Why did you leave your ok enough marriage?

[Passingships]

For people in ok enough marriages where there was no abuse or cheating, why did you leave? Unhappy and I expected more from marriage and life but is it bad enough to leave I don’t know.

[Holothane]

He’s back smoking again I don’t care anymore he can do as he pleases.

[Holothane]

I’ve told “in-laws are not going without at Christmas” I don’t care about us he wants nice cigars and whiskey well he can have them if I have my way it will be the last Christmas.

[IknowwhatIneed]

This thread is like reading my life. Nice home, financially secure, 2 younger kids and a marriage that I’m finally admitting isn’t working for me. Totally lacking in connection and intimacy, we’re like siblings - we work around each other most of the time, little in the way of conversation never mind sex. I’m coming to the place where I think we need to separate, I’m working it all out in my head and feeling like the bitch from hell at the same time. We’ve been married for 30 years and while the thought of being on my own is scary, and I really don’t want to hurt him it also feels freeing to think about not being married any more.

I don’t know if I’ll have the courage to go through with it, I’m very good at pushing things down but I can see myself looking for closeness in all the wrong places, which is hurting friendships and leaving me feeling even more isolated and lonely. I don’t think being alone will be a bed of roses but it can’t be more lonely than I am now? I feel my confidence slipping away and I’m losing myself to resentment and anger, it would be a relief to just have myself and the kids to sort out. Anyway, I’m standing in solidarity whatever decisions people make.

[19Bears]

@freeatlast2021 How did you get him to leave? If mine would just leave I would be so happy and relieved, but I keep putting it off as I imagine he will be very difficult and would expect me to go seeing as it's me who wants to separate, not him. So I just give up :(

[19Bears]

I'm with you @IknowwhatIneed I don't want to hurt him, but by sticking with it, I'm hurting myself. I too am the champion of pushing things down and getting on with it. And I am a shadow of what I used to be, cheerful, fun, silly, and now I'm resentful and angry, exactly like you. He looks at me as if to say christ what's wrong with you?? Asks why I never smile anymore. Because he drains me!!! If it was just me and the kids, I'd be back to normal. I love any time we have just the three of us. It's such a relief. But he thinks I'm randomly choosing to be miserable.

[IknowwhatIneed]

@19Bears my DH was in hospital earlier this year, very seriously ill and while I was worried for him all I could think about was how much easier life was without him to consider. I feel awful admitting that, but it’s true - I wanted him well again, and I wanted him to live somewhere else. Everything I do to make myself feel better is like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic, which is working as well as you’d expect.

[CoconutCakes]

This thread is so familiar, can I join?

I've been with my DH for 6 years and I already feel like this. He has never really been attracted to me, and when we first got together he was really arrogant and quite nasty. I stayed because (I now realise) I had extremely low self esteem (I know this is no excuse) and just wanted to be with anyone.

Now he has actually changed and wouldn't act that way, or more likely he knows I've changed and wouldn't tolerate that. But I just can't get over the fact that I've given up my life to be with a person who acted like that. He is much older and earns less, he doesn't go out ever and has no social life or hobbies.

The main thing stopping me is my children and the difficulties there, and also thinking is the grass really greener? I know it won't be. On the other hand I'm 36 and am looking at another 50 years without sex, hugs, kisses (even pecks), any affection, compliments, conversation. Seems like a long time.

[CoconutCakes]

The other day my son told me I looked beautiful (he is three), I know it's something all kids say but it made me cry with happiness because no one has ever said that to me before. I'm bloody married and no one has said that to me. I've even told my DH he should say it occasionally and I don't mind if he is lying, he said he wouldn't want to lie.

[freeatlast2021]

[quote 19Bears]@freeatlast2021 How did you get him to leave? If mine would just leave I would be so happy and relieved, but I keep putting it off as I imagine he will be very difficult and would expect me to go seeing as it's me who wants to separate, not him. So I just give up :([/quote]
The first time we had conversation where I just told him that I am having difficulties with his behavior and such, and I suggested something like, I cannot feel love for you anymore, he got really defensive, like always and said, "I will move out then". Next time we spoke he said something like, "why do I have to move if you want a divorce". But at the end I just said that I would really like to stay with the kids, and I know that he was getting to a point where he could not wait for them to move out. He is very stingy, so I figured that he would enjoy spending his money on himself only and not having to cater to kids needs and wants. Mind you we do not own a home, we rent and my "kids" are not really kids anymore. I have three and they are grown up but still live with me.

[freeatlast2021]

@CoconutCakes

The other day my son told me I looked beautiful (he is three), I know it's something all kids say but it made me cry with happiness because no one has ever said that to me before. I'm bloody married and no one has said that to me. I've even told my DH he should say it occasionally and I don't mind if he is lying, he said he wouldn't want to lie.

