Why did you leave your ok enough marriage?

[Passingships]

For people in ok enough marriages where there was no abuse or cheating, why did you leave? Unhappy and I expected more from marriage and life but is it bad enough to leave I don’t know.

[snugglebum20]

yes @GoodnightGrandma - what if being like this is better than being alone ? I have friends who I see a lot of as H is here for the DC, a nice roof over my head, access to a reasonable amount of money, no real financial worries, a live in nanny (H !), a cleaner, ability to go out whenever I want, nice holidays, invites for nights out with couple friends (these are H's friends thou), live in a lovely quiet street with good neighbours, the house was designed (by us) for our purpose which means everything has a place and there is no clutter/junk etc we literally started again with everything after a refurb and I was ruthless with clutter/crap/junk (3 skips worth !)

Versus ..

A bloke who pays me no attention, I don't fancy or want sex with or even to kiss, I don't want to buy him little thoughtful gifts 'just because' as they aren't appreciated or wanted or by him. we have opposite views and opinions. he's a lazy gamer and there are no asks on him ever, except to help do the kids dinners and tidy the mess away after. To ask him to do more would start WW3. He sits on the sofa every night/weekend and usually rolling his dick around in his hands fondling himself (not in front of the kids though), has other dirty habits, has no clue about me/what I like after almost 20 years. Is socially awkward. I hate him when he's drunk as he's even more of an idiot. Has no clothes style, doesn't wear after shave or even own any. Has hairy balls and dick that he has never groomed and said he never will. Leaves lumps of sh*t on the inside of the toilet pan even though each loo has bleach next to it. Inconsiderate. Lazy. Doesn't make me feel special/wanted or go out of his way to do so. Never brought me flowers even though he knows I like them. Lives like a teenager, I am literally tidying after after him. Has no interest in maintaining the house/doing work to maintain, unless I sort it it wont happen. We have had a new shower installed but he has yet to chose the shower glass enclosure, so we cant use the shower. I've given up and refuse to sort it. He should be out sorting the bins (had magotts in the summer) but nope. Cleaning the windows, but nope. Putting stuff in the loft instead of walking past it all for the lasy YEAR, but nope.

[AnotherGo123]

Bloody hell @snugglebum20 are you living with my H's twin brother?

I just get so annoyed at myself that I didn't respond to the red flags and lack of effort on his part. He even insists that I go on top every time we have 2 mins of terrible sex because he can't be bothered to move. But he was like that from early on and I just put up with it.

He is currently pretending to have a stomach upset which means he is unable to do anything but I just know he's faking it....he will absolutely be gaming tonight with beers....too ill to look after the baby but apparently super noodles and video games and booze is fine. He often pretends to be unwell when we fight to get my sympathy. It's so see through and yet I say nothing

When I was a teenager I observed my mum used to just disappear and hide when my dad was being difficult and horrible. And I always used to think how awful to hide in your own house to avoid your partner. And now I do it all the time.

The problem with split custody is he's not bad enough to not see them as he wouldn't neglect or hurt them but I don't think he's good enough for me to accept them being sent to him EOW. I feel like I'm washing my hands of my poor choice and leaving my two young kids to deal with it

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

He went away for a week (to fuck someone else it turned out, but I didn't care about that) and it was the happiest week I could remember pretty much since we married.

[Holothane]

-please don’t hate me but some online were both mad about each other but I can’t leave.

[snugglebum20]

@AnotherGo123 - I can relate to the illness. Too ill to do anything at times but can still go to the pub/drink/game. Also, every ache/symptom he has is loudly verbally communicated to us all at home. As I type this he's just come down stairs shouting 'oooh my knee' not quite sure who that is for the benefit of. Must be me as I'm the only other one at home. I don't even react or flinch these days. He's no athlete, by any means and his exercise is going for a daily stroll, but apparently he has bad ham strings/knees/shoulders/arms/legs. Due to these issues he was apparently unable to bend down to bath DC when they were were little, but he could still play cricket as his convenience. Hmmm.

Urgh someone plse come and remove this man from my life.

[Frostine]

Met young , got engaged 8 weeks later on my 18th , married just over a year later . Had a baby 2 years later . We were new parents aged 21 & 23 ( seeing that wrote down makes me cringe )
Ds grew up , marriage ok but felt something missing . Husband felt like a 2nd child , I was maturing , he wasn't . I felt we were growing apart and I was losing respect for him . I became depressed , he told me he didn't want to know , started to dislike him at that stage , felt very alone . Divorced.

