I realised I was a lesbian at 36 and left my husband AMA

[madeofwaxlarry]

I was 36 years old, married with 2 kids, when I fell in love with a woman and my whole world turned upside down. Suddenly everything made sense and I couldn't believe I'd been so blind.

"I had an affair, messed up my husband and my kids lives, got addicted to the drama and self focus, looking for another hit so I'm on Mumsnet doing an AMA."

@twingirlboys

"I had an affair, messed up my husband and my kids lives, got addicted to the drama and self focus, looking for another hit so I'm on Mumsnet doing an AMA."

Quite, and yep all the gushing 'you're so wonderful, go you' posts are unsurprisingly here. 'No no op, you need to be happy, he has to deal with it, your children just need YOU to be happy' Strangely opposite to the thread where poster said her dh left her and there 2 kids because he'd come out and had felt like this since a teen!

@teezletangler

If you were always attracted to women as you say, why would you also think that you were just "frigid" and incapable of sexual attraction? That doesn't make sense to me at all.

How old are you- did you grow up in a very insular or oppressive community where homosexuality wasn't talked about or seen as an option? This is hard for me to imagine nowadays, but I'm sure is still a reality for some people.

It doesn't make much sense to me either. I knew I wasn't asexual. I knew I was a sexual person. I was frustrated. I considered many times seeking a sex therapist because I was just unable to access my sexual side while in bed with my husband. I never thought of it in terms of men and women, male and female, gay and straight.

I didn't grow up in an insular or oppresive community at all but no, homosexuality was not talked about or seen as an option. The words gay and lesbian were either jokes or insults.

I think quite a few people see her, and are being less than gushing.

Had an affair, lied to the people you're supposed to be closest to. Prioritised your own sexy feels over everything else and yet you want a medal, more interest, more look at me. Aye, we're looking and we're seeing.

@twingirlboys

"I had an affair, messed up my husband and my kids lives, got addicted to the drama and self focus, looking for another hit so I'm on Mumsnet doing an AMA."

Yep and I wonder if all the people saying how brave OP is would be happy to say that to men who cheat as well, with either women or men. OP isn't brave for having an affair, she's selfish.

@twingirlboys

"I had an affair, messed up my husband and my kids lives, got addicted to the drama and self focus, looking for another hit so I'm on Mumsnet doing an AMA."

This.

No one would be saying the op was fabulous if she was a bloke posting here that he’d had an affair and come out as bi or gay.

@Calandor

And that sounds really mean, and I don't want it to, we all make mistakes and god knows I've made some horrible ones... but you MARRIED someone you weren't attracted to... why?? You just decided to settle? You wanted kids? He was 'enough'?

I think it's cruel to marry someone when you don't wake up every day wanting to stare at them. Or knowing that if they'd die you'd spend months remembering how to breathe.

Did you just not know what love was?

Yeah... my exH is great.. I still stand by what I believed at the time - that I would never find a better man that I could love more. I guess I shouldn't have married him.. But then we wouldn't have our child and the lives we have now. We don't believe in regrets

People are being very unfair and judgemental arguing that the Op ‘must have known’ and was being actively deceptive through her marriage. That simply isn’t true.

It’s horrible having to make the decision to end a marriage that isn’t fundamental awful. The Op will have had to deal with the guilt of that. But sticking around once you realise there is another world out there where your feelings make sense isn’t really an option either.

Hard for your ex husband Op but hopefully he will find someone new too!

We don't believe in regrets your words or his? Sounds like what a certain TV presenter'swho must not be named wife would say (having been clearly coached to keep him the tvs darling!)

OP, please tell me more about your comment that you don't understand how all women aren't lesbians, or words to that effect. I am straight and I'm in a committed heterosexual relationship of 20+ years. I love my husband and he's my life partner, my best friend, the best person I know - he is everything to me. BUT, if anything (God forbid) happened to our relationship, I don't think I'd ever want to be with another man, although I could see myself open to having a relationship with a woman. Partly out of a sense of respect, I think, and partly because I have come to feel a bit like what you said, over the years. That perhaps woman's natural or most fitting sexual status is lesbian. That men, with their penises and their whole "alienness", are an interference, a distraction. A means of procreation, sure, necessary to the continuation of our species, but maybe not our intended life partners. Perhaps this is bullshit. Perhaps I'm bisexual? What do you think?

Lesbian here. Thanks for the AMA.

How do you feel now in the queer community -- how would you describe your relationships with lesbian women? Bisexual women? Are there groups you have joined, do you feel accepted/ rejected?

Also curious how it played out when you realised your attraction to this other woman -- did you let her know or did she approach you given you were presumably straight and in a relationship?

Do you think other posters have a point about the double standard many people hold in judging gay men who come out after hetero marriages vs gay women?

@Calandor

And that sounds really mean, and I don't want it to, we all make mistakes and god knows I've made some horrible ones... but you MARRIED someone you weren't attracted to... why?? You just decided to settle? You wanted kids? He was 'enough'?

I think it's cruel to marry someone when you don't wake up every day wanting to stare at them. Or knowing that if they'd die you'd spend months remembering how to breathe.

Did you just not know what love was?

Er I love my DH dearly and have zero doubts about the man I chose to marry but I don’t and never have (ok maybe the first few months) woken up every day wanting to stare at them nor do I think my life would be over should he, heaven forbid, die. You sound like a hopeless romantic. Many people are realists when it comes to love.

I can relate to not realising you're gay.

I have been in relationships with men where I was head over heels in love, but I did not desire them sexually.

