Husband is leaving me and I’m in bits

[Qwincy]

Please help or advise. After a long conversation, my husband has decided to leave me.
We’ve been together 20 years, married for 12 and have 10 yr old Twins.
Things haven’t been right for a while - lack of sex mainly- but we are 100% best friends and have a brilliant life together. Or so I thought. But he now says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and it’s torn me apart, I want to on it but he doesn’t.
This can’t be happening, I’m so lost and upset. Anyone got any tips, advice or just words of wisdom to get me through this.
Xxx

[chatterbugmegastar]

I thought you weren't committing to anything until you'd seen a lawyer?

[Qwincy]

@chatterbugmegastar

I thought you weren't committing to anything until you'd seen a lawyer?

I haven’t committed to anything.

He’s paying half of the household bills and mortgage for now.

When he has a rented house we will agree days for the girls - due to our jobs we can’t commit to set days so will work out a schedule a month at a time that will allow both of us to share the childcare

[Qwincy]

@SerendipitySunshine

Where will he have them?

He’s been house hunting today and going to get a rented house for 6 months until we are clearer about finances and have spoken to a solicitor

[imissthesouth]

So sorry OP. Especially with the children. One door closes and another opens in life though. Your happy ever after will be here soon

[chatterbugmegastar]

I haven’t committed to anything.

Excellent 👍 This is such a minefield that legal advice will really help you

[Daftapath]

So he can afford to pay half of the expenses for the family home and rent somewhere large enough to have the twins? That's good.

[Qwincy]

@Daftapath

So he can afford to pay half of the expenses for the family home and rent somewhere large enough to have the twins? That's good.

Yes. Well just about. He has a decent wage

[WinterSunglasses]

due to our jobs we can’t commit to set days so will work out a schedule a month at a time that will allow both of us to share the childcare

Ok, but that sounds less good for the kids if they're going to be chopping and changing their schedules all the time.

[FaceOfASpink]

Be careful OP.
Things are very rarely as straightforward as they seem at first. See some solicitors. I've yet to meet a women IRL for whom divorce is properly fair in the wider sense. I suppose it depends on people's definition of fair but it's no time to be shy of standing up for yourself and your children. I sometimes wonder whether the 'bitter woman' trope is another one that's meant to keep us in our place.

[justilou1]

I agree.. good for this week. Maybe next week. Unlikely to last for long. Assuming he has OW in place, she will not like you “dictating” his availability for long. It will be all about her very soon. You need times locked in legally.

[ALLIS0N]

@justilou1

I agree.. good for this week. Maybe next week. Unlikely to last for long. Assuming he has OW in place, she will not like you “dictating” his availability for long. It will be all about her very soon. You need times locked in legally.

This.

And what @FaceOfASpink said.

They are always cooperative for the first few weeks as they feel guilty. He wants it to be “amicable” so he can believe his own story:

“ We drifted apart years ago, we led separate lives, we were just together for the kids. Yes OW was around but she was just a friend really. I’m doing my wife a favour , she will see that soon enough. We are now both free to get on with our lives. Lockdown showed me I couldn’t go on living a lie any longer”.

Which means

“ Lockdown was tough as I didn’t have an excuse to get out and shag OW. And between work and the kids I hardly have any time for me, myself and I - my top three priorities in life. So now I will be free most of the time and can fit in the kids on the odd weekend that OW is busy.

“ My ex will deal with all the domestic drudgery and 95% of the childcare and I will be free free free. I can be Disney Dad while she buys school uniform, does homework and takes them to the dentist”.

[FaceOfASpink]

When they marry again with lighting speed, I think there should be a more honest set of vows for the ones like the OP's H, who unilaterally decide the marriage is dead without warning or discussion with their spouse. They could substitute the usual promises with - 'until she doesn't make me the centre of the known universe (because adulting) or until I change my mind, whichever is soonest.

[SlowDown76mph]

Could you manage with zero maintenance..? Please, get your own independent legal advice pronto.

[mathanxiety]

When he has a rented house we will agree days for the girls - due to our jobs we can’t commit to set days so will work out a schedule a month at a time that will allow both of us to share the childcare

This is a recipe for you losing your job at worst or at best being run ragged, and your children having their hearts broken.

Get a schedule in place. You will both need to plan your work around it.

Visitation is supposed to be for the benefit of the children, to facilitate the relationship between each parent and the children. It's not supposed to be something that happens if daddy can fit it in, which is how the ad hoc arrangement plan will pan out.

[MsDogLady]

I agree with @mathanxiety. For a healthy transition, your children need a set schedule so they will know what to expect. They will need to establish a stable routine at each home.

[millymollymoomoo]

I agree that a certain fixed schedule is probably best, to allow a sense of routine and expectation for all. That doesnt mean no flexibility but everyone knowing what days /nights etc will be helpful, most of all to the children

[Qwincy]

We are setting a structure. He’s going to have them Wednesday and we will alternate the weekends so they have Fri night/Saturday with one of us then Saturday/Sunday with the other.