[Holothane]

Al of you 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️I feel your pain my online love makes me feel like nothing I’ve ever felt before I tingle just looking at his photos never had that with H) I feel trapped but what can I do? He’d never survived on his own he can’t manage finances etc.

[BreathingDeep]

Oh goodness, these are heartbreaking stories, and so many of these man deserve a swift kick up the backside!

I was in an OK marriage to a good man. We'd been together since our teenage years and I felt like I was just drifting through life. Over time, he'd just got used to me always being there and stopped looking at me, listening to me, prioritising me and after several failed attempts at fertility treatment (we already had one DC), he let me down so spectacularly that it was enough to make me realise I couldn't carry on with a half-hearted life. I wanted more. I needed more.

I left and rented a tiny house for my son and I, and other than initial wobbles, I've never looked back. I felt strong and in control, and when my son spent time with his dad, I could spend time thinking about what it was that I actually wanted out of life - I'd lost all sense of who I was and what would make me happy.

We've both remarried now and my ex and I get on famously. My marriage is genuinely incredible and I feel seen, heard, appreciated and cherished in a way I never did before. We've been together 15 years now and together, it feels like anything was possible, and we've taken huge steps towards goals that I know I never would have dared dream of before.

Leaving is terrifying I know, and there's a lot to be said about safety and security, BUT thinking of the future and knowing it doesn't excite you or make you happy can also be a terrifying prospect.

Love and luck to you all x

[Holothane]

If I 3as s8bgle I’d be getting passport and visa sorted my new love is American and makes me feel so special,

[Holothane]

I wish mine would find a bloke and go off he’s bi, as these so proud of saying. Tattoo on his hand the bi colours apparently (sigh) I’d go to my new love like a shot. No guilt then.

[Holothane]

Oh yes the illness, can go to the studio for more music crap, that’s another 100 £150 wasted. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

[Holothane]

Sorry I’m really ranting today christmas go do one we’re doing the h9me up so I’ve sacrificed everything for this he hasn’t he still smokes £60 a week must have lottery t8ckets I don’t want to win with him so Christmas apart from in-laws can do one I sim-lay can’t be bothered this year I don’t care though I do for everyone else, for me if supplies dry up it won’t bother me. He can have his bottle of whiskey it does last) while he bangs on about Jeremy his former boyfriend.

[SlamLikeAGuitar]

@Jaguarshoes it’s actually freaking me out a little how almost identical our situations are
Everything you’ve said resonates so deeply with me, I almost feel like we are married to the same man!!!

[DietCokeCoconutandLime]

So much of what everyone has said so far could be describing my life.

DH is a good man, I don't know what else I could want but I can't get away from this longing to leave him. It comes and goes in cycles, I'll want to leave him and start making plans but then cancel it all and decide I was glad I didn't, how could I ever think of leaving him. Then I'll start wanting to leave again, and round and round.

We've been together since I was 17, almost 20 years. I do still love him and I can't really put a finger on what's wrong. I think I've always felt like this to an extent, I look back over our relationship and I remember feeling sick when he proposed, thinking about running away the day before our wedding, multiple times I wanted to leave but just didn't know that I could or where I'd live.

He's been so good to me and supported me through some really awful times. He's my best friend and I wish that I could stop feeling this way and just love him like he deserves. We isn't perfect and like a previous poster said, I sometimes wish I could go back to this or that awful row that we had and leave him then, when I had an excuse to.

He's tried so hard over the last year to really change, he is offering me everything I ever wanted in life so why do I still feel like this?

[snugglebum20]

@DietCokeCoconutandLime - sending hugs. It sounds like deep down he is not fulfilling your needs. It may be that you don't know what that need is atm but you just know its a need. It can drive a person mad going around and around in your head. Asking yourself 'How can I ever leave him after all these years', talking yourself out of it, agreeing with yourself to make do and make the best of a mediocre situation, then along comes a small irritation from H and you're back to square 1 and re-planning your escape again. I think that if you are at the stage you are at, and which we are all at, with the idea going back and forth in your mind, then I really do think that leaving is the option to take. Once its gone, its gone - whatever it was, whether lust/love/attraction/respect/trust if its not then then time to leave/make plans to leave.

