Why did you leave your ok enough marriage?

[Passingships]

For people in ok enough marriages where there was no abuse or cheating, why did you leave? Unhappy and I expected more from marriage and life but is it bad enough to leave I don’t know.

[GoodnightGrandma]

The day will come when you do find it in you to say the words.
Just get your ‘ducks in a row’ in the mean time 💐

[Snugglebum20]

@Bluebird797 sending you . Im the same. A total coward. Interesting about the bipolar. I had always assumed aspergers for my H but im wondering if is more bipolar because I never know what version of H I'm going to get day to day/week to week. If he's discussing his dream holiday we're meant to be going on, then I get a great version of H. If stuff isn't going his way in general, then I get the short tempered hot headed swearing version or in social situation where he is anxious I get the version of him who choses to be as oppositional as he can and we're left treading on egg shells.

[EarthSight]

@snugglebum20

I feel totally the same. 19 years together, 15 married. He would be devastated if I left. He games and watch TV. That's all he really does when not working. I can't bear that shit. I'm not intetested in telling him either or him changing. I'm done and would be long gone by now if not for the dc. He has no idea how unhappy I am. I long for my own house and to be free of the ring on my finger, which feels like a ball and chain

@Snugglebum20 What would you rather do when he isn't working? Read? DIY? Cycling? Could it be that you feel he's just under your feet too much?

[Snugglebum20]

@EarthSight do all the every day jobs around the house that need doing. Currently : buy shelving unit for garage; empty/bun/ckear/sort/Tidy garage (a days work); take small unit top to shop to price up cost of replacement; wrap garden cushions and store away for winter; take cushion covers to cleaners, dig up flower bed and remove (2 days work); paint x 8 internal doors; try to work out where leak is coming from or at least try to look at the problem; price up /order shower enclosure so we can use the shower at least. That lot to start with but tbh now I really don't care any more. I'm beyond asking him for anything ever.

[EarthSight]

@Snugglebum20 It sounds like you are a lot more domestic than him, and a lot more aware of your external environment, whereas he's able to forget about all of that because he spends his time absorbed in other things. The undone things probably don't bother him, whereas you find satisfaction in completing tasks.

Some people are constantly finding jobs to do around their house to the point where their weekends are always busy with it and they don't sit down and relax much. They always have to be doing something and are resentful if they see their partners relaxing and not doing something useful. Are you like that? Why do the internal doors need painting? Why does the flower need digging up and removing?

Mind you, being able to use the shower is pretty basic stuff..... :/

[Holothane]

@snugglebum. I know what you mean you n4ver know from one week to the next how he’s going to be, July was horrific and then says “oh I’m not grumpy” not bloody much he made my life hell first he didn’t want to see his parents, then it was “oh we’re an afterthought” 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Today I simply do not care I let him talk I’m not interested anymore.

[whyamidoingthisamimad]

Name changed for this but I've felt like this for ages. He makes no effort. Sleeps on the settee. Will justify it as well Ds is always in our bed well he is a lot but DH will never help with his sleep routine so for an easy life it happens. DH never plans stuff for us like date nights etc. He quite often poo poos any ideas I have (why would I want to go there etc). There's no day to day affection doesn't hold hands or want to snuggle on the sofa- he likes to watch his own things. It's got no better over the years just gradually more disappointing and I have this feeling of panic that life is passing me by and this is it.
As mental as it sounds I really echo the other poster who said they want to set up a honey trap so they can legitimately throw him out. Leaving isn't an option at the moment as my little one is so small and is very sensitive but I don't know how much longer I can stay here having them life sapped out of me and no affection/sex I'm only 41

[HereticFanjo]

@merrygoround88

I am going to offer an alternative viewpoint here. Not mine but a family members.

She ended their good but not great marriage and it has backfired massively. Undoubtedly she felt there should be more in her life but leaving her marriage didn’t fix this. She is now 60, strapped for cash, passion relationship that followed is over and the husband she left has re married. She wonders what it was all for now.

I think before you pull the plug you have to ask these questions

Does my marriage limit me and if so how
Can we re ignite some intimacy or passion
Are there other areas of my life I can address - jobs , hobbies , travel that will fill a gap

Don’t leave just like that really think it through

I like this post a lot and it's kind of where I am atm. I'm figuring out whether or not things can be salvaged.

[karcheer]

I think the other thing to consider is, that the grass isn't always greener.Once the passion and excitement has gone on a new relationship most relationships become "ok"... and may be less ok than the one you left.

[BiLuminous]

@karcheer

I think the other thing to consider is, that the grass isn't always greener.Once the passion and excitement has gone on a new relationship most relationships become "ok"... and may be less ok than the one you left.

Why does there need to be another? Im 33 and divorced. I am happily single and dont see it changing. Im far happier than ive ever been in relationships

[whyamidoingthisamimad]

@karcheer

I think the other thing to consider is, that the grass isn't always greener.Once the passion and excitement has gone on a new relationship most relationships become "ok"... and may be less ok than the one you left.

