Husband is leaving me and I’m in bits

[Qwincy]

Please help or advise. After a long conversation, my husband has decided to leave me.
We’ve been together 20 years, married for 12 and have 10 yr old Twins.
Things haven’t been right for a while - lack of sex mainly- but we are 100% best friends and have a brilliant life together. Or so I thought. But he now says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and it’s torn me apart, I want to on it but he doesn’t.
This can’t be happening, I’m so lost and upset. Anyone got any tips, advice or just words of wisdom to get me through this.
Xxx

[HopeMumsnet]

Hi there,
We will close this thread now as it appears to be an old one that has been revived. @Imogen2011 we are terribly sorry you are having such a tough time, perhaps the thing to do is start a new thread so that our lovely MNers can offer you some support? Go to the top of the page and press 'Start new message on this topic' and take it from there.

[EleanorOlephantisjustfine]

I’ve just seen your update. Really pleased for you that you’re doing well.

[DiaryofWimpyMumm]

@Imogen2011

Start a new thread you'll get more support that way.

[toolazytothinkofausername]

Zombie thread alert

[EleanorOlephantisjustfine]

I think you can be fairly sure he’s having an affair with her. Men rarely leave to be on their own.

[Imogen2011]

Hi I wondered if anyone could offer any help, my husband of 13 years has just told me he’s leaving me for someone else he met on fb a few months ago, he said he’s not been happy for a while but I believe he’s been flattered by the attention, I am broken struggling to look after my 3 children and have contemplated ending my life several times over the last week, I can’t bare the thought of him going to someone else, I love him so much ?

[Qwincy]

Thank you, I can’t believe the change in me. I am so much happier, guess I didn’t realise how unhappy my marriage was actually making me. I’m not quite ready for dating yet. But it’s nice to know there are possibilities out there once this divorce is over.

[GotTheWrongBook]

@HarmlessChap
I remember you writing about splitting with your DW and I (with a different username) wished you well.
I’m pleased to hear that you’ve found someone else and you’re happy.
Good on you.

[impossible]

Nice to see you're managing. Things aren't as you planned but it's good that you are able to move on, stay close to your dcs and they to their dad.

Life does throw unexpected horrors from time to time but you are showing your dcs how to move forward when things go wrong. Hope you all have a brilliant 2021.

[Qwincy]

You’re right with involving the children. They need to feel as if they have control over this and not isn’t something that is being done to them, if I can with COVID, I’m going to take them to some house viewings and let them feel they have some input.
I’m so lucky as my grandad has booked and paid for me and the twins to have a summer holiday abroad next year so we have got that to look forward to as well.
Life is definitely brighter, and I’ve realised I can do this and I’m not on my own xx

[houseinthesnow]

Thank you for your update op. You sound so much stronger than before! Keep going, you are over the worst of it now.
Next year keep planning your new start, maybe a holiday. Get the girls involved with your house decoration, it can be done in exactly your taste and to suit you all.
Life is hard, but you are coming through it so very well. Take care

[Qwincy]

Thought I’d update you all.
Life is so much better right now, it’s been incredibly tough but I’m here and feeling so good about my life.
He issued for divorce and whilst unpleasant, it’s given me the detachment to realise we are over. I’m selling my home in The new year and with the spilt equity I should be able to get a nice home that’s just mine and my daughters and I’m looking forward to that.
My daughters are doing so well, I’ve been honest with them from the start and our relationship is actually stronger as we are getting through this together. They see their dad 2 nights a week and are happy with it,
I’ve lost over 2 stone in weight and feeling better about myself, I’ve even had a couple of old friends and an ex message me about meeting up for a date. I’m not ready for that yet, but it’s nice to know there are options out there.

I was so broken and couldn’t see my future beyond being married but everyone was right, time is the best healer and I’m really looking forward to 2021 and a new start.
There’s always going to be ups and downs and I still have a little cry now and then when I feel overwhelmed with the changing in my life path, but I find it easy to pick myself up and get through the day.
Thanks for all your help peeps xxx

[SuperbMonkey]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3959100-Some-Friendly-Words-Support-Group-Part-5

@Qwincy, come along and join us! You might find some comfort to know that you are not alone. We’re all there and working through it as best we can.

[JulesCobb]

He’s telling you, that you don’t love him, as an excuse for his behaviour.
Thats just made me mad too. How dare he Tell You how you feel to justify his actions! He has changed the narrative from he decided to leave, to you both realised you werent in love anymore and decided to break up. Wanker. Dont trust him.

[GreyGreenDoor]

There have been some very long cases on here, and there were stages that lots of people went through in this situation.
Hopefully someone will come and share the link.

It seems impossible to believe it will happen now, but forewarned is forearmed

And I apologise for sounding so mean.

[GreyGreenDoor]

He’s lying, I’m afraid. You know that.
But that’s his fault not yours.
Steel yourself for revelations later and good luck.
Don’t be too kind. Consider yourself and children first and foremost.
He’s telling you, that you don’t love him, as an excuse for his behaviour.
Don’t accommodate him

[Qwincy]

@beautifulshoes

How are you doing *@Qwincy*? Hope you are coping ok .

