I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say not many people want sex with someone who doesn't find them in any way physically attractive. In my experience, the only people who get off on this are creeps who enjoy the fact that they are making the other person do something they feel repulsed by.

I agree.

I cannot see a gay man doing anything to please a woman which she could do herself- other than oral.

It comes over as a power trip.

And no, best friends don't go down on each other, no matter how 'best' they are. I am very fond of my friends but they are not getting in my knickers.

It's completely out of bounds, just like men who are friends don't give each other blow jobs for fun.

I feel like I’m repeating my self. I don’t necessarily get physical pleasure from pleasing him, he doesn’t necessarily get physical pleasure from pleasing me but we can both enjoy making the other feel good.

Well it's odd you can please him because he likes men, so you say.
But if he shuts his eyes, it could be a man giving him a BJ or something up the bum, I guess.

I think the sex you have and enjoy necessitates a very good imagination and being able to take yourself out of reality.

Are drugs involved to help the illusions?

I have answered these questions.

We decided that this is the most stable and normal set up we could give them, that’s what we both wanted.

We don’t feel like we are lying to them. They don’t need to know details of their parents sex lives.

Every single parent on earth lies to their children even if it’s just keeping back some of the truth. We are happy and live each other, that is true. We are not pretending to be happy for their sake.

Again we wanted them to grow up in one home, with a mum and dad who love each other. We also wanted the companionship of having each other as a ‘partner’

OP worked in a "glamour" industry in another country, where she met this guy. Hmm.

Op - is he older than you are?

When you say he’s gay as you did here, what will you say when they ask how long have you/ he known?

All of this could have been achieved without pretending to be a heterosexual (or bisexual) couple. This is what people don't understand.

I suspect you both have had quite traumatic pasts and perhaps you're both so fixated on this idea of giving your children the perfect family because neither of you experienced that growing up. And you have settled on this bizarre marriage as a self-defence mechanism believing that because you are not actually in love with each other you can't be hurt or betrayed by each other.

How much older than you is he?

We don’t feel like we are lying to them. They don’t need to know details of their parents sex lives.

Every single parent on earth lies to their children even if it’s just keeping back some of the truth. We are happy and live each other, that is true. We are not pretending to be happy for their sake.

We don’t feel like we are lying to them.

That's because it's hard isn't it? It's easier to pretend you're right.

It's not about knowing the details of their parents' sex lives. I don't know if you won't see this or your brain isn't wired to appreciate the difference.
This is not about a sex life.

It's far more important than that.

Most children believe unless told otherwise that a man and woman who are their bio parents are straight. You're lying by omission. If you were so sure what you're doing is right, you'd be honest.

You don't know every single parent on earth.
It's when you come out with statements like that your 'youth' shows.

It's not quite the same as saying to a child 'There's no more chocolate in the house'.

It's very convenient for you to park the outcome of this because it's too hard for you to get your head around it.

It's so weird how you don't seem to see what you are doing.

It's not about your sex lives. But given that seems to be your main focus, okay. You are pretending to your children that you are a heterosexual couple, that you are in love, and that you are faithful to one another.

This is all lies.

Your kids are going to find out that it's all lies. And they are going to ask the exact question you've been asked over and over on this thread: why did you lie? Why did you create a fake marriage, when you could have simply co-parented as best friends? How do we now know what is true, when you have deceived us about your fundamental character for our whole lives? How do we trust you again? Why couldn't you have been honest from the beginning?

And you're going to answer, "Well, your dad is bi and we're best friends."

And somehow you think it's all going to be okay. I think you're truly deluded.

8 years

was he your pimp in the glamour industry?

How did I guess he was older?... Its all starting to make sense... ((

I actually think these modern 21st century kids won't bat an eyelid at discovering their parents had an open marriage and dad like blokes.
However if they find out about the glamour modelling, porn and using sex toys on each other they'd be more likely to be screaming "eww don't want to know....urgh".
Or....they will be totally disgusted and angry by the sex industry part (glamour modelling is part of it) rather than the open marriage part.