I feel like I am going to have a breakdown over it all with my H and wanting to leave. I don't want to split the family up, I don't want to sell the family house, I don't want years of hate/bitterness from H because I choose to separate ... but unfortunately they are the options if I can only find the balls to do it.

sending to you all xxx

[snugglebum20]

and WHEN I do leave I cannot wait for the new start. My own house decorated how I want and without compromise, go on dates, have friends over (he is socially awkward so I prefer not to invite friends over to mine), stop being a slave to the house - without him the mess will be a lot less - eventually have a boyfriend (very casual, hell no is a fella ever moving in with me again), see some of my male friends and TAKE THE SODDING RINGS OFF MY FINGERS

[Frymetothemoon]

Don't stay "for the kids". Kids know these things, they also model their relationships on those of people around them, so you're not helping them for the future.

I still wish my parents had split up

[GoodnightGrandma]

@snugglebum20

and WHEN I do leave I cannot wait for the new start. My own house decorated how I want and without compromise, go on dates, have friends over (he is socially awkward so I prefer not to invite friends over to mine), stop being a slave to the house - without him the mess will be a lot less - eventually have a boyfriend (very casual, hell no is a fella ever moving in with me again), see some of my male friends and TAKE THE SODDING RINGS OFF MY FINGERS

This is how I feel. I’ve imagined it all in my head a million times.
I will never get married again.
Unless it’s to that rock star I’ve had a crush on since I was 16 !

[GoodnightGrandma]

@DietCokeCoconutandLime

So much of what everyone has said so far could be describing my life.

DH is a good man, I don't know what else I could want but I can't get away from this longing to leave him. It comes and goes in cycles, I'll want to leave him and start making plans but then cancel it all and decide I was glad I didn't, how could I ever think of leaving him. Then I'll start wanting to leave again, and round and round.

We've been together since I was 17, almost 20 years. I do still love him and I can't really put a finger on what's wrong. I think I've always felt like this to an extent, I look back over our relationship and I remember feeling sick when he proposed, thinking about running away the day before our wedding, multiple times I wanted to leave but just didn't know that I could or where I'd live.

He's been so good to me and supported me through some really awful times. He's my best friend and I wish that I could stop feeling this way and just love him like he deserves. We isn't perfect and like a previous poster said, I sometimes wish I could go back to this or that awful row that we had and leave him then, when I had an excuse to.

He's tried so hard over the last year to really change, he is offering me everything I ever wanted in life so why do I still feel like this?

I remember my situation coming and going in circles, when we were having a better time I’d wonder what on earth I was thinking. But then it gets to the point where it doesn’t come and go, it’s permanent. That’s when you’ll really want to do something.
I’m on the edge about to jump into saying something, I can’t live like this much longer. It’s affecting me.
My advice to you all is to see a solicitor so you know what to expect. My only regret is not going sooner, as I’d have got a bigger percentage than I’m going to get now.

[hotpeppers]

AIBU to ask your separation stories? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/divorce_separation/4223111-aibu-to-ask-your-separation-stories

There are so many similar stories on this thread too. My H and I have just separated (it's been 3 weeks) after 17 years of marriage and my life already feels 'better', though there is obviously a lot still to navigate.

[19Bears]

I absolutely feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff, so ready to jump to freedom (not in the sea or anything) and i'm permanently teetering but never quite taking the leap @GoodnightGrandma I know what you mean. I feel like I build up momentum every few weeks, then completely lose it and go back to square one.
Totally with you @snugglebum20 you know that x
And yes I felt sick too @DietCokeCoconutandLime when DH proposed. I went off to the kitchen and cried. Why did I not just say no????? 😐
Lots of love to all of you. It's so bloody hard. I don't want things or money or holidays or anything, just to come home to a hug, someone who sees me for the woman I am, someone who wants me, just to feel like a normal adult x

[RightsHoardingRaptor]

Read Glennon Doyle's untamed. She did exactly this. Left a good man because it just wasn't right. They get on really really well. Her book is excellent.

[bumblingbovine49]

@19Bears

Snap *@Jaguarshoes* The day he asked me to marry him, I felt sick. I knew I was choosing someone who would never hurt me, but I felt so disappointed that this was it.... He's the most boring man I've ever met.

You really should let him out of the relationship now. He has served his purpose in your life after all and it only seems fair to tell him the truth now, - that you never loved him but at the time you felt life passing you by so settled for him

[19Bears]

@RightsHoardingRaptor spooky, my friend recommended this book to me only yesterday. She described it as life changing.

[lentilsandeggs]

I left as we had little in common - I had changed over the years and he hadn’t. It took me around three years to accept that the relationship wasn’t enough but finally I got the words out. We only have one life to live.
Traversing the divorce was tough but I’m 100% happy with my decision and my life after divorce.