Feeling quite glum this morning. Why is it so hard to just say what I want. I feel like I'm living someone else's life atm. Opportunities are just passing me by.
I look at Right Move most days/weeks. Thinking of all the scenarios in my head about living arrangements. I flick between buying my own (much smaller) house and how much that would cost me to renting something a bit nicer than I could afford to buy and using my equity share to fund the expensive rent and buy a newer car (as current one will need replacing in the next few years).
Lockdown has pushed us more and more apart. I think being locked down in the house with him has been the final push. Before, one of us was out every night and the other at home, even if that was just me going to the gym for an hour. Almost like a game of tagg. We are slowly getting back to that stage now and are like 2 hands on a clock. We work around each other to keep the clock going, occasionally meeting at one point but only briefly.
Everything he does irritates me. Just feeling his breath on me in bed makes my skin crawl. Everything he does I find weird, things like the way he arranges the duvet in the night. He does this weird thing with his feet/legs and the duvet ends up twisted and half of it missing at the lower end of the bed. Thinking of getting my own single duvet instead. That is as far as we would be able to go in terms of sleeping separately, We have no spare room and I'm not going on the sofa or an inflatable bed.
I wish I could go to sleep and then wake up and its all done. We've separated amicably, house/living arrangements are sorted, he's paying me what he needs to each month and has the kids eow and once in the week. I cant carry on much longer, maybe a breakdown is the answer and then it will all uncontrollably come out.