I'm God. AMA

[RealGod]

Trying to be hip with the kids and the internet seems to be the main form of communication these days, beats carving shit into stone tombs anyday.

AMA.

Got about an hour before I gotta get back to work, got my main man Jegudiel manning the post right now.

Do you think you've done a good job with Jesus? He's like an overgrown teenager and he's what 2018? Mary and Joseph only had him for 33 years, they did an alright job from what I can see, you take him back and he's a stroppy little oik. Do you think you should have read 'French children don't throw food'? ( Or do they?)

I do have a billion other children to deal with. Jesus has Rockstar syndrome.

I'm considering calling Dr Phil in about it all.

Or maybe Jo Frost.

Hi God, we had a poster up of you at school

You know the whole Mary was a virgin thing? I mean, was she really? Or did you, you know, come together and decide not to tell anyone because basically you’re God and it would all just have been a bit complicated?

Also, did you pay child maintenance? I hope for your sake you did, you know how MN feels about absent fathers who don’t pay.

I think it's coming up to 7 billion now. Feckless fathers, cant even remember how many kids they have

I'm thinking of publishing something in regards to Jesus' younger years/teens

Great idea Lord. Young Jesus, the trouble at heavenly high school. A graphic novel true story. You could get Leonardo da Vinci to do the artwork.

How many people can a chicken feed?

Who do you love more, the Christians, Jews or the Muslims?

Badger would you like me to sign a decorative plate? I have hundreds of the bloody things

Mary was a virgin, not that it matters. I wasn't the one to put all that importance on virginity.

Now that she's in heaven she has a massive crib and her own masseuse. She's happy.

Kindly explain the concept of Original Sin.
Marks will be given for coherence, clarity and correct spelling.

Fuzzy. It depends on how big it's frying pan is.

Well well well,

Aren't we pushing family rules here a little?

I thought no discussion of private lives was the rule!

Or was there a chat at another family wedding that you all forgot to invite me to because of "seating plans" and "venue restrictions"?

It's an eternal infinity and we float!

Overgrown teenager?!

I tried to help you, you ungrateful little oiks! He doesn't even want you to know about The Event - yes, that's what you'll call it (the ones who survive). And I was going to stop it but you know what, no. Forget it. They're all yours, dad.

I'm going to Gabe's house. At least his parents are cool.

What was the heck was up with that no mixing of two different kinds of material in clothes? Because that seems both annoyingly hard to stick to, and oddly pointless. Disclaimer: Am not a deity, happy to be corrected. Please do not smite me

Original sin is a concept adopted to try and keep you greedy feckers out of my garden. Stop eating my apples, strawberries and papayas.

It's basically a glorified reward chart.

You start off with sad faces because Adam and Eve couldn't keep their hands to themselves and you earn your smiley faces as you go through life.

Simples.

I never knew you were so witty, why doesn’t that come across in church? Our father who art in heaven and all that crap, how would you like us to go about worshipping you or can we not worship you and just get on with our lives?

I thought you were coming to mine tonight?

You and your guy friends, it's always the guy friends.

"I'm having a picnic in the park tonight with that delicious bread you love and lots of two million year old Bordeaux, no you can't come, it's boys night."

That one worked out well, didn't it?

I CAN'T EVEN. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?

DA-AAAD

Oh shit
Mary, love, how are you? It's been a while.

That was a complete oversight. Would you like to come over this Tuesday? We're having a BBQ for the England V Columbia match.

Jesus Christ. Can we PLEASE not do this in public.

If the daily mail gets hold of this we will never hear the end of it.

Why have you made delicious foods like chocolate and cake so fattening and bad for us while healthy low calorie foods are spinach and mushrooms?
Also my dd wants to know: Periods, why????

Daisy.

Be kind. Treat people as you wish to be treated. Love thy neighbour. All that stuff. Just try to be happy. Give to the poor, if you can. Smile at a stranger. Take the time to talk to someone who may not have had a conversation in a while

Enjoy life

You don't need to be in a church to talk to me. Pop by and say hi whenever you like.

Blimey No wonder Jesus is so screwed up- you're seeing his wife behind his back!

See this is why i prefer the big fighty, blonde leather clad gods (well not the only reason..) like Thor and Odin....none of this sulking, bickering and stropping off, just 'I'm poking your eye out and hanging you upside from a tree, now fuck off'

Sugar. You'll have to talk to the agricultural department on why it's so calorific.

Maybe it's a lesson in control?

I've been known to gorge on a whole cheesecake myself but then again I don't even have a permanent form so I can get away with it.

Oh, I love my FIL:)

I'd love to come over! I have a new angel-uber app I've been waiting to try, perfect opportunity.

We can have a giggle about me being called a hooker in the bible again, I really took one for the team there!