AMA: 42, four children, husband refuses vasectomy… and we’re still basically relying on the pull out method

[SillyCritic]

I’m 42 and my husband is 44. We have four kids. Life is busy but good and I genuinely thought we were both completely done with babies.

I haven’t been on hormonal contraception for about 13 years. I was on it for years before that and it made me feel absolutely awful, no sex drive, constantly dry, low mood, just generally not myself. When I stopped I felt so much better in myself and in my body, so I’ve never wanted to go back on it.
Because of that I track my cycle quite carefully. We base condom use around that if I’m near ovulation we use one. Other times we don’t.

And I hate to say this because I know how it sounds, but sometimes he just pulls out.
Writing that down makes me realise how ridiculous it probably sounds for two people in their 40s with four children already. But somehow it’s what we’ve drifted into doing over the years.

Which brings me to the current issue. I’ve suggested a few times that a vasectomy would make sense given we already busy life. His response is that he really doesn’t like the idea of someone “messing about down there” and tends to shut the conversation down.

What completely threw me though was recently he said he actually wouldn’t mind trying for one more.

I feel very done with pregnancies and babies. I’m finally getting to the stage where the kids are a bit older and life is slightly less relentless and the thought of starting again with a newborn at 42 doesn’t feel idea in my situation, my last pregnancy was ‘high risk’ and to top that off I decided I wanted a home birth and it did work out well but it’s not something I could do again.

So now I’m now thinking: Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life? and Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?

@SillyCritic
We’ve used this method, without fail for more than 20 years, all throughout my cycle, and have never had a non intentionally planned pregnancy which incidentally we conceived each a month prior.
I would never recommend it to anyone else, but long term couples who’ve used it for a lifetime, know what they are doing.
I’ve no intention of asking my husband for the snip, and we never use condoms either. We use this method even on ovulation days, which I can pinpoint exactly.

Can you not see that OP is also putting herself in that position? I think the DH is getting a lot of stick here when there are two people risking pregnancy not just the DH

I'm not sure what you mean- women over 42 can't have possibly conceived?
The ones I know did. The are not lying neither am I. It's quite possible and it's quite important that people realise that.

@Warmlight1 Indeed. I conceived naturally at 42. No idea why people think it's all that unusual!!
Very important women realise that - hence the contraception guidelines re only stopping use at 55.

No make it clear it is condoms or no sex until he books in for a vasectomy. I certainly wouldn’t ever use a pull out method - how stressful is that for you? I wouldn’t trust any man even my husband to pull out. After 4 pregnancies and births a vasectomy is easy for him.

Im 47, I decided at 40 I didn’t want to endure the side effects of the pill/coil etc any longer. Dh didn’t want a vasectomy so we use condoms everytime but we would sometimes start with out one and then put one on nearer the end. I recently pushed a bit more on why he didn’t want a vasectomy. He said he didn’t want to put his body through an uncomfortable procedure. I thought about my 3 pregnancies, the pill, the injection, the coil and the impact all of those things have had on my body and my mh and I was pissed off. Mostly at myself for putting myself through these things (the contraception more than the kids) and disappointed that dh puts a minor discomfort ahead of possible significant complications for me (risk of pregnancy/ miscarriage/ termination)
Now we have a condom on the entire time. I no longer take risks with my health. And will continue to do so until I am no longer at risk of conceiving.

This is so untrue! Having your tubes tied as way more invasive and risky than a vasectomy. The recovery is much longer and more painful. Also, vasectomies are reversible, having your tubes tied isn't.

Get clips put on your fallopian tubes. It's done laparoscopically in one day, no need to stay overnight. I did this after my fourth child because my husband was worried about having a vasectomy.
Contrary to what the last poster said it isn't at all painful.

Not so. Female sterilization is not normally done under anesthetic but done laparoscopically with a local anasthetic. I had this done and it was not at all painful, with no need to stay in hospital overnight.

I'm glad he's agreed to the vasectomy, and of course it's OK to be nervous and ask for you to go with him. That sounds like a good solution.

I would be super careful until it's done unless you are genuinely on board with getting pregnant.