Yes, same here, I do not think my ex ever told me I was beautiful. Occasionally he would tell me I looked good in something but that was really rare, and he never said that I AM beautiful. Looking back I really do not think he ever loved me, not properly.

[19Bears]

One of the reasons would be that he uses Winnie the Pooh baby plastic plates for his toast or sandwiches etc. He's 53. Just ridiculous.

[19Bears]

@CoconutCakes and @freeatlast2021 that is so sad. We should not go through life with a partner who doesn't see our beauty. It's not much to ask for your partner to tell you you're beautiful is it. I remember a few years ago we were going out somewhere and my mam had come round to look after the kids. I came downstairs when I was ready, having made an effort to look as nice as possible, and my mam said oh wow you look lovely! And even the kids looked up with little smiles of appreciation. He just said grumpily, come on, we're going to be late. I could see my mam was so disappointed for me. And then when it was our 10th wedding anniversary I decided to put my wedding dress on as the kids had never seen it, came down the stairs and my littlest one said "ooo, princess mammy!" while DH hardly looked up from the telly. I think that's when I gave up.

[LaurenKelsey]

I will tell you about my “success story”. Married 24 years. I felt the same feelings I’ve read about here. It just got to the point where our marriage was like a business partnership. We managed all the family stuff well, communicated little, no real married life. He is a good man, but we weren’t good together. He was very critical and I kept all my negative thoughts bottled up. It got to the point where I didn’t want him to touch me. We split temporarily, he quickly became involved with a woman at his work so we divorced. It took me a few years to really land on my feet. I had a BF for awhile but found that I have little tolerance for cheap/needy/messy/critical/condescending men in my life. So I’ve been single for almost six years, and doubt I’ll ever want a man in my life again. The freedom to be, do, go, buy whatever I choose is wonderful.

[Coconutcakes]

It's not much to ask for your partner to tell you you're beautiful is it.

I don't know, is it? Maybe it is. It sounds arrogant to say you want that, and in reality I'm not beautiful. But on the other hand it doesn't seem that much to ask, to say "you look nice" once or twice per year. In return for a younger person to purchase a house for you, kids birthed and looked after, meals cooked, etc. I know I'd love that deal!

My husband has said that he will never say that because he doesn't care how I look. When I thought about it I realised that's actually true, but not in a nice way. Not in the sense of - I love you no matter how you look. It's in the sense of - I literally don't care how you look, as you are irrelevant to me.

[Jaguarshoes]

In my experience, when you’re in love with someone they do become beautiful in your eyes. Even if they are perhaps not conventionally beautiful. Everyone has a nice feature like the eyes, a dimple or anything. I no longer have romantic feelings for my husband but I do appreciate he is good looking and especially when he makes an effort. @Coconutcakes your husband sounds cruel.

[Holothane]

I’m the same nevervsnogg4d a kiss now I have no feelings it’s a peck on the lips

[mrmonkeyjocks]

I'm married with 2 lovely kids. We have a good life, my husband is a genuine, kind, thoughtful person. He is everything I should want and be happy with. He's not perfect, neither am I but we manage well together, albeit I carry most of the mental load and am primary care giver. I have suffered PND since the birth of my 3 year old (and possibly before that) so I worry that my unhappiness comes from that...but I just feel there should be more somehow. More romance, more fun, more want. I feel flat. I'm disinterested in sex, I don't even want to kiss him. Writing this down is the closest I've come to admitting it to myself actually.

[mrmonkeyjocks]

He would be devastated if he knew any of this too.

[IknowwhatIneed]

I hear you @mrmonkeyjocks, that’s exactly where I’m at. It’s fucking awful.

[mrmonkeyjocks]

@IknowwhatIneed

I hear you *@mrmonkeyjocks*, that’s exactly where I’m at. It’s fucking awful.

The thread has given me some solace that I'm not alone but I think writing it down has made me feel worse. I've just been trying to bury it and carry on. I think it's that stereotypical I love him but I'm not "in love" with him anymore. I'm not sure if it's possible to come back from that.

[IknowwhatIneed]

I think acknowledging does make it worse, because you can’t deny it any longer and that means either making changes or consciously deciding to go on as before with all the self deceit that involves.

[MMmomDD]

@mrmonkeyjocks

Have you had any help with PND? I had it with my second baby as well and I recognise the feelings you are describing. I have felt flat and not interested in sex for a long time. These are classical symptoms of depression, as I am sure you know.
It took me years of treatment and support from my counsellor and my friends to start feeling happier and more alive. Also - kids getting to be a littler older and less dependent on me helped.
.
It may be that your marriage is to blame for some (or all) of your feelings. But it is also very likely that you are still depressed.

[Holothane]

I’m going to leave but I know it will kill him he’s always said if anything happens to you it will kill me. But I know I can’t live like this year has been for the rest of my life, it will take time to sort out but I’m grabbing this with both hands.

[Lurcherloves]

If you feel like this what happens when you meet someone you do love? Do you leave or still can’t face the upset?