Husband is leaving me and I’m in bits

[Qwincy]

Please help or advise. After a long conversation, my husband has decided to leave me.
We’ve been together 20 years, married for 12 and have 10 yr old Twins.
Things haven’t been right for a while - lack of sex mainly- but we are 100% best friends and have a brilliant life together. Or so I thought. But he now says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and it’s torn me apart, I want to on it but he doesn’t.
This can’t be happening, I’m so lost and upset. Anyone got any tips, advice or just words of wisdom to get me through this.
Xxx

[Greenkit]

What was his response?

[OhioOhioOhio]

Yay!!! Well done. Really well done.

[MikeUniformMike]

You're amazing @Qwincy. Well done.

[WinterSunglasses]

Some really good advice here. Don't be pushed into anything without thinking is mine. You're right to talk it through with others. I also recommend the Chumplady site.

[FaceOfASpink]

Really well done Qwincy. What you've already achieved is massive. You've had your world pulled from under your feet and you're still standing. Shaken, shocked , scared and upset but still standing. That's awesome.

[fodderbeet]

It's great that you've got people to lean on, it'll be shit but you can take control and do it. Get him away and out of the door to make it easier on yourself. He decided to go, make sure that he does, then decide what you want. It has to be what you happy, not anyone else, good luck on your journey wherever it may take you.
.

[Mum45678]

Well done for being strong. You’ve got this Qwincy. Glad your family are helping too.

[Orphaned]

He's found someone else
That why he's so comfortable walking away
Not just found someone else, but been in that connection long enough to think it will work
Married men don't just walk away from their families without having somewhere first to go
No advice as such, just want you to be prepared for the worst

[Happynow001]

@Qwincy

Thank you.
He is - despite this - not a bastard and I know he won’t shirk his financial duties. He is upset by this too. I will get a solicitor but think I need a little breathing time first to gather myself together. It’s been 8 hours. I need my family to know and then I can lean on them emotionally and practically.
I need to list every bill that goes out of the house and see if I can afford it on my own.
I’ve started to look at child maintenance as a guideline for what I should be receiving.
What does it cost to have a solicitor?

OP speak to your parents or a trusted friend and see if they can recommend a good solicitor who practices in family law/divorce or check the Law Society website:
solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Just plug in the type of service you need (here I think it's family law and relationships) plus your postcode to find the most local ones to you then phone several to get a typical quote. Also ask if they will give you a free 30mins consultation in that call.

Look at what benefits etc you can claim
www.entitledto.co.uk
or
www.turn2us.org.uk

For the child maintenance calculator:
www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Once he's moved out contact your council (you can do that online) and claim your single person council tax discount of 25%.

Good luck and take care of yourself. Lean on friends and family in real life as well as leaning on us here. 🌹

[Fluffycloudland77]

It might be an idea to ask your parents to re-write their wills until you are divorced.

If, god forbid, you inherited before all this is over he’d get half the inheritance. A colleagues parents did this with the understanding her brother would give her half post divorce. Luckily they didn’t need to but they didn’t want her ex dh getting their money.

[InFiveMins]

So sorry OP, this is a horrible situation to be in. heartbreak is horrendous but you WILL recover in time. It feels impossible now, but you will recover from this.

Sadly I do think other posters are right and there will be someone else on the scene. Married men very rarely leave their wives without having another woman waiting in the wings. So just brace yourself for it.

Keep your chin up and keep going, each day the pain will ease.

[Qwincy]

You’d really all such amazing people to reach out to a stranger.
He’s left. We sat the children down and told them that we loved them more than anything but we just don’t love each other enough. They’re inconsolable right now but he’s gone, packed a bag and left. I’ve told him that I’ll get in contact in a few days to see the twins. They need stability right now.
I’ve got parents and brother coming round now.
Tomorrow I’m going to list the finances, sort the council tax and see if I can afford to keep our home.
Thank you all so much x

[workshy44]

The speed of it would suggest another women alright, not that it makes a huge difference now.
I would also second getting finances agreed sooner rather than later while he is still feeling guilty.
You will get over this and move on to a hopefully better life although I can see why that seems so far away now.

