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Husband is leaving me and I’m in bits

(255 Posts)
Qwincy Wed 05-Aug-20 01:40:27

Please help or advise. After a long conversation, my husband has decided to leave me.
We’ve been together 20 years, married for 12 and have 10 yr old Twins.
Things haven’t been right for a while - lack of sex mainly- but we are 100% best friends and have a brilliant life together. Or so I thought. But he now says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and it’s torn me apart, I want to on it but he doesn’t.
This can’t be happening, I’m so lost and upset. Anyone got any tips, advice or just words of wisdom to get me through this.

OP’s posts: |
MrsTerryPratchett Wed 05-Aug-20 01:41:45

Be prepared for someone else to appear out of the woodwork very soon.

You WILL be OK.

vegansprinkle Wed 05-Aug-20 02:11:34

Agree with @MrsTerryPratchett sadly.
Sorry you are going through this

HarmlessChap Wed 05-Aug-20 02:55:40

A friendship isn't a marriage, I had over a decade like that. We tried repeatedly to make it work but eventually both checked out of the marriage and my STBXW called time on the marriage last year while I'd been waiting for our youngest to finish her A Levels this year to do the same. Thank goodness she did though, I don't know how I would have survived lock-down with my STBXW and I'm sure she'd say the same!

We are still friendly and both of us are happier now that we are apart. The divorce is plodding along amicably and I'm now in a great relationship having fallen in love with someone who makes me very happy.

You will be fine, it won't necessarily be easy but a bad marriage is very hard work; at my lowest, I didn't want to wake up the following day whereas now I feel blessed each and every day.

LittleHelpFromMySplitEnds Wed 05-Aug-20 03:14:29

It truly will get better even though it hurts so much right now. I've been there, I know. Be kind to yourself, as well as patient. If you have hobbies and are able to, do those things.

I remember just dancing a lot, as it helped me escape a bit and made me feel better, even for a short amount of time until the pain came back. So then I would cry for a bit and try and do something else to ease the pain. Some days I was not able to, and that was okay as well. Just be patient with yourself.


vikingwife Wed 05-Aug-20 03:33:27

A marriage/partnership is more than friendship unfortunately. While some are content with lack of sex, for others it’s something which defines the difference between a romantic & platonic relationship.

We’re the issues with lack of sex raised? We’re you both working on these issues to foster intimacy both sex wise & ways to show intimacy other than sex ? When you say lack of sex, how often were you being intimate? What were the reasons for lack of sex?

Unfortunately this can happen when the low libido partner is content with how things are & no longer wants sex, the other becomes frustrated & then sex becomes an issue. At the same time, it’s unfair for the high libido partner to expect sex as a given & often they don’t contribute to household chores or parenting, so one parent is run ragged doing everything at home, so having sex starts to feel like a chore on top of that.

At the same time, it’s unrealistic for one partner to assume that the other will be ok long term with a lack of sex, just because they themselves are ok with that.

Unfortunately if he no longer wants to work on it & says he is no longer in love then likely he has had his head turned & as others have said, watch out for another woman to appear from the woodwork at some stage.

vikingwife Wed 05-Aug-20 03:34:04

Were not we’re - damn autocorrect!

Cissyandflora Wed 05-Aug-20 03:47:52

I haven’t been where you are but I have faced desperately difficult times and I’ve got through it all. You will get through this time. It’s going to be a hard time in your life but you’ll come through it stronger and you’ll be ok. I’m sorry you’re feeling so upset. Life is very very hard sometimes.

rvby Wed 05-Aug-20 03:49:56

Holding your hand. You sound so shocked, I'm sorry this has happened to you, you poor thing.

Do you have folk you might be able to phone?

Can you make yourself something hot and sweet to drink. You may be in physical shock, you need to take care of yourself.

vikingwife Wed 05-Aug-20 04:08:33

Sorry realised hadn’t offered any practical advice. I would start by visiting the Chump Lady website & familiarising yourself with her content. It’s helped countless women... right now you will be doing the “pick me dance” wanting him to reconsider...

stellabelle Wed 05-Aug-20 04:28:48

Unfortunately it does sound as if he has someone else waiting in the wings. That old line about how he loves you but isn't "in love" with you, is a sure sign that he has checked out and has someone else in mind to fill your position.

Yep I've been where you are , and it's hard at first. But it does get better. You need to discuss what is going to happen now . Presumably since he is calling time on the marriage, he should be moving out. Then you can regroup and get on with life. You'll be fine - many women have been in this situation and we're all OK now.

OhioOhioOhio Wed 05-Aug-20 04:44:11

My xh was/is horrible and it was still a really awful time. But yes, you will be okay.

mathanxiety Wed 05-Aug-20 05:49:29

Offering a hand hold flowers.

And some advice:
Get to grips with the family financial situation. Find all documents relating to bank accounts of all sorts, H's pay stubs, investments, mortgages, CC bills, car loans, rent.
Who owns the family home?
Are both names on the deeds?
If renting, whose name is on the lease?

Hire a solicitor.

All of this needs to be done asap.

There is never a good time to go through the process of divorcing, but a bad time to go through it all is before you know all the details of the family finances.

