AMA: 42, four children, husband refuses vasectomy… and we’re still basically relying on the pull out method

[SillyCritic]

I’m 42 and my husband is 44. We have four kids. Life is busy but good and I genuinely thought we were both completely done with babies.

I haven’t been on hormonal contraception for about 13 years. I was on it for years before that and it made me feel absolutely awful, no sex drive, constantly dry, low mood, just generally not myself. When I stopped I felt so much better in myself and in my body, so I’ve never wanted to go back on it.
Because of that I track my cycle quite carefully. We base condom use around that if I’m near ovulation we use one. Other times we don’t.

And I hate to say this because I know how it sounds, but sometimes he just pulls out.
Writing that down makes me realise how ridiculous it probably sounds for two people in their 40s with four children already. But somehow it’s what we’ve drifted into doing over the years.

Which brings me to the current issue. I’ve suggested a few times that a vasectomy would make sense given we already busy life. His response is that he really doesn’t like the idea of someone “messing about down there” and tends to shut the conversation down.

What completely threw me though was recently he said he actually wouldn’t mind trying for one more.

I feel very done with pregnancies and babies. I’m finally getting to the stage where the kids are a bit older and life is slightly less relentless and the thought of starting again with a newborn at 42 doesn’t feel idea in my situation, my last pregnancy was ‘high risk’ and to top that off I decided I wanted a home birth and it did work out well but it’s not something I could do again.

So now I’m now thinking: Are we completely mad still relying on cycle tracking and (occasionally) the pull-out method at this stage of life? and Am I unreasonable for suggesting a vasectomy?

I mean, we hear the stories of individuals who have got pregnant past 40-41 in the news and on here, but it's actually really uncommon. In fact, almost everyone is done by 43, which is why IVF clinics - and the NHS - won't do own-egg IVF past 43, as the chances of success are so low. Individual stories - like yours - make pregnancy at 42-plus seem common, but if 100 women tried for a year at 42 and 43 to get pregnant, at least 90 per cent wouldn't. Probably more like 95-97%.

ETA: A quick search says that you have a 5% chance per cycle of conceiving at age 42-43. And that's when you are actually trying, not pulling out.

So if OP's husband didn't pull out, she'd have a 95% chance of NOT conceiving. With him pulling out, it must be zero.

A diaphragm and some spermicide is all that's needed for some peace of mind, or the sponge and spermicide. No need for all this drama. It would be different if she was early thirties.

Getting pregnant at 42 is NOT “pretty unlikely” - if they are not using any contraception it’s a real possibility. Putting OP’s life at risk with another high risk pregnancy.

I loathe men who are so pathetic about having a quick snip compared to putting their wives through yet another pregnancy, child birth, all the child raising. Absolutely pathetic.

In your case OP sounds like he’s ok with chancing the life of the mother of his 4 children. So you will have to insist on condoms every time while you look at any other options you have.

Why don’t you just have the non-hormonal coil? That’s what I did.

How would you feel if your teen/adult children were using condoms ‘sometimes’ and mainly the pull out method? Now start using condoms every single time or abstain from sex if he isn’t going to have a vasectomy. Very selfish of him considering you’ve put your body through so much.

Condoms every single time, or get yourself on contraception. A Mirena coil might suit you. It’s a very low hormone dose. I personally wouldn’t be risking a pregnancy in your situation. The risk of the baby having a disability increases with the age of the parents. Would he be willing to parent a disabled child, potentially for the rest of his life?

I mean it's 5% per cycle at age 42-43 when you are NOT pulling out. So OP's chances with the pull-out must be virtually zero.

I call a 95% chance of NOT getting pregnant, even when trying, pretty unlikely.

We're swayed so much by individual stories. They make pregnancy at 42 seem like a distinct possibility, but it's really not, at all. Stats bear this out.

I also think that "loathing" men who are too nervous for the snip is an over-reaction. I know it's maddening because of the comparison with what women have to go through to have children, but he has medical anxiety over a procedure, which is very common and very human, and is not based on any comparisons. I doubt you would loathe anyone for medical anxiety over anything else. He can't make his nervousness over the procedure go away bc women go through worse.

