Why did you leave your ok enough marriage?

[Passingships]

For people in ok enough marriages where there was no abuse or cheating, why did you leave? Unhappy and I expected more from marriage and life but is it bad enough to leave I don’t know.

@hotpeppers - can I ask how/who instigated the separation. How did the talk go. Im petrified of telling my H and the fall out of it

@snugglebum20 It sounds like deep down he is not fulfilling your needs. It may be that you don't know what that need is atm but you just know its a need. It can drive a person mad going around and around in your head. Asking yourself 'How can I ever leave him after all these years', talking yourself out of it, agreeing with yourself to make do and make the best of a mediocre situation, then along comes a small irritation from H and you're back to square 1 and re-planning your escape again.

This is exactly what I do. I feel like I am going to have a breakdown too, I think I'm literally just on the edge of it. It scares me a little, I also feel a physical fight or flight type of response in my gut sometimes, over just quite normal things I'm not in any danger, but I have this intense feeling of needing to run away. Maybe this being on the edge of a breakdown feeling is our body/mind's way of trying to get us to listen? It's so awful isn't it.

@goodnightgrandma I remember my situation coming and going in circles, when we were having a better time I’d wonder what on earth I was thinking. But then it gets to the point where it doesn’t come and go, it’s permanent.

I've noticed that my circles are changing, the wanting to stay is shorter and wanting to go are longer and more frequent. That's good advice about seeing a solicitor too, I keep trying to work up the courage to call one but it makes it all seem so final and scary.

@19bears after DH proposed, he said "wow, I didn't expect the look on your face, you could tell you were really nervous" and I can remember that moment so clearly, the dread and knowing it was wrong.

@DietCokeCoconutandLime mine said "Aw, you're emotional, don't cry" as if I was overwhelmed with happiness. I feel so shitty saying this, but I was just so disappointed. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been terrible the whole time, we've had good times, but it's never been a passionate love by any means, more just getting along and making the best of it. It has got much worse the past five years with political disagreements (which seems trivial, but it's about big issues and views in the world that we totally disagree on, and I haven't got the respect I used to have for him) and the rot has set in now. It's just time to find some happiness in my life.
I get the flight or fight thing, needing to run away, which is why I took up running!!! It really helps. I go for it and feel so much better x

[quote snugglebum20]**@DietCokeCoconutandLime* - sending hugs. It sounds like deep down he is not fulfilling your needs. It may be that you don't know what that need is atm but you just know its a need. It can drive a person mad going around and around in your head. Asking yourself 'How can I ever leave him after all these years', talking yourself out of it, agreeing with yourself to make do and make the best of a mediocre situation, then along comes a small irritation from H and you're back to square 1 and re-planning your escape again. I think that if you are at the stage you are at, and which we are all at, with the idea going back and forth in your mind, then I really do think that leaving is the option to take. Once its* gone, its gone - whatever it was, whether lust/love/attraction/respect/trust if its not then then time to leave/make plans to leave.

I feel like I am going to have a breakdown over it all with my H and wanting to leave. I don't want to split the family up, I don't want to sell the family house, I don't want years of hate/bitterness from H because I choose to separate ... but unfortunately they are the options if I can only find the balls to do it.

sending to you all xxx[/quote]
I absolutely agree with what you have written.
It IS driving me mad going round and round. Deciding to make the best of it, then that minor irritation and re-planning your escape, wishing you’d gone last time. This has been my life for about 3 years, the constant going round and round. It’s actually affecting me I think. I need to get out and have a free mind, not to be constantly questioning.
I had one point where he really pissed me off and I spoke to a solicitor. That was my golden opportunity to go, and I’d have done well out of the settlement. But you always wonder if you’re being petty, and surely this isn’t bad enough to break up over. Plus we were in lock down, so I couldn’t imagine going through a divorce at that point with all the kids at home. So I didn’t ‘push the button’ and I regret it.

[quote DietCokeCoconutandLime]**@snugglebum20 It sounds like deep down he is not fulfilling your needs. It may be that you don't know what that need is atm but you just know its a need. It can drive a person mad going around and around in your head. Asking yourself 'How can I ever leave him after all these years', talking yourself out of it, agreeing with yourself to make do and make the best of a mediocre situation, then along comes a small irritation from H and you're back to square 1 and re-planning your escape again.