Explore with your solicitor the options you have wrt custody and visitation/ facilitating the involvement of both parents in the lives of the children, and how your preferences can be amicably achieved. Discuss the ramifications of each option when it comes to deciding what is to happen to the family home if owned, not rented.

Have you told your parents, siblings, friends? You uneed to ask them for support. Don't hesitate to ask them for specific sorts of support - child minding while you go to see a solicitor, a home cooked meal from someone, a grocery delivery. Cash (and lots of it) if you can't afford a solicitor.

You and H need to sit down together and discuss how you will break the news to the twins. They need to know that this is a decision mum and dad have made because of mum and dad's feelings, NOT because of anything the children have said or done, that mum and dad still love them to bits and are proud of them, and will always be their loving parents despite living apart. Assure them that their birthday will still be celebrated, that all the other holidays they love will still happen, though maybe not in the familiar way.

If dad has started a relationship with someone else he needs to be honest with you so that the two of you can prepare the children for an introduction to the lady or gentleman in question (in good time, no hurry here - this needs to be negotiated and accomplished with the children's best interests in mind).

If the family home must be sold, then that is another horrible conversation with the children. But talk to a sol wrt your rights and how different custody scenarios will affect the disposition of your home.

You need to ask your H what his plans are - when will he move out, where will he be living. He owes you that information.

You need to talk to a solicitor about an interim financial support arrangement until the divorce is finalised (if he earns more than you do).

This is a horrible thing to have dropped in your lap, but please talk to your family and friends and ask them for support.

IdblowJonSnow Wed 05-Aug-20 05:56:58

OP it's just one day at a time at this point. I've got 2 friends who've gone through this in the last year. Both were broken and in shock but have come through it well.
He may not have someone else, but either way focus on you and all the support you can get whether that's parents or friends or both.
People often dont eat enough at these times so try and get a few biscuits or a banana if you feel like not eating. Has he said he'll move out?
Sorry this has happened. You will be ok but it will take time. flowers

Qwincy Wed 05-Aug-20 05:57:11

Thank you everyone. I am in shock, had a few hours sleep but feel as if this is happening to someone else. My whole future as I knew it has been shaken up.

With regards to lack of intimacy, we’ve both got stressful jobs and I guess we simply haven’t made it a priority. I don’t have huge confidence and don’t initiate it. Our children don’t sleep well and are often in our bed. But I assumed we were ok with that.

Some of you mention someone waiting in the woodwork........ back in November and again in January I confronted him because he was spending ridiculous amounts of time on his phone. So I (and I’m ashamed to say) checked his messages and a young, pretty work colleague had been messaging him loads, friendly initially, but then more flirty. He said she did have feelings for him but that she was just a good friend to him and as work is so shit she’s been a good sounding board. I hand on heart believe nothing has happened with her - yet - but worry now that she is waiting to sweep in,

Please tell me I’ll survive. I feel hollow, as if someone has literally carved out my insides xx

OP’s posts: |
Qwincy Wed 05-Aug-20 05:59:18

Thank you, that’s such a detailed step by step. Going to see my mum and dad today. Then list the finances to see if I can afford to stay in our home xx

OP’s posts: |
mathanxiety Wed 05-Aug-20 06:02:27

It may well be possible to stay in the home. You need to see a solicitor - talk about child support.

Qwincy Wed 05-Aug-20 06:13:22

I’m so tired, this doesn’t feel real. Sobbing on the sofa and don’t want this day to begin.
I’m going to see my parents and brother later, they’ll be able to help me.

OP’s posts: |
Startoftheyear2020 Wed 05-Aug-20 06:26:24

Be strong 💐

vegansprinkle Wed 05-Aug-20 06:26:32

Good luck with your family. Sharing with them will help!

Also, speak with a solicitor

SunshineCake Wed 05-Aug-20 06:31:24

I am so sorry but you aren't alone. You will get all the advice support, hand holds and anything else you want from the posters on here.

BurtsBeesKnees Wed 05-Aug-20 06:33:30

I'm so sorry this is happening op. Be kind to yourself at the moment thanks

parababe Wed 05-Aug-20 06:35:59

Im so sorry you are going through this. No actual advice, but wanted to give a hand hold x

Therebythedoor Wed 05-Aug-20 06:36:45

I know you don't want the day to begin but begin it will - it has - but you will get through this.

It's overwhelming. Suddenly everything is up in the air and there are a lot of unknowns. But things will fall in place. I found it helped to concentrate on one thing at a time. I had to talk to myself and say "First things first - I will deal with this and then look at the next thing." I found writing a list of things to do useful. I was afraid I'd miss something important but having a notebook I kept tucked away from my ex helped a lot.

Remember to look after yourself too. It's an old MN cliche but it makes sense.

InspectorGoul Wed 05-Aug-20 06:42:46

Yep, suddenly he will be in a relationship with her. It's just a matter of how long they can keep it quiet to be respectable.
Get the divorce started ASAP while he is in this frame of mind is my advice but also be aware that they are likely to have a relationjship which will crash pretty quickly and suddenly he will be aware of all your good points again! THAT is when you will really feel shit. When you feel second best and know he is only trying to get his marriage back because he's been dumped.

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