The children are the most important thing in all of this and they will be fine. We have a close family who are going to support me and my ex so that we can minimise the impact on the twins x

[MsPavlichenko]

So he is having them two night a week? That's a lot of work for you with twins. Again (and I get you don't want to hear it) you are no longer a team so make sure you put yourself first as he won't. I am not saying you cannot co parent, but it will not be as it has been. Have you got any legal advice?

[Qwincy]

It’s not a lot for me.
I have my parents, grandparents, his parents and they are all going to help me out.
Legal appointment booked for next week X

[Ben2c]

I am going through the same you are. My wife of 17 years (I’m now 34) said to me one day in May, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore”. Hit me like a steam train. The next day she told me she has been seeing someone else. Had been going on for 6 weeks. Then all the reason why it was my fault emerged eg, attention, we didn’t have sex enough, I didn’t do this, I didn’t do that. Says she has been feeling like this for months but meeting the OM has made her realise she doesn’t want our life anymore. It’s heart breaking and I’m not ashamed to say I spent the first month in tears and my life felt like it was ending. I moved out after 2 weeks and she is still at home with the children. She has seen a solicitor and intends to keep the house, make me put the mortgage and start her new life. Now 3 months down the line is still feel overwhelming sadness everyday and but people around me do say that i have moved on so much. You need to stop fantasising about the good times and put the relationship into perspective. I keep blaming myself and feeling guilty as if it was all my fault but it isn’t. She made the decision to do this. Just like your H, he has made this decision and expects you to live with it. Don’t beg, don’t plead, and certainly don’t apologise. If he doesn’t appreciate you for you and love you as you are, you are better than that and you will find someone better for you.

[MsPavlichenko]

It is great you have support, but (from experience) this will not remain at the same level indefinitely. Life goes on. For you, for them. They will continue to help I am sure but other stuff happens, people get older etc so make sure he is doing his share from the start.

It is also good if you have an independent and good relationship with your ILS (whatever he is doing/not doing).

[Qwincy]

@Ben2c

I am going through the same you are. My wife of 17 years (I’m now 34) said to me one day in May, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore”. Hit me like a steam train. The next day she told me she has been seeing someone else. Had been going on for 6 weeks. Then all the reason why it was my fault emerged eg, attention, we didn’t have sex enough, I didn’t do this, I didn’t do that. Says she has been feeling like this for months but meeting the OM has made her realise she doesn’t want our life anymore. It’s heart breaking and I’m not ashamed to say I spent the first month in tears and my life felt like it was ending. I moved out after 2 weeks and she is still at home with the children. She has seen a solicitor and intends to keep the house, make me put the mortgage and start her new life. Now 3 months down the line is still feel overwhelming sadness everyday and but people around me do say that i have moved on so much. You need to stop fantasising about the good times and put the relationship into perspective. I keep blaming myself and feeling guilty as if it was all my fault but it isn’t. She made the decision to do this. Just like your H, he has made this decision and expects you to live with it. Don’t beg, don’t plead, and certainly don’t apologise. If he doesn’t appreciate you for you and love you as you are, you are better than that and you will find someone better for you.

Great advice. It’s been a week today and I do feel better. I love him and I wish this hadn’t happened to me. But I’m starting to feel better.

We met to talk practicalities and I had things I wanted to say and questions I wanted to ask and I’m glad I asked. I feel as if it is a weight off my chest. And is helping me to accept It is what it is and I can’t change it.

I feel much better for talking to him. I've felt like I've had so many questions to ask him and I've needed to ask them for me to able to process this and begin to move on.

But he's assured me that there is no one else. No one at all and I believe him. He said he simply isn't in love with me and he thinks I feel the same. It's confusing for me to understand the difference between being 'in' love and loving someone, I thought I'd grow old with him, but I know I can't change his mind.

I've felt as if I've done something wrong, I've not been able to understand why he wants to walk away from all that we have but after talking to him, I do feel better and can begin to move on slowly.

This isn't what I want but equally, if he isn't happy then I don't want him to stay with me and be miserable. I love him but clearly he doesn’t love me and I’m learning to accept that and have to move on.

We’re talking and it is ok, he’s found a nearby house to rent and my family have offered to help him find second hand furniture and move in. He is an only child and his parents are older and live far away. He has no other people to help and I want him to have a nice home for our twins to go to.

So today is better, I’m one week down. I know I’ll get through this as every one says. it’s hard, I miss him and it feels lonely but I’ll get there xx

[Weenurse]

Good luck with solicitor

[beautifulshoes]

How are you doing @Qwincy? Hope you are coping ok .

[Qwincy]

@beautifulshoes

How are you doing *@Qwincy*? Hope you are coping ok .

Up and down, but today is a down 😥
Im getting better as the days pass, starting to plan and think ahead whereas before I couldn’t see beyond the day that I was in.
Staying friends helps but also, I've realised how much I do and have done for him, and if all that isn’t enough then I don’t want him.
Don’t want to waste my time on someone who doesn’t appreciate or value me.

But today it hit me again - he's getting his keys tomorrow for his house and that's like another nail in the coffin of our marriage. And I feel a bit overwhelmed at the thought of being on my own. When the children go to bed is when I feel crappiest.

it’s like a rollercoaster and I’ve just got to accept that for a while But I am slowly getting better x