Husband is leaving me and I’m in bits

[Qwincy]

Please help or advise. After a long conversation, my husband has decided to leave me.
We’ve been together 20 years, married for 12 and have 10 yr old Twins.
Things haven’t been right for a while - lack of sex mainly- but we are 100% best friends and have a brilliant life together. Or so I thought. But he now says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and it’s torn me apart, I want to on it but he doesn’t.
This can’t be happening, I’m so lost and upset. Anyone got any tips, advice or just words of wisdom to get me through this.
Xxx

[FaceOfASpink]

I second a previous poster's advice about ChumpLady. The best thing you can do IME is download the audiobook Leave a Cheater Gain a Life and go for a long walk to listen to the first few chapters before you do anything else.

[FaceOfASpink]

Don't even have a discussion with him first. Just do it.
In the end it doesn't really matter whether they've been physical. He's cheated.

[Mischance]

I do not have any advice but just wanted to say that I am so sorry you find yourself in this unhappy situation.

I lost my OH a few months ago, and can endorse the advice to make lists; and also to record what you manage to do each day - sometimes you get to the end of the day and think you have achieved nothing, but once it is down in black and white you realise you are doing better than you thought.

I wish you every strength in this unhappy time for you, and hope your family will be there for you. As I often say to my children: just remember, one day you will look back on this as just one small part of your life history.

[dottiedodah]

I am so sorry this has happened to you.There are so many threads like yours on here and in real life sadly .Many young Mums are content with a relationship of little or no sex ,most young dads arent! .I would think 100% the pretty work colleague is standing by .Confide in your family they all sound great .Sort out finances ,and while you may be able to stay in your home if you cant ,then maybe a fresh start somewhere new without memories may be better in the long run. Sending hugs to you stay strong and hug your lovely little ones XXXX

[amiascrazyastheysay]

Oh sending you massive hugs. Been there, and bought the T-shirt. Make sure you keep your friends and family close through this difficult time xx

[Oldbutstillgotit]

Small piece of advice . You say he won’t shirk his financial responsibilities, in my own experience and in thousands of others , it may start out like that but often changes especially when an OW appears and objects to the amount of money being laid in maintenance.
Get your finances nailed down fast .

[BeyondMyWits]

Would say decide what you want.

He has decided what he wants - decide what you want. The resultant has to be a middle ground somewhere.

He can leave you, he cannot leave his children. Make sure his little dream includes them from day one. Get into the access finer points from day 1. He does not get to abrogate all responsibilities and skip off into the sunset living the dream and leaving you behind with all the crap of day to day life.

When he realises that life goes on as before, just in a different place with less money, he may give pause - work out what you want to happen in that case.

[LadyHooHa]

@Villanemme

Explain to him that you are going to be the one moving out and would like access to the children whenever you want until things are put on a more legal footing. Watch his face fall.

Absolutely don't do this, under any circumstances. If you do this, it will be assumed that you a) would be happy to live without your children; and b) you don't need to stay in the family home.

You need to stay put, and with your children, one hundred percent. Your husband might refuse to budge, but in that case you will have to house-share for a while. I've done it, and it's horrible - but better than the alternative.

I'm so sorry, OP.

[TwentyViginti]

You may not think he's a bastard NOW, but once the reality of the financial cost of all this to him hits - this will change. Many many women on here will testify to that.

He's straining at the leash to get to this shiny new woman, and will be amicable for NOW so take advantage of that - but don't regard him as your friend when it comes to financial dealings.

[SteelyPanther]

A solicitor will often give you a free first consultation.
It may be that, as part of the process, they ask him to pay your costs.
I was told that it’s better for you to file for divorce, rather than him.
Things to think about before you speak to a solicitor -
Do you own your house or rent, is your name on the deeds ?
Do you or him have a private pension ?
What bank accounts do you have between you, joint and personal ?

[Lightuptheroom]

Solicitors are expensive, it's important to use them wisely as you basically pay for everything they do, don't fall into a trap of thinking the solicitor is 'supporting' you, they will write what they are asked to write.
If he employs a solicitor, then be aware of any emotional response you may feel to such letters, it sometimes helps to read them as if they are about someone else
As a priority, collect all your documents together, birth certificates, passports, bank statements, if your banking is joint make sure you notify the bank as I've known many people be stung by the other partner emptying an account. Do not leave your home, he should be the one moving out.

