Why did you leave your ok enough marriage?

[Passingships]

For people in ok enough marriages where there was no abuse or cheating, why did you leave? Unhappy and I expected more from marriage and life but is it bad enough to leave I don’t know.

@FrancescaContini

Please don’t “stick it out “ until the children leave home - they KNOW when their parents are unhappy, and why model an unhealthy relationship to them?

I know a counsellor who works with students in a university. She says it’s very destabilising for young people to leave home and for the parents then to separate - they question everything they thought they understood about their homes and upbringing.

The thing is it's destabilising whenever you do it.

Sometimes when you have been married for years & years there's a lot to weigh up isn't there?

Jsku

I think your post makes a lot of sense.

Life as a single parent isn’t a Dickens novel for all women in this position. It’s certainly very tough at times but it’s also very fulfilling and free of aggro.

And it's a struggle for a good many people. People like me who have literally no support in real life. Not working because they have children with SEN issues/their own mental health issues etc. It is complicated and it irritates me when it is asked 'why put up with ambivalent scenarios.'

@FrancescaContini

Life is not a Dickens novel. I agree. Neither it is a Hollywood movie where everything works out and there is happily ever after just around the corner.

The main point of my posts was that when people’s relationships enter a blah stage - or a difficult patch - it is easy to think that divorce would solve everything and would make you instantly happy. At least here on MN it’s always the mantra. If one isn’t blissfully happy with their partner - leave the partner and find another.
That approach to relationships works well when you are young and carefree.
When it’s a longer relationship involving children - I don’t think it works as well.

I will repeat again - this only applies to ‘OK, but blah’ relationships, when there is no abuse, etc issues.
And I think it specifically applies to people who are in their 40s. I think as we reach this age and still have small children and partners/jobs/households to juggle as we age and hormones start playing up - there is some natural dissatisfaction that sets in. And that doesn’t really get cured with divorce. If anything, it life actually becomes harder.

Then there are kids and inevitable fall out - that I already mentioned.

And in addition to that - dating in your 40s with small children isn’t plain sailing. If you meet a similarly aged man - they often have small kids, so there are blended family issues. If you meet an older man - then you’ll be torn between your kids needs and your new partner who is child free.

Of course you can navigate it all. I am not writing it to encourage anyone to stay. More to give some perspective on this from the other side.
Personally I am in quite fortunate, I didn’t have to move, kept the marital home, lifestyle not affected, kids are OK. But it’s hard even for me. And I can see other people around me where it’s much harder for them.

Is it easier in your 50s? I don’t know. Only you would know your financial situation and how it works. Of course - your housing needs and kids expenses would also change as kids grow up. You may meet a partner who is in the same situation. No one knows.

I am guessing it’s also a easier if you are in your 30s and your H is your one and only relationship since being a teenager. Then - I think it’s a little more clearcut. You have more of your life left in front of you, and it’s more likely that your dissatisfaction with marriage is because you picked your partner when you were way too young.

How’s everyone getting on? I’ve spoken to my husband over the last few days about how I think perhaps we are drifting apart and I’ve brought up some things that I feel resentful about, as well as the fact that the sex is not working for me at all. He’s had the worst shock of his life! It seems to have come out of nowhere and he’s so upset. I now feel absolutely awful.

Thiss is to make you feel guilty they’ll carry on for years like this. Hugs I’m just taking it day by day .

I think he is being genuine if I’m honest. I’ve never seen him cry before but he’s tearing up a lot.

@Jaguarshoes

Divorce is always there as an option. But before you decide going that way - have you considered counselling?
It seems like you H is not a bad guy and is genuinely unaware of how you feel. Who knows - maybe there is still something that can be fixed/saved?
What’s to lose by trying?

Yes we will try couples counselling. I’m just not sure where or how to find the right one.

I'm watching this thread. I'm in a similar position to many of you and also don't know what to do. It's all very sad.

It seems to have come out of nowhere
It feels like this is the nub of the problem - at least for me. He thinks everything is okay, bar me "moaning on" about certain things. I feel unseen, unheard, and unappreciated. If he even knew how I felt, or was capable of acknowledging it without his self-righteous, self-pitying, "you don't know what it's like", "what do you even do" routine we'd be halfway towards a solution. But I've been squashing it all and putting everyone else first for so long it's invisible to him. I feel completely taken for granted and he thinks it's all fine.

@Leaveitonthefloordrobe

I'm watching this thread. I'm in a similar position to many of you and also don't know what to do. It's all very sad.

