Husband is leaving me and I’m in bits

[Qwincy]

Please help or advise. After a long conversation, my husband has decided to leave me.
We’ve been together 20 years, married for 12 and have 10 yr old Twins.
Things haven’t been right for a while - lack of sex mainly- but we are 100% best friends and have a brilliant life together. Or so I thought. But he now says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and it’s torn me apart, I want to on it but he doesn’t.
This can’t be happening, I’m so lost and upset. Anyone got any tips, advice or just words of wisdom to get me through this.
Xxx

Please, please ensure he has your children 50% of the time. Don't let him waltz off to a shiny new life with a shiny new younger model and swoop in to play Disney dad every other weekend. He has to do the drudge work too - as much of it as you do. I HATE men who do this to women during the child-rearing years. i despise it more than anything else. Treating the boring, groundhog day of this stage of life as though it's somehow their wife's fault. As though it's your job to skip around keeping life shiny, fun and exciting for him.

Just wading in with a hand hold, rather than practical advice.

I've been there - my husband, my best friend in the world telling me he no longer loved me and was leaving. In my case we'd had a 'dry run' six months' earlier, when he'd said he was going but then broke down and said he loved me and couldn't leave, but it had killed a little bit of my complacency in our relationship already, so I was more prepared when it did end.

You WILL be all right. It will take time, you are in deep shock at the moment. Harden your heart, turn to your friends and family, he is no longer your friend. He doesn't have to be your enemy, but prepare for the feelings to hit again just as you are beginning to recover, when he reveals his 'new love' that he just happened to meet almost immediately after you parted.

That hurts like a bitch.

Deep breaths, take care of yourself, cry as often and as much as you need to. And talk. Talk to everyone about what happened - it helped me to offload (and also having plenty of friends, so when one glazes over you can move to the next, they don't mind!).

Hello, OP. It is a lot to take in and manage and even harder to think about a future. Give yourself a day to wallow and feel sorry for yourself but after that, try and focus on practicalities and be as pragmatic as you can. He no longer wants to be with you so you need to tell yourself over and over that you deserve to be with someone who does and who is prepared to put you first. Do this with dignity and park your bottom firmly up there on the moral high ground. Be aware of the reel in/cast aside game people in your husband’s position play - he will need to feel that he can come back if he wants to. As a result, he will change his tune every time he feels you might be slipping away - and as soon as you fall for it, he will cast you aside again. It is very damaging emotionally. If you can get your head round him having gone and shift into rebuild mode, you will find it is harder for him to mess with your head. Keep,talking. Lots of us have been there and are here to hand hold.

You said that the children don't know yet. One of the best things that I did at this stage was to go to a Relate session with my DH. Not to try to work things out, but to talk through how best to tell the children. It really was invaluable.

Ah I am so so sorry - how hard and incredibly difficult for you. I agree that it sounds as though there may be another woman somewhere in there, but what matters at the moment is you. Get all the help you can from all the friends and family you can muster. When the initial
shock wave is over - get your ducks in a row and make sure you are in the best possible financially protected position.
You will be OK though it will be hard to see that now - you just have to trust in it for you and your twins.

I do not have any advice as I have not been in in this situation myself. That said, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how difficult it is. I do think these things end up working out for the best, sometimes horrible things happen as a blessing in disguise. You'll probably be amazed by where you will be in a years time, but for now just take it day by day. Sending love and hugs.

I did a quick mental reckoning and excluding my parents generation, a very high % of people I know have gone through a split like this at some point.

I would say that within a few years they had re-established themselves. They were happy, had sorted out work and finances as best they could and their kids were happy. Of course there a few scars but those are to be expected in life.

It’s bad now but you will be happy, you will be secure and you will have a future. So will your children.

And if it helps none are in the family home.

Don’t tell him you’re seeing a solicitor. If there is another woman, she will start to get protective of what she perceives to be her assets. Just keep your kids in mind and protect yourselves.

I am sorry you are going through this OP it is really shit, but you can get through this and co-parent together really well. Your DC can still have a great life and two brilliant parents, it does not have to be bitter and angry but it is up to both you and your husband to make this happen. I would suggest mediation, this can be really helpful when dealing with issues such as child contact, maintenance etc and it helps build a framework for future discussions.

