My husband is trans ftm AMA

[WhatOnFuckingEarth]

That’s about it. My husband is a heterosexual trans man and I’m a heterosexual cisgendered woman. We have two kids conceived via IVF (aged 2.5 months and 2 years). He is 5 years on testosterone and 8 years post double mastectomy, 3 years post phalloplasty, 2 years post final genital surgery.

clymene oh so freddy lost because he was the biological mother, but if another woman had given birth instead of him he could have been recognised as the father on the bc instead? I didn't realise that.

...and to all the “you’re in a lesbian relationship” type people on here... the OP said “AMA” NOT “pick holes in my loving relationship”.

I think OP is trying to make people more understanding - good for her!

What aspects of JK Rowling's position are you and your husband uncomfortable with?

It seems that clearly your husband has gender dysphoria - do you/he consider that to be a mental health condition (managed by transition)?

Do you think that it is possible that there were also elements of the privilege that men get that was a factor in his desire to transition from presenting as female?

Who takes on the majority of the mental load?

I would not have thought so. It sounds as though he is a post op transsexual with a functioning penis.

That's doesn't exclude also being autoandrophile?

@NotNowPlzz

I do not believe humans can change sex. However given the obvious gender dysphoria and the huge amount of surgery and the fact that OPs DH is DOING NO HARM TO ANYONE it is cruel, nasty and just generally poor taste to bleat on about him being a woman, lesbianism etc. Prior to this thread I thought mumsnets reputation as transphobic was unfair and GC views were being conflated with transphobia. Now I'm not so sure.

Yes- that's exactly what I think. Bleating on about 'it isn't possible to change sex' blah blah blah- I see so much of it on MN and it's baffling to me as to why these people feel the need to continue to bang on about it. I wonder how/whether it genuinely impacts their day to day life if someone born male now identifies and lives as female or vice versa? Some people on this thread need to change the record- this isn't a debate about whether or not people can or can't change their sex, it's a thread for people to ask questions of the OP about her and her husband's experiences.

I find the notion that you consider yourselves to be in a heterosexual relationship incredibly sad.
You are both female, one of you has altered their body to create the illusion of heterosexuality but ultimately you are both female. To not be able to own that is so sad, is our society really so homophobic that you don't feel that you can be honest about your sexualities? Its feels very offensive to me I'm afraid, though I know its not intended that way.

[quote CarrotCakeCrumbs]@BunningAndStrave but the parents who raised the child are the 'real' parents - unless you are also against adoption? I am genuinely confused as to why the people who chose to have the IVF and create the child shouldn't be on the birth certificate, as they are the ones who are committing to raising that child - the sperm donor on the other hand has no expectation to know anything about the procedure. Indeed many probably wouldn't even donate in the first place if they could be traced.[/quote]
Because they aren't the biological parents. There should be a different certificate for these instances with two boxes under mother/father.

There could be medical history reasons and just family tree reasons, but the information is important.

I have another question - does your husband feel distressed or excluded by eg leaflets that refer to women needing cervical smears, since he is a man that needs smears?

ETA: I'm asking the above in respect of issues such as female-specific health checks such as the above mentioned cervical cancer check (though of course that's assuming they still have a cervix)

I’m so confused by the original post, I had to read it 5 times to work it all out. How can you be heterosexual if you got with a woman with woman’s bits? I got even more confused that you’d had children, I guess sperm donor ivf and you gave birth Much of the answers you seek are in the OP!

But, maybe I can help a little. I have a transman friend, known him for about 30 years. She was she, lesbian and vaguely unhappy at that point. Long term girlfriend was supportive but also a bit dismissive at times. First came the counselling, the mastectomy, the testosterone, more counselling, the legal documentation, the 'bottom surgery' etc. Somehwere in the middle there the lesbian girlfriend called time and left and there was a formal change of identity at work - one email form the boss "A is now B. We wish B well and expect that all staff will respect his choices. If there are any question please come to my office for a chat". There was hardly any kerfuffle, some people were surprised, others not so much. Life went on.

About a decade later he married my boss, a heterosexual woman with 2 kids. She knew him from a time just before his final surgery, so was aware of his/her status at that time. Neither of them see themselves as gay. He gets his sexual pleasure, as OP says her DH does, via a gender dysphoric kick!

It is ony odd when you look at it fro a disinterested perspective... it seems natural and right when you are personally involved.

Which is the very basis of the TRA agitation and the reason so many women don't see the GC perspective at all!