[Sexnotgender]

I’m so sorry OP. Sounds like he is looking to move on with this pretty young work colleague.

You need to organise the divorce whilst he still feels guilty.

[Qwincy]

Thank you

We both have our own separate bank accounts and bills a divided equally. We are home owners, and have been in our new home for just 4 years. If at all possible I really want to keep our home - it’s going to give my children a better sense of security. They don’t know yet and absolutely idolise their daddy - he is a wonderful father to them and this is going to rock their world. If I can keep the house and structure and routine it will be better for them x

[susie2014]

I'm in a similar situation although I don't really love him anymore and there is a bit of a different backstory. I still feel quite gutted that we couldn't make things work for the kids though, and despite insisting he was going to see us right financially (he's a high earner), he's already grumbling about money just two weeks after moving out. As previous posters have suggested this will probably only get worse when another woman comes on the scene (I'm a child of divorce myself, I remember how it works) so I'm trying to focus on financially preparing myself at the moment and finding a good solicitor.

Hugs to you OP though, it's all very hard but you'll be fine eventually. Just take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself and take any promises at the moment with a pinch of salt.

[Serendipity79]

It makes me so sad reading these threads and realising just how many men do this and how they all use the same lines. Like there is someone out there training them in how to leave for another woman :( I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I'd echo some other posters - He isn't your friend. Try and be amicable if possible, but don't be walked over. Work out what he thinks will happen next e.g. does he want joint custody of your children or does he intend to have them as little as possible (Happens more than you would think when OW is involved). What does he perceive happening money wise - house, car, pension, maintenance etc.

Particularly where the money is concerned please don't assume he will always be reasonable. I'm in court fighting to keep mine and my children's home despite my ex never paying a penny towards it and always saying if we ever split up he'd never try and take it. Unfortunately that was a lie.

Take it one day at a time, and be honest with people about your break up if you need support. Don't hide his OW for him - its his shame to deal with. x

[fedupwithhim]

This is exactly what happened to me. Married for 20 odd years with two children and "thought" I had a normal marriage. No arguments, good friends .... but we had both given up on sex.
I then caught him out as he sent a message to the OW on our family Facebook chat (plonker!) so he had to admit to there being someone else.
I got the usual "I love you but I'm not in love with you". The reason they come out with this is that their ego has been stroked and their ego is telling them that they love the OW and us wives are just boring by comparison.
What I have learnt is that men are simple and often very stupid creatures. Their egos and penises are all they can think of at a time like this and my male friends who have admitted to having had affairs will say the same! They are almost blinded by their stupidity and seem to think that at the grass will be a lot greener. On most occasions, after the first year, that grass rots !!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I cannot tell you how much I feel your pain. I do have to agree with others that an OW will creep out at some point. Men rarely just get up and leave unless there's a prospect of someone being around the corner to iron their pants and make them feel 16 ago.
Big hugs xxx

[dottiedodah]

OldButStillGotit Totally agree (love your user name BTW!) Many men seem to feel they can start a "new Life" with their G/F, and be "young again" forgetting they have a family already! 100% sort finances and get everything you are entitled to pension ,savings ,maintenance and so on .You are not "taking him to the Cleaners " but simply getting what you need!

[gassylady]

Another one saying dont say you’ll leave and have access to the twins - what if he told them you’d said it or worse they overheard the conversation. As he wants to leave let him, ask where he is going and how he is going to finance it. If he plans to separate but stay in the home for now then no washing for him, obviously separate beds, no cooking for him, if you are eligible for any top up benefits I think you need to demonstrate that you are indeed separate. Be honest with family and friends no need to save face for him and support for you will be invaluable.

[NC866]

It seems like so many women on MN absolutely revel in encouraging strangers to get into a messy and angry divorce and become as bitter as possible. Why can’t a person end a marriage because they have fallen out of love without it making them an awful person who wants to shirk their responsibilities to their kids? I’m unhappy in my marriage and have been thinking about ending it for months but honestly this is why I’m terrified to do it, because I’m petrified of a messy divorce where my kids suffer. I’m not in love anymore though and just plodding on for the sake of the kids and not causing a huge upset. Threads like this make me feel so scared for the future. Combined with real life divorces I’ve seen where it all turns so nasty. OP you can’t control what your soon to be ex does and who knows, maybe he won’t turn out to be as friendly about everything as you hope but you CAN control how you act and I’d urge you not to become bitter and vengeful because of encouragement here. From your husbands perspective it honestly does feel awful to be the one who has fallen out of love. It’s not a fun place to be knowing it’s your fault. It’s sad all round for everyone but it doesn’t need to be made worse with a messy split.