Up and down, but today is a down 😥
Im getting better as the days pass, starting to plan and think ahead whereas before I couldn’t see beyond the day that I was in.
Staying friends helps but also, I've realised how much I do and have done for him, and if all that isn’t enough then I don’t want him.
Don’t want to waste my time on someone who doesn’t appreciate or value me.

But today it hit me again - he's getting his keys tomorrow for his house and that's like another nail in the coffin of our marriage. And I feel a bit overwhelmed at the thought of being on my own. When the children go to bed is when I feel crappiest.

it’s like a rollercoaster and I’ve just got to accept that for a while But I am slowly getting better x

[beautifulshoes]

How are you doing @Qwincy? Hope you are coping ok .

[Weenurse]

Good luck with solicitor

[Qwincy]

@Ben2c

I am going through the same you are. My wife of 17 years (I’m now 34) said to me one day in May, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore”. Hit me like a steam train. The next day she told me she has been seeing someone else. Had been going on for 6 weeks. Then all the reason why it was my fault emerged eg, attention, we didn’t have sex enough, I didn’t do this, I didn’t do that. Says she has been feeling like this for months but meeting the OM has made her realise she doesn’t want our life anymore. It’s heart breaking and I’m not ashamed to say I spent the first month in tears and my life felt like it was ending. I moved out after 2 weeks and she is still at home with the children. She has seen a solicitor and intends to keep the house, make me put the mortgage and start her new life. Now 3 months down the line is still feel overwhelming sadness everyday and but people around me do say that i have moved on so much. You need to stop fantasising about the good times and put the relationship into perspective. I keep blaming myself and feeling guilty as if it was all my fault but it isn’t. She made the decision to do this. Just like your H, he has made this decision and expects you to live with it. Don’t beg, don’t plead, and certainly don’t apologise. If he doesn’t appreciate you for you and love you as you are, you are better than that and you will find someone better for you.

Great advice. It’s been a week today and I do feel better. I love him and I wish this hadn’t happened to me. But I’m starting to feel better.

We met to talk practicalities and I had things I wanted to say and questions I wanted to ask and I’m glad I asked. I feel as if it is a weight off my chest. And is helping me to accept It is what it is and I can’t change it.

I feel much better for talking to him. I've felt like I've had so many questions to ask him and I've needed to ask them for me to able to process this and begin to move on.

But he's assured me that there is no one else. No one at all and I believe him. He said he simply isn't in love with me and he thinks I feel the same. It's confusing for me to understand the difference between being 'in' love and loving someone, I thought I'd grow old with him, but I know I can't change his mind.

I've felt as if I've done something wrong, I've not been able to understand why he wants to walk away from all that we have but after talking to him, I do feel better and can begin to move on slowly.

This isn't what I want but equally, if he isn't happy then I don't want him to stay with me and be miserable. I love him but clearly he doesn’t love me and I’m learning to accept that and have to move on.

We’re talking and it is ok, he’s found a nearby house to rent and my family have offered to help him find second hand furniture and move in. He is an only child and his parents are older and live far away. He has no other people to help and I want him to have a nice home for our twins to go to.

So today is better, I’m one week down. I know I’ll get through this as every one says. it’s hard, I miss him and it feels lonely but I’ll get there xx

[MsPavlichenko]

It is great you have support, but (from experience) this will not remain at the same level indefinitely. Life goes on. For you, for them. They will continue to help I am sure but other stuff happens, people get older etc so make sure he is doing his share from the start.

It is also good if you have an independent and good relationship with your ILS (whatever he is doing/not doing).

[Ben2c]

I am going through the same you are. My wife of 17 years (I’m now 34) said to me one day in May, “I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore”. Hit me like a steam train. The next day she told me she has been seeing someone else. Had been going on for 6 weeks. Then all the reason why it was my fault emerged eg, attention, we didn’t have sex enough, I didn’t do this, I didn’t do that. Says she has been feeling like this for months but meeting the OM has made her realise she doesn’t want our life anymore. It’s heart breaking and I’m not ashamed to say I spent the first month in tears and my life felt like it was ending. I moved out after 2 weeks and she is still at home with the children. She has seen a solicitor and intends to keep the house, make me put the mortgage and start her new life. Now 3 months down the line is still feel overwhelming sadness everyday and but people around me do say that i have moved on so much. You need to stop fantasising about the good times and put the relationship into perspective. I keep blaming myself and feeling guilty as if it was all my fault but it isn’t. She made the decision to do this. Just like your H, he has made this decision and expects you to live with it. Don’t beg, don’t plead, and certainly don’t apologise. If he doesn’t appreciate you for you and love you as you are, you are better than that and you will find someone better for you.

[Qwincy]

It’s not a lot for me.
I have my parents, grandparents, his parents and they are all going to help me out.
Legal appointment booked for next week X

[MsPavlichenko]

So he is having them two night a week? That's a lot of work for you with twins. Again (and I get you don't want to hear it) you are no longer a team so make sure you put yourself first as he won't. I am not saying you cannot co parent, but it will not be as it has been. Have you got any legal advice?

[Qwincy]

We are setting a structure. He’s going to have them Wednesday and we will alternate the weekends so they have Fri night/Saturday with one of us then Saturday/Sunday with the other.

The children are the most important thing in all of this and they will be fine. We have a close family who are going to support me and my ex so that we can minimise the impact on the twins x