My husband is trans ftm AMA

[WhatOnFuckingEarth]

That’s about it. My husband is a heterosexual trans man and I’m a heterosexual cisgendered woman. We have two kids conceived via IVF (aged 2.5 months and 2 years). He is 5 years on testosterone and 8 years post double mastectomy, 3 years post phalloplasty, 2 years post final genital surgery.

I'm GC and while people obviously can't literally change sex, I have no problem accepting OP's DH as a man and their relationship as heterosexual. Thank you for sharing OP, it's very generous of you to satisfy our curiosity on a very personal subject.

Gargh! That was for @cuntryclub

I am working my way through the idea of gaslighting...

opps...excuse quote in post below.

Thank you for this thread OP. Very informative. You sound very happy and sensible, and a huge well done for not rising to the bait of some of the posters on here.

I came to MN a few years ago looking to discuss and explore the whole trans and GC question, not knowing where I stood on it. I was leaning towards GC. The attitudes I encountered by a good handful of others were so vindictive, poisonous and came from a position of such obvious privilege, I found it impossible to have any kind of meaningful discussion.

Yes basically @ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings. McConnell wanted no mother on the bc. Every child in the Uk has a mother listed on their bc. Quite a few don't have a father!

I don't know how exactly to word my question so I hope I don't offend you, but having previously had lesbian relationships would your husband agree that sexuality is more fluid and can change over time or that he has always been straight because obviously he identifies as a man?

@HolyForkinShirt

Could someone please explain to me the problem with using CIS WOMEN as a phrase?

For me

Because I find it hypocritical that those that are demanding that that they are referred to by their preferred identities are choosing what they can call me and what I choose to be referred as.

I am not nor have I ever been CIS anything.

Can I ask, does the lack of sexual pleasure make your partner sad? Is it something they miss, or does the transition make up for the loss?

[quote Mummyoflittledragon]@Ohfudgeit
Again - we are not a subset of women. We are women. There is no need for cis. Cis is a patriarchal term used by TRA’s to oppress us whilst simultaneously informing us we have “cis” privilege. A privilege, which they say makes us far less vulnerable than trans women, who are apparently the most vulnerable people on the planet. Trans women use cis to erase us. “Welcome to your erasure”.[/quote]
@Mummyoflittledragon But isn't CIS just used as a way to differentiate between those born women and those who have transitioned? Why don't you feel that 'cis' women have some privileges trans women don't? If someone refers to someone else as a 'disabled woman' and they themselves are an 'able bodied' woman does that mean that person is trying to wipe out the other?

I've never heard a trans woman say they are the most vulnerable people on the planet or that they are trying to erase women- have you got links to any evidence where transwomen are making these claims?
It would surely be very hard for transwomen to erase women because trans women make up such a tiny percentage of the female population nationally and globally? How are they going to wipe us out? When will the wipe out happen?

I think it would be great if someone could start a 'I'm GC- AMA' thread, cos the more of some people's responses I read the more I don't fully understand the concerns people seem to have with the trans community.

@AudaCityLimits
That’s not happening here for the most part thank goodness. And did it not occur to you that perhaps the women were vindictive and poisonous because they came from a position of fear rather than privilege? Women are not privileged. Or are you now saying you subscribe to the cis privilege doctrine?

Are you ok with the fact that some people will believe you're in a homosexual relationship with a transman? I would have the decency to refer to you as "him and her" but my decency doesn't override my underlying beliefs. It's absolutely not my place to tell you what your relationship should be labelled as, but do you accept that I can respect your label, but not believe its accurate?

That's not meant to be a personal attack or in anyway rude. You sound like you're in a very happy relationship and I wish you both the best 💐

OP do you find it a bit pervy that so many people jump straight to asking (repeatedly despite you having already answered), about your husbands genitals, sexual ability, sexual gratification and aggressive questions as to your sexuality?

@Oliversmumsarmy

Could someone please explain to me the problem with using CIS WOMEN as a phrase

Because women means adult human females. But in the trans community the term women describes adult human males who want to be known as women and those that described themselves as women (the adult human females) are no longer women but a subset of women.

Question I would like to know is what made your partner think they were male in the first place?
I have a very typical masculine job and am more interested in power tools and hammers than pink lipstick and handbags and always have been yet didn’t think it was something I should change my gender. Not that it crossed my mind to.

Indeed.

Transwomen are women, but (non trans) women are ciswomen.

"But isn't CIS just used as a way to differentiate between those born women and those who have transitioned?"

Isn't that what the word trans is for?

I don't have a question OP, for thank you for your openness and honesty. I wish you, your husband and children a very happy life

@Bluepolkadots42
No CIS is NOT just a way to differentiate natal females / males. It is politically charged. Cross post btw. Did you have a look at the responses to JK Rowling on Twitter for example? Full of these sort of responses whilst simultaneously threatening to rape, punch and kill her.

