Husband is leaving me and I’m in bits

[Qwincy]

Please help or advise. After a long conversation, my husband has decided to leave me.
We’ve been together 20 years, married for 12 and have 10 yr old Twins.
Things haven’t been right for a while - lack of sex mainly- but we are 100% best friends and have a brilliant life together. Or so I thought. But he now says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and it’s torn me apart, I want to on it but he doesn’t.
This can’t be happening, I’m so lost and upset. Anyone got any tips, advice or just words of wisdom to get me through this.
Xxx

@NC866

It seems like so many women on MN absolutely revel in encouraging strangers to get into a messy and angry divorce and become as bitter as possible. Why can’t a person end a marriage because they have fallen out of love without it making them an awful person who wants to shirk their responsibilities to their kids? I’m unhappy in my marriage and have been thinking about ending it for months but honestly this is why I’m terrified to do it, because I’m petrified of a messy divorce where my kids suffer. I’m not in love anymore though and just plodding on for the sake of the kids and not causing a huge upset. Threads like this make me feel so scared for the future. Combined with real life divorces I’ve seen where it all turns so nasty. OP you can’t control what your soon to be ex does and who knows, maybe he won’t turn out to be as friendly about everything as you hope but you CAN control how you act and I’d urge you not to become bitter and vengeful because of encouragement here. From your husbands perspective it honestly does feel awful to be the one who has fallen out of love. It’s not a fun place to be knowing it’s your fault. It’s sad all round for everyone but it doesn’t need to be made worse with a messy split.

You are not alone 💐

I'm so sorry @Qwincy.
Enlist support from your family or a close friend who you can rely on.
Do normal things including eating, even if you can't face it.
Take advice from here and see a family solicitor without delay.

Come on the support thread on here to vent, it's easier to offload to strangers.

You will get through this, and it will hurt less eventually.

*Unfortunately it does sound as if he has someone else waiting in the wings. That old line about how he loves you but isn't "in love" with you, is a sure sign that he has checked out and has someone else in mind to fill your position.

Yep I've been where you are , and it's hard at first. But it does get better. You need to discuss what is going to happen now . Presumably since he is calling time on the marriage, he should be moving out. Then you can regroup and get on with life. You'll be fine - many women have been in this situation and we're all OK now.*

I have to agree with this. Sorry you are going through this...similar happened to me 2.5 years ago (I found messages to a significantly younger OW from work). He wasn't sure if he still loved me but I was his "best friend", blah, blah. This was before I found the messages, once I did it was almost a relief and I asked him to leave.

That fell apart after a couple of years and I think most of that was because they had caused so much damage that they had to keep it going a while. She wasn't interested in our kids and told him he spend too much time with them, so that's nice.

I have to say though, my ex has been very fair with the house/financial situation so they are not all bastards in that regard. I am still in the family home with our kids and he gives me more than he has to legally to enable me to do so. I know a lot of that is guilt but I'll take that to not disrupt my kids' lives any more.

We haven't started divorce proceedings yet as I intend to never marry or cohabit again, but I did meet someone a year ago who has brought a lot of happiness to my life, while my ex is on gf number two.

We split the kids 60/40 to me and I have come to enjoy my time to myself and with my bf. The kids more recently have been telling me that they don't enjoy going to their dad's so much and would rather be here so although I always tell them that he loves them and wants to spend time with them, I am secretly proud that I have come through this and am not a bad single mum at all. We have our own little team.

We are stronger and more capable than we think op, although it may not seem like it now. Your heart will hurt less and you will see that you can do this. My fierce love and need to protect my kids has got me through and I put all my anger and energy into them. I also took the support from friends and family and talking to a counsellor helped massively. Don't keep it inside.

NC866 it would be great if people left the marriage before shagging their colleague/neighbour/gym buddy (or 'starting' the relationship a few weeks after leaving) but men rarely go to an empty bed so quit with the 'it's awful to be the one that has fallen out of love' bollocks.

If a relationship is truly over move out before you move on.

And I really hope that the OP's husband has packed a bag and left already, peeling the plaster off slowly is cruel.