My advise would be to try and find a way through this that works for you both and the children, your husband is leaving the marriage and not walking away from your DC as someone has suggested.

My first marriage split up when my DD was 9 months and she is now 26. My ex and I managed to co-parent well and my DD had a great childhood and is now a successful adult - it wasnt always easy at times but we both believed her happiness and well being was the most important thing and we managed to deal with our differences.

Good luck OP I know it is really hard but I really believe what you both do next will be hugely important for your children and your future as co-parents.

Life can be really really good post divorce especially if you dont get eaten up by bitteness and anger.

This happens to many people and it is actually very common . However for some reason we never think it will happen to us . You will be in shock about the loss of a future you thought you had - however

1. if you have any joint savings get the bank to freeze them . I found out after the event that my husband had been taking money bit by bit from our accounts over the preceding months
2. Do not take equity in your house as opposed to getting a pension share . It is actually better for you to move to a new place - to sever the ties .
3. See a couple of solicitors ( online currently? ) for a free 30 min session in the next couple of weeks . You will get ideas from each and you will get a feel for one as opposed to another .
4. Yes file for divorce . I did and my husband had to pay all those costs by the judge .

Be prepared not only for another woman to come crawling out of the woodwork, but also for him to change. You say he’s not a bastard, but sadly it’s likely he is. It’s likely he’s cheated on you and he’s definitely trashed your family unit. All the upset coming out on his part is most likely guilt. And whilst you think that he’d always prioritise the kids, this is clearly not the case. He’s prioritised getting his ego stroked by a manipulative colleague. Let’s not pretend she doesn’t know he’s married with kids either.

You will get through it though.

Yes. He is not the man you think he is. He isn’t even the man he thinks he is. He won’t behave as the man you know - so get ready for that.

Deep Breath. You can do it. You can get through this. But he is not your friend.

Finances. Make sure you have money.

You don’t need to tell the world but you should tell a few people.

Sorry you’re going through this
You will get through this and the pain of heartbreak will get less over time.

I first posted last year as out of the blue my DH told me he loved me but wasn’t in love with me. I couldn’t understand it all, I thought we were happy and he had never said or acted otherwise. I posted on here and had a lot of responses telling me he was seeing someone else, and it would all come out. I was shocked at the angry responses- I trusted my DH 100%, he was not that sort of guy! I was almost offended that people said those things.
A week later they were all 100% right, he did have an OW for 3 months the full lot-hotels, dates, gifts. And I had to find out bit by bit, he didn’t offer up the full story (it seems they all minimise it). I had to push to find out exactly what I love you but I’m not in love with you means.
The advice on here got me through and made me see things how they really were. It was like he was trying to make me think we were both making a decision together to split when actually he was cheating with a younger colleague.
We did get back together, I didn’t do the pick me dance btw and still not sure if it’s to last) but at the time I had to stop seeing him as a friend as it almost made me feel sorry for him at times.
Focus on you and looking to the future not him and what he’s feeling. You might find out more, or It could just be a coincidence about the messages you found but the advice on here to be prepared for more to come out is good advice.

Do these women who get into relationships with married men not realise that someone gets hurt?
What were they thinking?

They realise.
They just don't care.

The ''Other Woman'' {I was 27, she was 42!} said to a colleague ''All's fair in love and war..It was done to me, she'll get over it''

Complete selfishness.

However, they also forget the old saw ''When a woman marries her married lover, she creates a vacancy''

If he was unfaithful with his wife, he surely will be unfaithful with the 'other woman' too.

NC866
"It seems like so many women on MN absolutely revel in encouraging strangers to get into a messy and angry divorce and become as bitter as possible. Why can’t a person end a marriage because they have fallen out of love without it making them an awful person who wants to shirk their responsibilities to their kids? I’m unhappy in my marriage and have been thinking about ending it for months but honestly this is why I’m terrified to do it, because I’m petrified of a messy divorce where my kids suffer. I’m not in love anymore though and just plodding on for the sake of the kids and not causing a huge upset. Threads like this make me feel so scared for the future. Combined with real life divorces I’ve seen where it all turns so nasty. OP you can’t control what your soon to be ex does and who knows, maybe he won’t turn out to be as friendly about everything as you hope but you CAN control how you act and I’d urge you not to become bitter and vengeful because of encouragement here. From your husbands perspective it honestly does feel awful to be the one who has fallen out of love. It’s not a fun place to be knowing it’s your fault. It’s sad all round for everyone but it doesn’t need to be made worse with a messy split."

