Why did you leave your ok enough marriage?

[Passingships]

For people in ok enough marriages where there was no abuse or cheating, why did you leave? Unhappy and I expected more from marriage and life but is it bad enough to leave I don’t know.

[SlamLikeAGuitar]

@Jaguarshoes @snugglebum20 - that’s it isn’t it? “Feeling alive”.
I’ve asked myself the question so many times - I was so young when we got together (17 when we started seriously dating, 19 when we got married, and had 3 DCs by 25!), it’s almost as if our whole relationship was built on/clouded by sex and teenage lust. At the start, that’s all it was. We were long distance but would spend the weekends together. I’d show up on a Friday afternoon, clothes would be swiftly shed, and usually wouldn’t be donned again until Sunday afternoon when we’d go out seperate ways again before doing that all over again the following Friday. We didn’t spend all that much time together outside of the bedroom getting to know eachother as people before diving headfirst, 100 miles an hour into playing house, getting married and having babies. It’s almost like I wanted those things to happen because that’s what society had always told me were the goals to strive for…so I did them with my first serious boyfriend without a second thought. I never ever thought that 10 years down the line, I’d be questioning my entire life and every decision I’ve made.

[Jaguarshoes]

I can definitely see how you would end up marrying the wrong person aged 19. I was 27 and still feel like I was such a baby to make those kinds of decisions, really. Having come out of a series of relationships where I was badly treated, he was the safe option. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. The trouble is, now I’m so utterly bored.

[19Bears]

I think I did the same, @SlamLikeAGuitar I had just finished a LTR with someone who couldn't have kids, then someone came along who could, would never hurt me, I had things in common with, and I found a house I loved.....I think that might have swung it for me. We bought it, had two kids, got married, all the life goals, and now I realise I settled. I think maybe he did too, coming out of a broken engagement. It's frightening how you can drift into something and then get so very stuck x

[19Bears]

Snap @Jaguarshoes The day he asked me to marry him, I felt sick. I knew I was choosing someone who would never hurt me, but I felt so disappointed that this was it.... He's the most boring man I've ever met.

[Jaguarshoes]

@19Bears that just made me laugh out loud! The most boring man you ever met! I think that IS grounds for divorce 😅🙈

[snugglebum20]

OMG I can totally relate to all of these posts. I settled. He was the first to come along after a violent relationship. I dived in head first. My mum even said to me before the wedding that if I want to cancel then its fine and she didn't care about the money she was losing (£1k deposit on the reception). I just got swept along with it all. I DEEPLY DEEPLY regret it. We have nothing in common, our morals/standards/expectations/dreams are literally the opposite. I've changed as a person from when I first met him. He has never matured. I'm bored, lonely, fed up, trapped. He is like a teenager in so many respects and I don't want to be married to a gamer anymore.

Sending you all hugs x

[RaisedByPangolins]

For me, my XH was happy enough just bumbling along as we were, but he was getting lots of time to himself and not having anything asked of him outside of going to work. When I tried to change things and we went for marriage counselling, the counsellor told him he had no empathy and was potentially autistic. He looked into it and decided that the description fitted him to a tee (it does) and so whenever I asked anything of him after that he would say that eg me asking him to spend time with the DC made him feel angry so he wouldn’t be doing it. He was happy working every weekend and late evenings, as it meant he never had to do any childcare. And I realised that my future was pretty bleak and lonely.

I instigated divorce and shortly after we split I met someone much more affectionate and more on my wavelength. Have been with him for 10 years now. It’s not all roses but I’m 100% happier now than I was with XH. Life’s too short to stick it out indefinitely when you’re not feeling loved and cherished.

[merrygoround88]

I am going to offer an alternative viewpoint here. Not mine but a family members.

She ended their good but not great marriage and it has backfired massively. Undoubtedly she felt there should be more in her life but leaving her marriage didn’t fix this. She is now 60, strapped for cash, passion relationship that followed is over and the husband she left has re married. She wonders what it was all for now.

I think before you pull the plug you have to ask these questions

Does my marriage limit me and if so how
Can we re ignite some intimacy or passion
Are there other areas of my life I can address - jobs , hobbies , travel that will fill a gap

Don’t leave just like that really think it through

[ACNHMAMA]

@merrygoround88

I am going to offer an alternative viewpoint here. Not mine but a family members.

She ended their good but not great marriage and it has backfired massively. Undoubtedly she felt there should be more in her life but leaving her marriage didn’t fix this. She is now 60, strapped for cash, passion relationship that followed is over and the husband she left has re married. She wonders what it was all for now.

