I realised I was a lesbian at 36 and left my husband AMA

[madeofwaxlarry]

I was 36 years old, married with 2 kids, when I fell in love with a woman and my whole world turned upside down. Suddenly everything made sense and I couldn't believe I'd been so blind.

@Candleabra

I get that thinking that being heretosexual is the default setting in society, and particularly 20 years ago, must have been hard to shake off.

But didn’t you have feelings for girls at school? How did you suppress/ignore them? I remember having crushes on boys that were so intense as a teenager. How didn’t you realise that you were a lesbian?

I can't speak for the OP, but I'm bisexual and genuinely didn't know until I was well into adulthood. The books I read and films I saw tended to show same-sex crushes as an absolutely standard part of heterosexual adolescence for girls, something they would just grow out of. I met DH in my first year at university when I was still in my teens so by the time I realised that I wasn't straight and wouldn't grow out if it, I'd met the person I was going to marry. In my case it was fine because I genuinely love and am attracted to DH, but there so much stuff about intense passionate teenage friendships, and crushes on older female teachers, and "girl crushes" in general, and boys being more into sex than girls and not being particularly good at sex etc that I can completely see how easy it might be to not realise.

@VeganGod

Seeing a parent in an unhappy relationship can be just as, if not more, damaging than knowing their parent had an affair - same sex or otherwise

Yes. But in this situation, seeing your parents split up and doing so amicably is the best option and most likely to lead to children that are happy and confident, that grow up into adults capable of healthy relationships. I don’t understand why some posters are presenting the options as an affair or remain big in an unfulfilling relationship.

@VeganGod

That's a bit unfair that you have inly quoted part of my post. As you can see, I started my post saying that she shouldn't have cheated. I said in my post

"Yeah, cheating isn't right and she should have ended her relationship first. However, everyone deserves a shot at happiness and no one should have to stay in a relationship just to please someone else."

You can't just pick and choose parts of my post to suit your argument.

Do you blame every bad decision you’ve ever made on your parents then?!

Who said every?
I said 'some'

"Some may turn to drugs or other addictions"

Which is accurate.

@MaryAndHerNet

Do you blame every bad decision you’ve ever made on your parents then?!

Who said every?
I said 'some'

"Some may turn to drugs or other addictions"

Which is accurate.

But you can say that about anything!

Some children who are taken to softplay may turn to drugs or other addictions.

Some children who grow up in Yorkshire may turn to drugs or other addictions.

Some children who refuse to eat carrots may turn to drugs or other addictions.

Some children who love carrots may turn to drugs or other addictions.

It's not BECAUSE of those things. Children don't turn to drugs or other addictions just because their parents are divorced (whether that divorce is caused by infidelity or a change/realisation in sexuality).

NuffSaidSam

There are actually studies linking separation and divorce to substance abuse and addiction.

It's not BECAUSE of those things.

I refer you too:

"Watch Softwhite Underbelly on YouTube for an idea of the devastation that parents cause to their children's lives."

A YouTube channel that interviews many different sorts of people about their lives.
Watch a few, you'll see a common theme.
Parents behaviour.
Some abusive, some abandonment, some divorce and some strings of partners etc etc etc.

Are people missing the point I clearly made?

I'll try to be clearer...

Kids lives forever affected by parents behaviours, they are.
Some turn to addictions, they do.
Watch specific YouTube channel for examples of this.

@MaryAndHerNet

You sound a bit obsessed with this YouTube documentary you keep banging on about

@VeganGod

NuffSaidSam

There are actually studies linking separation and divorce to substance abuse and addiction.

But there will be other factors too, the fact that someone has divorced parents and a drug addiction does not prove direct causality. If there was a direct causal relationship we'd see huge numbers of drug addicted, suicidal people from homes with divorce, that isn't the case is it?

@MaryAndHerNet

It's not BECAUSE of those things.

I refer you too:

"Watch Softwhite Underbelly on YouTube for an idea of the devastation that parents cause to their children's lives."

A YouTube channel that interviews many different sorts of people about their lives.
Watch a few, you'll see a common theme.
Parents behaviour.
Some abusive, some abandonment, some divorce and some strings of partners etc etc etc.

Are people missing the point I clearly made?

I'll try to be clearer...

Kids lives forever affected by parents behaviours, they are.
Some turn to addictions, they do.
Watch specific YouTube channel for examples of this.

I don't disagree that parental behaviour impacts the outcome of children's lives, of course it does.

I do disagree that simply having divorced parents will cause you to develop a drug addiction or become suicidal. The OP has simply got divorced, not abused or abandoned her children or had a string of partners or anything else. Your suggestion that her actions would cause her children serious long term problems was baseless, unkind and unhelpful.

A quick google suggests that 46% of people in a monogamous relationship cheat.
One third of marriages end in divorce.
Obviously cheating isn’t good, but the op and her ex seem to be working this out for the children - as decent parents should.

There are so many things that we as parents do that have the potential to fuck up our kids, but at the end of the day most of us do the best we can, whilst fixing mistakes that we have made.

Op I can relate to this. I didn’t realise I was a lesbian until my 40s. There was no attraction to my husband, but I didn’t recognise this at all until I had the opportunity to think about my life in context with being a lesbian.

I had had crushes on women, but put it down to some sort of girl crush type scenario.

Ex and I are separated. I’m out to 4 people, but I’m happy on my own so there seems no point in coming out unless I meet someone. There are members of my family who would be deeply upset if they knew I was a lesbian.

Anyway, it sounds like you and your ex are doing your best for the children. I wish you a happy life!

