AMA: 42, four children, husband refuses vasectomy… and we’re still basically relying on the pull out method

[SillyCritic]

I’m 42 and my husband is 44. We have four kids. Life is busy but good and I genuinely thought we were both completely done with babies.

I haven’t been on hormonal contraception for about 13 years. I was on it for years before that and it made me feel absolutely awful, no sex drive, constantly dry, low mood, just generally not myself. When I stopped I felt so much better in myself and in my body, so I’ve never wanted to go back on it.
Because of that I track my cycle quite carefully. We base condom use around that if I’m near ovulation we use one. Other times we don’t.

And I hate to say this because I know how it sounds, but sometimes he just pulls out.
Writing that down makes me realise how ridiculous it probably sounds for two people in their 40s with four children already. But somehow it’s what we’ve drifted into doing over the years.

Which brings me to the current issue. I’ve suggested a few times that a vasectomy would make sense given we already busy life. His response is that he really doesn’t like the idea of someone “messing about down there” and tends to shut the conversation down.

What completely threw me though was recently he said he actually wouldn’t mind trying for one more.

I feel very done with pregnancies and babies. I’m finally getting to the stage where the kids are a bit older and life is slightly less relentless and the thought of starting again with a newborn at 42 doesn’t feel idea in my situation, my last pregnancy was ‘high risk’ and to top that off I decided I wanted a home birth and it did work out well but it’s not something I could do again.

So now I’m now thinking: Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life? and Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?

@SillyCritici just read your update about your first child- I am so so sorry ❤️ I completely understand how for you and your husband it’s a more complicated issue. Wishing you guys well. Glad he has agreed to a vasectomy, it sounds like the safest bet

Mainly because I have had bad experiences with hormonal contraception then I was on the coil but we wanted to try for another baby and never went back on anything after that.

I quite literally have no reason for using the pull out method. It’s not a thing where we sat down and decided , there’s been times where he’s wanted to use and condom and I’ve said no it’s fine I do track my cycle legitimately via temping etc but that is not always accurate. Silly me

Well, we used withdrawal at a point where we knew we wanted kids soon, weren't quite ready to actively try but it wouldn't have been a disaster if I had got pregnant at that point. It did work for us, or at least I assume it did because we used withdrawal for 2 years with no pregnancy and then each time we tried I was pregnant within 6 months. But I absolutely would not have done that if I wasn't ok with having a baby.

This is a risk that you are taking with him, OP, it's not something he's doing to you. You're making a decision here. Is it a decision you're happy with?

Yes otherwise I wouldn’t have agreed to it. I think MN has a hatred for all men regardless of the situation or any room for nuance I’ve had people message me telling me I’m being abused ? I have never been forced to do anything by my husband.

He has agreed to have a vasectomy now that eve discussed whether we want anymore children I said I do not want to go through another pregnancy and he’s said then he will get a vasectomy.

PS I don't think your husband is abusive and I am so sorry for the loss of your first child.

Edt to add: some people on here see abuse in places and situations that I really don't, you just have to sift through the responses and work out what does and does not help you really

No. It's there in case of contraceptive failure.

Although I'm happy that abortion is legal and available, and if I fell pregnant and didn't want to be, I'd be happy I could obtain one. But I thought it was clear, given the context of my post, that I meant: the pull out method can work so long as someone feels comfortable with the notion of either having a child or getting an abortion should they have a contraceptive failure.

While the pull out method can be very reliable for some people (I'm a case in point) it does have a slightly higher failure rate, so if a person decides to use it then they should be very aware of that, and prepared to deal with it however they choose.

Honestly op does it not massively bother you that he is refusing to get a vasectomy because he just 'doesn't like the idea of someone messing around down there" but is quite happy to use your body for sex in the way he wants, to risk your bodys health were you to end up with another high risk pregnancy and quite happy to leave you pregnant at 42 and dealing with all the effects of that?

I think I'd really struggle to respect a man with that little concern for my wellbeing and so much entitlement for my body while prioritising his own comforts.

Presumably the sex is consensual and hes not just Using the OP in the way he wants…….

also the OP does not want to protect herself or her own body by getting her own tubes tied. Is it not a little hypocritical to ask someone to do what your not willing to do yourself and then moan of the potentially life ruining consequences?

“Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life?”

Yes. Absolutely idiotic if you don’t want a 5th.

”Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?”