I think before you pull the plug you have to ask these questions

Does my marriage limit me and if so how
Can we re ignite some intimacy or passion
Are there other areas of my life I can address - jobs , hobbies , travel that will fill a gap

Don’t leave just like that really think it through

I think to be frank some PP probably shouldn't have got married in the first place. I think this is the problem in so many relationships, people settle. So it's not really fair to stick it out.

Then people change too. I definitely changed after I had DC and not for the better TBH.

Although I do agree that sometimes people think their relationship is the problem, when really it's not. I know I hated my DH at a time when I also actually hated myself, my mental health was so low. Our relationship has come out of the other side and I'm glad we worked on it and through it. But that isn't for everyone TBH.

[AnotherGo123]

I am so bloody unhappy. But more so at the thought of uprooting the kids

Someone said that above and it is basically in in a nutshell isn't it? I'm so unhappy but when I imagine what is going to happen when i utter the word 'I want a divorce' - it seems even worse.

People on mumsnet constantly say 'ah the kids will be ok and better for them to have happy mum' etc but I promise - my kids are v. small, they love their dad, they love us being together, our home, and I am happy when I'm with them and all is good. They do not know how miserable I am. Why would they? My DH hasn't seemed to notice and my kids are 1 and 3 and anyway I am actually happy when I'm with them.

There is no way those kids want to spend every weekend in a different house with my DH who will be even more miserable, distant and self-pitying than ever and talk about how much he adores them while staring at his phone for the whole time.

I don't want to be apart from them. I don't want them to have to be apart from me.

There is no solution. I am seeing a therapist for the first time today. I can't keep on like this. my DH is draining the life out of me.

[19Bears]

@AnotherGo123 this is exactly it. My two hardly want to spend time with their dad in this house, never mind another house that will be entirely with him and without me. I hate to think I am sending them away to stay for a night or a weekend somewhere that isn't their home and to have to have so much time with their dad. He's not a monster or anything, but they cling to me and don't ever ask their dad to play or do things with them, it's always me. I agree it's very hard to find a solution. Therefore we stick with what we've got, hiding out on Mumsnet, pretending to iron...... It's soul destroying. But saying those words "I want a divorce," I just can't get them out of my mouth. It feels so final and impossible to say. Sending love to everyone here

[GoodnightGrandma]

I just want to jump in and say me too.
We’re in separate beds, haven’t had sex for about 18 months, and it was 12 months before that one bonk.
Don’t kiss or hold hands, in fact I feel anxious when we’re in the house alone.
I think I’m older than you all, last child at home, I just don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I’m screaming inside.

[brittleheadgirl]

My first marriage was sexless, we were best friends and got on really well, never argued etc but I just couldn't imagine living like siblings for the rest of my life.

We separated when our dc were young as I believe that staying together for the sake of dc is hugely damaging to all involved.

No regrets and remarried over a decade ago.

[19Bears]

@GoodnightGrandma 10 years here. For anyone else, I think it would have been the end years ago, but I'm not one to rock the boat, and foolishly stick around trying to keep everyone happy. I too feel anxious if we're ever in the house without the kids. In fact, I finish work at 1pm on a Friday but make sure I don't get home until 3pm just in time to walk up to school. I sit in the garden centre car park or go to my mum's. Crazy. I'm worried that my kids have got past the 'little' stage where it's easier for them to adapt. I don't want to disrupt my eldest one's school life as he's just starting his GCSE courses. But how long do I hang on???!

@brittleheadgirl I dream of doing what you've done!!

[AnotherVice]

A little advice, don't do what I did and stay so long I ended up having an affair. It had the desired effect and ended the marriage but it was far messier than it could have been.

[brittleheadgirl]

@19Bears
If your dh is a reasonable dad, there's no reason why the dc wouldn't be perfectly happy spending time away from you with him.
Yes, it's a wrench at first but it becomes normal and I eventually looked forward to my time alone.
My ex chose to have limited contact with our dc, so they were mostly with me but they enjoyed seeing him, despite being very clingy children and both very much favouring me.

We only get one shot at life.
I'm really not very brave but I really had no choice and the alternative seemed far worse. I have never regret my decision.

[Holothane]

This year has been hell emotionally for me, if I could leave I would, this year I’ve been more depressed simply fed up of being snapped at, the grumpiness, the illnesses ok I can accept that but he still smokes now costing £60 £70. I’m his career now sex he’s never been bothered with now I don’t care, about it, I can’t leave it would kill him he can’t manage alone. Mental health issues, but I’ve realised this year the thought of 20 or more years of fills me with dread. My crushes have kept me going, my fil bless him knows the full story, he’s seen it happen over the years. Even our cleaner has noticed and seen me getting lower and lower some months. Okish at the moment but dreading the next grumpy episode usually winter Christmas time.

[ozymandiusking]

I sometimes think people bumble along in a marriage, nothing disasterously wrong, but, then meet someone else and that gives them the impetus to leave the marriage.