This is exactly what I do. I feel like I am going to have a breakdown too, I think I'm literally just on the edge of it. It scares me a little, I also feel a physical fight or flight type of response in my gut sometimes, over just quite normal things I'm not in any danger, but I have this intense feeling of needing to run away. Maybe this being on the edge of a breakdown feeling is our body/mind's way of trying to get us to listen? It's so awful isn't it.

@goodnightgrandma I remember my situation coming and going in circles, when we were having a better time I’d wonder what on earth I was thinking. But then it gets to the point where it doesn’t come and go, it’s permanent.

I've noticed that my circles are changing, the wanting to stay is shorter and wanting to go are longer and more frequent. That's good advice about seeing a solicitor too, I keep trying to work up the courage to call one but it makes it all seem so final and scary.

@19bears after DH proposed, he said "wow, I didn't expect the look on your face, you could tell you were really nervous" and I can remember that moment so clearly, the dread and knowing it was wrong.[/quote]
It’s been about 18 months since I spoke to a solicitor, so it’s not final by any means !
She actually put my mind at ease, that I’d be financially OK.
I found it reassuring to speak to her.

Very often, in cases like this (including some posts here), the relationship isn't "ok"....there's some huge actual problem, like lack of affection, bad work/life balance, seeking other women and so on. But for some reason, women feel compelled to downplay this as not a real problem, and to think there's nothing explicitly wrong. I don't know why.

I think you should look to see if there really is an actual identifiable problem that would explain the unhappiness. It may or may not be fixable but at least you know what is actually happening.

The last time I had a ‘chat’ with my DH he said that he would change.
He hasn’t, and to be honest I don’t want him too. It’s too little too late.
If I were to identify my problem it would be resentment. A massive seething ball of resentment.

I do agree with that @DrSbaitso, that there is probably a huge problem for most of us that we either haven't quite realised or can't bring ourselves to admit. I think if I'm honest, for me it is a work/life balance issue. DH is a workaholic, all he does and talks about is work. I work full time myself but then 100% of the domestic work falls to me, our finances are very up and down, our house is a mess because of all the work stuff he has and keeps here and no DIY/house projects ever get done or finished, I feel like I spend a lot of time being really lonely and just sat waiting for him to come home.

But then I also feel so bad for thinking all this, when finances are good he's very generous, I feel guilty for thinking "bad things" about him. You read posts on here about men who game all day or go out cycling or don't give their wives any money or what have you, and I feel like I should be grateful he doesn't do those things and he's at work instead, earning money and building us a future.

@GoodnightGrandma I really get you with the going in cycles. If it keeps coming up though that you want to leave, it must mean that's what you really want, otherwise it wouldn't keep coming up. That's what I have started to realise myself. The desire to leave won't stay buried because its what we really want to do, we're just scared to action it.

@DietCokeCoconutandLime

I do agree with that *@DrSbaitso*, that there is probably a huge problem for most of us that we either haven't quite realised or can't bring ourselves to admit. I think if I'm honest, for me it is a work/life balance issue. DH is a workaholic, all he does and talks about is work. I work full time myself but then 100% of the domestic work falls to me, our finances are very up and down, our house is a mess because of all the work stuff he has and keeps here and no DIY/house projects ever get done or finished, I feel like I spend a lot of time being really lonely and just sat waiting for him to come home.

But then I also feel so bad for thinking all this, when finances are good he's very generous, I feel guilty for thinking "bad things" about him. You read posts on here about men who game all day or go out cycling or don't give their wives any money or what have you, and I feel like I should be grateful he doesn't do those things and he's at work instead, earning money and building us a future.

If he's unavailable, absent and leaving all shitwork to you desire you also working FT, does it make a huge difference why? You say finances are up and down, so how much are you really benefiting from this?

There are very few jobs that really require that level of absenteeism.

s/desire/despite. Sod off, autocorrect. Also, I never mean "duck".

It ok saying your DH or DW are out there working and providing, but what about life ?
My DH worked hard and was frequently working away, he said we needed the money, but he wasn’t here with his family. You can have all the money in the world, but what for if you end up divorced.