But there will be other factors too, the fact that someone has divorced parents and a drug addiction does not prove direct causality. If there was a direct causal relationship we'd see huge numbers of drug addicted, suicidal people from homes with divorce, that isn't the case is it?

Read some of them if you’re interested. Way too much to put on here but they make for interesting reading. We know quite a lot know about childhood experiences leading to issues as adults.

@VeganGod

But there will be other factors too, the fact that someone has divorced parents and a drug addiction does not prove direct causality. If there was a direct causal relationship we'd see huge numbers of drug addicted, suicidal people from homes with divorce, that isn't the case is it?

Read some of them if you’re interested. Way too much to put on here but they make for interesting reading. We know quite a lot know about childhood experiences leading to issues as adults.

Of course we do and I don't think anyone is disagreeing that childhood experiences impact adult life.

But there is not a simple, direct causal relationship between divorce and drug addiction. It doesn't exist.

OP I'm sorry your thread has been hijacked a bit, but it's important to challenge the kind of damaging misinformation some people are posting here.

But there is not a simple, direct causal relationship between divorce and drug addiction. It doesn't exist.

All studies will only show causation but there are things like this that are generally accepted. It’s socially sensitive information. People don’t like to be told they’ve done something to cause their kids or adult kids issues.

OP I'm sorry your thread has been hijacked a bit, but it's important to challenge the kind of damaging misinformation some people are posting here.

It sure is.

At the end of the day we are all human though, none of us are perfect beings who get it right all the time. We all make choices which may or may not affect those around us.
It’s very unfair to continually berate the op when it looks like she and her ex are doing their best to deal with things peacefully for the children.

Completely anecdotally of course, but the biggest screw ups I know have been from happily married parents. It doesn’t always follow that a cheating parent means certain drug addiction for the children. It also looks like some posters are equating a gay/lesbian parent with children who hate them, when IME that simply isn’t true.

Before anyone jumps on my use of screw up - the people I know use this term themselves.
Normal upbringing, no abuse, happy/normal parents. Both left home to go to uni and went spectacularly off the rails.

But you recognise that is anecdotally so...🤷🏻‍♀️

The studies are there, people can tell us of cases where mum went off with the alcoholic postman and dad turned out to be a gay porn star yet the kids went on to be happy and achieve highly, gaining a PhD from Oxford and becoming billionaires, but the studies showing the links to negative patterns of behaviour will remain. We will only see more studies over the coming years as mental health is more acknowledged and interest in this area increases.

Unfortunately lot of people still can’t seem to understand sexuality and that you can not realise until later in life of that it is fluid.

That's not what happened though. The OP was never sexually attracted to her dh at all. She had 'clues' along the way that she was attracted to women but chose to ignore them or is really really shit at self reflection. Either way she always knew she wasn't attracted to men.

I think it is so damaging because the level of deceit is so high. It's making a life and a family with someone who gave their whole selves to you when you didn't do the same in return. Even if the OP actually thought that she just didn't find anyone sexually attractive she should have left others out of it knowing that being in a relationship with someone would be a lying to them about something which is fundamentally important to us, knowing that our partners want us like we want them.

I find it hard to imagine how a decent person can do that to someone they say that they say they love. I suppose life is messy though and for some people the want to 'fit in' for themselves is so great that they don't stop and think about the damage they are doing along the way to others.

My main point is that we are human, and no amount of research and studies is going to change the fact that we have free will and will continue to make decisions that may have an effect on others, surely that’s human nature?

No one has an affair and makes a deliberate choice to hurt others, it’s often an act devoid of much thought altogether. It happens. It’s not going to stop happening because “research shows…..”.
I mean, research shows that women are happier when single and childless, yet you don’t see thousands of women deciding not to marry or have children because research says.
It’s a pointless argument.
All anyone can do is the best they can with the resources (mentally and physically) they have. Beating someone for their past choices and dragging up potential future studies is ridiculous and unfair.

Forgot name change 🙄

@Choopi have a look at comphet - compulsory heterosexuality.
Children/teens are brought up to be straight. Everything we learnt/watched/were exposed to taught us we were straight. We also have different personalities, some of us people please and live our lives to others expectations to a huge degree, often to a point of not knowing who we are ourselves.
At some point for some reason it becomes clear to us. This does not mean we’ve been dishonest or have lied, it was information that simply wasn’t available to us.

I was happily married for years. If things hadn’t gone wrong within the marriage I probably still would be. As it was for the latter, unhappy years of marriage, it slowly dawned on me why certain aspects of it were unfulfilling to me.

Beating someone for their past choices and dragging up potential future studies is ridiculous and unfair.

People's past choices tell you a lot about a person though don't they? Like if I met OP and she told me her life story she would never be a trusted friend of mine because her past choices tell me that she is incredibly deceitful and rather calculating or maybe a user would be a better term. Not just because of the affair but because she lied to her husband for years by pretending that she was attracted to him and he formed a whole life around her on that basis.
Pretending you don't form an opinion of someone based on their actions is ridiculous as is pretending that people's past actions don't influence their future.

At some point for some reason it becomes clear to us. This does not mean we’ve been dishonest or have lied, it was information that simply wasn’t available to us.

The OP had the information that she wasn't attracted to men. She said that. That is all the information she needed to not marry and have a family with a man.

It happens. It’s not going to stop happening because “research shows…..”.

No, it will not. Because most people are selfish. We’ve listened and taken action over other research, like weaning too early. But that doesn’t cause anyone much of an issue. When it would mean people not being selfish, they don’t want to know.