True but I know many people who have been together a long time and are still affectionate and say their husband/partner is always after sex with them . My husband isn't interested and I know this is something that's never going to change

[zonkyzonky]

@BiLuminous

"Why does there need to be another? Im 33 and divorced. I am happily single and dont see it changing. Im far happier than ive ever been in relationships"

This. You're right Op BiLuminous. This perseverance on having a relationship is the society revering relationships at any cost because God forbid someone actually chooses to be single over starting a new relationship.

[Toolatebaby]

Changed username to post here.
This is how I feel right now and I feel like I'm losing every last shred of my old self. I fantasise about having my own little place, but we have a young daughter and on the outside we have a nice life. But I'm so bored and I want to leave to be free and joyful again. He's a good enough man but he's just so dull. I don't fancy him and hardly want sex and when we do it feels like I'm only doing it because I need to.
God what a mess.
The main thing for me though is money, neither of us can afford to live in separate houses on our single salaries.
My Current plan is to earn more money and get him to do the same so that one day we are in a better position to make it easier on him when I pluck up the courage to leave.
However I feel like my best years will be behind me by that point!

[karcheer]

Oh I completely agree you can be very happy, perhaps happier alone.
Being single was perhaps one of the happiest times of my life.

[HereticFanjo]

I'd be open to another relationship but not hunting for it. More likely to end up looking for a really nice FWB.

[PeriChristmas]

@Murielsfriend

I'm exactly the same as all of you here. Nothing more than friends for 10 years now, and tbh not even that. I don't really like him and we do everything separately, which suits me. But here I am plodding on 'for the kids.'

Not yet 10 years (feels like it). I can totally relate to this. I have a primary aged child with SEN and a younger child - I don't feel in the right place to cause an upheaval.

Attending therapy (about something else) but constantly discussing my relationship with my husband and how poor it is. It feels I can't make a decision that will impact so many lives (my dc), so yes, in many ways if something major happened it would almost be a relief.

Husband's porn viewing has played its part. The deceitfulness attached to this as well (secretly viewing), I just don't seem to be able to move past it (he has absolutely no remorse and called me a prude). I've realised our values are different too. Entering perimenopause seems to have heightened everything - it's like I coped before with many irritations but have less tolerance now.

I feel alone in terms of I would love some emotional support and affection (I'm trying to work on being my own cheerleader etc.) I don't have a wide circle of friends and no-one who I feel I can tell about this. Burying myself in ironing/housework and hobbies and focusing on dc...distraction I suppose (apart from dc who are my main priority and not distraction). Only males left extended family wise and not sympathetic.

In short, no abuse, support in practical and financial ways. It's not enough but it has to be (at least for now).

I'm definitely WAY less tolerant with peri, busy job, kids & elderly parents who all place demands on me.

Have started HRT thinking it might make me nicer & more patient for him/ the kids. But it's very early days (first week) so despite feeling better physically, i'm super emotional this week 😢.

[Jsku]

I can recognise glimpses myself in many of the posts on here.
I wasn’t giddily happy on my wedding day. But we were an Ok couple for a whole, before kids arrived and I stopped working. This is where our differences started to affect the relationship. And slowly but surely there was resentments and distance. But also dissatisfaction with life as it was.
It was good enough, mostly. Life was very comfortable. Kids kept me going, but eventually I felt numb.

Like some of you I used to dream he’d have an affair and leave. I imagined living on my own on the top of a mountain and it seemed blissful. I remember hugging my baby and telling her we’ll be OK on our own.
That was some years ago.
I knew I didn’t want to grow old with him but I didn’t want to be the bad guy and break my kids world while they were small. But things that set our divorce in motion happened a bit earlier and I had to file.

My exH moved out about a year ago. Prior to that it took us over a year to fight over the financials. That year was probably one of the most difficult years of my life.

Did it improve my life? Yes, for the most part. I am calmer and the constant weight that was on my shoulders has lifted. I don’t dread going home. Don’t have to negotiate (argue over) everything or walk on eggshells. Life is more peaceful.
But also more difficult in some ways. Ex was never much involved in parenting and now it’s all on me even more. Being a lone parent is not always easy, especially as I have to deal with effects of divorce and new challenges of teenage-hood.

And yes - kids don’t see us arguing which is a positive. But things did become more complicated. Negotiating logistics, challenges that arose with ex’s new relationship. Splitting life between households, gf’s kids - all of that adds additional stress points. Kids do adapt as everyone says. But there is a lot more to the story.

Looking back to it all and reading your stories I see it not as black/white. I don’t think the MN mantra - ‘if you are unhappy in any way in your marriage, leave’ - is always the answer. Especially when kids are concerned.
I do think a lot of unhappiness and dissatisfaction in marriages comes from general tiredness and relentlessness of being a parent. Adding to that a bit of unrealistic expectations of lasting romantic bliss that some people have of long term relationships. And it’s a recipe for something. If not disaster, then depression and resentment.

