Page 2 | I realised I was a lesbian at 36 and left my husband AMA

madeofwaxlarry · 2022-04-15T07:42:25+00:00

I was 36 years old, married with 2 kids, when I fell in love with a woman and my whole world turned upside down. Suddenly everything made sense and I couldn't believe I'd been so blind.

WhatInFreshHell · 15/04/2022 09:16

Same happened to me OP, although I had already been divorced from my husband for a couple of years before meeting my female partner, who has changed my life. Most of my life makes sense now, I've been gay the entire time, I just didn't realise. I'm the happiest I've ever been now and I wish you all the best for the future.

Original poster

madeofwaxlarry · 15/04/2022 09:16

@AchillesPoirot

Why didn’t you leave your husband before shagging the woman?

I didn't know that I wanted to leave him. I didn't know what would happen with her. I didn't know if I would like it if it did happen. I didn't know if I was willing to destroy my whole world.

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caecilius1 · 15/04/2022 09:17

Has your ex-husband been devastated by this? Do you care or are you proud of yourself ?

Original poster

madeofwaxlarry · 15/04/2022 09:18

@CakeAmbushAlert

How did you meet the woman? Did you walk out on your marriage immediately?

How did your own & ex-Husbands family take it?

Our families have been great. My family have been very supportive, primarily just worried about the kids. My husband's mum sent me a nice message saying that she knew what it was like to have to leave a relationship that wasn't working

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AchillesPoirot · 15/04/2022 09:18

But you had an affair with her.

That’s not something I understand. Why didn’t you leave him when you realised you were attracted to women and then explore that further once you were single?

AchillesPoirot · 15/04/2022 09:19

I didn't know that I wanted to leave him. I didn't know what would happen with her. I didn't know if I would like it if it did happen. I didn't know if I was willing to destroy my whole world.

So you expected him to stay with you even though you were having an affair?

Whinge · 15/04/2022 09:21

I think it's so telling that you say my whole world turned upside down. What about the trauma and devastation you caused to your poor husband and children? 😢

Original poster

madeofwaxlarry · 15/04/2022 09:22

@WhatInFreshHell

Same happened to me OP, although I had already been divorced from my husband for a couple of years before meeting my female partner, who has changed my life. Most of my life makes sense now, I've been gay the entire time, I just didn't realise. I'm the happiest I've ever been now and I wish you all the best for the future.

Thank you

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OrlandointheWilderness · 15/04/2022 09:23

Do your children know?

PermanentTemporary · 15/04/2022 09:23

I know so much what you mean about compulsory heterosexuality.

What are the things that made sense to you now earlier in life? Did you fall jn love with girls when you were younger - how did you think about that at the time?

Original poster

madeofwaxlarry · 15/04/2022 09:26

@caecilius1

Has your ex-husband been devastated by this? Do you care or are you proud of yourself ?

He's been devastated by it and I do care very much and I am not proud at all. I have made huge mistakes

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Original poster

madeofwaxlarry · 15/04/2022 09:26

@OrlandointheWilderness

Do your children know?

Yes

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Original poster

madeofwaxlarry · 15/04/2022 09:31

@Whinge

I think it's so telling that you say my whole world turned upside down. What about the trauma and devastation you caused to your poor husband and children? 😢

My children and my husband and my family are my world and it all turned upside down. It's been devastating for my husband and confusing for my children but there was no way I could ignore that realisation that I had. I knew they'd all be ok. Yes, I feel bad. Yes I made mistakes. I'm not trying to convince you or myself that I'm not the bad guy. I fully accept responsibility

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caecilius1 · 15/04/2022 09:32

Has your husband's whole identity and mental health been shaken to the core? I wonder if he's alright with effectively having been your beard and father of the children you wanted?
I have direct personal experience of this. It is never alright to drag along an unsuspecting person into a heterosexual marriage when you know you're not heterosexual.
Nobody reasonable has a problem with homosexuality, but reasonable people do have a problem with duplicity.

There is no chance you didn't know you were a lesbian before marriage.
Even if this was a revelation to you during your marriage and children , what makes you think an affair is justified ?

Original poster

madeofwaxlarry · 15/04/2022 09:33

@AchillesPoirot

I didn't know that I wanted to leave him. I didn't know what would happen with her. I didn't know if I would like it if it did happen. I didn't know if I was willing to destroy my whole world.

So you expected him to stay with you even though you were having an affair?

I didn't expect him to... i just didn't care if he didn't... which was what led me to making the decision to leave

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AchillesPoirot · 15/04/2022 09:33

what makes you think an affair is justified?

That’s the but I don’t understand. Sorry.

AchillesPoirot · 15/04/2022 09:34

*bit

CakeIsNotALuxury · 15/04/2022 09:34

What happened with your children did they move with you or stay with your ex?

I'm loving this post, good on you OP! Life is to short to be anything but happy.
My aunt did the same worked out she was actually gay after having 4 kids and a 30 year marriage, left her husband in her 50s and married her lovely life partner at 52. They've been very happy since.

AchillesPoirot · 15/04/2022 09:35

Your post just before mine where I quoted you.

You don’t care about him and your kids at all. It’s all about you.

I just can’t get past that you had an affair. You should have ended it with your husband first.

Original poster

madeofwaxlarry · 15/04/2022 09:36

@caecilius1

Has your husband's whole identity and mental health been shaken to the core? I wonder if he's alright with effectively having been your beard and father of the children you wanted? I have direct personal experience of this. It is never alright to drag along an unsuspecting person into a heterosexual marriage when you know you're not heterosexual. Nobody reasonable has a problem with homosexuality, but reasonable people do have a problem with duplicity. There is no chance you didn't know you were a lesbian before marriage. Even if this was a revelation to you during your marriage and children , what makes you think an affair is justified ?

I literally had no idea at all.

I do not think that my affair was justified. It's not ok to cheat. I shouldn't have done that, you're right.

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TweetTweetMF · 15/04/2022 09:36

How did you meet her? Was she openly gay herself?

Original poster

madeofwaxlarry · 15/04/2022 09:37

@AchillesPoirot

Your post just before mine where I quoted you.

You don’t care about him and your kids at all. It’s all about you.

I just can’t get past that you had an affair. You should have ended it with your husband first.

Yes I should have.

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TheVolturi · 15/04/2022 09:38

My dad did this to me. Abandoned us to go and be who he was 🤦‍♀️, I was 15. It's affected my whole life to be honest, what happened to me from then on.

Original poster

madeofwaxlarry · 15/04/2022 09:38

@TweetTweetMF

How did you meet her? Was she openly gay herself?

We had a shared interest/hobby that I met her through. Yes she is openly and quite obviously gay

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Original poster

madeofwaxlarry · 15/04/2022 09:42

@TheVolturi

My dad did this to me. Abandoned us to go and be who he was 🤦‍♀️, I was 15. It's affected my whole life to be honest, what happened to me from then on.

I'm so sorry

I have no intention of abandoning my children. I'm very focussed on them being ok through this. And they do seem to be fine.

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