Do people in open hetero relationships with small children actively tell them and others that they are unfaithful to each other?
In my experience it is normal to keep that private and would be confusing to children.

How do you expect the children to ever find it all out? As far as they will ever be concerned their mum and dad were always happily married and loved and supported each other which is true. If DH decides to have public relationships with men in the future then they will believe he is Bi.

There may well be difficult emotions over a lot of things in the future but for now we are trying to give them the most stable, happy and supported childhood we can so they are able to cope with that.

Because it would mean she would finally have to admit he's not gay like she believes

I think you're wrong. It's not really about open-mindedness or tolerance for different sexualities. It's about being deceived about the fundamental nature of their family. When there was no need to lie about any of it.

It could well also be about finding out through seeing Dad's profile on grindr, or gossip and rumours at school, or a sexual partner of one or other parent being a creep or danger. Maybe it all comes out in therapy when they are struggling with why they can't seem to manage a healthy relationship or feel safe with a partner.

Whereas they could have had a lovely family where the kids knew that their parents weren't together, but also knew that they could trust them because they've always been honest and authentic. They would also have the chance to see healthy relationships modelled as either of their parents might meet and fall in love with someone.

If you don't think living with fake people in a fake home hurts children and damages them deeply, I don't know what to say to you.

Wow.

The point is not that you should tell your children you're unfaithful to one another. You're not unfaithful to one another, because you're not a couple. That's the point. You're pretending to be a couple, and you are not.

How can you possibly feel okay about lying to your children for the rest of their lives? You won't even admit that he's gay, even if he goes on to marry a man? So his children will never, ever know their father for who he truly is. That's so fucking sad.

A childhood that is based upon massive lies about fundamental things is not stable or happy, sorry. It's a disaster waiting to happen. You could give your kids a wonderful childhood with two loving parents who are friends. I really and truly cannot understand why you chose a path of deceit, when there is absolutely no legal, religious, or cultural reason that would make this necessary.

Maybe you don’t understand what glamour modelling or a pimp is but no.
I was never a prostitute if that’s what you are asking.

Do you think everyone questioning you with shock is happily married? Little shocked at how pearl clutching the commenters are tbh.

How do you manage finances in the relationship please?

Do you think you'll ever fall in love in a conventional way? Or is that something you'd like to do one day?

This.

And this.

The lie in no way benefits your kids.

And it could very well hurt them.

@dontquestion I think you're getting a hard time here so just wanted to say I understand why you and your husband have made this choice. From what you have posted it seems like your children are loved and well cared for by two people who treat each other with love and respect.

I may be missing something but I don't get the obsession over wether your husband is gay or bi. I genuinely think it doesn't matter. It seems you have made a commitment to each other and both of you are honouring that. What you do or don't do in the privacy of your bedroom is your business. If it works it works.

There are so many women in unhappy marriages with useless men who treat them like shite, don't help with child care, household tasks etc. I wonder how sexually attractive these men are and if their wifes' enjoy shagging them.

Can’t really see why people are getting so wound up by this tbh.

The OP seems happy, husband seems happy, kids presumably happy.

The kids have a secure family unit. Heterosexual family units blow apart all the time, due to infidelity etc.

People insisting he’s bi and not gay….i dunno, I’m not sure why they feel so strongly about that. OP has said he doesn’t get turned on by her, they have to use gay porn…sounds gay to me.

I have a few friends who have recently (over the past few years) come to the conclusion that they are asexual. These are women in their mid to late 50s. They’ve never enjoyed sex, but they love their husbands and they don’t hate it so on special occasions etc are happy to go ahead with it to make husbands happy.

Sounds similar to what OP and husband are doing. Mutual touching to make the other person happy.

Would you be happy if your kids took the same path or would you prefer them to find a more traditional relationship?

@dontquestion

”glamour” as in you were a glamour model, OP?