Why did you leave your ok enough marriage?

[Passingships]

For people in ok enough marriages where there was no abuse or cheating, why did you leave? Unhappy and I expected more from marriage and life but is it bad enough to leave I don’t know.

I ordered the book that was recommended, Untamed and I've just sat down with a cup of tea to read it but I've had to put it down, six pages in. It's going to be such a hard read.

I was unhappy. He didnt respect me and lied to me, making me paranoid. Then acted as if my paranoia was unjustified. It was draining, not happy.
No way was I doing that shit til I die

@Jaguarshoes and @snugglebum20...I can relate to all of this. I think it is particularly hard when sexual feelings go. No amount of therapy can really magic those feelings back. I don't like kissing anymore and I read somewhere that is a really bad sign! He is a good, kind man..we would have the perfect life together if my feelings hadn't changed!!! Godamnit!

I also think there is way too much pressure in our society for people to stay together for a ridiculous amount of years. People change and feelings change. No-one is the same person at 60 as they are at 40, as they are at 20..

I actually said to my DH that I don’t want to stay together just because we’re married. That’s what people used to do, I think that’s what my kids would like, but I’m not doing it for anyone.
We’re a bit stuck now. I said what had to be said, I asked what he wanted to do and he didn’t know so I said to think about it, and now it’s just gone back to normal. He is being chatty and cooked tea.
He wanted to know what was wrong but I'm just so over the blame game, I’m not going to sit there and list all the things he’s done over the years that are leading to the inevitable.
He said he’d change - too fucking late now, and I’ve heard it before.

I feel like I’ve limped along in my marriage for years. We don’t like each other any more, I have tried really hard to try and get those feelings back but they are just gone. I’ve stayed for the DCs who are teenagers now but I don’t think I can do this anymore. I long for him not to be around, I don’t want to spend any time with him and his presence has started to suck the life out of me. I’m currently ill with Covid and although he’s made me the odd drink it’s always done begrudgingly. I don’t feel looked after or cared for in any way. I know if he got it I wouldn’t particularly want to look after and care for him either. I know if it wasn’t for the DCs I would have left years ago, I worry about disrupting them, I’m worried about the financial side of things but I certainly don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him and I should have made the move years ago. I know he’s as unhappy as me but it’s just taking the first step that’s the hardest. The reason I’ve stayed is because there is no abuse, financially I would be worse off and I didn’t want to upset the DCs but I worry about the example we are setting them when it’s blatantly obvious we don’t even like each.

Does anyone know if the 6th April 2022 is definitely when no fault divorce comes in ?

Always been the case @GoodnightGrandma After two ‘irretrievable breakdown’

• after two years

@Redyellowblue34

* after two years

This is where you don’t have to wait though.

Just read about six pages of Untamed oh my god that’s me to a t, (will get book on kindle next week)

Good grief if money was no object I’d be off.

@Holothane

Good grief if money was no object I’d be off.

I think most of us would !

I feel everyone’s pain here as it’s my own the thought of 20 more years of this just makes my heart sunk.

@GoodnightGrandma Yes, April next year. I've been waiting for two years for it to be put into law after all the delays with bloody Brexit and covid, but it's finally on the way. I'm seeing it as a date to aim for. If I can set the ball rolling to separate, then I'd like to file for divorce going down the no fault route just so it's quicker and less blame-y. Just want it all to be done.

I was thinking if that, I don’t want to blame anyone, just want out.
But I read on here somewhere about serving him a letter so that he can’t remove his pension lump sum, so I might be pushed to go earlier. If only I had a solid reason to go, rather than just had enough.

I feel really stuck in regards to legal stuff @GoodnightGrandma especially when people tell you to get your ducks in a row, what does that even mean? Do I sneakily have to photocopy his pension documents, steal his bank statements?? I've no idea. And do I go to a solicitor right now, or wait til I want to instruct them to start a divorce. I have some emergency 'get out' money I need to move somewhere he won't know about. Is there an instruction leaflet somewhere???!!!

I’d see a solicitor now, so you know what you’d be entitled to.
Then you need to know what bank accounts and credit cards you both have.
What private pensions you both have.
And do you own your house ?
Any other things of value like Premium Bonds or Isa’s.

Your solicitor will ask him for the last 12 months of bank statements, and you will have to in return.
So it’s worth moving your emergency money now, do it a bit at a time so it’s not suspicious 😉

@19bears getting your ducks in a row just means getting all the important things together that you might need before you leave. It would depend on someone’s individual circumstances, but it might be: putting a bit of money aside, packing an emergency bag with a change of clothes, passport, driving licence, medication etc that you could leave with someone you trust or somewhere you could easily grab. Getting a copy of any important paperwork - so yes, any documents relating to money, pensions, log book. Basically anything that you think a partner may make difficult to get, or that you might need.

@IzzyJo65 I’m so sorry you feel it to. OMG the thought of kissing my husband, I have not done that for YEARS, ie ‘properly’. It’s a slippery slope from there, unfortunately. I actually cannot bear having sex with him now. There’s no way back, is there? 🙈

I'm exactly the same as all of you here. Nothing more than friends for 10 years now, and tbh not even that. I don't really like him and we do everything separately, which suits me. But here I am plodding on 'for the kids.'

Not yet 10 years (feels like it). I can totally relate to this. I have a primary aged child with SEN and a younger child - I don't feel in the right place to cause an upheaval.

Attending therapy (about something else) but constantly discussing my relationship with my husband and how poor it is. It feels I can't make a decision that will impact so many lives (my dc), so yes, in many ways if something major happened it would almost be a relief.

Husband's porn viewing has played its part. The deceitfulness attached to this as well (secretly viewing), I just don't seem to be able to move past it (he has absolutely no remorse and called me a prude). I've realised our values are different too. Entering perimenopause seems to have heightened everything - it's like I coped before with many irritations but have less tolerance now.

I feel alone in terms of I would love some emotional support and affection (I'm trying to work on being my own cheerleader etc.) I don't have a wide circle of friends and no-one who I feel I can tell about this. Burying myself in ironing/housework and hobbies and focusing on dc...distraction I suppose (apart from dc who are my main priority and not distraction). Only males left extended family wise and not sympathetic.

In short, no abuse, support in practical and financial ways. It's not enough but it has to be (at least for now).

Less tolerance in peri menopause is one of my problems I think.
On another thread someone said how the oestrogen is a ‘cosy’ hormone and makes you want to care, but when you lose it you no longer care !

I feel really different with the peri. GoodnightGrandma and often wonder if it is to blame for a lot of how I feel. But it also feels like the rose tinted glasses have come off and there seems a bit more to it than just the peri.

Yes. I did wonder if I should try some HRT, but why should I take hormones to artificially make me like him !

These posts have had me in tears because every one strikes a chord with me.
I'm still in my marriage because I'm a coward. My husband is ultimately a good man, brilliant father. He has his issues, I'm convinced he's bi-polar and I have begged him to address this. He's going to apparently. I've been dealing with that sinking feeling for so long because of the moods and the short temper, the dread when you just know somethings brewing, but it's not like that every day. I haven't had the courage to say enough is enough and I wish every day that I could do it