We need to form a real life support group really. This is so common it's good to know we aren't alone

Please can I join this thread? My older 3 DC are teenagers and youngest is in junior school. Feel nothing for DH these days and really want him to leave but I know my younger two would be very upset. My older two have spoken to me separately of their own volition to say they would understand if I divorced him. I am very close with all DC as I have done everything for all of them over the years. He is emotionally very shut down and has issues about his family/childhood - it is impossible to get him to talk about them. He works very hard, provides a lot financially (I work p/t) which he seems to think excuses everything as he has behaved awfully in the past when they were younger. Why did I stay?! I genuinely wanted to at the time but cannot understand what I was thinking now. Of course he doesn’t see it as a problem any more as his ‘partying’ days are over and he’s now asleep on the sofa every night by 9pm. I am only 44, the DC are getting older and suddenly I can go out without making a million and one arrangements first. It’s great seeing friends and socialising properly but I need more in a relationship than I have with him. I have told him I’m unhappy, I have told him I’m resentful and furious about his behaviour during our marriage, albeit that it was a decade, 15 years ago. He doesn’t understand why this is coming up now and is happily brushing everything under the carpet as usual and discussing house renovations. I feel as if I’m going mad!

@Mumof4DC I would have written your post. Lots of inexcusable behaviours from DH during the marriage, most are historic now. Unfortunately I cant now say to him that I'm leaving because of what he did 7/8+ years ago. The moment has passed; I should have left him at the time. I too think '''Why did I stay?! I genuinely wanted to at the time but cannot understand what I was thinking now'' He claims he doesn't even remember any of the behaviours and that I'm lying when I mention it. I remember all of it, every last bit. My H is also happy sitting on the sofa although its usually gaming/mindlessly watching TV for him. My youngest (11) said to me the other day that H treats the living room like a teenagers bedroom. None of us go in there now, except H. But he doesn't ask why. H sits in the living room, alone and gaming, watching TV and eating. There are no asks/expectations of him (except to help do the DC dinners) because its only met with rolling eyes from him and asking him to do anything apparently puts too much pressure on him - evidenced by his behaviours - and he seems to think that I'm asking him to do more than I do (God forbid).

To name a few of the behaviours:

1. Shouting at me that I'm a c**t at the airport after I had to leave the agreed meeting place to take the young children to the toilet. He accused me of lying about taking them to the toilet. The whole food court turned around to look at us when he insulted me. H then screamed he wanted his passport and boarding pass and went and sat slumped on the floor. He then boarded the plane last. The children witnessed it all and asked if dad was getting on the plane.
2. Shouting at the pilot to f**k off in front of the whole plane and our DC, when the plane was severally delayed on the tarmac while we were in it. The poor pilot had only come out to apologise for the delay when we landed.
3. Many examples of extreme road rage. Thankfully most when the DC were not in the car and it was just me and H. We have been followed and blocked in by a (rightfully) angry van driver. All Hs fault by making rude hand gestures and swearing at other drivers.
4. He once spat at a cyclist as I drove past. We then parked immediately after, the cyclist rightfully approached H and I had to hold H back from fighting.
5. He once got so angry at someone driving slow in front of him at a car park that he parked as immediately as he could, threw his laptop bag on the floor then ran over the bag (and laptop in it) as he straightened the car into the parking space. He knew he was running over the laptop. He then stormed off alone (we were going into work together).
6. Life time ban from the local sports club for throwing a dart at someone. He said he was angry and throwing the dart at the bar, not the person. Months later he then saw the person who barred him and started a fight with him.
7. At a friends daughters christening (my friend, he only knew 2 people there but there were others that knew of him through me) he sat outside alone for the whole of the party bit after. Everyone could see him through a large window and he sat there, he was on crutches at the time, raising his crutches in the air and waving them around and shouting to himself. It was so embarrassing.

So sad to read all of these stories. I am in a similar situation. Married 13 years, together 17, although - and this is maybe important - we have no DC.

Came close to splitting 7 years ago when he started putting pressure on me for kids (I had always made it clear I didn't think I'd ever want any). It caused a lot of arguments and I'm ashamed to say I had an EA with a colleague that ended in kissing.

I went for therapy and threw myself into a new job and things got better, but now I feel I'm exactly where I was then, only with no big drama to have triggered it. Just lacking a spark, feel we are just good friends with common interests, and I worry that I'm very susceptible to attention from other men.

My husband was my first "proper" relationship - I was 24 when we got together but considered myself pretty mature, so not sure I can put it down to "we got together too young". He is 8 years older and a totally different personality to me, so he's content with plodding along with a quiet life.

