Why did you leave your ok enough marriage?

(189 Posts)
Passingships Wed 06-Oct-21 15:54:52

For people in ok enough marriages where there was no abuse or cheating, why did you leave? Unhappy and I expected more from marriage and life but is it bad enough to leave I don’t know.

OP’s posts: |
Jaguarshoes Wed 06-Oct-21 16:31:45

I’m in the same boat. Married to a wonderful man but we are more like friends, we have drifted apart, I don’t think deep down he is what I need. I am really starting to dislike sex and intimacy with him. We have 3 children and I could drag this out for a long time yet but the thought of being together for the rest of my life fills me with dread. Is it better to split the family now while the children are young and we are in our early forties than in ten years from now (if we make it that far)?

Peace43 Wed 06-Oct-21 16:47:08

Because it wasn't ok enough. I felt trapped, miserable and angry a lot. I couldn't stand for him to touch me. I was resentful. All those things didn't make me a nice person and coloured even the activities I did when he wasn't there. I wasn't the best mum, friend, sister, daughter, me I could be because I was basically unhappy.
It was a few pretty small straws that finally broke the camels back but the camel had been struggling for a loooong time.

I am happier - lots, lots happier now. My DD (aged 10) is also happier now the dust has settled (she was very unhappy for 6 months but perked up quickly after that and we are now 3 years on from the split). Her Dad is not happier but he was NEVER EVER happy anyway, which was the problem. He is as unhappy as he ever was but now I do not have to deal with it. I am back to being the fun, vibrant me that I recognise. My DD has a great role model. I have a new much healthier (not live in) relationship. My boundaries are firm and our house is filled with joy (there was no joy left when I split with ex).

SlamLikeAGuitar Wed 06-Oct-21 16:48:45

I’ve found myself in pretty much the exact same boat as @Jaguarshoes sad
There’s been no major, relationship altering event, no abuse etc….but our relationship is just “meh”. We are basically living as friends. There’s no fire. The sex has never been bad - I could quite easily just “scratch the itch” with DH, but that feels like I’m using him, so I just don’t.
He seems blissfully unaware of my general unhappiness and dissatisfaction with our relationship. Almost like he’s just happy to potter along and I don’t know what to do. We also have 3 young DCs.

firsttimeclock Wed 06-Oct-21 17:05:18

I was in this relationship for years. I used to preemptively listen to break up songs waiting for the day when something bad enough to break us up would come along. There was no good reason for us to split but we were just friends who shared opposite sides of a bed.

Anyway he cheated and that was a good enough reason to go our separate ways. In some ways I was relieved he'd given us both an "out" that was valid.

I think everything is different when you've got kids. I'm not sure if maybe I'd settle for ok now I have them?

But if you're brave enough to risk "ok" for "amazing" then why not?

minniemouseshouses Wed 06-Oct-21 17:09:59

I left because there was no intimacy for about 6 years. Neither of us had the guts to address it. Really drifted apart, emotionally, physically. Spent very little time together. Was still really tough letting go, believe it or not. So so much happier now. Wish I did it years ago. No children though, so I know I’m in a different position. Best of luck to you and remember, it’s your life and you deserve happiness, not just survival.

Jaguarshoes Wed 06-Oct-21 18:23:02

@SlamLikeAGuitar same! He seems completely unaware and what’s worse, he is besotted with me and happy to potter around the house whereas I’m finding more and more reasons to get out of the house. We’ve been together 14 years, married 10 and been through some quite traumatic life events. I feel like I’ve not really had a chance to stop and think about anything with so much going on, and the kids coming in close succession also. Finally now things are calming down and I’m left thinking I am not sure this is what I want. I know everyone who knows us think we’re the golden couple and have a very harmonious relationship. I really don’t like having sec with him anymore, though. This is my main problem, I think. I’m not sure I can get those feelings back.

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Crikeyalmighty Wed 06-Oct-21 18:31:32

I haven’t left yet but it will be the not wanting sex or anything physical at all (from My side) that will be the final nail in the coffin-

SlamLikeAGuitar Wed 06-Oct-21 18:33:21

@Jaguarshoes your situation sounds like a completely perfect mirror image of mine sad and I cannot fathom for the life of me, what to do about it.