Of course, no one should just accept being unhappy. At least not accept it as a permanent state. But - I think people do need to first look inward and find sources of happiness that aren’t dependent on their partner. Then - I do think considering kids is important, as many on here are doing. Life is a constant balancing act. Kids are only small for a short time, and having both parents there is best for them - obviously provided that both are positive presence, no abuse, etc.

[Jaguarshoes]

Thank you for telling us your story from the other side @Jsku. What you are saying about unrealistic expectations is so true, and I’ve found myself wondering what is a reasonable expectation? Also, of course I would love to to stay for the kids sake if I could be content, but for how long? Until they are 18? What happens at that point, it is harder to start over at 50 than it is at 40 (I assume) and it also becomes much harder to get a mortgage.

[FrancescaContini]

@HereticFanjo

I'd be open to another relationship but not hunting for it. More likely to end up looking for a really nice FWB.

Single, independent but with FWB or regular male company is the way to go.

This thread is depressing…I just don’t know why people just stagger on in ambivalent or miserable relationships.

Life is not a dress rehearsal.

[Jsku]

@Jaguarshoes
I don’t know what the right answer is. I thought it was kids making it to secondary school. But seeing my kids and other friend’s kids going through similar - I think kid-teenage age may be a bit easier. By 14-15-16 they seem to start caring a lot less about the adult world and their own life/friends become much larger part of their lives. And also they are more able to understand that adult relationships can fall apart.

@FrancescaContini
Why do people staffer in ambivalent relationships? What a naive question.

Maybe because the grass is not always greener outside of that relationship?
Maybe because for many - ending such relationship would mean a significant drop on lifestyle, miserable kids that you see seeing kids only half of the time.
Thus we have a simple equation:

An ambivalent relationship Vs hardship and misery

Life is not a dress rehearsal. True.
Equally true that it’s not a Hollywood Movie where everything works out and a Prince spears to bring us happiness.

[Jsku]

@Jaguarshoes
Forgot to say. As to the financial side of the split and it’s timing. It all depends on your specific situation.
For me, specifically, splitting 10 years ago would have been worse. As while I was raising the kids, etc - Ex was building a successful career. So by the time we split we had enough for both of us to be OK.
You need to look at your specific financial situation.

I’d also not think of it as ‘starting over’. Your life doesn’t end just because you don’t have a H. Spend the time between now and then to make sure you have a life outside of your relationship. Friends, hobbies, interests, etc. Who knows - it may be that doing that may actually help you tap into some internal sources of happiness. And you may see your relationship in a different light.

[Jaguarshoes]

@Jsku thanks for the insight. I have a stimulating job, lots of friends, activities and interests to keep me going, and I do enjoy all of that. I’m not necessarily thinking I must find another partner, I was always happy on my own and the kids would obviously keep me busy. It’s just, I suppose if I was to meet someone else aged 50 it’s not the same as being single and happy go lucky without any ties as it was in my 20s. And the fact remains that it’s harder to get a mortgage in your 50s as the terms will be shorter.

[Jaguarshoes]

@Jsku thanks for the insight. I have a stimulating job, lots of friends, activities and interests to keep me going, and I do enjoy all of that. I’m not necessarily thinking I must find another partner, I was always happy on my own and the kids would obviously keep me busy. It’s just, I suppose if I was to meet someone else aged 50 it’s not the same as being single and happy go lucky without any ties as it was in my 20s. And the fact remains that it’s harder to get a mortgage in your 50s as the terms will be shorter.

[FrancescaContini]

[quote Jsku]@Jaguarshoes
I don’t know what the right answer is. I thought it was kids making it to secondary school. But seeing my kids and other friend’s kids going through similar - I think kid-teenage age may be a bit easier. By 14-15-16 they seem to start caring a lot less about the adult world and their own life/friends become much larger part of their lives. And also they are more able to understand that adult relationships can fall apart.

@FrancescaContini
Why do people staffer in ambivalent relationships? What a naive question.

Maybe because the grass is not always greener outside of that relationship?
Maybe because for many - ending such relationship would mean a significant drop on lifestyle, miserable kids that you see seeing kids only half of the time.
Thus we have a simple equation:

An ambivalent relationship Vs hardship and misery

Life is not a dress rehearsal. True.
Equally true that it’s not a Hollywood Movie where everything works out and a Prince spears to bring us happiness.[/quote]
I think you misunderstood me. I’m not talking about being rescued by a prince 🤔 quite the opposite, in fact. It’s liberating to step outside the convention of needing to be seen as part of a couple.

Hardship and misery?? Erm…no. Not at all. Life as a single parent isn’t a Dickens novel for all women in this position. It’s certainly very tough at times but it’s also very fulfilling and free of aggro.

[FrancescaContini]

Please don’t “stick it out “ until the children leave home - they KNOW when their parents are unhappy, and why model an unhealthy relationship to them?

I know a counsellor who works with students in a university. She says it’s very destabilising for young people to leave home and for the parents then to separate - they question everything they thought they understood about their homes and upbringing.