AMA: 42, four children, husband refuses vasectomy… and we’re still basically relying on the pull out method

[SillyCritic]

I’m 42 and my husband is 44. We have four kids. Life is busy but good and I genuinely thought we were both completely done with babies.

I haven’t been on hormonal contraception for about 13 years. I was on it for years before that and it made me feel absolutely awful, no sex drive, constantly dry, low mood, just generally not myself. When I stopped I felt so much better in myself and in my body, so I’ve never wanted to go back on it.
Because of that I track my cycle quite carefully. We base condom use around that if I’m near ovulation we use one. Other times we don’t.

And I hate to say this because I know how it sounds, but sometimes he just pulls out.
Writing that down makes me realise how ridiculous it probably sounds for two people in their 40s with four children already. But somehow it’s what we’ve drifted into doing over the years.

Which brings me to the current issue. I’ve suggested a few times that a vasectomy would make sense given we already busy life. His response is that he really doesn’t like the idea of someone “messing about down there” and tends to shut the conversation down.

What completely threw me though was recently he said he actually wouldn’t mind trying for one more.

I feel very done with pregnancies and babies. I’m finally getting to the stage where the kids are a bit older and life is slightly less relentless and the thought of starting again with a newborn at 42 doesn’t feel idea in my situation, my last pregnancy was ‘high risk’ and to top that off I decided I wanted a home birth and it did work out well but it’s not something I could do again.

So now I’m now thinking: Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life? and Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?

Yes you're mad and you know it.

There was a post here about a week ago from a woman in mid 40s who realised she was pregnant and was having an awful time deciding what to do.

Use condoms all the time, or he can get snip, or get the non hormonal coil. Loads of options. Hoping for the best is not a contraceptive plan.

Yes, and no. You are not using contraception. Pull out is not birth control.

Your DH’s behaviour is abusive. Stop thinking you’re in this together. It’s not “we”, it’s you who will have another high risk pregnancy. If he won’t have a vasectomy, if you want to continue having sex with him, then you get sterilised. Please.

Better still leave him.

Are you temping OP?

I think that is more reliable than test but the efficacy is still only about 90% I think, even if you are tracking CM, cervical os etc.

You’re in denial OP.

Your choices are: stop having sex, insist on a condom every time, get sterilised yourself or run a significant risk of another pregnancy.

He obviously doesn’t care so this is up to you to put your foot down.

In your shoes I’d be saying to DH it’s condom, snip or no sex, you choose.

Abusive for not wanting a vasectomy ? Please explain I’d like to hear another perspective. You think that’s grounds to leave someone?

He’s not against forms of contraception, he’s never said no to me wanting to use a condom just not vasectomy. I’ve always said he can just pull out sometimes. We use condoms often.

We’ve just had the conversation recently and this was the first time he’s mentioned trying for another. I have told him I don’t think we could have another child, he’s not telling me to have another child he asked me what I thought of that. I personally don’t think that’s a reason to leave ?

Denial in regards to ?

it’s the first time I’m hearing about him being open to having another child. I said I don’t think I could and I think our attention should be focussed on the 4 we have. He said that my body my choice I’m the one that’s carrying the child not him.

I don't think he's being abusive in the slightest I just think you're both being very naive.

ETA - actually he's not being naive at all, as he would quite like another baby so half hearted contraception makes sense from his perspective.

If you don't want one then you're the naive one. I can see why he would think you'd be up for it, given how laid back you are about contraception.

What are you going to do when you get pregnant again?

I am pro choice with all my heart but it is not a method of contraception.

Tell your DH to grow up and have the snip

Yanbu. Man child needs to go and have the snip, this is not a discussion and don't let him tell you to get sterilised. His op is much less risky. He's not the first. If he doesn't trust any doctors, I have some very sharp scissors 😆😆

Thats not up to her His body his choice. But I would say no sex unless he wears a condom OP.

Five children is a huge commitment @SillyCritic and if you’re at all unsure about wanting a fifth child (it sounds as if you are), please use condoms every time you have sex.