Why would you put yourself at risk like this? You say you're just beginning to feel freer again as your children are getting older. Your husband is selfish and is only thinking of his own sexual needs, not what might happen to you if you had a high risk pregnancy. Please think carefully and take control of your own body. Your opinion counts.

I know of three women that fell pregnant around your age. One was careful with monitoring cycle, had unprotected sex when it should be safe and she fell pregnant. As you are approaching peri you will find you cannot rely on menstrual cycle.

Get a condom on him

I think you might need some support - your response is rather disproportionate.

This idea that MN hates men is bullshit. Your DH is getting a tough time on here because of your OP. I’ve quoted it - go back and read it again. You said you had 4 kids, had a high risk pregnancy, you’re 42, struggled on hormonal birth control, asked DH to have a vasectomy and he said no because he didn’t want someone “messing around down there” to a woman who has had 4 children and then he said he wouldn’t actually mind another. You made him sound like an arse who doesn’t give a shit about what his wife’s body has been through and then got upset because MN’ers called him an arse. Have a word with yourself please and dont blame us for responding to what you wrote.

If he is not against condoms as birth control, then i'm confused why you bothered posting?!

You have your answer - tell him to wear one or let him use 'han(d) solo' or mrs Palmer and her four daughters! 😁

When I had decided that I had enough children (two of them) I had a sterilisation.

It was supported on medical grounds and my age (36 years old - and two previous C- Sections).

I can’t tell you how much more I enjoy intimacy knowing that I can’t get pregnant!

I figured that a sterilisation was a lot less difficult physically than another pregnancy and birth and did that!

Copper coil is always an option for a non hormonal contraception - it’s good for up to 5 years, so it would likely see you up til menopause. On another note, my sister had twins at 42, whilst already having a 13 yr old, a 6 year old and an older teen that she raised from age two from her husbands previous partner (she passed away). She is knackered and her twins are both easily occupied and sit and play nice types.

This sounds like post from the 1960's when Catholics were advised by their Church to use the Rhythm Method.
Which century are you living in!

As for pulling out. Do you mean the Withdrawal method. Dear me. You are lucky you don't have more kids.

A vasectomy would be the best solution. But failing that. There are lots of easily available types of birth control.

Contact your local medical practice.

OMG this is not the dark ages. Go & have your tubes tied. Sorry to be so blunt. If he won't be sterilized then you need to. Sex life will still be the same.

I tracked my ovulation and relied on that method when we had 2 children, we hadn’t ruled out having a 3rd so it wasn’t a massive issue. We now have 3 children…. to be fair we had relied on that method for 4 years before baby number 3’s arrival In my late 30’s.
Once we had the three though I knew I definitely didn’t want anymore children and DH did go and have a vasectomy, which we had discussed after baby number 2 but he hadn’t gone in as he was fairly keen to have a 3rd child.
If we hadn’t had baby number 3 when we had, he was going to have one the following year as I didn’t want to have children past the age of 38 due to the age gap between our others and associated health risks.
If you definitely don’t want anymore children then you need to find a fairly fool proof contraceptive, you’re playing roulette at the moment.
It’s a shame your DH won’t put you ahead of himself…. My DH is squeamish but after 2 fairly major repairs following the birth of our first two and then a c-section for the last one he knew I had had more than my fair share of it and had the snip without a murmur!

If he is talking about wanting another baby, you are absolutely insane to trust him to pull out every time before it's too late. You can get a tubal ligation, he can get snipped, you can use condoms every time etc. What you should never do though roll the dice like that! Good luck sweetie!

Surely none of us would deny a woman's right to what she wants with her own body, so surely men have that right too. I decided no more babied, I'll get sterilized. To me it was a no brainer I was quite a bit younger than OP so considered the possibility if DH should die or we ended up divorced I might need to think about it again. My body, my choice, my responsibility.

Use a condom every time and spermicide. Even if he gets a vasectomy I would still suggest using a condom. If he doesn’t like using them, he can use a dildo on you. Problem solved

This

And as for him not wanting anyone to 'mess around down there' ... note he was perfectly okay with you being 'messed with down there' through 4 pregnancies and the accompanying exams, 4 labours, and follow ups ... and all the health risks that come with giving birth.

He's clearly not wanting to take one for the team after you've done all this for your family. Selfish.