Husband is leaving me and I’m in bits

[Qwincy]

Please help or advise. After a long conversation, my husband has decided to leave me.
We’ve been together 20 years, married for 12 and have 10 yr old Twins.
Things haven’t been right for a while - lack of sex mainly- but we are 100% best friends and have a brilliant life together. Or so I thought. But he now says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and it’s torn me apart, I want to on it but he doesn’t.
This can’t be happening, I’m so lost and upset. Anyone got any tips, advice or just words of wisdom to get me through this.
Xxx

[Qwincy]

Thank you everyone. I’ve never used a forum like this before, but I just needed people to talk to who don’t know us.
I will get organised and make a list.
Look at finances
Speak to family.
Take one hour at a time.

[suggestionsplease1]

You will get through this. Good that you are going to your family for support.

I'd be tempted to call him out on your suspicions ... 'If there is something going on with that colleague from work and you are going to pull that relationship out of the bag in a few weeks or months time, what do you think your children and family are going to think of that? You may have an infatuation now but is that real life or something that you will regret in years to come?'

Now there is a very good chance that this won't do anything to change his mind and it could well be that everything is decided in his head already and that he's had a lot of time to think about this. But it could be a bit of a wake-up call that you've anticipated his moves, and there will be a lot of embarrassment for him regarding that as he will anticipate you discussing this with your friends and family. It may be something that really prompts him to consider future consequences, if he hasn't fully already.

That said, if his heart is not in it then it is best for you not to be in a relationship with him - you deserve more that that, to be with someone who loves and respects you. It would be a half life staying in a relationship with someone that can not bring these things to the table. It will be hard now but in time you will emerge stronger, with a clearer sense of who you are and what you want.

[chatterbugmegastar]

Yes - take one hour at a time - literally one hour. And praise yourself for getting through each hour

It feels like the end of the world now - it IS the end of the world now. But in 6 months you'll be so pleased that you didn't make him try again. Trust me - the pick me dance is so demeaning and makes you curl up inside down the road

Get the finances sorted. See a solicitor. Don't move out of the house as yet , until everything is sorted out - if at all.

Remember that this has happened for a reason which you dont know yet. Once you find out why it's happened - you'll be so pleased it did. I promise.

[mathanxiety]

All you can do is put one foot in front of the other and plod through the days until you come out the other side of this.

It sucks. It is really hard, and your children expect you to be mum all day every day for them no matter how flattened you are by the steam roller that has just run you over.

Ask other people to give you what you need from them. A cup of tea and a hug from a friend. Your mum and dad or your brother beside you when you go to the solicitor, if any of them might be up to the task of listening and taking notes.

Money.

[Lozzerbmc]

I’ve been where you are (but without children). Its devastating I know, you dont want to believe it, dont want to accept it, and it takes time. As others have said take it one step at a time but do see a solicitor. Dont assume he’ll do right thing re finances either dont trust him. He will have someone else they generally do and she is his priority now.

Let your family and friends support you. Eat what you can even a little and take it hour by hour. Dont let it overwhelm you. It does get better and you will survive. I thought i’d never get over it but I did. Use this forum for support

[stellarfox]

Heartbreak is the worst feeling, I’m so sorry. It will take a while but you will process it and get through it. You will become stronger for it and although it’s impossible to think about now, you will move on and I bet you will be better off without him. Make sure you rely on your friends and family in the meantime or it can be really lonely.

To be honest if your partner has told you this colleague has expressed to him she has feelings for him, they have a friendship that is very close which may well have been inappropriate. I don’t know the process exactly but would it help your side in the divorce if you did find any evidence of infidelity? If so it may be worth investigating, although possibly very painful

[okiedokieme]

You will be ok. It's scary but keep talking, plan for the kids needs and ensure you discuss how to make the new reality the best it can be for you all. I've been through this (27 year relationship). Being obstructive, bitter, wanting revenge etc won't get you anywhere and will usually cost lots of money hence the talking and negotiating without lawyers.

I'm really happy 18 months later, waiting for 2 years to file for divorce online which will save £6-8k money I can spend on me!

[justilou1]

Get a solicitor now. Don't kid yourself that it will remain friendly and that he will continue to do the right thing for you and the kids forever. Cover your arses. Now, while he is feeling guilty is the best time to do this legally.

[mathanxiety]

Phone your mortgage company and find out how much equity you have in your house/ how much is owed on the mortgage. Look at local listings to see how much similar houses have recently sold for and are on the market for.

[PicklePig31]

@Qwincy offering a handhold here and echoing what everyone else has said - finances need to be sorted through carefully.

[Villanemme]

Explain to him that you are going to be the one moving out and would like access to the children whenever you want until things are put on a more legal footing. Watch his face fall.

[Qwincy]

That’s the first thing I’m going to do

[OhioOhioOhio]

Villaneme

Excellent idea.

[SteelyPanther]

You need to speak to a family solicitor ASAP.
You may well think you are ‘best friends’ but this is not how best friends behave.
Also, he has had time to prepare for this so could have hidden money or anything.

[Mum45678]

Oh gosh, been there, got the T-shirt. Men are so basic. The younger work colleague was my ‘D’Hs AP and she ‘helped talk him through all his issues ’ even though I’d been asking him for months what was up with him (while also taking care of our two wonderful DDs. I was a SAHM who hadn’t worked for 7 years, our youngest was starting school in months and I had planned to retrain.