OP...So sorry, it is a heck of a shock.

The lack of sex is a huge red flag... Men just don't cope well with a sexless life, and the ''I love you but not IN love with you'' is a common phrase husbands trot out.. another one is ''We are like brother and sister''...
I'd not be at all surprised if there is ''another woman'', even if he denies it initially.

It is so painful for the children.

You will survive.. but it hurts like heck.

Villanemme

Explain to him that you are going to be the one moving out and would like access to the children whenever you want until things are put on a more legal footing. Watch his face fall.

Absolutely don't do this, under any circumstances. If you do this, it will be assumed that you a) would be happy to live without your children; and b) you don't need to stay in the family home.

You need to stay put, and with your children, one hundred percent. Your husband might refuse to budge, but in that case you will have to house-share for a while. I've done it, and it's horrible - but better than the alternative.

Why should the men get to swan off and see the kids now and again.

Why can she be Disney mum

@oakleaffy

OP...So sorry, it is a heck of a shock.

The lack of sex is a huge red flag... Men just don't cope well with a sexless life, and the ''I love you but not IN love with you'' is a common phrase husbands trot out.. another one is ''We are like brother and sister''...
I'd not be at all surprised if there is ''another woman'', even if he denies it initially.

It is so painful for the children.

You will survive.. but it hurts like heck.

Sometimes it’s the man not wanting sex and the woman putting up with a sexless life.

So sorry you’re going through this.

He is seeing that other woman or about to. Sorry.

Please do not treat him like an ally. You need to ask him to leave (physically) and start to keep your emotions away from him. He is not your emotional support now and you must, must, must find support elsewhere. Do not let him share your emotional space.

Sorry. But the best thing you can do is kick him out and not let him know what you are thinking or feeling.

He is - despite this - not a bastard and I know he won’t shirk his financial duties

I hope this is the case, I thought it was in my case, but it wasn't. You could try mediation or something for the divorce to try to do it amicably I guess. But don't assume he will be a good guy.

I know someone who persuaded his wife to divorce without a solicitor as he could trust her. He tries to make out he was so generous as he 'gave' her the house, though nothing else, whereas he got the second property, his enormous pension (he's retiring at 55 and planning to buy a better home for himself then), his high flying career (as she has been a stay at home mum to enable his career - he'd never made his own dinner till they split) so he has a huge income, whereas she has no pension, has to ask him for extra money for the kids activities, has to pick up the kids from their school (no public transport), has limited capacity to earn her own money and gets by on minimum wage part-time work. He refused to give her spousal maintenance.
He's a fucking bastard who lauds himself as being 'generous' as she got the house!.

@Qwincy
Of course you will survive!
I remember the shock of my dad saying ''I think your husband is having an affair''..... He {dad} was a bit of a Sherlock, and looked at various clues and the crowning glory was taking a note of the mileometer on husband's car....

Husband denied it, then when confronted with 'evidence' admitted it.

Child/ren suffer the most, of course.
It is tough, as they can play up from distress just as we are feeling floored.

I'm sorry your going through this. I bet you will discover another woman at some stage, but his probably just keeping her away from everything at the moment.
Get all your bills and paperwork together asap and also beware of a change of attitude from him. So many start out amicable but end up being anything but I'm afraid. He may even start turning it around to be all fault especially when he discovers how much this will cost him financially!

Be kind to yourself and your children.

You will get lots of help on this forum as so many people have been through this and it's tough. Stay strong and I hope people you have in real life can also help you thorough it too. I, personally, would be brisk and business like from the get go. That will shake him up , as he'll be expecting you to be the 'reasonable ' one here.
Take care.

I had a marriage that was a friendship and little to eventually no sex.... that's not a marriage its a friendship.... great if both parties have a very low sex drive or none but not if one needs intimacy and sex....

He does. You perhaps don't or currently don't.

My husband suddenly woke up when I ended this type of relationship and wanted to try again. It was too late. Usually people leave it as long as possible and then realise that life is to short to life a half marriage or as a friendship only

Give him time and space and if you really want to try again tell him so and get counselling to help with the lack of sexual drive (this is not important to some but vital to others in a marriage). We are all different and want different things.