I used the copper coil. No hormones. Worked well. Pretty abundant periods though. I’d have been devastated by another pregnancy.

You are both crackers. You are risking an unwanted pregnancy, certainly unwanted by you. Your husband might think it's ok, who knows? No one can force another to be sterilized. If you don't want another baby for goodness sake get some reliable contraception. Personally, I would never have relied on a man to use contraception, they have nothing to lose if pregnancy happens. Most have their brains in their underwear at times and can easily walk away if they want.
Get to the doctor, get an iud, that might last till the menopause.

So its ok for you to give birth four times but he won't have a vasectomy. To be honest the selfishness would be enough of a birth control for me.

I see her point.

He's OK with you having a high risk pregnancy but not a versectomy.

Having been pregnant, I know which I would prefer.

It might be worth explaining to him how different those too options are.

He doesn't want the snip. Fair enough, his body. You don't want another child. So you use condoms, every time. It's not rocket science.

I’d like to see the stats for the women who are 42 intentionally becoming pregnant, if anyone’s able? I’m not sure I believe the 5% figure quoted above. I personally know seven women who gave birth at that age and slightly over (myself included) so would be interested to know.

I was told iat school that boys would rather get you pregnant than use contraception. You're on the way to baby no. 5 and that's your husband's preference rather than sort contraception out. You need to do something. No seems to work.

Better still leave him

I get tired of this glib "leave him" as if it's the easiest thing in the world to do.

They have four children together, and you can have no idea of the state of their marriage based on this one post from the OP.

The OP is asking for, and getting, advice on the specific problem she is talking about.

Please don't come back with, 'Ah, but it's a sign of their failing relationship.' It might be or it might not be, but unless the OP clarifies, we'll never know.

If you really don’t want another then you need to take some action yourself. I don’t agree with forcing someone into a procedure. My DH would never put me in that position. I just don’t think it’s something you do to someone you love. You need to explore your options - You get sterilised yourself (although female sterilisation is less effective than male), you use condoms every time, you get the copper iud or you carry on as you are and accept that baby no 5 may come along. If you have strong views about no more babies then you need to be doing something else.

Advice on what how to use contraception. Shes 42. Does she need to be told unprotected sex leads to pregnancy, that the pull out method isn't contraception.

Seven at 42-plus! I don't know a single one. Are you sure some of them weren't from IVF with donor eggs? I can see how people might want to keep the donor part secret.

This link says that the chances of getting pregnant naturally at 43 are 1-2%. I'd wager that some of your circle used donor eggs.

https://www.babycenter.com/getting-pregnant/preparing-for-pregnancy/age-and-fertility-getting-pregnant-in-your-40s1494699

And here's a bunch of stats. Again, really damning for pregnancies at 42-plus.

https://extendfertility.com/your-fertility/fertility-statistics-by-age/

Wanting to control someone else’s body upon threat of abandonment is what’s abusive.

Just use condoms. No big deal. You can’t make him have a vasectomy. Surely if you’re using pull out method you can’t be too anti having a fifth?

But it’s ok for you to have people messing around your bits??

Well at the end of the day as shitty as it makes him you can’t force him to get the snip so unless you want a fifth baby well into your 40s you need to grow up and use proper protection.

Obviously, the two of you are being really foolish. I'm pretty sure you already know this.
Your choices are:
Copper coil
Condoms every time
Consider female sterilisation
No sex

He’s told OP he wouldn’t mind trying for one more.He wants more kids .
I think that’s why he won’t have a vasectomy

It's concerning that some pps are assessing the efficiency of certain methods based on their own experience. Eg we used x, y, z and we didn't get pregnant. These are mere anecdotes, they ought not to be advice.
You should go for a consultation together eg gp, contraceptive clinic, whatever service you have locally. Having the conversation together with a professional would help you settle on something you're both happy with, as it is a chance to address both of your concerns factually and neutrally.

That's also a good indicator of whether either of you is being selfish, if one or other of you would not consider this idea.

So, I'd try that, rather than having to endure made up risk assessments on here based on personal luck.

Have you considered the cap ? It can be put in hours before sex and I think would be a good companion to pulling out ie use both methods