I’m in a lavender marriage (DH is gay) AMA

[dontquestion]

I knew DH was gay when we agreed to get married and have children together.

Married 10 years, 4 DC and its working perfectly for us.

AMA

This is hard to comprehend, sorry.

Surely this goes beyond physical touch.

Do you have gay friends who would be in a sexual relationship with a woman? I would've thought that's pretty unusual

Fine, that is the agreement we made.

He will at some point and so will I, we just both haven’t had the time over the last year or so to try meeting anyone else

@dontquestion "physical touch can still be pleasurable even when there isn’t sexual attraction to other person."

Yes, sometimes that's true but not very often. And you say you have sex for fun, not just physical touching. He must be a very unusual gay man if he finds having sex with a woman fun. Most of my gay friends would rather stick hot needles in their eyes. I think your DH is more likely to be bi with a bias towards men (given his previously relationships).

If he can get it up for OP, he is bi.

I'm glad it's working out for OP. Happier than many marriages I know.

He’s 100% bi.

Yes agree

maybe it was a headline grabber

This thread is bonkers

OP tries to convince us that DH whom she has regular sex with and 4 children by is gay

I am happy that your relationship is a happy one OP

Exactly..... I doubt you'd find a straight man having sex with men "just for fun".

I don't think many true gay men would find anything fun about having sex with a woman.

People only have sex with people they're sexually attracted to.

I mean he can call himself whatever he likes, but the general understanding of the definition of the word ‘gay’ is not your DH. He’s bi.

OP I’d like to know what was in it for you when you entered into this arrangement - why didn’t you continue to look for a man that only wanted you, to have children with?

It probably is unusual.

To me sex with him is different to the sex Ive had have with other men and to him sex with me is different to the sex he has with other men where there is physical attraction.

it does just come down to physical touch for us, we have both learnt to how to physically pleasure each other.

I can imagine paying for an erotic massage preformed by a woman and finding it pleasurable even though I have no sexual desire towards women.

Did you date much before marrying your husband? Does any part of you feel that you’ve settled?

Do you think you’ll be together for the rest of your lives? Or do you anticipate separating once the kids have flown the nest? (It seems like the family unit bit was relevant to your decision).

Im glad you're happy, but this isn't a lavender marriage.

Sounds a bit mechanical

Curious why you’re asking? Seems you’re happy with it so why the question? Not being hostile just curious.

Why did you agree to marry a gay man? Do you have no confidence? I struggle to understand why you would marry a gay man rather than have a normal relationship

We got on very well, I wanted a family and children and he was more honest and trustworthy to me than any other man.

Why? Why marry a man who doesn’t want you? Do you have an open marriage or are you just not interested in sex? This is a very weird idea for me to get my head around. In my brain, mutual sexual attraction is like criteria number one for a marriage? And then obviously you need to be compatible in terms of life goals and how you live together day to day and everything. Do you think this is a life long partnership for you two or just for the time to raise your kids?

I don’t think he sounds bi tbh, he definitely sounds gay

i could fuck a woman but I fancy men (unfortunately, terrible gender)

Are you both older and both wanted a large family (4 is quite large to me) so this was the best way forward.

But an erotic massage (pleasurable touch) is not the same as having sex with a woman.

Or do you and your DH touch each other but not actually have vaginal intercourse?

But what do you gain from this arrangement that you couldn't have had from a relationship where your partner both loved you and found you attractive? Were you older or have low self esteem?

Perhaps I just can’t see this viewpoint and I’m uneducated but if I was having sex with another woman for 10 years and had 4 kids with her then told everyone I was straight and only fancied men - no one would believe me. I think there may be a bit of a difference to a one off kiss, or even sex with someone from the same sex vs 10 years and regular “fun” sex

Right. You had had shit relationships with shit men before and then this guy came along and wasn’t shit. (Except that he’s telling you he’s gay when he isn’t and gets to have sex with men while you have his babies for him).

I’m glad you’re happy op but I do think you are somewhat delusional about the situation.

I had several very unhappy relationships that all ended badly.

I feel settled now. The agreement is that we would stay together at least untill all children had reached 18. I think I would be happy to continue after then but he may feel differently and that’s okay.

I don't see how this is a lavender marriage. You're married to someone you have a close emotional connection and sexual relationship with.

No one is hiding their sexual orientation. It isn't a marriage of convenience while you maintain other genuine relationships.

It sounds like you have a great relationship tbh.