I realised I was a lesbian at 36 and left my husband AMA

[madeofwaxlarry]

I was 36 years old, married with 2 kids, when I fell in love with a woman and my whole world turned upside down. Suddenly everything made sense and I couldn't believe I'd been so blind.

Some really unpleasant, small-minded responses on this thread. Yes affairs are wrong and in an ideal world people would realise that they want something different and leave their relationship before trying it out, but real life is messy and sometimes people don't know what they want.

The posters talking about "deceit" and how the OP "must have known she was a lesbian" don't know what they're talking about. I came out as a lesbian aged 38 I didn't have to leave my marriage to do so as had already been divorced 10 years. I had had relationships with men in those years - perfectly ok men and the relationships were alright, I thought at the time, but did not set my world on fire. I never once thought I was a lesbian, though I did often wonder why I had never felt, in any relationship with any man, how I observed other people seemed to feel. I could do sex, and it was ok but never exciting. I liked the guys, but never felt I couldn't live without them. I just thought this was how I was. A bit emotionally stunted perhaps.

Then I got together with the woman I am now married to and the stars literally aligned overnight and suddenly everything fell into place. It was amazing. I suddenly understood something about myself that I had never known before. I wish I had known when I was younger. My children (from my first marriage) were totally cool with it. But when I was growing up, there was a lot of homophobia around me and I think I internalised it to the point where I would never, ever have allowed myself even to think about women sexually.

Just because you can't understand something, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. People can realise their sexuality later in life for the first time.

@Choopi

Beating someone for their past choices and dragging up potential future studies is ridiculous and unfair.

People's past choices tell you a lot about a person though don't they? Like if I met OP and she told me her life story she would never be a trusted friend of mine because her past choices tell me that she is incredibly deceitful and rather calculating or maybe a user would be a better term. Not just because of the affair but because she lied to her husband for years by pretending that she was attracted to him and he formed a whole life around her on that basis.
Pretending you don't form an opinion of someone based on their actions is ridiculous as is pretending that people's past actions don't influence their future.

And if you told me your history, based on your comment t I would conclude that I wouldn't want you in my life as you are simplistic, one dimensional, black and white and very judgemental. Leading to the probability that you are sanctimonious and self righteous

@Choopi
You think I was deceitful with my DH?
We were together for 15 years!
He knew just as much about my sexuality and discomfort and disinterest in sex as I did. It was a continuous source of tension in our relationship from the very beginning. What exactly do you think I was hiding from him and lying about for 15 years?
We're on good terms now, working through this together. He doesn't feel like I deceived him.

@1Wanda1
Thank you for articulating that so well. You've described my experience perfectly

@D0lphine

It literally never occurred to me to question my sexuality.

How is this possible though? We're similar ages and it was defo a question for me and my peers.

I ask myself this question a lot and I don't know. I just never questioned it. I didn't know any lesbians and I wasn't aware of any of my peers questioning or experimenting even. When I was at school the word lesbian was a joke or an insult.

There is so much outrage at the affair here. I’ve never seen the same reaction to a straight woman having an affair. Definitely a large element of homophobia on this thread.

Are people not able to understand that when someone comes out later on life there is undoubtedly a large element of internalised homophobia and a desperation to just ‘be straight’ involved.

OP I wish you all the best in life you’ve done a very brave thing by coming out, and acknowledging the hurt you’ve cause.

@TheLoupGarou

A family member has been through this at a similar age. I love and support them and I think everyone should be able to live their life in the way they want. However, their behaviour has been very selfish and self absorbed at times particularly their attitude to and behaviour toward their very young children - treated like a hindrance, saying they wished they had never had them.

It's this that has been most upsetting to the family and their spouse, who is a lovely person and has been utterly devastated. My family member was definitely in denial about the emotional wreckage they had caused - in two families.

Yes, they prefer not to mention the kids except to say that they are fine with it. I have never known that to be the case.

@VeganGod

But there is not a simple, direct causal relationship between divorce and drug addiction. It doesn't exist.

All studies will only show causation but there are things like this that are generally accepted. It’s socially sensitive information. People don’t like to be told they’ve done something to cause their kids or adult kids issues.

No, studies of this kind cannot show causation because they cannot control other variables. That's a fact. Easily Googleable and understood by anyone with any education in research/interpreting data.

If divorce CAUSED drug addiction we would see it in much higher numbers than we do. It's clear that vast numbers of children from divorced parents don't become drug addicts.

Causation and how it can be established is very interesting and I'd strongly advise you to read up on it so you can better interpret the studies you're reading.

@VeganGod

OP I'm sorry your thread has been hijacked a bit, but it's important to challenge the kind of damaging misinformation some people are posting here.

It sure is.

Glad we can agree on something!

