I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

Yes

He is bi. No gay man I know would do this.

Are you in love with him?

I think you're both lying to yourselves and each other and to us tbh.

What a pointless thread, this should be done under the Trade Descriptions Act for misleading advertising.

No question but this is fascinating! I can see how this could work brilliantly. Maybe better than a hetro marriage.
I don’t think this would damage a child any more than other unplanned life events.
everyone knows where they stand. I think it’s brilliant

No, I love him though.

he isnt sexually atttracted to me

He is, though. Two people don't have regular, mutually pleasurable sex for enjoyment with each other with no attraction on either side.

There are many flavours of sexuality and attraction and his is clearly a flavour of bi, with a preference for men.

It sounds like you are happier than a lot of married women I know!
The people judging you will likely also judge me for being a single parent through choice, they'd much rather people be in unhappy marriages rather than doing what works for their own families!

did you both agree on 4 kids beforehand you started your family?
do you own a property together?

I used to know of a similar couple, friends of friends. She was a very pretty girl, he was a great character, a brilliant laugh, and pretty obviously gay.

Friend who knew them well said they were very happy - they had a couple of lovely children. Friend said she assumed that they had only ever DTD when they wanted a baby. Maybe she wasn’t keen on nookie anyway - some women just aren’t.

I’m reminded of a friend of my student landlady ages ago who told me that unlike my landlady, she’d never get married again. ‘I never did take to the upstairs work.’ 😂

Why are you so keen to dismiss the idea he is bi rather than gay?

I don’t buy this. I have lived with other women and I have not had sex with them because I am not gay. It wouldn’t have crossed my mind my mind to have sex with them for convenience.

It seems to work for you both, and you don't seem to be under any illusions.

I am curious about him being able to get erect and have apparently regular vaginal sex with you though. I have a gay friend who wanted a close loving committed relationship with a man but kept getting disappointed, so he and his female best friend - who really love each other - tried to have sex multiple times, but he felt repelled by her female anatomy and just couldn't get erect or aroused in any way. He really tried though.

I know sexual desire is fluid but yeah, it's my understanding too that the idea of sex with women is literally revolting to gay men (the ones I know, anyway).

Do you think she sounds happy? I think she sounds desperately sad, convincing herself a man who isn't in love with her is gay to justify something to herself. He's not gay and he's not in love with her, and she expects him to leave her, which is just a sad, although not uncommon, marriage.

That sounds really sad.

Why do you blank out the fact that you do have a sexual relationship? Surely he’s bi

Also what will the dc know about the reality of your set up? If they do find out at some point how would you mitigate any fall out from that

Shocked at how this AMA turned into a judgemental- black and white- we need to put everyone in a box thread.

A gay man can't even get it up for a woman, the fact yours can and does so regularly just for fun goes to show he's Bi not gay. A gay man would seriously struggle and typically the mere thought of sleeping with a woman is enough to put them right off.

You've a Bi husband who has fooled you into accepting his flings while still getting all the wife benefits out of you.

I understand people thinking he is bi and am happy with that as that is what we want other people who know about his past to think.

But that is not what he identifies as and not how I see him.

He told me he was gay and I believe him.

We don’t have a normal regular sex life, we have learnt how to pleasure each other for convenience and conception.

Sounds to me like he's the sort that's wants to shag anything. I'd place a substantial bet that he's been shagging other women. A true gay man would not indulge in sex with a woman.

Do you share a bed/bedroom?

I’m not, it would obviously be easier if he was but he isn’t.

Why would it be easier?

Methinks the OP doth protest too much.