OP, have you/ your husband encountered much discrimination (outside of mumsnet) and what did it/does it look like?

@ILikeGinAndCake

I’m so confused by the original post, I had to read it 5 times to work it all out. How can you be heterosexual if you got with a woman with woman’s bits? I got even more confused that you’d had children, I guess sperm donor ivf and you gave birth. All very confusing, hopefully your kids won’t be as confused. Wouldn’t be something I’d want to bring children into but good luck to you both.

If the children are loved and cared for, that is all that matters.

Ops clearly loving and happy relationship is offensive to you?

Do you often make everything about yourself?

@Clymene

I agree, this topic is often discussed in a completely different manner. I was referring to the posters who’ve come on the thread not to ask questions but to just tell the OP where she’s wrong. The OP and her DH have made their choices and are living their lives, making decisions that are allowed in law.

@Ohfudgeit

The basic premise being that they've changed from female to male!!

I know you can change from woman to man but female to male? What happens to all the extra x chromosomes?

To not be able to own that is so sad, is our society really so homophobic that you don't feel that you can be honest about your sexualities? You are ignoring the gender dysphoria of one of them and the presumably open and accepting attitude of the other. If a couple can live with the cognitive dissonance of their relationship that's up to them!

My head is perfectly fine, I’m just not familiar with this sort of thing so trying to work out who is biologically male or female, straight or gay and how a baby came about... it is confusing if this isn’t something you have ever come across. Isn’t that the point of AMA it’s usually people who have something or do something that isn’t generally the norm/socially acceptable, otherwise why bother? “I am married and have 2 kids ask me anything” ... well no you and half of mumsnet do!

I find this hiding of lesbian sexuality very very upsetting and offensive. Don't be daft! That sort of exclusion is the flip side of TRA actions.

Prior to TRA agitation not many would have been upset or offended.

What has changed is not the many trans individuals and their families but the political bludgeon that has been constructed!

@Ineverdidmind

In fact I won't be coming back to this thread. I find this hiding of lesbian sexuality very very upsetting and offensive.

This literally one couple and how they identify/describe their own relationship. It's no reflection on anyone's view of lesbian relationships at all. Why would you be offended by one persons way to identify? It's taking nothing away from lesbians at all.

@mylittlesandwich

OP I think you're very brave to post this here. Mumsnet is often not very welcoming to trans people. How does your DHs family feel about his transition? Does he have decent friends that he's known on "both sides" as it were?

@Bluepolkadots42 - Yes- that's exactly what I think. Bleating on about 'it isn't possible to change sex' blah blah blah- I see so much of it on MN and it's baffling to me as to why these people feel the need to continue to bang on about it.

You may be happy to live in a world which is attempting to gaslight us all into thinking that it is possible for humans to change their sex, but I am not. It is harmful to the children who are being transitioned without them being able to even understand fully what it means to have puberty blockers and operations, let alone consent in a fully informed way!

I have no qualms at all with op, she & her partner are not hurting anyone and she is answering as honestly as she can. But I will not be gaslighted into thinking she is in a hetero relationship with a female who has changed sex. Her partner identifies as the male gender, they are not the male sex. This is an important difference.

Ooh! That was much better put!

ILikeGinAndCake the ops posts have been perfectly clear. You just wanted to get a dig in about her husband and children.

OP, thank you for the thread, its very interesting.

I feel so sad for your partner, having gone through such awful distress with their perception of their body and multiple surgeries and now having lost or given up all sexual sensation. But happy for your both that you have such a loving relationship.

Do you ever wonder that they really got their penis to have proper penetrative sex and that this was mainly for you and not them? When deciding on the surgery, was loss of sensation a risk or a certainty? If I was trans, for me I'm not sure having a penis made would be worth such a massive sacrifice. And if I were in a relationship with someone who was transitioning, then I'd still prefer a vagina that gives them pleasure over a penis that doesn't. And I'm straight. Just musing I suppose.

I hope you manage to heal the rift with your mum and she tries to be more accepting. For your children's sakes really. And congrats on the new baby too.

Could someone please explain to me the problem with using CIS WOMEN as a phrase

Because women means adult human females. But in the trans community the term women describes adult human males who want to be known as women and those that described themselves as women (the adult human females) are no longer women but a subset of women.

Question I would like to know is what made your partner think they were male in the first place?
I have a very typical masculine job and am more interested in power tools and hammers than pink lipstick and handbags and always have been yet didn’t think it was something I should change my gender. Not that it crossed my mind to.