As for erasing women, that’s exactly what TRA’s are attempting to do. Women only areas are quickly becoming mixed sex with male only areas often remaining male only.

But isn't CIS just used as a way to differentiate between those born women and those who have transitioned? That's the point. Women are women. Transwomen are a subset of men. Defining women using transwomen as a starting point is daft... like explaining daffodils using snails as a your baseline!

Why don't you feel that 'cis' women have some privileges trans women don't? Which rights to transwomen lack?

If someone refers to someone else as a 'disabled woman' and they themselves are an 'able bodied' woman does that mean that person is trying to wipe out the other? You need to have a read round if you think anyone will give that more than a milliseconds thought. Quick answer: disabled women (and black women too) are women. Transwomen are not!

I've never heard a trans woman say they are the most vulnerable people on the planet or that they are trying to erase women- have you got links to any evidence where transwomen are making these claims? Let's all say ot together shall we - try twitter, try Stonewall, try the various "Break It Down for m ehreads" here.

It would surely be very hard for transwomen to erase women because trans women make up such a tiny percentage of the female population nationally and globally? How are they going to wipe us out? When will the wipe out happen? Start with legislation. Maybe look at how many owmens crimes were committed by men! Think about how including the male body in female statistics will skew those numbers.

I think it would be great if someone could start a 'I'm GC- AMA' thread, cos the more of some people's responses I read the more I don't fully understand the concerns people seem to have with the trans community. A THREAD!!!!! A SINGLE BLOODY THERAD!!!???!!!

There's a whole forum of it! Lots of information.

But you know that! The rather trite assertion that no woman here knws anything about trans individuals shows that very plainly!

OP do you find the microaggressions on this post upsetting/frustrating, such as not using gender specific pronouns, instead referring to your DH as they or theirs, and people referring to your DH as your “partner” in attempt not to use gendered language despite you having said that you’re married?

@differentnameforthis
*You may be happy to live in a world which is attempting to gaslight us all into thinking that it is possible for humans to change their sex, but I am not. It is harmful to the children who are being transitioned without them being able to even understand fully what it means to have puberty blockers and operations, let alone consent in a fully informed way!

I have no qualms at all with op, she & her partner are not hurting anyone and she is answering as honestly as she can. But I will not be gaslighted into thinking she is in a hetero relationship with a female who has changed sex. Her partner identifies as the male gender, they are not the male sex. This is an important difference.*

Who specifically is trying to gaslight you? Your post is touching on a number of things- none tbh which I find relevant to the OP's post. I really feel there's so much fear and almost a type of paranoia often displayed in the comments of people who identify as 'GC'. Things are being taken from you or forced on you, but I just don't see what these things are?
It seems to me that you feel and fear you are being swindled and/or brainwashed in some way? If you don't want to agree or believe in certain things then that's fine- who is forcing you to? Society hasn't yet fully descended into the realms of 1984 and thought police just yet.

@Ineverdidmind

I find the notion that you consider yourselves to be in a heterosexual relationship incredibly sad. You are both female, one of you has altered their body to create the illusion of heterosexuality but ultimately you are both female. To not be able to own that is so sad, is our society really so homophobic that you don't feel that you can be honest about your sexualities? Its feels very offensive to me I'm afraid, though I know its not intended that way.

She's having sex with a person who has facial hair and a penis. She isn't attracted to women. She is heterosexual a

@Ohfudgeit

I didn't know that cis was not allowed on MN? That's a bizarre choice if that is what HQ have decided. It's usually used in discussions around trans, to specify exactly what's what. It's not generally used outside of that.

Not at all. This is a site predominantly for women. Gender critical women find being called cis as offensive as ops dh would at being called she. Rude and demeaning.

*Nobody can change sex from female to male. A person can take hormones/have surgery to make their body resemble that of their preferred sex more closely, but they cannot actually change from female to male (or vice versa).

The OP's partner has changed their gender presentation, not their sex.*

Just to chime in here, I agree somewhat. Language is important. OPs husband is a man, his gender is man, he is he/him/his and a husband and father. His sex is female, meaning that medically he might need other tests than males (like maybe for ovarian cancer which can still happen after ovaries are removed). There is a difference between man and (biologically) male.

OP, i used to work with a transman and had no idea he was born female till someone told me five or six years later. It wasn't a secret, he transitioned during the same job but it just never came up (and why would it). I understand how you can totally view someone as a man when you meet them. I never couldn't view him as a woman in my head even when I tried.

Did you see pictures of him as a child? Can you see him as a little girl in these pictures or does his gender already shine through there?

This is a very interesting thread thank you OP.

How was your DH's recovery post genital surgery? I have A MTF friend who found the months after the procedure very painful and difficult to adjust to.

Are you in the UK ? How was his surgery and other treatments funded ?