I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

maybe it would help if you explain what "glamour modelling" you were involved with and what your husband's role in it was? Its difficult to apply boring straight people's set of values to an unknown fringe sub culture

That's a laughable comment. Seriously? You're asking if I don't know what those are?

You said you were previously in the sex industry.
And you said you were a glamour model.
You also said you'd met thousands of men you found attractive. So male models, men in porn film etc.

You seem to know a lot about how prostitutes feel, or think you do, so it's not a stretch to ask if you were an escort or did paid sex work.

All of which is a very different way of life and makes me think you've been 'procured' by this man and he's not the great person you think.

That would explain why they moved back to UK and why they are putting on a front of a "normal" straight marriage

So what sex acts do you do to him that you don't enjoy doing and wouldn't do for any other man?

Am I the only one horrified by the thought of you both carrying out sex acts for each other (on each other) that neither of you actually want to do?!

Yes I think they needed to get out of the US for many reasons.

Yeah, I don't know what's going on. But inventing a fake marriage and family is weird and creepy, however you slice it.

The fact that OP thinks unwanted sex with a person you're not attracted to is 'fun and convenient' and that they don't have boundaries around sexuality as 'best friends' would does also raise suspicions.

Whatever it is, fine if they are both consenting. NOT fine to bring children into the mix, though.

You're absolutely not the only one, don't worry.

I'm curious why you went to the US to study. Are you a high flyer (ie Harvard?)
Did you get a visa to stay and work there , and met this man?

It's pretty hard to stay in the US and get a work permit.

Wow, the fact the country they went to/ left was US is really weird. I guess it was a bit too much for the good old US of A?

Phew!

This just reads as some incredibly fucked up and abusive relationship to me!

It would be fine and ok - whatever this situation is - if there were not 4 children involved. I wonder if this should be flagged up to SS somehow.

Why on earth would SS get involved? There is absolutely nothing to suggest the children are not loved and cared for.

I'm not sure how that would be possible, but it's worrying, for sure. Poor kids.

So much outrage! It's almost as if people believe that the one defining aspect of any person is their sexual orientation. 'Living a lie' is so judgemental and clearly not true for OPs very measured answers. She has clearly touched a few raw nerves but I think she's doing just fine navigating a family life with someone she loves.

Apart from that they are being used to create the impression of a 'normal' family, for reasons which no one is able to make sense of?

I do hope you're right, though.

You've missed the point entirely.

It’s not about the sexual orientation.

She is lying to her kids about what their family set up really is. Thats not in question.

Her kids do deserve the truth and there is absolutely no reason why she shouldn’t be honest.

This thread is absolutely batshit, I love it. @dontquestion good for you.

I've particularly enjoyed how the pp have been trying to ratchet up the outrage with every comment, so they can get to post 1000 as the Most Appalled.

Now they're calling social services, brilliant.

There is nothing to suggest a need for SS involvement.

They should be honest with the kids though.

One day the arrangement will end and things are likely to come to light. It’s better the kids knew the reality from the start.

Co parenting by two loving parents does not need to be hidden under a’normie’ family facade.

I'm not outraged. I'm sad. It's all so desperate. Kids deserve better.

Of course you are, dreadfully sad, and a top grade citizen.

Not really but why not just be honest with the dc? Gay people can be these days.

Do kids always deserve to know the truth?

If two people are extremely unhappy and the wife is agreeing to sex she doesn't want once a week to keep the husband from going in a mood should the kids know that?

Why would such a couple stay together long term?
It’s not an obvious comparison.