I realised I was a lesbian at 36 and left my husband AMA

[madeofwaxlarry]

I was 36 years old, married with 2 kids, when I fell in love with a woman and my whole world turned upside down. Suddenly everything made sense and I couldn't believe I'd been so blind.

[VeganGod]

OP I'm sorry you're getting a hard time. Yes, ideally you would have left your husband THEN met your new partner. But life isn't perfect. I'm glad you're happy and it sounds like you're handling the after effects well.

She had a choice. This didn’t happen to her. She chose to cheat. Life isn’t perfect, no, but we can make choices which make our decisions not feel so bad for others.

[MaryAndHerNet]

@TweetTweetMF

That's awesome. I'm happy for you OP

Obviously it's sad about your ex - but no point living a lie he'll get over it at some point!

Kids won't.
The kids life will be affected by this forever.
Some may turn to drugs or other addictions.
Watch Softwhite Underbelly on YouTube for an idea of the devastation that parents cause to their children's lives.

[madeofwaxlarry]

At no point have I tried to justify my behaviour. I'm fully aware that cheating is wrong and that I should not have done that. I take full responsibility for the hurt I've caused my XDH. Being gay doesn't make it ok, nothing does.

Interesting that someone saying that finding out their mum is gay is damaging to the children. My experience is that children are completely unfazed by it. They don't have any of the unconscious homophobia that we have

[Viostep]

What's done is done. Hopefully, your ex can move on, be happy and everything will work out.

People are just sensitive when it comes to affairs due to the sneaking around, the lies, the disrespect, the hurt, etc. Affairs can destroy a person's trust and self worth long after the relationship ends. It would have been kinder to be honest beforehand but it's done now.

[AchillesPoirot]

@1Micem0use

The lady doth protest too much AchillesPoirot. It's clearly a joke, with an element of truth. Sexuality is a spectrum, and plenty of people experience same sex attraction at some point in their lives even if they aren't gay

I don’t get it.

I’m not protesting too much. I’m straight. Why would I lie about that?

[ChickinMarango]

@madeofwaxlarry Speaking as a grown woman of nearly 33, I was 8 when my own mother had an affair with a woman and moved to America to be with her.

I chose to stay in the U.K. and visited in school holidays. She moved back to the U.K. a few years later with her partner and I moved in with them. My Mother passed away many years ago now but I can wholeheartedly say it affected me no more than a usual break up. In fact, I’m proud she got out of a relationship she was unhappy in, because of this I will never stay in a relationship that is not working.

You’re getting so much judgement on here but I think you’ve been very brave and I’m sorry it’s taken so long for you to get to where you are.

[VeganGod]

Interesting that someone saying that finding out their mum is gay is damaging to the children. My experience is that children are completely unfazed by it. They don't have any of the unconscious homophobia that we have

Being ‘fazed’ by mum being gay in these circumstances doesn’t mean it’s homophobia. My friend found it hard as she seen how that affected her father, he felt it had all been a lie and she felt she was the product of a lie. If her own mum lied and cheated, she didn’t know how she’d ever trust anyone.

[AnaMRT]

You are very brave! Hopefully everyone in this situation will find the right romantic partner and be happy. Wishing you the best.

[TweetTweetMF]

@madeofwaxlarry if children blame their fucked up decisions on their parents that's wrong. Having a gay parent doesn't push them into drugs they choose to get involved in drugs. The parents didn't go "we are gay, here's some drugs." What a bizarre way of thinking.

[Lwren]

Congrats on finding happiness!

I hope your ex finds someone soon!

What was the shared hobby? Was it love at first sight or indeed lust? Have your friends been surprised?

[AnaMRT]

How did you know you were a lesbian rather than just not sexually attracted to your husband anymore. Did you ever fancy other men? Other women?

[PinkSyCo]

Were you ever in love with your ex husband? Are you still with the woman you had an affair with? How old are your kids and have they met her?

[VeganGod]

TweetTweetMF

Our experiences in childhood do affect who we are as adults. They don’t directly push them into drugs, but we do know childhood experiences affect how people deal with things as an adult, their likelihood to suffer with depression and anxiety and their likelihood of developing addictions.

[BowerOfBramble]

How does growing up with a parent who is deeply unhappy and "living a lie" affect the kids then?

I think there's a big difference between having an affair because you're bored/fed up with partner etc, and getting into an affair when you're really not expecting it because you've never had a relationship with someone of the same sex before. I 100% believe that many people don't realise they are gay (or bisexual) until they fall in love with someone of the same sex - I know several people who this happened to after marrying and having children, sometimes even after the kids are grown up and gone. So everyone who insists the OP is "lying" about that should think again.

OP - how are you living now? have you found a female partner or are you happier alone?