[Toomboom]

Get legal advice ASAP. Do not believe anything your husband says. He will be telling you anything that he thinks paints him in a good light so that you don't ask for anything. You may think he is saying and doing things to help, but he will be focusing on himself and how he can come best out of this. He almost certainly has someone else, and she is quite possible now pulling his strings.

Get the best financial deal that you can. Contact tax credits if you claim them to tell them you are now single.
As others have said, get all financial and bills together and go through these.
Let other people know what has happened. These men often hate to be thought of in a bad light so don't want others to know. It will also help you to have people to help you and hand hold.

I split with my first husband after 22 yrs married. It is incredibly tough to start with. I let things slide as I believed he would do the right thing. I got totally screwed over and lost a huge amount. Please don't do the same. It will get better, but it will take time. Just be kind to yourself, you are in shock at the moment.

[Jayaywhynot]

As other posters have said you need to get your ducks in a row.
Last year my sisters husband came home and told her he didnt love her anymore and he moved out, he made promises (out of guilt?) that he would financially support her and did for a while.
Low and behold turns out he had been having an affair.
A year on and he has another girlfriend and his life has moved on, he no longer feels guilty and no longer wants to financially help my sister, she works and he has his own business, one DC, hes been paying half the mortgage.
He now wants the house sold so he can get his share, sad thing is my sister owned the house before she met him and added him to the mortgage.
Sister wanted to do a deal where he kept the business and she kept the house but BIL has been not putting work through his books to make it look like the business is not doing well so he can get half the house and minimises what she can get out of the business.
So dont rely on your DH not being a bastard, neither was my BIL but he turned into one.
I dont recognise my BIL, hes not the man I thought he was.
Seriously, grieve for the loss of your marriage but protect yourself, take advice from the posters and take action, dont rely on him being a good guy or your best friend, he's not your friend, friends dont hurt each other, friends dont secretly text other woman.
I wish you luck

[BIWI]

He's not really a wonderful father though, is he, @Qwincy? Because he's prepared to walk out of their lives without even trying to salvage the marriage.

if you want the marriage to continue then why don't you suggest that you both go to relationship counselling? His reaction to that suggestion will be enlightening.

If you don't want it to, and he doesn't want the relationship to continue, then he has to move out right away. He doesn't get to enjoy living in the same house until he moves in with the OW finds somewhere else to live.

I'm so sorry for you. But this does read like a million and one other threads on MN where the 'D'H has already found another woman to move on with - the line 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' is a terrible, terrible cliché'.

Lots of other MNetters (unfortunately) have gone through this, and will have excellent advice for you.

Good luck

[unicornsarereal72]

Just go Day by day. My ex left 3 years ago now and sadly he still impacts my life with his poor behaviour.

Gather good people around you. They will be happy to listen. You need to keep talking because this doesnt make sense to you. I was the same. I would of done anything for the kids and their dad and wanted to focus on us. We too had a none sleeping child and he had checked out of family life. And had OW lined up.

Go to your GP for support. I know it is early days but anti depressants help me sleep and cope in the early days.

Get legal advice. Discuss child support and work out your finances

And sort out contact for the children. I know how hard this will be but he doesn't get to go off and live his single life free of responsibility. The children need routine and structure.

Communication with him is now business only. And again I know how hard this is. Keep it formal and without emotion. Write it. Sir in it and rewrite it.

Keep a journal of notes pour it out there. And if you feel the urge to off load on him. Write it as a draft and sleep-on it. This has saved my embrassesment a few times over the years.

You know it is going to be ok because what are the alternatives. It is a horrible thing to go through. Be kind to yourself. Remember to eat when you can. You are stronger than you think.

[cptartapp]

If he's a 'wonderful father' to them he'll be asking for 50/50 then won't he.
Has he?