MayEye Wed 06-Oct-21 18:33:45

*Because it wasn't ok enough. I felt trapped, miserable and angry a lot. I couldn't stand for him to touch me. I was resentful. All those things didn't make me a nice person and coloured even the activities I did when he wasn't there. I wasn't the best mum, friend, sister, daughter, me I could be because I was basically unhappy.
It was a few pretty small straws that finally broke the camels back but the camel had been struggling for a loooong time*

Exactly the same , death by a thousand cuts sad

Jaguarshoes Wed 06-Oct-21 21:35:12

@SlamLikeAGuitar me neither! I’ve started seeing a therapist to try and iron out what I want and feel. I’m not sure it’s that helpful if I’m honest. If it wasn’t for the DC I’d have done something about it but I don’t know if I could go through with breaking up the family for this? Then again, the thought of just the two of us here once they’ve all flown the nest fills me with dread. I can’t help but think I should just change my mindset about him but I’ve tried and tried!

snugglebum20 Wed 06-Oct-21 22:17:50

I feel totally the same. 19 years together, 15 married. He would be devastated if I left. He games and watch TV. That's all he really does when not working. I can't bear that shit. I'm not intetested in telling him either or him changing. I'm done and would be long gone by now if not for the dc. He has no idea how unhappy I am. I long for my own house and to be free of the ring on my finger, which feels like a ball and chain

snugglebum20 Wed 06-Oct-21 22:27:06

Also to add - I feel terribly guilty. Because I don't want to be with my H, we have to sell the house and all move. Neither of us can afford the house without the other. How fucking selfish of me

SlamLikeAGuitar Thu 07-Oct-21 09:22:06

@Jaguarshoes I’ve been in therapy for 6 months, and I still feel like I’m going round in circles with so many unanswered questions too.
I feel like destroying my family when the only problem is me, is the most selfish thing I could possibly do, and I’m terrified that my DCs would hate me for it sad But my therapist keeps telling me over and over that my happiness matters too - and I know she’s right, but it also feels beyond wrong to prioritise myself potentially to the detriment of my DCs, and I simply cannot do that to them.

Jaguarshoes Thu 07-Oct-21 10:28:14

Oh dear, 6 months and no closer to a resolution? I’ve actually thought about getting some hypnotherapy to see if I can get closer to what I really feel and want, the therapy seems so slow going. I just don’t know how I’d ever broach the subject with my H. Couples therapy perhaps? It does feel like once we start that, it will be the beginning of the end. All I can think of is my DCs too. My partner, on paper, is perfect in every way. So why can’t I just be happy? How do you even know if you’d be happier without the family? A separation will be traumatic for everyone, and you don’t even know if you’d be better off the other side.

snugglebum20 Thu 07-Oct-21 11:02:19

@Jaguarshoes I just don’t know how I’d ever broach the subject with my H. Couples therapy perhaps? It does feel like once we start that, it will be the beginning of the end. All I can think of is my DCs too. My partner, on paper, is perfect in every way. So why can’t I just be happy? How do you even know if you’d be happier without the family? A separation will be traumatic for everyone, and you don’t even know if you’d be better off the other side.

/\/\/\ totally this. Its been going around and around in my head for years. But, the short of it is that I do not want sex with my H. I don't want him to touch me or kiss me,. I'm a breaking point as I just don't know how to approach it with him, We have a holiday booked for next month. I cant tell him before that as he has been planning this holiday for the last 2 years and we would lose the cost of it. Then its xmas, I cant ruin his xmas, then he has booked a family holiday for April next year but I cant not let that go ahead as the DC would be devastated. I worry that if we split I will be home alone. Bored. alone and on my own a hell of a lot. But then again, H is in the house every eve atm and we do separate things anyways. I don't even see him until he comes to bed. I don't arrange anything social with him, I do things with friends and family. . But then again, atm I can get out to the gym in the eves while he is there for the DC or go out with friends. All that would change and I would need to pay a sitter or people come o me.

I wish I had the answer for us and every one else in the same boat. x

Jaguarshoes Thu 07-Oct-21 11:10:48

Yes the babysitter thing has crossed my mind, too, but that’s no reason to stay in an unhappy marriage! You’d have child free days when they’d be with their dad, and they grow up so fast anyway that eventually you will be able to leave them home alone. I really don’t want to uproot the children but I’ve no way of keeping the house, I don’t think. That’s another major reason why I’m stuck in status quo. I also do not want my partner to touch me. He knows sex isn’t great but I think he thinks that’s our ONLY problem and that if only my sex drive could be fixed, everything would be fine. The trouble is, I know there’s nothing wrong with my sex drive.

snugglebum20 Thu 07-Oct-21 11:48:15

I'm exactly the same in that I don't want to uproot the children but neither of us can afford to keep the house without the other. H said to me earlier this year that he thinks I am going to leave soon (cant remember the exact words but it implied I am going to leave the house). Under no circumstances am I going to leave the house or leave without my children. My H is very childish and I know if I told him before xmas then he would ruin xmas for the DC (and my parents who are coming to us).

I just want to be separated from H and the whole thing to be amicable. It will be far from that, due to him.

The other issue I have is that neither of us will leave the house and we dont have a spare room. I'm not sleeping on the sofa or a blow up bed and I know he wont either, So what happens with the sleeping arrangements ?? its all such a headache

19Bears Thu 07-Oct-21 12:12:47

I'm exactly the same as all of you here. Nothing more than friends for 10 years now, and tbh not even that. I don't really like him and we do everything separately, which suits me. But here I am plodding on 'for the kids.'