[GoodnightGrandma]

[quote 19Bears]@GoodnightGrandma 10 years here. For anyone else, I think it would have been the end years ago, but I'm not one to rock the boat, and foolishly stick around trying to keep everyone happy. I too feel anxious if we're ever in the house without the kids. In fact, I finish work at 1pm on a Friday but make sure I don't get home until 3pm just in time to walk up to school. I sit in the garden centre car park or go to my mum's. Crazy. I'm worried that my kids have got past the 'little' stage where it's easier for them to adapt. I don't want to disrupt my eldest one's school life as he's just starting his GCSE courses. But how long do I hang on???!

@brittleheadgirl I dream of doing what you've done!![/quote]
If I’d gone when I first spoke to a solicitor, I’d have got a good cut of the house/money as all the kids were living at home. Now it’s only one.
Because I hung on while one was home from Uni for lockdown, then hung on while one did GCSE’s, I know my cut will now only be 50%.
There’s always something to hang on for, at the moment it’s Xmas 😱

[snugglebum20]

Feeling quite glum this morning. Why is it so hard to just say what I want. I feel like I'm living someone else's life atm. Opportunities are just passing me by.

I look at Right Move most days/weeks. Thinking of all the scenarios in my head about living arrangements. I flick between buying my own (much smaller) house and how much that would cost me to renting something a bit nicer than I could afford to buy and using my equity share to fund the expensive rent and buy a newer car (as current one will need replacing in the next few years).

Lockdown has pushed us more and more apart. I think being locked down in the house with him has been the final push. Before, one of us was out every night and the other at home, even if that was just me going to the gym for an hour. Almost like a game of tagg. We are slowly getting back to that stage now and are like 2 hands on a clock. We work around each other to keep the clock going, occasionally meeting at one point but only briefly.

Everything he does irritates me. Just feeling his breath on me in bed makes my skin crawl. Everything he does I find weird, things like the way he arranges the duvet in the night. He does this weird thing with his feet/legs and the duvet ends up twisted and half of it missing at the lower end of the bed. Thinking of getting my own single duvet instead. That is as far as we would be able to go in terms of sleeping separately, We have no spare room and I'm not going on the sofa or an inflatable bed.

I wish I could go to sleep and then wake up and its all done. We've separated amicably, house/living arrangements are sorted, he's paying me what he needs to each month and has the kids eow and once in the week. I cant carry on much longer, maybe a breakdown is the answer and then it will all uncontrollably come out.

[GoodnightGrandma]

Yes, I wish I could flick a switch and it was just done.
I suppose two things are stopping me. Firstly, I don’t want to make the move and then wish I’d just stayed like this, because maybe this is better than being alone. Watching the Night Stalker programme made me feel a bit nervous about living alone when I’m older.
Secondly, it’s the whole upheaval of the split. The kids blaming me etc.

[snugglebum20]

@GoodnightGrandma - yup, totally those things for me too. I also worry about my younger childs mental health. He is 11 but already has anxiety over anything and everything. I'm not worried about living alone in terms of strangers, but I am scared of my own shadow and I would need to over come that. Sometimes I can feel a presence in a room (a psychic once told me I have the ability to communicate with spirits, if you believe in that sort of thing. I'm 50/50) I also worry about the neighbours (as if they are important !) and selling the house and moving out while they all watch (not literally) but we live in a very small and lovely cul-de-sac with about 12 houses and everyone knows what everyone else is doing, type of thing. I wouldn't have a for sale sign up outside the house. I feel shame/embarrassment if I'm being honest. and the thought of leaving my absolutely lovely cul-de-sac upsets me. We have street parties (covid permitting), a whatsapp group, everyone helps everyone else out. The community spirit is fantastic. The house will have to be sold, we will have to move.

[GoodnightGrandma]

Have you spoken to a solicitor to see what percentage you can expect to get ?

[Jaguarshoes]

@snugglebum20 I can totally identify with the way everything irritates you, all the little things that I’ve just ignored for years are now grating on me. He’s completely inept at practical/financial stuff so I’ve always done it all, but now I’m just so tired of always doing it all. We’ve got separate duvets! He’s decided our duvet is too warm so he’s got himself a thinner single and now I’m left with a massive king size one all bunched up on my side of the bed or falling off. It drives me insane.

The thing is, would therapy help bring the closeness and fondness back or is it too late? I try to think of how I felt for him at the beginning, tried to get those feelings back, but actually now I can’t remember feeling that strongly about him. He was definitely much more in love with me than I ever was in him, like a few of you have said, he was never going to hurt me. Not a great foundation to build on.

[3luckystars]

There is a book called ‘too good to leave, too bad to stay’ and you might find it really helpful. All the best.