AMA: 42, four children, husband refuses vasectomy… and we’re still basically relying on the pull out method

[SillyCritic]

I’m 42 and my husband is 44. We have four kids. Life is busy but good and I genuinely thought we were both completely done with babies.

I haven’t been on hormonal contraception for about 13 years. I was on it for years before that and it made me feel absolutely awful, no sex drive, constantly dry, low mood, just generally not myself. When I stopped I felt so much better in myself and in my body, so I’ve never wanted to go back on it.
Because of that I track my cycle quite carefully. We base condom use around that if I’m near ovulation we use one. Other times we don’t.

And I hate to say this because I know how it sounds, but sometimes he just pulls out.
Writing that down makes me realise how ridiculous it probably sounds for two people in their 40s with four children already. But somehow it’s what we’ve drifted into doing over the years.

Which brings me to the current issue. I’ve suggested a few times that a vasectomy would make sense given we already busy life. His response is that he really doesn’t like the idea of someone “messing about down there” and tends to shut the conversation down.

What completely threw me though was recently he said he actually wouldn’t mind trying for one more.

I feel very done with pregnancies and babies. I’m finally getting to the stage where the kids are a bit older and life is slightly less relentless and the thought of starting again with a newborn at 42 doesn’t feel idea in my situation, my last pregnancy was ‘high risk’ and to top that off I decided I wanted a home birth and it did work out well but it’s not something I could do again.

So now I’m now thinking: Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life? and Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?

Could people read the update?

I'm sure thousands/millions of men have them and it's fine. But I can understand someone feeling squeamish about it, not just in terms of the procedure itself but also psychologically how they might feel about making themselves infertile. In which case they need to find a reliable form of contraception.

@Bunny65 But compared to childbirth? And if they are absolutely sure they don't want any more children I don't see why they'd struggle with it psychologically tbh. Surely it's liberating?

Well I can see why someone might balk at it. I would never have wanted to be sterilised whether I wanted more children or not. One cannot really argue it logically, for some men it might make them feel lesser. In any case once a woman hits her 40s the chances of pregnancy are much reduced and reducing every year, so with reliable contraception it really should be possible to avoid. And of course sometimes vasectomies don't always work 100% either.

@Bunny65 Pregnancy is still very much possible after 40 - I can attest to that! And vasectomy is ultimately the most reliable form of contraception (bar abstinence). Very rare they don't work providing post-op samples are clear. These are simply facts.
And if it makes a man feel "lesser" as you put it then that's somewhat ridiculous; seems to me the men who have them are by far more "man" than one who feels like this!

If you have had four births you have had plenty of ‘messing around down there’ as he puts it.

You have spent the equivalent of three years of your life pregnant, had four labours (or C sections), presumably breastfed, had stitches, all the associated aches and pains, blah blah blah and he doesn’t want anyone ‘messing around down there’. Fuck me, what a moron.

I'm sure that's true but I'm not going to damn anyone who doesn't want to do it. And it could be damaging to the relationship if the man resents it and feels forced into it. However, if OP really doesn't want to risk more children they should come up with something more reliable than "pulling out".

Get an electronic ovulation tracking method. Then make sure you use condoms on your red days. And your green ones are reasonably stress free. They can be up to 99% safe as a method which is about the same as the Pill and will still work if you're ill. I used it for years and got pregnant the minute I stopped. It will take the guesswork out. I used to only have about five red days a month.

Relax
I have put an update, he is getting a vasectomy

@SillyCritic Awesome news! What's the wait time like where you are?

Sounds like you have 4 options: 1 go on contraception 2. Get sterilised 3. Abstain 4. Have a baby

@Jack80 Or 5. Partner steps up and has a vasectomy (which OP says he is doing).

Its a local anastatic for a bloke - very quick recovery, chap at work back the next day. Its a full anastatic for a woman, having your stomach filled with gas, which is very painful afterwards as the gas goes to your shoulders. It messes with a woman's bowels and its all very tender. It is certainly not a quick recovery for women compared to men. I was sterilized when I was 26, best thing ever, hysterectomy at 35, even better. I do have to say the person who does not want anymore children should be the one to do the deed.

Quite unsettling to see how many here seem to think that almost anything is a good enough reason to start a divorce. If your DH had refused to have a vasectomy and there were no other methods available then that could be seen as abuse but not the situation you are describing. I think your average man cringes at the thought of a doctor fiddling with his equipment !

That is such good news.I obviously don't know you but I was really worrying that you would post that talking about it on here might have helped you to find the courage to dive straight in and it had all back-fired !

Depo Provero isn't recommended anymore because of its link with meningioma brain tumours.