I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

If you’ve had sex to conceive and for pleasure then in what way is he gay, rather than bi?

He's a bisexual man, who has sex with you for fun.

Nothing wrong with that but this is not a lavender marriage.

Yeah, that man is bi-sexual, my friend.

No gay man is going to regularly sleep with a woman, and still maintain that he’s a homosexual.

Exactly , it’s such a weird arrangement- it’s deceitful

Rather than taking DH’s word for it, ask some gay men if DH is gay - that’ll set you straight.

He doesn’t just get it up because I am a women, it isn’t regular or easy and we have to work at it but it can still be pleasurable

I don’t why that is so hard to believe. I can imagine still feeling pleasure with a woman I was comfortable and honest with even though I have no sexual desire towards women. Can you not, at all?

So he's bi..not gay.🤔

I’m worried that OP has been sold a story and is going along with things. I feel like you’d have to have quite low self esteem to just get with a gay man that says he doesn’t find woman attractive but will marry and give you kids for convenience. To me that sounds like a hurt woman done with bad relationships that’s settling.

He has sold the “gay man” story line to OP with the agreement that it might not last forever and he might find a man later on that he wants to be with, as OP has already told us. He is clearly bisexual but enjoying men on the side which OP has had an open relationship too. So having his cake and eating it.

If OP is genuinely happy then it’s fine to be honest, there’s worse things than an open relationship with someone you get along with and are content with.

But the op is the one putting her DH in a box. And it’s the wrong box. If she had said ‘I have an open relationship with my DH who has sex with other men’ it would have been far more honest than her saying he’s gay.

Correct.

To be fair OP put herself in the box of a lavender marriage. She could have said ‘I’m married to a man who is bi, AMA’.

gave your feelings for him ever developed into the wrong territory - have you ever felt you were falling in love with him? Or felt territorial about him? (I imagine this is the muddy territory I would end up in).

have either of you fallen in love with another person since you started the marriage?

thank you

I'd rather masturbate.

Who initiates this sex that you have to work at and is rarely vaginal?

But it’s a marriage of convenience - like the Clinton’s

dunno, maybe it’s different for men than women. Men can sleep with people they aren’t physically attracted to

Do you think they’ll be ok with it when they find out op?

So he has free reign to sleep with men then? He really can have his cake and eat it. It does point to low self esteem on your part. How can you really feel safe and secure with him?

I can imagine still feeling pleasure with a woman I was comfortable and honest with even though I have no sexual desire towards women.

But you haven’t, because you’re straight.

That’s the thing. Straight men don’t go around having sex with their male best mates for fun or convenience OP. I have amazing friends who I’m comfortable with, adore and would do anything for but I have never felt like having sex with them “for fun”.

You can try and think all you want that he is gay but he isn’t.

God I can't imagine being 18 and finding out that the parents i thought were in love and happily married were actually just together out of convenience and that my dad was gay all along.

What a strange set up with everyone living some sort of lie.

OK, a question: Clearly he is bi but has a preference for men. Plus you say you're not in love with him and have no sexual attraction to him, but you don't want him sleeping with other women.

Are you both wedded to the idea that he's gay because it will make it easier for you both to accept when you split up once your kids are grown up, as you say you plan to do? Then he can imagine it's because he's being true to himself and the marriage was never "real" in that sense, and you can imagine that it's because he's gay, so not a failing on your part nor anything you could control? And that's also why you don't want him to sleep with women, because it would shatter the illusion?

Methinks the OP is getting a lot of unnecessary hostility on this thread! They're both happy, they are raising happy children, they are a solid living family unit - what's the problem? I think a lot of the beef comes from others being jealous that the OP gets to see other men safe in the knowledge it won't wreck her family or marriage!
Thank you, OP, for giving us this interesting insight into your marriage/life - I'm sure there are others out there also doing this who, because of similar reactions in this thread, keep it v v private too. Sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job and sound much happier than many "traditional" marriages I know.

I don’t mean to be rude but if you have sex and he enjoys it… he’s not gay he’s bi? Does he not feel like he’s living a lie?

At the minute. Wait until the kids are 18….

Yes, I agree a marriage of convenience because they both wanted children, OP may be older and had not met anyone, gay men cannot have children unless adoption or surrogacy.

No, he’s just my best friend. I believe he is gay so couldn’t fall in love with him. He’s never given me reason to be territorial, he’s always given enough time to our family.

we have both been in ‘relationships’ with other people during our marriage where there was love but I don’t believe either of us have ever fallen in love with anyone or considered leaving for them.