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Dating thread 161: (Can anybody find me) somebody to love..?

(1000 Posts)
Sunshineandflipflops Wed 05-Jun-19 13:16:40

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps

lifegoes Wed 05-Jun-19 13:18:28

Awww love the title. Book marking

JeSuisPrest Wed 05-Jun-19 13:18:53

Nice title Sunshine grin

LilyRose88 Wed 05-Jun-19 13:21:07

Stealth maybe he is waiting outside so you don't have to go in on your own, not realising that you are already inside!

Nice title Sunshine and yes please could somebody find me somebody to love grin.

Eesha Wed 05-Jun-19 13:23:53

Thanks Sunshine!

@lifegoes that was a really interesting post about anxiety. My FWB has ADHD and anxiety too, but I think he comes across very coolly at times. He seemed surprised when I mentioned it, like he is trying super hard to keep these things under control. He says with me, he doesn't overthink us, just that I make him happy and vice versa. To me that sounds a bit simplistic but after reading your post, I think perhaps having a stress free FWB relationship is something new to him. Not sure if I'm making myself very clear here but gave me a different perspective on what anxious people may think.

lifegoes Wed 05-Jun-19 13:39:52

@Eesha I think it's a great positive if they don't overthink it. It's a huge nod at you and how you make them feel. That's lovely that you can make them feel like that.

I will say anxiety hits people differently. I suffered from it for years and I thought everyone just over thought like me. Needed a full rational reason why someone said/did something. Why in that tone to the point I thought I knew what they were thinking.

Until the GP told me they didn't. Therapy and meds helped so much.

mumhasanicebum Wed 05-Jun-19 13:55:01

Just started talking to someone who is new to OLD and he seems really nice and genuine. He lives in the next estate from me and is 100% my type looks wise. Just exchanged numbers so fingers crossed.

Crustaceans Wed 05-Jun-19 13:56:04

@StealthNinjaMum I hope he came in!

I see 'red flags' as potential warning signs of danger.

This is my take on it. Rather than things I’m just not keen on, a red flag is a warning sign that I’m dealing with a scary, abusive person.

For example, years ago I was briefly seeing someone. He decided to introduce me to his wider friendship group (I’d already met his best friend). So we all went out to a pub and then a club. After a few drinks he got really possessive and paranoid and started accusing me of cheating on him with his best friend. It was quite scary and I left (actually, his best friend had to help me to make sure I left and got into a taxi). The guy then turned up at my flat several times trying to persuade me to let him in and wouldn’t go away. There were several red flags there and I’m certain that continuing to go out with him would have led to bruises or worse.

SimonJT Wed 05-Jun-19 13:57:01

MH issues do scare lots of people, it is one those awkward things that you do feel you have to hide.

MrNoName is at my work tomorrow (we work in the same industry but different company) as a private contract, that’ll be weird. We’re going to his for lunch again on thursday as well, that’ll be seeing each other three days in a row. FWB is away until September with only a few short stays in the UK inbetween, so not sure when I’ll next see him properly.

mumhasanicebum Wed 05-Jun-19 14:01:14

My ex had plenty of red flags at the start, but I didn't see them, as he was also very charismatic. He didn't turn full psycho until we lived together and started abusing me mentally, emotionally and hitting my 3 year old. He blamed bad behaviour on his PTSD or Aspergers (as he just didn't get emotions). he love bombed me, promised the world, always in contact. It turned into me leaving, being stalked, harassed and having to get the police involved. Everyone should be educated what red flags there are out there and how to spot them. I wish I had.

Crustaceans Wed 05-Jun-19 14:12:34

Sometimes they’re easier to spot than others.

The scary guy I described: it should have been obvious to just about anyone that they need to run for the hills. In fact, his friend basically encouraged me to do so.

My ex: not so easy. In hindsight, possibly. But even then, I’m not sure it would have been easy for anyone to spot until it was too late.

lifegoes Wed 05-Jun-19 14:17:02

@Crustaceans absolutely agree on the red flags.

@mumhasanicebum I've had two abusive relationships in my time. One physical which lasted years and one mental which lasted months. The second was worse than the first because he was a narcissist - these are known for suffering MH issues anyway.

@SimonJT and I think it's a shame that in this day and age people are scared and that we have to hide it.

mumhasanicebum Wed 05-Jun-19 14:26:04

@lifegoes mine was a classic narcist and he has changed me forever from the person I was before. I am stronger because of it though. The wounds he made, even though not physical have taken a long time to heal and I don't think they ever will completely. I'm hoping I find a normal one this time lol

lifegoes Wed 05-Jun-19 14:36:48

Can totally relate to that @mumhasanicebum i always say he broke me. I've never been so broken in my life. I didn't even know who I was after. Like you, i am stronger now but there's so much damage left, you never get over it.

I actually have so much hate for him as he gets to live a normal happy life and I'm left always with the damage.

So here's to us finding a good one. I think we both deserve it 😘

Lovemusic33 Wed 05-Jun-19 14:42:15

Place marking.

midcenturylegs Wed 05-Jun-19 14:45:42

Placemarking too..

handheldneeded87 Wed 05-Jun-19 14:53:58

@lifegoes I hope you find a good one too and yes we really do deserve it. Yes its frustrating knowing they just go onto their next victim and never get hurt. They are con men though and I would hate to live such a shallow existence in my life, It's pathetic.

shitwithsugaron Wed 05-Jun-19 15:11:38

Placemarking to catch up after work smile

Ant330 Wed 05-Jun-19 15:59:00

You do all deserve a good one, you're a good bunch on here and don't deserve the crap you've been through.
I'd like to say that you need to choose better, but as one of my friends recently described my stbxw as a sociopath I'd just be a bloke in a glass house lobbing stones at you wink

lifegoes Wed 05-Jun-19 16:04:08

@Ant330 hindsight is a wonderful thing.😂😂

Ant330 Wed 05-Jun-19 16:12:44

Isn't it just!!!!!

Marlboroandmalbec34 Wed 05-Jun-19 16:19:32

sunshine great title!

shitwith oh that text would upset me. Hope your chat goes well. I am rooting for you and bookworm

Red flags for me: angry responses to normal things, always drinking, doesn’t see kids, calls ex a psycho. I have lots of other things I don’t want in. Man BUT a red flag to me is a sign of a abuser

I had a lovely (quite romantic) evening with Mr Big. It seems I cannot fade him so am just gonna accept it for what it is (FWB) and keep swiping/ dating.

Notcoolmum Wed 05-Jun-19 16:56:49

Well the last 2 titles have been spot on for predicting my relationship. So I'm hoping this one means I will find someone to love 🙈😂

Misty9 Wed 05-Jun-19 17:02:11

Can I tentatively join you as I contemplate dipping a toe into the world of dating? Split with ex 3 months ago and he's just told me in no uncertain terms that he's happier without me shock grin so time to move on (I didn't want to get back together either). But I haven't dared for over 10 years! I did have a look on bumble but couldn't figure out how it worked... can they see if you tick their profile?

supercali77 Wed 05-Jun-19 17:11:07

Place marking! Thanks for the thread.

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