I realised I was a lesbian at 36 and left my husband AMA

[madeofwaxlarry]

I was 36 years old, married with 2 kids, when I fell in love with a woman and my whole world turned upside down. Suddenly everything made sense and I couldn't believe I'd been so blind.

That's awesome. I'm happy for you OP

Obviously it's sad about your ex - but no point living a lie he'll get over it at some point!

@TweetTweetMF

That's awesome. I'm happy for you OP

Obviously it's sad about your ex - but no point living a lie he'll get over it at some point!

Thank you. I hope he'll find happiness with someone that really wants him

This seems to be a popular thing lately. I know of at least 2 in my little suburb. I hope your kids and DH are ok OP.

@marvellousmaple

This seems to be a popular thing lately. I know of at least 2 in my little suburb. I hope your kids and DH are ok OP.

Pretty sure all women are gay just haven't realised

I get that thinking that being heretosexual is the default setting in society, and particularly 20 years ago, must have been hard to shake off.

But didn’t you have feelings for girls at school? How did you suppress/ignore them? I remember having crushes on boys that were so intense as a teenager. How didn’t you realise that you were a lesbian?

Blimey there is a lot of judgement and drama on this thread.

Of course the OP made some shocker mistakes, and it must be really tough on her husband and kids.. but a) there is no reason to think they won’t be OK and b) no one should have to stay in a marriage that has died for them.

I do realise a lot of the objections are that the OP had an affair, but people fuck up, and waking up to the fact you are gay is a better excuse than most.

How can you laugh about this?

A family member has been through this at a similar age. I love and support them and I think everyone should be able to live their life in the way they want. However, their behaviour has been very selfish and self absorbed at times particularly their attitude to and behaviour toward their very young children - treated like a hindrance, saying they wished they had never had them.

It's this that has been most upsetting to the family and their spouse, who is a lovely person and has been utterly devastated. My family member was definitely in denial about the emotional wreckage they had caused - in two families.

Poor guy. he deserves better.

Did you feel bad about splitting up your family for a fling?

I knew they'd all be ok.

You didn’t know this. You don’t know this. My friends mum did the same. Her father killed him self and her sister has made numerous attempts to kill her self. This was years after, they never recovered.

If you’re not happy in a relationship, leave. Take time and let everyone get used to it. Then start a relationship. Cheating ruins so many lives and so many people’s trust in others.

I have no intention of abandoning my children. I'm very focussed on them being ok through this. And they do seem to be fine.

They may choose to want nothing to do with you though. My friend and her sister moved out at 19 and 17 as soon as they had the money to do so. They’ve not spoken to their mum since.

Their mum chose to believe they were fine when they were far from it. Parents splitting. Mum being gay. It’s a lot for kids to deal with. The likelihood is you are lying to yourself if you think they’re ok.

@AchillesPoirot

How can you laugh about this?

Because it's real life and it's my life and I've been living it for long enough to see the funny side. It's painful and stressful and depressing and scary and funny and thrilling and real.

@Lalliella

Did you feel bad about splitting up your family for a fling?

Jesus christ. She didn't split her family up 'for a fling' - she realised she could no longer pretend to be heterosexual and live a lie. OP, I think you're getting some very harsh replies here. No, an affair is never ideal. But I don't think you came on here and said 'I had an affair and don't give a shit about my ex husband or kids, AMA'

I'm really glad you've discovered your true self and hope you and everyone involved can move forward as smoothly as possible.
All the best to you.

My children are showing zero signs of stress so far. My ex husband and I are committed to our children and to each other as coparents.

I think the replies you're getting are awful OP. I doubt you'd get the same response if you were talking about leaving an unhappy marriage to go to another man. But as you're a lesbian you're going to get some negative attitudes. I don't think anyone should stay with anyone they don't want to be with. It sounds like you tried to make it work with your husband but in the end you needed to be true to yourself and that's a good thing. As an aside, my mum is gay and my dad moved out when I was 17. It wasn't a huge shock and I accepted it because I love my mum, want her to be happy and I realised that everyone else's life does not revolve around me.

What is funny about it?

Not all women are lesbians. I’m not. What is funny about me saying that?

I couldn’t give two hoots that the op is a lesbian. She had an affair. I’d have told her the same if she’d had an affair with a man. And I don’t get what’s funny about stating that all women are lesbians.

I think the replies you're getting are awful OP. I doubt you'd get the same response if you were talking about leaving an unhappy marriage to go to another man. But as you're a lesbian you're going to get some negative attitudes.

No. She didn’t leave the marriage and then go to this woman, that’s the issue. If she had left the marriage and then started a relationship with a woman or man later, no one would care. It’s the cheating that is the huge thing here. And obviously for her children and partner, finding out that your partner/mother is gay adds another level of difficulty.

I actually think posters like this use being gay to minimise what they’ve done. Almost as if they just couldn’t help it, it was fate, it was justified. Bollocks. It’s cheating and that’s never right.

People have affairs for a number of reasons. Shit happens. In an ideal world people would end one relationship before they start another but you don't know someone else's life. I cheated on an ex because he was emotionally manipulative and abusive but my self esteem ensured that I felt as though I needed him. It's not always clear cut.

I don’t think you should have an affair and you’re kidding yourself saying your kids are fine and unaffected by this, they will be to some degree.

That said equally I don’t think you should have just stayed in the marriage for the sake of the kids. You only get one life, you should live it! And it wouldn’t have been fair on your husband, he deserves better, to be with someone who actually fancies him and enjoys sex with him etc.

@Furrbabymama87 nobody has a problem with her being gay and usually mumsnet is very hard on cheaters and those who have affairs, no matter the person's sex or sexuality.

I've read countless threads on here where the woman is torn apart for cheating on her boyfriend/husband instead of just leaving. If you aren't happy, you end the relationship. Don't destroy your partners trust and make an idiot of them. Its just cruel

The lady doth protest too much AchillesPoirot. It's clearly a joke, with an element of truth. Sexuality is a spectrum, and plenty of people experience same sex attraction at some point in their lives even if they aren't gay

OP I'm sorry you're getting a hard time. Yes, ideally you would have left your husband THEN met your new partner. But life isn't perfect. I'm glad you're happy and it sounds like you're handling the after effects well.