Look after yourself. Be as amicable as possible, don't do the take everything route (it leads to lots of problems) be fair to both of you

PS

Not everyone who ends a marriage like this has another man/woman ready.... I didn't I think lots of us just cannot function in a sexless marriage

@SteelyPanther

Indeed - I was the woman putting up with lack of sex. I didn't have a man on the side or one lined up and it isn't true that he necessarily does as many have pointed out. Some men do and some don't.

He may be just like me and got fed up with the lack of sex friendship type marriage. I didn't want just a friend for a marriage.

Men are quite predictable aren't they.

Marriage is a little stale, instead of investing in that relationship and working on it, their head gets turned by a younger girl with no ties, the excitement of being free, with sex on demand.

All a little bit yuck.

Anyway, you will find and inner strength you never knew you had and will get through this. As soon as he sees the stronger don't give a fuck you, he will be back sniffing around.

He wants you to miss him, beg him to stay ... don't

Just wanted to offer you a handhold, OP, from another who’s been in your shoes. My H also told me he loved me but wasn’t in love with me after 20 years together, had what seemed like a total personality transplant, told me a million lies, moved out, and had (at least) an EA with the ubiquitous younger colleague. I wish I’d had all the amazing advice here at the time. Sadly, I didn’t handle it at all well as it was such a hideous and profound shock. I did the pick me dance and all the rest of it, which I utterly regret! With us, after his apparent midlife crisis had passed (or the AP decided she didn’t actually want him once it all became a bit too real 😏), he came slinking back, full of apologies, and stupidly, I let him. We did counselling and are technically still together, but tbh I have realised that I don’t love or even like him any more after what he put me through. I wish I’d had the same confidence and dignity that PP have shown and just washed my hands of him when he turned from the lovely man I married into a selfish, cruel, emotionally constipated, cheating, lying prick. I tell you all this because at the time it happened to me, all I wanted was for him to change his mind/come to his senses and go back to ‘normal’, but it is important to understand that, whatever your emotions are telling you, there is no going back now. Focus on your future and on protecting yourself and your children. There will be happiness in your life again, I promise you, and in time this pain will pass. Wishing you all the very best

I am so sorry you are going through this, but I would ignore the usual Man bashing messages. It seems ppl are more intent to dig out your DH rather than listen to you and be constructive.
Sometimes relations dont work and its no ones fault, people and love change. You will survive and I am sure flourish but obviously this will be a process. I hope you can still remain friends for yourselves as well as for the children.

I hate the get angry mantra on here. Of course you gave a right to feel angry but holding f into anger achieves nothing in the long term
It is possible to be a great dad but still want to exit the marriage
You will both have a lot of things to sort out over the coming months - being angry and adversarial doesn’t help your children in the long term
That’s not to say you bend over backwards for him but trying to work to An outcome that puts your children at the forefront should be desired
In the meantime take time, draw on family and friends around you for support and don’t rush decisions

OP I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I was / in a similar position (although in my case there were no signs - sex was brilliant or so I thought) but I’d just like to pass on what I have learnt in case it’s of any help.

1. It’s true what people have said - he is not your friend. I’m still struggling to comprehend this one - mine has gone from being the most generous loving soul mate to counting favours like telling me how to reset the boiler via text.
2. He has got very difficult over money - he’s a massive earned and I gave up my career. He says he’s had to acquiesce in everything (???) and sees no reason why I should need a house after the DC leave and can then move to a cheaper area.
3. I could go on - I’m still struggling to reconcile the man I loved for 16 years with this heartless stranger. I’m not saying yours will do this but be prepared and protect yourself.

These are the steps I have taken:

1. Legal advice - speak to solicitors to get advice on your position - you can get multiple free hours and see if the advice is the same
2. gather all info relevant as others have said
3. You are not protected financially without a consent order that comes with divorce. This is why I filed for unreasonable behaviour. If you agree between you this does not need to be expensive / we are using amicable and it’s around £3k total for the whole thing. BUT still get advice to make sure you are not short changing yourself. Don’t forget pensions.