Going to see a psychologist in a few weeks' time and I'm hoping she'll help me to get to the bottom of my dissatisfaction.

@nutellaandpeanutbutter I worry that I'm very susceptible to attention from other men

/////\ THIS.

Me too and I just cannot walk away from the attention, if I find the bloke attractive/common ground/talk is flowing etc. I almost find myself not wanting to go out for fear of getting chatted up and wanting to take it further (e.g. a date). Of course I cant, and then I feel like opportunities are passing me by.

How do you know if the spark has gone in a LTR as opposed to just being settled/ comfortable. Especially if you are still having regular sex? Or is that the difference, those in LTRs that feel they are just friends, are you not having sex anymore?

I’m genuinely wondering, I’ve been with DH 13 years and married for 10. 2 DCS and although we have regular sex, everything’s just become..samey and mundane. I’m so bored of it all and can’t put my finger on if it’s a relationship issue or my own personal issue (stuck in a crappy p/t job, doing boring everyday mum things like cooking/ school runs etc).

If the thought of the next 20 years fill you with dread then the sparks definitely gone. Position I’m in.

It fills me with dread in that I don’t want it to be this boring and mundane, but I suspect that’s more my issue, like I say crappy job/ boring everyday jobs like cooking and food shop. But I guess that’s just life and 75% of people are in same position.

It would feel nice to be looked at like I’m desirable again, I’m early 30s but where we’ve been together so long I feel like I’ve become to be seen as ‘mum’ and no longer sexy and if I feel like that at this age, it’s only gonna get worse over the next 20/30 years.

As snugglebum said attention is addictive and feel like I want it while I still can. I’ll wake up one day at 50yo and think, where has my life gone and that’s such a sad thought.

[quote Snugglebum20]**@nutellaandpeanutbutter* I worry that I'm very susceptible to attention from other men*

/////\ THIS.

Me too and I just cannot walk away from the attention, if I find the bloke attractive/common ground/talk is flowing etc. I almost find myself not wanting to go out for fear of getting chatted up and wanting to take it further (e.g. a date). Of course I cant, and then I feel like opportunities are passing me by.[/quote]
Me too! In exactly this situation with a colleague, lots of free flowing conversation, he has described me as ‘brilliant’ to other colleagues, compliments my looks genuinely, not in a creepy way. Can’t remember the last time DH behaved like that around me. Anyway I oscillate between nothing can happen and why the hell not because I’ve wasted long enough with someone who doesn’t respect me. @snugglebum20 I totally get you. Your DH sounds like he has anger issues, mine not so much that but his behaviour around other women was totally unacceptable for years plus his attitude that I would just sort out anything and everything for all the DC as he was so stressed with his very important job. Same result - sounds like neither of us like being around them very much anymore

@snugglebum20 oh yes guess what?! My DH also has selective amnesia too! It either didn’t happen or nothing is bad as I remember it being. Gaslighting twat.

That’s horrible snugglebum, I bet you hate going on holiday with him or anywhere really incase he blows up.

Oh the selective memory oh yes mines got that as well, no he wasn’t grumpy all last June July, he bloody was made my life hell. Also last January February he wanted the flooring put down in February not March moaned groaned until I gave in. Oh yes very familiar with that one.

Like many of the posters here it was a death by a million cuts for me too. My ex never hit me, yelled at me or called me names, but boy was her driving me crazy!!! Basically we are totally different people, so he was everything i disliked in others, selfish, self centered, arrogant, rude, also cheap, total lack of compassion, we could not communicate at all as he would get defensive every time I would bring up a problem and then silent treatment for days, weeks, sometimes months. When we met I was full of life, light and song, but little by little he killed all the good in me and I found myself middle-aged, grumpy old woman, with a permanent frown. I gave him a chance and offered couples therapy which he refused to go to. I started going by myself and after that, there was no going back. When I told him a little over a year later that I wanted a divorce he was shocked. He acted as he had no idea what happened. Therapy helped me tremendously. I learned there that I was indeed abused, emotionally and financially at least. I realized that I did not want to live like that anymore, I realized that he will not change and that no, I did not want to give him another chance to work it out. I gave him 26 years of my life, my best years and three children, enough is enough. No more. Just told him I do not want to be with him anymore and have not looked back since.

He has moved out three months ago and for me it felt like I can finally exhale after years of keeping my breath. Little by little I am getting relaxed in my own home. The smile is back on my face and I am learning to be happy and enjoy life again. I got my life back. Myself back.

This new law in April I think will be a godsend to many of you