This totally. There are so many bitter, vengeful people. My ex and I managed an amicable, fair split. My eldest son said he was so proud of us both for the way we were to each other (no sniping comments about each other/no waging wars). He said so many of his friends parents drag their children into their adult battles and it is so damaging. Ignore the spiteful ones. Be honest, be fair, get legal advice and not descent into the name calling that so many on MN seem to do. Some are so very bitter about men. Remember all men are not the same and neither are all women.

Q

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. You've had really good advice. I think like others he has had at least an emotional affair. It would be good to have a calm conversation about it if possible.

@MoreListeningLessChatting

He might have fallen out of love with OP and it’s the end of the road. Fair enough.

He might have OW, nobody knows that, even OP.

There were so many threads in here about this very subject where DH or DP swore on his children’s lives there’s nobody else only to be found lying through their teeth.

So many times women like OP were left penniless because they trusted their partner/husband.

Nobody knows what the circumstances are so it’s advised to proceed with caution and protect yourself.Just in case “D”H or P disappears into the sunset with all the money without a Backwards glance what his kids are going to eat/what to wear and where to live.

No moral highground if there’s a possibility your partner might screw you over.

Just to clarify, I meant get angry to propel herself forward and get a good deal to protect her children. You can end a marriage gracefully and with kindness towards the other person. How I wish my ex had chosen that instead of how he ended our marriage. My ex left me with PTSD from his gaslighting and blameshifting (4000 word email telling me everything I’d done wrong and justifying his affair). I was age appropriately honest with my children and did everything I could to protect them from the fallout. I was the one who picked up the pieces. He was off being his ‘best self’ (his words) popping into play fun Dad.

I really hope it’s not like that for the OP. People with children should work on their marriages if they are not happy and then if things aren’t working, they should end them with thought and consideration. They shouldn’t go and start a new relationship before ending their marriage.

So many times women like OP were left penniless because they trusted their partner/husband.

^THIS is why posters urge OP not to see her husband as a friend who will do right by her and the DC once he's left and living the single life.

@NC866 - So where you are :(

I don’t want to hijack but answer this - @oakleaffy I think you’re right... I was regrettably once an “OW” with my boss (not an affair, but he played the whole “we don’t have sex, we’re just together for the kids” bullshit) and I will tell you at the time I didn’t care about her feelings.

I had looked her up on social media & made unfair judgements about her & what “type” of person she was, based upon what I saw.

He had young children but as he was whinging about how unhappy he was, I encouraged him to leave sooner, not later so they could adapt more easily while they were still young.

I tend to think when it’s a colleague - they often have no kids & career focused, so look down on SAHPs & Pity them. Not that this can only happen to SAHPs of course !

I think people really need to not rule the OP up into making this a battle - people are allowed to leave relationships if they’re not happy. Yes we should work on a marriage, but what if you “know” you’re not going to get those feelings back & feel it’s better for both parties to rip the bandaid off & separate amicably? It doesn’t make you an evil person. anybody is allowed to leave a relationship if they don’t want to be in it anymore.

The shock is the worst OP, please give yourself permission to not feel ok right now. You’ve had a terrible shock & this will take a little bit of time to sink in & to adjust to. It’s good you have a supportive family, to be around people who have your back.

Also let’s not denigrate this bloke & day he will fail his children, we don’t know that yet & this will upset the OP. She is getting her financial affairs in order, there is no need to be negative & make her worry about her kids unnecessarily when she says he is a good father.

Wow. So much support and advice here. Thank you.
I’ve been to see my parents and my brother came round. I cried and cried and they’ve given me a lot of support and advice too.
I’ve come home and told him that I love him but this cannot continue and he has to leave. If he can’t see any way at all
In which we can be a couple again then he has to go. I’ve asked for a list of his expenditures regarding bills and mortgage - I already pay half - so I can see whether I can keep the house going by taking on extra work xx

Once you know all the financial details (with proof) you need independent advice on how much he'll need to contribute, and if you are entitled to any benefits once you up your hours at work.

And don't let him want to try again if you have any inkling at all he is still over friendly with his 'work pal'.