I too am resentful, angry and sad - none of which is the real me. I dislike who I am with him, and instantly transform to myself when he's not around. It's like he drains the life out of me. But nothing massive has happened, it's all a build up of small things, and I feel as if I am waiting and waiting and waiting for him to do something really wrong so I can use that to tell him to leave.

I've also been seeing counsellor for about 4 months, and a different one prior to that for about a year. I don't feel any further forward. Saying that, I have told him how I feel, that I don't want us to ever have a physical relationship as I don't feel anything like that for him, but he seems to accept this and is prepared to carry on as we are. I hate the evenings, just finding things to do with the kids (obviously that's a nice thing, I don't hate that) but a lot of the time I randomly stand in the kitchen as he is stretched out on the sofa watching endless politics. Last night he was chuckling away at Bozo at the tory party bloody conference. I could have lamped him. This is not what I want from my life. And that's exactly what I'd love to have the guts to say to his face. Why can't I do it? Probably because it isn't 'bad enough.' We've just had a nice weekend away all four of us, and he made a bit of an effort with the kids, and I could see they appreciated that. But making a bit of an effort a couple of times a year isn't good enough.

I am so bloody unhappy. But more so at the thought of uprooting the kids. If I could stay in the house, make sure he found somewhere decent to live where the kids would be ok staying, I'd do it. But I worry that I'm going to make things so much worse, because of something I want and nobody else does. This goes round and round in my head constantly. And all it does it take more and more time. I dread the thought of Christmas looming. I don't want to waste another year of my life.

How the hell do you do it??? sad x

Dillydollydingdong Thu 07-Oct-21 12:21:29

Look 19bears you don't have to wait until he does something bad and you can use that as an excuse to dump him. Just do it. No one has to be the bad guy. I was with my Ex for 16 years but I was bored, fed up, felt that life was passing me by. No hugs, cuddles, kisses, sex, jokes, fun. Life's too short. I found someone else. Hands up, I'm the bad guy! Ex was devastated but 18 months later he's moved on as well. I've told him the house can be sold when we're both ready. We're still friends, probably because I didn't try to make him take the blame.

snugglebum20 Thu 07-Oct-21 12:45:41

@19Bears I completely understand wanting something huge to happen. I am totally the same.

@Dillydollydingdong re the excuse. To me that is the emphasis of this thread i.e. how do you split when everything is ok on paper, type of thing. Having an excuse would make it SO much more easier to leave. Can I ask how separation worked for you in terms of the house etc. Did one of you move out? I think its easier for the bloke to move out as the mum then stays at the house with the kids until the house is sold/an agreement reached. However, if it's the women who has instigated the split then it's harder to ask the bloke to move out. If you stayed on the house together but separated, then what did you do about sleeping arrangements ?

I am sh*t scared of my Hs reaction to splitting up. He will act like a child. I am fully expecting him to walk out the house and go and get totally drunk. He will then want a huge row when he comes home, drunk. It will be horrendous.

SlamLikeAGuitar Thu 07-Oct-21 13:10:33

@snugglebum20 that feeling is all to familiar for me too.
I’ve found myself wishing for all kinds of scenarios - even that he’d go out and shag someone else, because I feel like that would be easier to end a marriage over sad

snugglebum20 Thu 07-Oct-21 13:18:24

@SlamLikeAGuitar - I even thought about paying for a honey trap ! just someone to massively come onto H in the pub and someone else to take a few pics, arms around each other type of thing. I dream of that. I occasionally go through Hs phone when he is asleep, just to try to find anything I could use as the excuse., When we first met he was chatting online to women, it was all very suggestive., If only I had acted then. If bloody only. TBH his behaviours have been horrific in years gone by and i have wasted all those opportunities. But I cant now say '6 years ago you did x y z' . Of course he remembers none of it,

SlamLikeAGuitar Thu 07-Oct-21 13:26:34

@snugglebum20 We’ve had none of that. Probably the only thing I can fault him on is that he’s struggled with home/life balance for our entire relationship. The job has always come first on the priority list and he’s definitely tried to find that balance more recently. Other than that, he’s one of those people who’s just “perfect on paper”. So I feel like the feelings I’m having aren’t remotely valid because I can hear everyone from the outside yelling “what more could you want?!” - and that makes me feel like the most selfish person in the world. I know he loves me. He tells me all the time that I’m all he’s ever wanted. And I feel like a complete fraud sad

Jaguarshoes Thu 07-Oct-21 13:35:30

Yep I can totally identify with that @SlamLikeAGuitar - what more could I want, I’m even asking myself this. To feel alive again, I suppose. But also, he is such a great man and really deserves to be with someone who adores him.

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