Why don't you post the links to these studies that show divorce leads to drug addicted children, then we can discuss them properly and it will be clear which information is/isn't false.

scholar.google.co.uk/scholar?q=divorce+effect+on+children+addiction&hl=en&as_sdt=0&as_vis=1&oi=scholart

There is so much outrage at the affair here. I’ve never seen the same reaction to a straight woman having an affair.

Oh I definitely have.

I think it matters more how the split was handled, rather than the sex of the affair partner re: the dc.

If OP rushed the dc into meeting her ‘friend’, moved in rapidly and expected the dc to adjust to her needs then that would be awful. Haven’t seen any indication that op has done that (apologies if I’ve missed some posts, it appears op name changed?)

My previous post should have said correlation hence the word ‘only’ before

All studies will only show CORRELATION but there are things like this that are generally accepted. It’s socially sensitive information. People don’t like to be told they’ve done something to cause their kids or adult kids issues

It’s not hard to find the studies by googling. There’s a lot! Bowing out now as up early tomorrow to travel. 😴

Thanks. It's not letting me download the full study, but I will try and read it tomorrow.

Given that in the abstract it talks about children 'committing sex before marriage', I'm not sure it's a completely neutral study...

@NuffSaidSam

Thanks. It's not letting me download the full study, but I will try and read it tomorrow.

Given that in the abstract it talks about children 'committing sex before marriage', I'm not sure it's a completely neutral study...

The link I posted should have clicked through to many many many studies in PDF format.

Should look like:

Yes it did, I just started with the top one.

Will have a look through tomorrow.

Really interested to see how they've been able to establish causation.

Which ones are good to start with? It's the ones that prove a causal relationship I'm most interested in.

Goodness some of the replies and judgement in this thread. OP you are handling the replies so well and in a really mature way.

Life happens. Things happen. Mistakes happen. It seems most people here would prefer someone to stay in an unhappy marriage in which they’re not true to themselves, or be perfect rational thinkers who leave their partners before an affair takes place. Come on now. Life isn’t as simple as that - it’s complex and tricky and lines get blurred and you don’t always have control. People are human.

It sounds like your husband and you are doing everything with kids in mind first and foremost and that’s great. I do also think in the long run, your husband will be happier for the decision you have made and will hopefully have a life with someone who truly wants to be with him.

I wish you all the happiness in the world and I’m glad you found your “truth”

If you were always attracted to women as you say, why would you also think that you were just "frigid" and incapable of sexual attraction? That doesn't make sense to me at all.

How old are you- did you grow up in a very insular or oppressive community where homosexuality wasn't talked about or seen as an option? This is hard for me to imagine nowadays, but I'm sure is still a reality for some people.

I sort of get this. I have a lesbian friend who was married and had a son.
She was very young when she divorced, however, and her ex-husband came out as gay the same time she came out as lesbian.
It was weird, but only because I’m straight I think.
I hope you have a happy life. People can be cruel and narrow-minded - I’m sorry about that.

Im bisexual so I find this bizarre. Did you marry without being head over heels in love? I would never tie my life to someone if I didn't, mind, body and soul adore them.

It seems so... empty and cruel.

And that sounds really mean, and I don't want it to, we all make mistakes and god knows I've made some horrible ones... but you MARRIED someone you weren't attracted to... why?? You just decided to settle? You wanted kids? He was 'enough'?

I think it's cruel to marry someone when you don't wake up every day wanting to stare at them. Or knowing that if they'd die you'd spend months remembering how to breathe.

Did you just not know what love was?

@Candleabra

I get that thinking that being heretosexual is the default setting in society, and particularly 20 years ago, must have been hard to shake off.

But didn’t you have feelings for girls at school? How did you suppress/ignore them? I remember having crushes on boys that were so intense as a teenager. How didn’t you realise that you were a lesbian?

I ask myself this all the time and I don't know the answer... Yes I had crushes on girls but I suppressed them... It felt dirty and wrong... I also had crushes on boys which I exagerated to myself... Having a boyfriend was a status symbol, we idolised the boys we hung out with and competed for their attention. I wanted validation. I think I was obsessed about what other people might think of me and completely unconscious to my own wants and needs. I was intimidated by girls and terrified of them and found it easier to get along with the boys. I was comfortable dating boys/men even though I never fell in love with them or understood what all the fuss was about sex.

@AnaMRT

How did you know you were a lesbian rather than just not sexually attracted to your husband anymore. Did you ever fancy other men? Other women?

My feelings for my husband haven't changed. It took falling for and having sex with a woman for me to realise that my feelings for him had always been completely inadequate. Yes, I fancied men, or maybe I convinced myself that I did? But I didn't fantasise about them. And when it came to sex I never actually wanted them. I never experienced sexual desire for a male partner or sexual passion. Yes, I fancied women, I would think about them while having sex with men and feel guilty and dirty for objectifying them and internalising the male gaze (my amateur feminist logic).