AMA: 42, four children, husband refuses vasectomy… and we’re still basically relying on the pull out method

[SillyCritic]

I’m 42 and my husband is 44. We have four kids. Life is busy but good and I genuinely thought we were both completely done with babies.

I haven’t been on hormonal contraception for about 13 years. I was on it for years before that and it made me feel absolutely awful, no sex drive, constantly dry, low mood, just generally not myself. When I stopped I felt so much better in myself and in my body, so I’ve never wanted to go back on it.
Because of that I track my cycle quite carefully. We base condom use around that if I’m near ovulation we use one. Other times we don’t.

And I hate to say this because I know how it sounds, but sometimes he just pulls out.
Writing that down makes me realise how ridiculous it probably sounds for two people in their 40s with four children already. But somehow it’s what we’ve drifted into doing over the years.

Which brings me to the current issue. I’ve suggested a few times that a vasectomy would make sense given we already busy life. His response is that he really doesn’t like the idea of someone “messing about down there” and tends to shut the conversation down.

What completely threw me though was recently he said he actually wouldn’t mind trying for one more.

I feel very done with pregnancies and babies. I’m finally getting to the stage where the kids are a bit older and life is slightly less relentless and the thought of starting again with a newborn at 42 doesn’t feel idea in my situation, my last pregnancy was ‘high risk’ and to top that off I decided I wanted a home birth and it did work out well but it’s not something I could do again.

So now I’m now thinking: Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life? and Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?

That's perfectly reasonable

You’ve endured 4 pregnancies and 4 births. Time for him to step up and have a very minor operation. Don’t let him near you until he takes one for the team. I certainly wouldn’t be entertaining this wet wipe, even if he stuck a rubber on it.

Aww at least he wants another child with you which is nice.

There’s different methods. Hubby had a Chinese procedure involving keyhole ‘surgery’ in a family planning day clinic in Australia. Basically in and out ( pun not intended).

no side effects however friends who had it undercover surgery had a vast range of experience non too pleasant.

now he has agreed, it’s worth considering options.

I know you are saying you are tracking your cycles but I am 46and in the last 4 years my cycle has gone nuts 27days, 42 days, 37 days, 37days, 38 days, 27 days, 51 days…be very careful!

Really abusive ? She's not sure and doesn't want hormonal i agree with previous poster try the non hormonal coil or condoms . He is not abusive for not wanting a vasectomy his body his choice same as hers . Between them they need a solution

I’m so sorry to hear about you daughter. One of my sisters had leukaemia a long time ago (in the 80s). Mumsnet is very judgemental about contraception. I think in real life loads of couples navigate these issues quite intuitively as you have been doing, you both know a baby now is probably not a good idea but you love each other and love your children so a bit of you both still yearns for it. I think this is normal in a good marriage. I think you’ve both done fantastically well to survive the loss of your daughter and make a happy and successful marriage for your sons. FWIW I had my third at 42 and conceived without much difficulty. It was actually my best and easiest pregnancy so I would def assume that you are still potentially fertile.

That's ok just a bit of moral support.

I managed my fertility with temping, mucus observation and barrier methods (cervical cap) from 22 yrs to menopause - no unplanned pregnancies. It can achieve contraceptive rates at or close to the level of the pill in sufficiently well trained and motivated users. So that is an option for you that is totally in your hands. Personally, OP, I think your husband is unbelievably selfish and cowardly to not have a vasectomy when you have four children, had a high risk pregnancy and have made it clear you are done with that phase of your life.

Tried to edit again having seen your husband will now have the snip - great - but I was too late. Sounds like you just needed a bit more communication and have a good relationship. Sorry you've had some horrible posts - it's not nice when you're looking for support.

Yes you are mad for relying on that. No you’re not unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy however it’s his body and he has every right to refuse. The same way as it’s your body and you will be the one pregnant so you have all the power to prevent that. Yes, hormonal contraception isn’t for everyone it’s not great for me either but would I rather feeling a bit off at times and spotting rather than being pregnant? Yes 1000%. There’s lots of other options too. Coil? Tubes tied? I would say if you don’t want to become pregnant you need to actively prevent it by any means you can.

EDIT - just seen update from OP which changes my reply

What a selfish bastard for goodness sake you’ve had four children with him and he doesn’t want to get the snip. It’s either condoms or no bloody sex. I seriously would be extremely pissed off with him if he was my husband it’s just not fair.

“Medical anxiety” my arse. He’s just another squeamish big manbaby who thinks his Golden Balls are too precious to be cut.

Seen OP’s update. Glad he’s agreed. Make sure to still use a condom every time until he’s had the all clear from his Followup sample.

I’m quite shocked at some of the responses demanding he has a vasectomy or leave him?!?! How would you feel if he was demanding she had her tubes tied? His body his choice right 💁there’s many other options that are non surgical and non permanent.
op I think it’s time to just take control of the situation, have the baby conversation properly and express your wishes then you can both decide what’s the best options going forward, no divorce necessary 😉

You can't continue to rely on your cycle as you approach menopause. You know you don't want another child, so please get yourself sterilised.

I agree absolutely.

@LoveMyBusPass Or, far more easily, and with less risk of complication, her partner can step up and get a vasectomy 👍

Easier? He won't do it. Sometimes you just have to do it yourself.

@LoveMyBusPass I'd get rid of the man, personally if he would rather me go through a far more invasive procedure than he can opt for.
Once our daughter had been born (husband's first and last) that's exactly what he did - why wouldn't he?
It's time men stepped up.

You could use the diaphragm or cap. I used one for years and it was really easy after a while. Also hated the pill and coil was painful. I don’t blame anyone who doesn’t fancy a vasectomy.

In your position OP, I'd be firmly crossing my legs and wouldn't be opening them again until he'd had a vasectomy. After having for kids you've had more than enough 'messing down there' - now it's his turn!

And be aware that as you move into peri menopause, your cycle may well start becoming less regular and predictable so any sort of rhythm method could be quite dangerous. I doubt that he really wants another baby, but it probably suits him to make you think he does, as it also makes it more likely t hat you will be the one to sort out a more reliable method of contraception.

Far easier to just bin him - I can't imagine how any woman, let alone one who has already had four children, could find such a selfish and cowardly oaf attractive. In fact, I'd betempted to give him the DIY version - he deserves it.

@Bunny65 Why not a vasectomy?