full general anesthesia, you may need to spend one night MINIMUM in hospital, and then it will be weeks, WEEKS, before you feel normal and up to what I would call “full parenting/working duties” depending on your child’s age (you could manage age 7+, but toddlers would be impossible without help; likewise, working from home or at a desk would be fine, but working retail during recovery would be difficult for most women). The amount of women I know who have developed complications after sterilization because they over-extended themselves caring for their existing children because their husbands wouldn’t help is… shocking. Any more than one woman is too many.

If he won't get a vasectomy, you can get your tubes tied.

I am sorry I misread. Personally just condoms all the time or have no sex if you don't want another and he won't get it done. Kind of obvious isn't it?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5500589-anybody-have-a-partner-who-is-very-very-tight-with-money

Is this you? You've answered in this thread like you are the OP?

Yes I read your update

sorry for your loss

and yah dh for a V

You didn’t answer any of the questions in that comment.

I was tagged on the post that’s why I answered

Get off my post. I think you thought your comment was light it is not and a very disgusting comment to make. Sexual abuse/ assault is ver serious. I was sexually abused growing up trust me I know what it is like to not be allowed to say no.

Maybe read better next time.

Yes, she did. The fact that her husband is having a vasectomy at her request effectively answers them all.

Why are you so bothered ?

Yes I would be open to having more children, mainly because we lost our first child, I’d consider adopting

Not really. As, prior to the vasectomy agreement (which just happened), they were using the pullout method, etc. I’m wondering why. And this is an AMA, so we get to ask questions. Quite literally.

That was literally my first comment on this thread. How was I ‘so bothered’?

You posted an AMA, but are irritated about being asked questions? Eh?

Thanks so much for posting that, it explains it much better than I was.

@FloofBunnythe data used is mostly from people who are trying in their 40s, and collected by fertility clinics mostly, so skewed towards those having fertility issues. If you look at ONS data for live births in the U.K., it was 27,249 to mothers over 40 in the U.K. in 2023. 4.61% of total babies born in 2023 were to mothers over 40. Abortions for that year in women over 40 were at a record high, accounting for a figure of 30% of live births. Then look at all of the people in that age group who have completed their families and are actively preventing - vasectomies, sterilisation, coils etc. I wouldn’t say it’s a huge proportion of women who’re actively trying in their 40’s.

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