I blamed myself. I was SA as a child, so I thought it was my fault, I was fucked up by what happened to me, I was the problem. If I could just get over it then everything would be OK. I Obsessed over particular women, but I thought I wanted to be like them, not with them. I thought my anxiety around some women was because I was intimidated, but I got that confused too.

I've been single for a couple of years, and only had this realisation about 6 months ago. I was on dating sites swiping left on 99.9% of men, and then it occurred to me, maybe I'm just not attracted to them?
I changed my search criteria to women and it was like my whole world shifted suddenly.
It sounds ridiculous and I still don't know what to do with this information, I'm too scared to tell anyone, I'm too scared to date.

Sorry for rambling, but I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this 😅

@summerinthebigcity

Lesbian here. Thanks for the AMA.

How do you feel now in the queer community -- how would you describe your relationships with lesbian women? Bisexual women? Are there groups you have joined, do you feel accepted/ rejected?

Also curious how it played out when you realised your attraction to this other woman -- did you let her know or did she approach you given you were presumably straight and in a relationship?

Do you think other posters have a point about the double standard many people hold in judging gay men who come out after hetero marriages vs gay women?

I haven't ventured much into the community. Most of the lesbians I have met and dated have their own stories of relationships with men, realising they were gay, trying to convince themselves they were straight etc. In many ways my story isn't unusual. My experiences with women have been all good.

I am hesitant to call myself a lesbian because I think a lot of people will have their opinions of whether I am really or whether I'm bi. And I didn't go through the challenges that gay kids go through. So I don't feel like I've earned the label. There are so many ifs, buts and maybes. So I keep my mouth shut in lesbian spaces.

With regard to my catalyst.. She and I had an instant spark and chemistry when we met. I'd never known any lesbians before and the way she looked at me just blew my mind. I was totally fascinated and chased after her like a proper baby gay, asking dumb questions about sexuality.

I don't know about double standards for gay men, it's not something I've been aware of. I've never paid much attention to things that men do.

@Noomgip I reckon you need to start chatting to some of the women on the dating site! Also check out the late bloomer lesbians subReddit have fun

@PrinzessinCressida
I think there's some evidence to suggest women's sexuality is quite fluid and it's quite common for women to develop stronger same sex attraction as we get older? You sound a bit like me before this all happened. And if you are like me, you won't really know (believe) until you try it.

[quote madeofwaxlarry]@PrinzessinCressida
I think there's some evidence to suggest women's sexuality is quite fluid and it's quite common for women to develop stronger same sex attraction as we get older? You sound a bit like me before this all happened. And if you are like me, you won't really know (believe) until you try it. [/quote]
Not everyone feels the need to try it. I’m not convinced it’s as common as you appear to think.

@AchillesPoirot don't worry we're not going to force you

What’s funny I don’t get it?

I don’t see a majority of women opting out of heterosexual relationships and opting to become lesbians? Not in my circle of friends and acquaintances.
Common is the norm, prevalent. It isn’t that. Not in my circle anyway.

And I really don’t like this idea that I can’t know my own mind and must be secretly gay. That’s odd to me.

How old are your kids? It must have been an utter headfuck for them

The children are still surrounded by a loving and stable family. They see me and their dad treating each other respectfully. They know that we love them and that nothing will change that. It's far from ideal but they're both taking it in their stride. I get compliments all the time on what great kids they are. We always try to put them first when we make decisions. I have a counsellor who specialises in kids and divorce who I talk to when I'm unsure.

Can I ask @madeofwaxlarry, have your dc met your girlfriend yet?

Same as someone else put, I’ve seen this go great/badly depending on how quickly the dc were introduced/living with the new partner after a split.

[quote madeofwaxlarry]@PrinzessinCressida
I think there's some evidence to suggest women's sexuality is quite fluid and it's quite common for women to develop stronger same sex attraction as we get older? You sound a bit like me before this all happened. And if you are like me, you won't really know (believe) until you try it. [/quote]
That's really interesting, thank you.

@madeofwaxlarry

The children are still surrounded by a loving and stable family. They see me and their dad treating each other respectfully. They know that we love them and that nothing will change that. It's far from ideal but they're both taking it in their stride. I get compliments all the time on what great kids they are. We always try to put them first when we make decisions. I have a counsellor who specialises in kids and divorce who I talk to when I'm unsure.

You weren’t very respectful when you had an affair, you definitely didn’t put your children first when you made that decision. Do you actually believe the bs you are sprouting? It doesn’t matter what the sex of the person, cheating is cheating.

Kids won't.
The kids life will be affected by this forever.
Some may turn to drugs or other addictions.
Watch Softwhite Underbelly on YouTube for an idea of the devastation that parents cause to their children's lives.

What an absolutely ridiculous and dangerous statement. Which part of what the OP has done will cause her children ‘devastation’? Her being a lesbian, her leaving her husband or her having an affair?

If it’s the first or the second then I am pretty certain children manage with their parents separating or entering into a relationship with someone of the same sex every single day. While it would be lovely if nobody ever split up, in reality it happens to a huge number of children. The younger one will barely remember their parents being together, they’re so young.

And if it’s the third, there is no reason for the OP’s children to know that she had an affair. It won’t achieve anything. My partner’s ex wife had an affair and as far as I’m aware his children don’t know that’s the reason they divorced. Why should they? And if they did find out at any point and then refuse to have anything to do with their mum (as a previous poster suggested) I think their dad would be very disappointed in them.

I’m not condoning your affair OP as it will have been devastating for your husband, but of course they happen. I think it’s very unfair to suggest that this will have a hugely negative impact on your children though. There’s no reason for it to be any different for them than if the two of you had separated for any other reason.