I too have had the issue that leaving because of daily porn use behind my back, an old emotional affair (15 years ago but I found out 5 years ago) and a piss poor temper doesn’t really seem ‘enough’ to leave— we also don’t own a house and work together and he is quite a high earner so it’s not as easy as ‘just leave’ . He’s pretty good looking for his age too and I know he will be inundated with offers if I go whereas I will have to be pretty sure I am happy to be on my own.— as at 59 most guys out there aren’t a great prospect.

I do remember a kind lady on here saying she was married to a high earner, high achiever, very good looking and overall a pretty good catch- but he was a bit of a shit to her , she didn’t really love him, cared about him but that was it- and at the end of the day those other things didn’t balance out having to be round him all the time.

This thread is both depressing and oddly reassuring....at least it's not just me! But why are we putting up with this?!

I guess I'm putting up with it because I'm scared of the impact on the children - EOW with someone who won't remember to brush their hair/feed them on a reasonable schedule/generally never put them first - but will buy them piles of shit so he'll be the Disney dad who can do no wrong while I'm left trying to re-establish routines/reinforce teeth-brushing rules/do all the boring, necessary shit alone. Also because he'd be so self-righteous and foul if I ever dared divorce him. He'd poison every single fucking second we were forced to interact and that would have a massive impact on the kids

Things aren't terrible and he's not awful. But as we've grown up the gaps between us seem to have got wider and more of a problem. He's shit with money - chaotic and extravagant for the first three weeks of the month, then literally nothing left to last till next payday. He's a high earner, but we don't save and we don't get proper holidays because he blows it all on crap. I can live without fancy stuff and I'd certainly not be able to afford holidays on my own - but I could at least ensure the money lasted the month, and maybe put a little bit aside for the kids' futures. He accumulates crap and won't get rid of things, then expects help "sorting it out" - which just means moving piles of crap around, not getting rid of anything. We moved into a four bedroom house almost three years ago and have NEVER had use of the fourth bedroom because it's clogged with his shit. We wouldn't even need a fourth bedroom if it wasn't for how clogged with shite the rest of the house is! He sees all the house stuff as my job because I only work part time - although I have to do EVERYTHING - all the life admin, everything with the kids. But because he doesn't do it, he has no idea how much effort and energy that takes, therefore sees it as nothing.

I could whinge on for days, but we're just too far apart on important things. I want a nice, tidy cosy home - don't mind a bit of surface mess and kids toys, but uncluttered and manageable. I'd rather spend time together than buy expensive things. I care about the environment but he doesn't seem to understand twelve Amazon packages a week might have any impact. I want things relaxed and low-key, not fancy, expensive, elaborate, over-pressured and stressful. I mostly just want a life that feels like my own, not where I'm forced to live in someone else's bad idea.

I'm envious of those of you who say you're like friends or siblings. At least my friends see me and understand basic facets of my personality.

Because 'just' ok is not ok. I justified my decision to stay in an ok marriage for a long time with the view that ok, he was emotionally stunted but he provided for me and the kids, or at least he took them to soft play, or at least he did this or that. But it was so unequal, he viewed his 2 hours of soft play at the weekend as comparable to my 24/7 childcare all the rest of the time. I eventually realised that 'ok' wasn't what was good enough for me. I've felt like I 'settled' a lot over the years and am now putting myself first. I want to be someone's priority, I want my feelings to always be considered, and I don't want to be mother to a man-child. If I don't ever get that crazy, passionate romance again that's ok for me, if that love story stuff is only in movies or books it's fine, it's enough to be content and alone. Far better than constantly bending to please someone who isn't fussed about pleasing me.

@SpringheelJack. Ah yes, Weve got the ‘stuff’ issues too— we rent crazily expensive places because we need a lot of room for his ‘stuff’ (some of which is needed for his work in all fairness) - however he won’t compromise in living somewhere that’s a bit ‘ordinary’ to get the space either — and hence why we don’t own but have always lived in lovely cities/towns . It never used to bother me but as we’ve got older and are now too old for mortgages it really does bother me a lot more. As someone else said I feel like I’ve lived someone else’s bad idea.

tarasmalatarocks The point I nearly cracked was the fucking YEAR of bitching about the house we moved into because it wasn't grand enough and big enough. It's a fucking four bedroom house with a garden, for a family of four. It's only his accumulated crap that makes it inadequate (and it's not - it's a nice house). But it's the endless shopping for crap that means this was the best we could afford! The worst bit is he's in complete denial about those facts - and so bloody ungrateful. I feel like we're really fortunate to have a spare room and a garden. Life is good! But he could do nothing but whinge. Whilst doing nothing to change his behaviour to make something bigger a realistic option - he just keeps denying it would be unaffordable, despite having zero leftover at the end of any given month ever. That was the year that broke me. We're not in crisis anymore but I can't respect someone who thinks like that.