[MonsterChopz]

Yeah, cheating isn't right and she should have ended her relationship first. However, everyone deserves a shot at happiness and no one should have to stay in a relationship just to please someone else.

Of course her children will be impacted, all our childhood experiences shape us in our future but I think some of the responses are a bit OTT, unkind and unfair. Seeing a parent in an unhappy relationship can be just as, if not more, damaging than knowing their parent had an affair - same sex or otherwise

[LuckySantangelo35]

@MaryAndHerNet

At some point children have to take accountability for their own decisions. Taking drugs is a decision made by one person and one person only - the person taking the drugs. Their parents cannot be blamed. Honestly sometimes on here, children and young people are absolved of literally any responsibly for themselves - it is always the parents (well in particular the mother’s) fault!

[Darhon]

I’m with a woman after decades with a man. Didn’t do anything about it until we were totally over. He cheated on me actually. But I’d know for 5 years my sexuality had shifted. I didn’t ‘find myself’ at all. I’d felt heterosexual and then I didn’t. Started seeing women, felt completely natural. Kids were impacted by break up not bothered by me being with a woman. But they were teens in a society in which fluid sexuality is more acceptable. Just adding that it’s not always as simple as ‘living a lie’. Just as the poster thought she was maybe asexual.

[MaryAndHerNet]

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@MaryAndHerNet

At some point children have to take accountability for their own decisions. Taking drugs is a decision made by one person and one person only - the person taking the drugs. Their parents cannot be blamed. Honestly sometimes on here, children and young people are absolved of literally any responsibly for themselves - it is always the parents (well in particular the mother’s) fault![/quote]
At some point parents have to take accountability for their own decisions. Their kids taking drugs is a decision made because their upbringing caused harm, depression or anxiety. The parents can and should be blamed. Honestly sometimes on here, parents of young people are absolved of literally any responsibly for the way their kids turn out - in a hell of a lot of cases it is the parents fault.

[LuckySantangelo35]

@MaryAndHerNet

Do you blame every bad decision you’ve ever
made on your parents then?!

Because according to your no one ever has to take accountability for themselves and have no autonomy, their every move is dictated by what their parents did or didn’t do.

There are millions of kids in the world who will have had parents separate. Are they all on drugs?! No!

You’re being ridiculous 😂

[VeganGod]

How does growing up with a parent who is deeply unhappy and "living a lie" affect the kids then?

That’s not good for children either, if they are aware as children or become aware that their parent was unhappy when they’re adults. There’s plenty of studies, read up if you’re interested.

But the options here were not either to have an affair or stay in a relationship that’s living a lie and doesn’t meet your needs. She could have left the relationship, got her thoughts together, concentrate on her children’s post split and then, started a new relationship.

I think there's a big difference between having an affair because you're bored/fed up with partner etc, and getting into an affair when you're really not expecting it because you've never had a relationship with someone of the same sex before. I 100% believe that many people don't realise they are gay (or bisexual) until they fall in love with someone of the same sex - I know several people who this happened to after marrying and having children, sometimes even after the kids are grown up and gone. So everyone who insists the OP is "lying" about that should think again.

I believe cheating is cheating, there’s no ‘good’ cheating. And I don’t believe there’s many people that don’t know their sexuality by the time they’re old enough to marry. I think there are reasons they don’t accept it but they know. It’s a good narrative to have out there though, for those that want to excuse their lies and the fact they’ve hurt others.

[D0lphine]

It literally never occurred to me to question my sexuality.

How is this possible though? We're similar ages and it was defo a question for me and my peers.

[stripeyflowers]

This very same happened with a member of my family. It was hard to get our heads around but now the dust has settled it's really obvious that our niece is so much happier in her new relationship.

What major difference do you find between a relationship with a man and with a woman?

Many thanks.

[VeganGod]

Seeing a parent in an unhappy relationship can be just as, if not more, damaging than knowing their parent had an affair - same sex or otherwise

Yes. But in this situation, seeing your parents split up and doing so amicably is the best option and most likely to lead to children that are happy and confident, that grow up into adults capable of healthy relationships. I don’t understand why some posters are presenting the options as an affair or remain big in an unfulfilling relationship.

[NuffSaidSam]

Having an affair is wrong.

Kids will be impacted by the breakdown of their parents marriage, having to split their time between two homes, get used to new partners and possibly step/half siblings.

BUT the suggestion that everyone who's parents are divorced are suicidal drug addicts is clearly ludicrous. Adults who take this path do often have problematic childhoods, but the problems are a lot more severe than their parents were divorced!

[BiscuitLover3678]

Really interesting post op.

Unfortunately lot of people still can’t seem to understand sexuality and that you can not realise until later in life of that it is fluid.