I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

What a tremendous way to really fuck your kids up.

Oh he will. He will be fucking off into the sunset the day after the last 18th birthday.

At least OP knows he might leave, a lot of men in normal marriages often leave.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t gay OP…. and I’m a bit confused as to how you think he is.

If it works for you that’s great though.

A man having regular pleasurable sex 'for fun' with a woman he is married to isn't gay. He's a bisexual man married to a woman, and who has sex with men outside of his marriage.

Utterly attention seeking post.

Who on earth has any interest in 2 people, confused about their sexuality, bringing 4 kids into the world. SS perhaps, but honestly, grow up.

what a messy and immoral set up - what do you think this is teaching your kids about honesty and loyalty?

The sex we have is rarely vaginal but it has been in order to conceive, there is a lot more touching required to get to that point.

there’s been times were we haven’t had sex with each other for over a year while seeing other people.

It is a matter of convenience and pleasure not desire.

i think we are much more honest and loyal to each other than a lot of parents and it is a lot less messy.

Keep telling yourselves that. I doubt very much it is remotely true.

Isn’t a Lavander marriage a marriage of two people in name only, a business arrangement, not one where they have an active, mutually pleasurable sex life and four children 😂. I think OP you want your relationship to sound more unusual than it actually is, you just have an open marriage and your husband is bi sexual.

Which is fine, that was the agreement I made.

I believe completely that he would never truly desert me or the dc though, he is a good man.

I think actually you do get straight men having sex with other men for fun, with orgasm through touch the priority - it's what lots of them do in prisons and private schools! It sounds like that's kind of analagous how OP & her husband operate sexually. Might not be that unusual in a marriage context - doing things sexually for sensation, without being attracted. It seems a bit bleak but if you're best friends, and you wouldn't feel threatened by others coming into the picture then... I understand how it would work emotionally. And I see how some women would like there being no threat at all from other women. You get a sort of unique status in his life.
But, you're surely both lacking being In Love? Which could hit when you open up to other people.

Sounds like a pretty regular marriage to me.

I’m surprised a gay man can get an errection, sustain it and cum with a woman. I didn’t think they could get that aroused by a woman?

Of course it is while it works, but if he falls for another man and leaves you before all the kids are 18, breaking your agreement it will be messy. Especially when the kids then realise he’s bi and hasn’t bothered telling them that either. To them it will be the same as any other marriage where
one partner leaves for someone else.

It’s great that your marriage works for you, but I don’t think it makes your marriage superior to a genuine one. Yours is really honest with each other but your kids will be lied to for their entire childhoods.

Would it bother you if he had sex with another woman?

Wow, sounds amazing. You are very lucky to have found each other. The gay men I know are absolutely revolted at the mere mention/thought of a vagina 😂
Yours is defo bi

I don't think it's immoral. The only deception going on appears to be the claim that he's gay. He has mutually pleasurable sex with OP for recreation, not just reproduction, so he's obviously bi. Sounds like he just wants to keep the door open for future relationships with men. OP does too and they're both honest about this and ok with it.

I guess there's the risk of one of them falling in love and ending the marriage but that's always a risk, and actually it might be less likely if there's full, willing permission just to let it continue.

I guess my only question is why you two are wedded (ha ha) to the idea that he's gay when he's bi.

You intend to lie to your children by saying he's bi - even though it's not a lie, because gay men don't have sexual relationships with women for fun. But to you, it's a lie. I mean to me my sexual orientation isn't strictly any of my kids business but you've already decided to tell them what you believe to be a lie about the entire foundation of your marriage and family. That's not honest or loyal.

He’s bi. Not a single one of my gay male friends would willingly have sex with a woman.

Well said, the OP just want to convince herself and others that their relationship is “Lavander” and somehow special when all it really is is an open marriage.

Right.

Because he has always told me he is. I agreed to marry and have children with him knowing he was gay.

To us he is a gay man, he isnt sexually atttracted to me or other women. I don’t feel the sexual attraction to him I could towards a straight man because I think of him as gay.

So you're in an open marriage with a bi man. If that works for you, crack on.