@SpringheelJack. We have big houses for 2 of us — all 4 beds , a couple were 5!!! 2 are totally taken over by Hs ‘stuff’ — I feel your pain.

Hoarding is a serious issue. I'm not telling anyone what to do about their relationships, but if you live with a hoarder, you do have a problem. It's not just "ok".

@SpringheelJack

This thread is both depressing and oddly reassuring....at least it's not just me! But why are we putting up with this?!

I guess I'm putting up with it because I'm scared of the impact on the children - EOW with someone who won't remember to brush their hair/feed them on a reasonable schedule/generally never put them first - but will buy them piles of shit so he'll be the Disney dad who can do no wrong while I'm left trying to re-establish routines/reinforce teeth-brushing rules/do all the boring, necessary shit alone. Also because he'd be so self-righteous and foul if I ever dared divorce him. He'd poison every single fucking second we were forced to interact and that would have a massive impact on the kids

Things aren't terrible and he's not awful. But as we've grown up the gaps between us seem to have got wider and more of a problem. He's shit with money - chaotic and extravagant for the first three weeks of the month, then literally nothing left to last till next payday. He's a high earner, but we don't save and we don't get proper holidays because he blows it all on crap. I can live without fancy stuff and I'd certainly not be able to afford holidays on my own - but I could at least ensure the money lasted the month, and maybe put a little bit aside for the kids' futures. He accumulates crap and won't get rid of things, then expects help "sorting it out" - which just means moving piles of crap around, not getting rid of anything. We moved into a four bedroom house almost three years ago and have NEVER had use of the fourth bedroom because it's clogged with his shit. We wouldn't even need a fourth bedroom if it wasn't for how clogged with shite the rest of the house is! He sees all the house stuff as my job because I only work part time - although I have to do EVERYTHING - all the life admin, everything with the kids. But because he doesn't do it, he has no idea how much effort and energy that takes, therefore sees it as nothing.

I could whinge on for days, but we're just too far apart on important things. I want a nice, tidy cosy home - don't mind a bit of surface mess and kids toys, but uncluttered and manageable. I'd rather spend time together than buy expensive things. I care about the environment but he doesn't seem to understand twelve Amazon packages a week might have any impact. I want things relaxed and low-key, not fancy, expensive, elaborate, over-pressured and stressful. I mostly just want a life that feels like my own, not where I'm forced to live in someone else's bad idea.

I'm envious of those of you who say you're like friends or siblings. At least my friends see me and understand basic facets of my personality.

I mostly just want a life that feels like my own - this exactly. I want to have my stuff and be me.

I think I need to start my own thread to get everything I need to say about how I've been feeling lately off my chest. This all seems very familiar.

Today just can’t be bothered once he started watching the Simpson’s I went in the bedroom (I hate that crap ) tonight I’ll do the same at nine, he tried asking did I remember this group that group I just thought I don’t give a fuck about your groups. I switch off most of the time now, just can’t be arsed.

@snugglebum20 our marriage deteriorated over years. We were sleeping in separate bedrooms for the last 3 years. No intimacy. The last year had him gaming in one room in the evenings while I sat in another.

I eventually suggested he think about the future of our relationship and he responded that he'd already been doing that. I knew that neither of us were happy but I hadn't realised quite how on the same page we were.

He would have worked on it a bit I think. I was past that. Too much resentment had built up. We had couples counselling a number of years ago so I didn't see the point in doing any of that again.

Now that it's happened and we're moving forward with a separation agreement I truly wish I'd done it sooner.

@tickledonions

I think I need to start my own thread to get everything I need to say about how I've been feeling lately off my chest. This all seems very familiar.

Do it. I've posted before and it has helped me a lot.

Because it wasn’t OK. And what was worst a lack of imagination or belief that an adjustment in our behaviour could be possible. Fucking hate being single but there you go.