[litterbird]

My goodness Qwincy, I am so sorry this must be such an awful shock. Get your ducks in a row my lovely. Its going to be a bumpy ride for a while and things will come out the woodwork that will upset and shock you to the core. Be prepared, tell your friends and family to be prepared to support you through this. Be strong but don't be afraid at times to just feel weak and exhausted. Thats when you bring in your friends and family to take care of you. Your husband will be a total stranger to you now. He will act very differently as he will have a new primary relationship that he will align himself to and re write your history as a couple. You WILL get through this.....I absolutely promise you that from the bottom of my heart xx

[LemmysAceCard]

I feel for you OP, i really do, your heart must be in bits and your head exploded.

I had this last year, been with DP for 20 years, he was distant, didnt talk to me, through various methods found he was having an EA with a mutual friend. I got the I dont love you speech.

But he stayed and we are still together. It was fucking hard, really really hard, my mental health hit the floor and i spent weeks in tears and lived with mistrust and heartache.

I feel for you OP, i really do, my heart broke reading your post as i know what you are going through.

But its an awful cliche but time really is a healer, everyday you will get stronger, just a little bit, wont feel like it at the time, but you will.

I wish you all the best OP.

[TwentyViginti]

Yes the speed certainly suggests he has someone waiting in the wings.

You'll get through this, OP as many women here will testify.

[Techway]

Do you know where he has gone?

I also sorry you are going through this, the speed is shocking for you but he will be ahead of the emotional curve having thought about this for months.

Until you catch up emotionally it will hurt like hell but it does get better. What a foolish man to walk out without trying to fix his marriage.

[Orphaned]

You shouldn't have said you don't love him anymore
Tell them the truth that their dad wants to leave the family home
Why are you taking the blame?

[backseatcookers]

@LemmysAceCard

I feel for you OP, i really do, your heart must be in bits and your head exploded.

I had this last year, been with DP for 20 years, he was distant, didnt talk to me, through various methods found he was having an EA with a mutual friend. I got the I dont love you speech.

But he stayed and we are still together. It was fucking hard, really really hard, my mental health hit the floor and i spent weeks in tears and lived with mistrust and heartache.

I feel for you OP, i really do, my heart broke reading your post as i know what you are going through.

But its an awful cliche but time really is a healer, everyday you will get stronger, just a little bit, wont feel like it at the time, but you will.

I wish you all the best OP.

This makes me so sad, what a betrayal and you're still (understandably) hurting so much. It doesn't seem fair on you at all. Would you advise someone who discovers their partner is having an EA or physical affair to stay? Is it worth it? Do you feel like he would have fought for you if you'd kicked him out and said it was over? You deserve to be loved and be priority.

[doodleygirl]

@Orphaned - perhaps because the OP knows blame doesnt really help anyone and it is so much better for the long term happiness of their children if they can work as a team.

OP Im sorry it is really shit, give yourself some space and time to grieve. Make hot chocolate and cuddle your lovely children. I promise it does get better and life can be pretty amazing again.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

I hope you are ok...or at least that you will be.

My dc were heartbroken when we told them too. The day after I found his messages to the OW and asked him to leave, I made him come back so that we could tell the children together. We also told them that we loved them very much but we weren't making each other happy anymore. The broke my heart - not just seeing my children so distraught but lying to them as I WAS happy for the most part and if he wasn't then he did a very good job of hiding it until his head was turned.

BUT, we have managed to co-parent well and I have never said a bad word about him to the kids. Plenty to other people but never the kids. As far as they are concerned, we are friends. Which I guess we almost are at this point. Almost.

[ilovemydogandMrObama]

Wow, that was fast, but suppose there was no point in dragging it out to the point that you resent each other making it a toxic environment for everyone. Good on him for doing the right thing and leaving.

Get a takeaway, wine.

[The80sweregreat]

I wish you luck , but mostly I hope you get everything you deserve for you and the children.
It'll be hard , but stay in touch on here as there is so much good advice and people that have also gone through it too. They know how you feel and will and can help you.
Stay strong x

[FizzyPink]

Wow OP, you’ve done incredibly well to get him out so quickly. You’ll be in a much better headspace now to get everything sorted and to be there for your children. Really hoping things get better for you soon

[SunshineCake]

@justilou1

Get a solicitor now. Don't kid yourself that it will remain friendly and that he will continue to do the right thing for you and the kids forever. Cover your arses. Now, while he is feeling guilty is the best time to do this legally.

100% this.

Take advantage of him feeling guilty and it could be suggested he wants to be seen to be doing the decent thing. You'll have the dc more so need certain things more than him.

You were a team and now you definitely are not so don't take him at his words take him at his actions but also remember he doesn't get to dictate anything. It isn't for him to give you money and decide what is happening. The law needs to make the decisions.