4.No fault divorce will be coming in next year btw

1. Regarding the children - I have 3 and the thought of telling them was killing me. I came in here for advice, researched as much as I could, anticipated questions - I made a list of 45 and most came up- happy to share. I won’t lie, it was terrible / but mine are a similar age and they appear to be coping amazingly a month on.
2. Don’t be scared if you have a physical reaction - night sweats, nightmares, uncontrolled crying, dark thoughts - you are in trauma. If you feel like it’s getting too bad you must speak to a friend or family or GP. Be aware that it will hit you in waves.
3. Don’t leave the house - repeat don’t leave the house.

Sorry this is a bit incoherent - I’m a couple of months on (he told me first week of lockdown). The positives I can give you are that you will be amazed by the kindness of friends and strangers. Your children will love you and see you through this.

One final thought - I realised that I validated myself through his opinion. So when he rejected me in all levels - wife, lover, friend - I lost my self worth. But slowly that is coming back.

I’m sorry but I don’t agree with people who moan about it being difficult falling out of love. You had a commitment to each other, you have children. He owed it to you to speak up and tackle your difficulties together. Marriage is not something to be thrown away because of the lure of a shiny new woman. Hold your head up OP -you and the twins deserve better and I hope you get it

had what seemed like a total personality transplant, told me a million lies, moved out, and had (at least) an EA
Yes.
Behaviour (and sex) excused on stress at work - Yes.

Men generally don't leave unless it's for someone else.
Don't try to do the pick me dance.

It sounds like he has had his head turned.
Do these women who get into relationships with married men not realise that someone gets hurt?
What were they thinking?

Sounds like lots of very good advice here, OP

@NC866

It seems like so many women on MN absolutely revel in encouraging strangers to get into a messy and angry divorce and become as bitter as possible. Why can’t a person end a marriage because they have fallen out of love without it making them an awful person who wants to shirk their responsibilities to their kids? I’m unhappy in my marriage and have been thinking about ending it for months but honestly this is why I’m terrified to do it, because I’m petrified of a messy divorce where my kids suffer. I’m not in love anymore though and just plodding on for the sake of the kids and not causing a huge upset. Threads like this make me feel so scared for the future. Combined with real life divorces I’ve seen where it all turns so nasty. OP you can’t control what your soon to be ex does and who knows, maybe he won’t turn out to be as friendly about everything as you hope but you CAN control how you act and I’d urge you not to become bitter and vengeful because of encouragement here. From your husbands perspective it honestly does feel awful to be the one who has fallen out of love. It’s not a fun place to be knowing it’s your fault. It’s sad all round for everyone but it doesn’t need to be made worse with a messy split.

Your status says it all - you are the one wanting to end it so of course you would feel like that . You want it clean and not messy - well of course you do ! The posters on here are being realistic about what often happens. It's not about revenge - it's about getting what you are entitled to .

It’s for the best OP. If you forced him to stay with you he’d just end up having an affair anyway. He’s been honest with you, and would just resent you if you made him stay. Hopefully he’s done the decent thing and got out before starting anything with the younger woman you mention.

Good advice, OP.

Try not to engage with getting all up and angry about him having another woman at the very least until you know he actually has one! There's lots of time for bitterness and i told you so's but it's not constructive now and and still wont be even if/when the time comes comes. And even if there is another woman in the picture it doesn't change the basics:

he wants out - so you do you and the kids now.
he's not your friend. people can change very fast
stay in the house stay with the children
learn your options financially

Lastly - and this might seem daft but it's better to be prepared - gather important documents to hand (you and the kids bank stuff, passports, your driving license, birth cert's, a paper bill with your name and the house address on it, that sort of thing) and maybe some cash in a 'grab bag' (like when you make a hospital bag) in case of a sudden big blow up and you need to temporarily walk out. If you find yourself having to temporarily deal with business from a friend or parents home it's easier to have these bits with you easily.