I have several friends who’ve conceived in their early-mid 40’s, the oldest was 46. Some were trying to conceive; for others it was a surprise… because they weren’t using contraception every time. Don’t take any risks unless you want another child!

‘I personally don’t think that’s a reason to leave*

No. But having you pregnant so often as a means to keep you tied up is.

Im not sure what advice you're wanting from this post tbh. So to just answer your question, yes I think you're veering in to mad territory when you already have 4 DC

Abusive for putting you at risk of another high-risk pregnancy that you'd have to carry or abort.

If he gave a shit about your welfare, he'd insist on a condom every time, no matter what you said about "pulling out" being OK.

A decent man doesn't put his wife in the position where she's starting a thread about her pregnancy dilemma at 47.

@SillyCritic If you're using the pull out method then you honestly can't be surprised if you fall pregnant again, and condoms have quite a significant failure rate too.
He doesn't want a vasectomy because he doesn't want "someone messing around down there"...what on earth does he thinks happens to a woman giving birth?!! And this would be a high-risk pregnancy?
Totally selfish and if he were my husband I would not be having sex with him until he got a vasectomy (unless I actaully wanted another baby). If that didn't suit him it would be the end of our marriage.
My husband only has one child (our daughter) and had a vasectomy after we had her as our family was complete.
He's leaving his options open.

It's the shutting down of conversation that's abusive.

It's the reluctance to put his body through any alteration or pain or discomfort while at the same time being perfectly OK with putting you through nine months of a possibly high risk pregnancy and then childbirth.

It's the willingness to engage in risky sex.

The reliance on your part on him pulling out when you are aware he wouldn't be averse to another baby.is baffling.

You need to become very militant here. If you do not want another baby then you have to make sure you do not have another baby.

You cannot rely on your husband to use effective contraception even though he knows you had a high risk pregnancy, you are 42, and you do not want another baby.

Do not have sex with him until you have had your tubes tied.

Having successfully used the pull out method for 15 years without temping/NFP, after having easily conceived two kids, I have to say that I think for people who do it correctly every single time and aren't super fertile, it can work well.

As long as you're aware of the fact that you have a 4% chance of pregnancy (which lessens as you age), and are either happy to have another child or get an abortion should you conceive, I think it's a reasonable contraceptive method in a committed relationship.

I think given that your husband has said he 'wouldn't mind another one' though, I wouldn't trust him to perform the pull out method properly. I'd insist on another form of protection, or no penetrative sex until he gets a vasectomy - there are many non-penetrative things you can do of course, but that might motivate him to get it done.

@mathanxiety Why should she have her tubes tied in order to have sex with him?! You do know it's a far more invasive procedure than a vasectomy with greater risks and a longer recovery time?!
Stop enabling these men!!!

You do know you can be sterilised too? It's day surgery with a quick recovery period, no more invasive than a vasectomy. Take control of your own fertility.

@thornbury Of course it's more invasive than a vasectomy!!!! Think about it...

• Procedure & Invasiveness: A vasectomy is a simple, quick, and less physically traumatic procedure, usually performed under local anesthetic. Female sterilization involves accessing the abdominal cavity to cut or seal the fallopian tubes, usually under general anesthesia.

Your body, your choice. You need to tell him it's a hard and unequivocable no from you on another baby.

It's a PITA that he won't have the snip, but he's hardly the first person in history to be nervous about having a medical procedure, especially somewhere so sensitive. People telling you to LTB over that are crazy.

You'll have to explore non-hormonal contraception. A diaphragm and spermicide could be a good solution. Also, take heart from the fact that getting pregnant at 42 is pretty unlikely. Most people are done by 41.

What you say is true, and hardly seems worth it for reproduction considering that OP is 42 already. However, there's a benefit to sterilisation in that rates of fallopian tube cancer are much lower in women who have been sterilised. And it's not a cancer you can check for.

@FloofBunny Many women still get pregnant over the age of 42!!! I did! Her husband needs to "Man up" (or, more accurately) "Woman up."