AMA: 42, four children, husband refuses vasectomy… and we’re still basically relying on the pull out method

[SillyCritic]

I’m 42 and my husband is 44. We have four kids. Life is busy but good and I genuinely thought we were both completely done with babies.

I haven’t been on hormonal contraception for about 13 years. I was on it for years before that and it made me feel absolutely awful, no sex drive, constantly dry, low mood, just generally not myself. When I stopped I felt so much better in myself and in my body, so I’ve never wanted to go back on it.
Because of that I track my cycle quite carefully. We base condom use around that if I’m near ovulation we use one. Other times we don’t.

And I hate to say this because I know how it sounds, but sometimes he just pulls out.
Writing that down makes me realise how ridiculous it probably sounds for two people in their 40s with four children already. But somehow it’s what we’ve drifted into doing over the years.

Which brings me to the current issue. I’ve suggested a few times that a vasectomy would make sense given we already busy life. His response is that he really doesn’t like the idea of someone “messing about down there” and tends to shut the conversation down.

What completely threw me though was recently he said he actually wouldn’t mind trying for one more.

I feel very done with pregnancies and babies. I’m finally getting to the stage where the kids are a bit older and life is slightly less relentless and the thought of starting again with a newborn at 42 doesn’t feel idea in my situation, my last pregnancy was ‘high risk’ and to top that off I decided I wanted a home birth and it did work out well but it’s not something I could do again.

So now I’m now thinking: Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life? and Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?

I would not trust him and refuse to have sex until he sorts out his contraception. You’ve done your bit.

I think that’s a bit hash and quite a leap but alright

So what ARE you going to do? You don't want another child, he won't have a vasectomy, so what are you going to do? What are you going to do to take responsibility for your own body?

How is it a leap?

Personally I would not be having unprotected (probably any sex) sex with a man with such blatant disregard for me.

You don’t want any more kids
he won’t protect you , so get your tubes clamped

No one needs to ask you anything. It’s for us to tell you that you are risking a pregnancy and you should plan what you will do when/if it happens. Make sure DH is on the same page. If you want to keep a fifth and he doesn’t for example your relationship is at risk.

I am just stunned to think you can afford to put 5 children through University, you must both earn very very well

and yet neither of you are taking responsibility for contraception.

What a selfish manchild to say that after all your body has been through.

My ex was abusive in some ways but even he had the snip! (Eventually)

He’s since agreed to a vasectomy.
This was the first time we’d had the conversation about having other kids since our youngest is now in school. I’ve said I don’t think I want anymore at least I wouldn’t carry anymore and he’s said that’s understandable and he’ll have a vasectomy he’s jus ‘scared’ of the procedure.

We are both shitty with hormonal contraception in my early 20s we were much better but I think I had a fear of getting pregnant and also was finishing off my degree. I’ve been off hormonal contraception for such a long time I wouldn’t want to go back on it he has asked me before and I have said no I haven’t had a good experience.

Do you want more children?
If you did become pregnant what would you do?
If he won't have the snip and you won't get your tubes tied, oh and you use the very unreliable pull out method, what realistically are you going to do?
Take your head out of the sand and use it to think.

This is what’s going to happen.

OP will get pregnant, if she’s lucky she’ll give birth without health complications. She will announce to friends and family that “hehehe we were 4 and done but fate had other plans!”, they will raise 5 (if not 6) children less well than they would have done 4, their resources will be more split, time and money. I bet OP has a disproportionate amount of the physical and mental load on herself, I bet DH is a bit useless. She will resent him, she will be less happy and I would bet those 4 pre existing children will be less happy. DH’s life will go on unchanged, he will get his leg over and continue to use OP like a sock on the floor.

But hey, they get to decide what to do with their own bodies and condoms kill the mood.

Maybe he’s abusive my family doesn’t think so and I haven’t had that experience with him or maybe I’m naive. There’s more nuance to a post than what I’ve posted.

He has since agreed to have a vasectomy he’s just sacred of the concept of the procedure he’s in his head about it and wants me to go with him

@SillyCritic He doesn’t like the idea of anyone messing around with him but he would like to try for another baby. Good for him!
vasectomy or no sex is what I’d tell him!
you have done your bit it’s now his time to step up .

Definitely use condoms every time if you don’t want to get pregnant. Look after yourself x

That’s fair enough go with him then.
Have you both or he been to the doctors and started things moving along? Untill it happens it’s only words.

You gave birth 4 times! That’s a lot of pain and your DH is too wussy to go through a vasectomy, which is minor in comparison. Is he a coward?

Several people have suggested the non-hormonal/copper coil. Have you not considered this? I had trouble with hormones so I changed to that from the pill and had no issues at all.

I’m 37 and we’re pretty much the same position, I could’ve wrote this! He pulls out too.. sometimes even during ovulation. I’ve nagged him to go and see about getting the snip and he said he would but he’s dragging his heels. He bought condoms but they’re in the bloody drawer. I’m kind of like in one way if he got the snip I would be relieved but then it IS final and if I got pregnant - I wouldn’t abort either it just wouldn’t be ideal. I’m the same though as when I was last on the coil I had severe MH issues and I just don’t want to be on anything that could cause that again. It’s reminded me to have the snip chat again with him today I think!

I think my husband and I are on the same page after our conversation. He is going to get a vasectomy he wants me to go with him. This was the first time we’ve discussed children since having our youngest who’s at school now. Each one of the kids we have we have actively tried for, none of our children came ‘easy’ we’ve technically had 5 kids our first ever born died (she had leukaemia)we’ve gone through that together grief, therapy on dealing with the death of a child, couples counselling losing our baby changed us for better, I think we are better parents because of that experience.

He’s a great dad and husband we are both careless with contraception he’s been on it more than I have, I’m the one that often said oh it’s fine let’s not use condoms.

I think there’s a lot of assumptions being made about me or my husband and it’s not very nice. I’m not sure what’s going on with your life but saying that stuff to a stranger/another woman online it extreme. I hope I never resent my husband and that’s something I don’t wish on anyone at all.

Completely mad and irresponsible.

He is a wuss. He has agreed to have a vasectomy he just want me to go with him

Yeah that’s true

He wants me to go to his appointment with him says he’s going to book it tomorrow. I think he’s just a bit scared, which is ridiculous considering I’ve given birth to all his kids in our house with no meds yet he’s too scared of a vasectomy

Where is this coming from ?

I can say no to sex he’s never pushed me into it. I think now you’re making unnecessary assumptions I find it quite disgusting, you don’t need to be on my post thank you :)

Yes I had the copper coil