No, and I think vastly less of any man who refuses, given all women go through in this particular arena of life, but nor can you make him, either.

So the conversation between you both is now: proper contraception, or abstinence.

yes having your tubes tied is quite major
however done by laparoscopy , in , done and out in a few hours sore stitches for a few days = no more pregnancies
You don’t have to force a man to get ‘done’

He's changed his mind in less than 10 hours (and assuming you slept at some point)

I asked him about it on Friday

I’m not having my tubes tied ? That’s never been an option not sure where this is coming from ?

Maybe you’ve misunderstood my post but no where in post or comments have I mentioned my tubes tied same with abortion that people keep mentioning I’ve never mentioned that and would never have an abortion.

Where did I say it’s his idea to use the pull out method ? I’ve asked him to do that he’s never forced that on me. He’s asked me if I want to go in contraception Ive said no because I haven’t had a good experience on hormonal contraception. He’s agreed to have a vasectomy, this was our first time discussing having another child since our youngest and he’s now in school.

I think you’re making a lot of assumptions about someone because of gender. There is nothing I can say to ‘prove’ that I’m in a loving relationship and I feel loved and cared for by my husband so let’s go with him being this horrible man. Yes my husband is so horrible !! How dare he!

We lost our first when she was little to lukaemia and I think that hole will always be there despite all the counselling work we’ve done dealing with grief together and individually.

@SillyCritic
I think it's great he's finally agreed to a vasectomy. Is he on the waiting list? Also, once done, make sure he does the follow-up sample and gets the all-clear before stopping using other contraception.

So he said he doesn't like the thought of " Being messed about down there "
What about the fact you've been messed about during pregnancy , childbirth , postnatal , and smear tests ?
Frankly, the man is an uncaring fool .

We were advised not to have any more children by our midwife. Before the baby was one h had had the snip. I talked about being sterilised since I was the reasons we should t have any more but he said no, I'd done enough.

I personally believe that people are allowed to have anxieties about medical procedures involving their own bodies, even if their partner has gone through a lot physically as well. Those two things to me aren’t mutually exclusive.

Pregnancy, childbirth, postnatal care and smear tests are obviously huge experiences for women trust me I know I’ve even given birth 5 times. Regardless of this I think dismissing someone else’s discomfort or fear doesn’t really help either. It’s possible to acknowledge what women go through and still accept that a man might feel uneasy about being “messed about down there.”

Calling him an uncaring fool fair enough I don’t think so but there’s more nuance to my situation, our first born was very very ill and we lost her to cancer with this in mind I can’t possible post every single conversation we have had. This was the first time we’ve discussed children since our last born who is now in school, I’ve said I don’t want another child he’s said he will get a vasectomy he’s slightly scared but if that’s what I want then he’s willing to to that.

I agree.
OP the only daft bit here is relying on withdrawal. Condoms are pretty reliable, and no method is fail safe, so surely this just means using condoms every time until you are post menopause?

Yikes!!!!

I don’t really know what you’re asking. He doesn’t want to have a vasectomy and isn’t refusing to use condoms. You're the one who doesn’t want another baby but you’re not insisting on condoms and are telling him it’s fine to just pull out. He has the right not to want to have surgery if that’s how he feels and he’s willing to use other methods, it doesn’t make him a bad person or partner.

You’re both being annoying dancing around the condoms. He doesn’t want to wear one, but will if you ask. You don’t feel you should have to ask, so let him pull out (which doesn’t even make sense).

Just have a discussion and say “going forward let’s just use condoms every time. I’m not going to ask you to do it every time, it’s just our normal unless we explicitly decide otherwise”. Problem solved.

Sorry OP but I still don't understand why you can't use the non-hormonal coil?

Hope he steps up OP. He bloody should.

I do not want to anymore I’ve been on the non hormonal coil ? I don’t have to use it if I don’t want to just because it’s non hormonal doesn’t mean you have no side effects. It didn’t work out well for me.

Sorry, reading back I worded it badly! Obviously if it doesn't work for you that's fine. I completely agree with your posts about your DH's ability to choose what happens to his body - it's OK for him to feel anxious about snip. Also so important for you to think about your own health.
I really did only mean it because you'd said that you couldn't go back on hormonal contraception due to side effects. Some people don't realise the copper coil has such a good success rate (bloody love mine). But obviously, do what works for you x