Get angry OP. He should have worked with you on your marriage issues. Too many men take the easy way out leaving everyone high and dry in their wake. My XH left and then came back and then left again within a space of two months. My youngest had nightmares for 6 months because she was scared I would leave too. My eldest suffered massive anxiety with it. Don’t play the pick me dance like I did. It prolonged the misery. He wants out, he goes now.

Work out what settlement you want. My ex tried to offer me half our house even though he had a significant salary and didn’t want more than minimal time with our children. Let’s just say that’s not how things worked out. Get a good solicitor pronto. Don’t forgot to ask for maintenance until the children finish their first university degree. Mine told me “I might be with someone else by then”, like it is their responsibility to support our children through Uni .

I know a lot of people insist on splitting custody 50/50 but if he isn’t interested then don’t force it and get an enhanced maintenance payment from him instead. Ask for more than the CMS minimum. My ex only takes our kids one night a week and half the holidays. He is a complete Disney Dad and they have all the screen time they can get. Be their sane parent as Chump Lady says.

If it makes you feel better, I did meet someone younger (and better looking) and he adores my girls. The AP is still around but she can have him

[ilovemydogandMrObama]

@Villanemme

Explain to him that you are going to be the one moving out and would like access to the children whenever you want until things are put on a more legal footing. Watch his face fall.

Great advice - am sure that he has it all planned in his head step by step, and would be surprised if he didn't already have his ducks all in a row.

The fact that effectively he has delivered an, 'ultimatum,' means that he has been thinking about it for a while, and he has been making these plans without you.

You really will be OK.

[crimsonlake]

You are in shock obviously and disbelief even if you knew for some time the marriage was having problems.
Please do not rush to a solicitor, you are too emotionally fragile to be making important decisions.
However I would asap as in today even though you wont feel up to it start collecting all the financial details you can find and make copies of them. Joint bank accounts, savings, pensions etc etc make copies of statements etc. I hope you have access to passwords.

[Candyfloss99]

It sounds like the relationship had turned in to you just being friends. It's for the best that he's left.

[Fluffycloudland77]

@justilou1

Get a solicitor now. Don't kid yourself that it will remain friendly and that he will continue to do the right thing for you and the kids forever. Cover your arses. Now, while he is feeling guilty is the best time to do this legally.

Yy to this. Keep everything legal. He’s not on your side anymore.

He actively chose to do this. I’d get an sti check too, just to be on the safe side.

Don’t budge over anything, no feeling sorry for him if maintenance etc leaves him short, this was all his doing.

[Standrewsschool]

Quincy - sending hugs to you.

Although ‘nothing has happened’, it sounds like his head has been turned, maybe into an emotional affair. Men often perceive that if nothing physical has happened, it’s not an affair. They haven’t cheated as such.

[NC866]

OP I’m sorry this is happening but you will come through this and find happiness again. Unfortunately not all relationships last forever and people fall out of love. It feels like on MN a man can never do right though if he wants to leave his marriage, he’s a bastard whatever he does. It sounds like he’s probably been thinking about this for a while and has been honest with you about how he feels now - to be honest, a flirtation with a work colleague is kind of irrelevant, maybe it gave him the push to face up to his feelings but that is human nature. We plod along sometimes in relationships knowing we’re not that happy and sometimes something or someone gives us the push to end it. It doesn’t mean he’s had an affair. If I were you I’d try to appreciate that he’s come to you and told you how he feels and now work on sorting things out as amicably as possible for the sake of your kids. I’ve seen break ups that are full of bitterness and nastiness on one or both sides and it is so damaging to children. As sad as it feels for you now if he isn’t in love with you anymore then you both need to move on and trust that in time you will be better off and find love again.

[Qwincy]

Thank you.
He is - despite this - not a bastard and I know he won’t shirk his financial duties. He is upset by this too. I will get a solicitor but think I need a little breathing time first to gather myself together. It’s been 8 hours. I need my family to know and then I can lean on them emotionally and practically.
I need to list every bill that goes out of the house and see if I can afford it on my own.
I’ve started to look at child maintenance as a guideline for what I should be receiving.
What does it cost to have a solicitor?

[NC866]

No, don’t “get angry” as someone above has told you to do. This will achieve nothing except hurting yourself and your kids. Don’t turn this into a war.

[NC866]

If it’s only been 8 hours you’re obviously in shock and it’ll take time for that to settle. Talk to your family and give yourself a bit of time. Don’t rush anything. Think about how you’d like life to look in 5 years time - it’ll be different to how you thought but ideally surely you’d like to be happy with a good co-parenting relationship and happy, well adjusted children who feel loved and safe. Keep this at the forefront of all your decisions.

[CiderJolly]

I would suggest to him, calmly, that he needs to take his things and move out as soon as possible. Get a Child Maintenance calculation done online and access arranged for the children too.

He needs to feel the reality of what he is choosing.

Then, even if you don’t feel like it, take the time at the wknd when he has the kids to so something nice for yourself. New hobby? Hiking? Meal out with friends?

It hurts but I would put on a brave face and start as you mean to go on.