Dating thread 161: (Can anybody find me) somebody to love..?

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Thank you lifegoes that's really helpful. Now I need to pluck up the courage to post a profile... I met my ex on OLD.. to be honest, his response helps me feel less guilty for being the one to finally pull the plug on our marriage.

I'd rather meet people in real life too but the one evening I've been out the bars were full of CHILDREN ! well they looked young enough to be my children anyway...

Welcome misty you have come to the right place!

Thanks everyone who commented on my post from the last thread. I arrived 15 minutes early so sat in the pub. Mr Smile appeared shortly afterwards and sat in his car and was eventually 10 minutes late. There was no wifi or reception so he didn't get my message I'd arrived and it just seemed odd that he sat in a car for 20 minutes. (I had my feet up with a book and drink and just assumed he'd come in)

Anyway he was nice but there wasn't enough spark. I felt a bit guilty as when I got back to an area with reception I'd had a message from Mr Runner saying he couldn't wait til Saturday to see me. I don't think I'll do multiple dating again.

I think I suffer from anxiety and have done for years. Only now am I realising. I thought it was normal to overthink everything. I'll be driving to work and I'll cringe over something that happened 20 years ago. I've been waking in the night worrying and waking up then in the morning with full on butterflies. Have made an appointment with my doctor (4 weeks wait- what a joke). I started on the pill 8 weeks ago so I don't think this has helped plus some side effects from it. Ring sexual health to arrange getting coil, all appointments in June gone so have to ring back Friday for July appointments. Just going to stop the pill. Bleed for 6 weeks- fed up. Although it has made my non existent boobs grow a bit 🤣

Interesting conversation on red flags. I'm glad this thread and the mumsnet relationships board exist to educate people about these things. and a big thanks to those of you who have experienced narcissists and abusers and share your experiences to help the rest of us. I am much better at asserting boundaries and spotting poor behaviour thanks to you.

@Lillyrose19 I honestly thought it was normal to overthink.

I would worry over things I had said year ago, couldn't sleep. Convince myself that's why someone was "off" with me. Really worry about what people thought. Convince myself the reason why. Over analyse everything to the point i couldn't eat or sleep with worry. That's anxiety!

It's shocking the wait at GP's now for anything like this. Once I seen the GP tho they were lovely. Couldn't have helped more.

@StealthNinjaMum it's been a huge eye opener for me all of MN

I remember still being with Mr fucking narcissist and joining MN. My first post was about how I was sure he wasn't interested in me anymore and I didn't know what to do. I remember posting about all I had done for him and how he treated me.

Over 200 posts all commenting on how he was a narcissist and to get out why I could. How he was destroying me, I was expecting people to respond and say I was overreacting. And from there whilst it still went on for a few weeks after. It then ended.

It's thanks to MN I got out of that. It's thanks to MN I got through it and it's thanks to these threads that helped me move on.

shitwithsugaron thanks. I have felt lots of anxiety between dates with Mr Runner but when we meet up it is amazing so I am looking forward to the weekend. I have been overthinking things but I'm more relaxed now.

Hope you have a good conversation with Mr B tomorrow about his recent comments, it's lovely to see people in happy relationships.

It's thanks to MN I got out of that. It's thanks to MN I got through it and it's thanks to these threads that helped me move on.

I feel similarly about my ex. Reading MN threads (and occasionally starting my own) helped me to properly understand that (a) it really wasn't me and (b) his behaviour was abusive. It's so easy to rationalise things to yourself, or to blame yourself (especially when they're so keen to blame you). And it takes time to properly comprehend that this terrible shit is actually happening to you, and then to do something about it.

I remember confronting my ex about his sexual abuse. MN threads gave me the certainty to be able to say to him, 'No. You raped me. Several times.' And not to be dissuaded by all his bullshit. He, of course, refuses to accept it to this day because 'rapist' does not fit with his sense of himself as some sort of perfect god-like figure. It was also from MN that I truly realised that I could not go back to counselling with that man, because he'd only use it to further erode my self-esteem.

MNers are the best except when they're insisting that it's reasonable to refuse to let people use the toilet 😂.

Glad he finally decided to come in @StealthNinjaMum. I don't think I'd be cut out for multi-dating. It seems like too much work (and I'm lazy). It's nice that Mr Runner is so keen to see you again.

lifegoes I'm sopleased you got out of it and are here sharing your experiences.

There's a thread at the moment called 'am I overreacting?' and Every Single Time someone uses that phrase it's heartbreaking because they're always being abused and just don't realise it. I know it can be a bit of a joke to say one is a mumsnetter but mumsnet must have empowered thousands of women to leave bad situations - both posters and lurkers.

crustaceans I'm so sorry that you had that terrible experience.

@Crustaceans that's so awful to hear you went through that. But can I just say how amazing you are, I don't know you are the full story. But the fact you are on this thread, getting back out there and supporting others is a true testament to your character and who you are. Amazing strong person!!

I def agree with how they won't accept they did anything wrong, because that's not who they betray themselves to be in public.

@StealthNinjaMum I often see those. I always try and comment on them or ones where they are blatantly being used and controlled. I can see my story in half of them and it hurts watching them as I can feel their pain and understand why they can't see it. They convince themselves it's normal or they are to blame.

Don't know you OR the full story that should say @Crustaceans

Thanks both. I am very glad to be where I am today (and not where I used to be). And I had some amazing support on MN (including from @shitwithsugaron) to help me to get here.

The amazing thing is that I have come so far that I’m able to share details like that. And I think it’s important to. After all, if all those many, many other women hadn’t shared their experience (and supported others in similar situations) then I might still be stuck thinking it must actually be me.

@lifegoes. I think my ex can’t even admit it to himself. If he really thought about who he is and what he’s done, his entire sense of self would shatter. His capacity for self-delusion is incredible. And, in fact, that’s what makes him such a brilliant gaslighter; he actually believes his own shit.

In lighter news, it’s DS1’s birthday. So that’s been fun. I took him out for a fancy lunch (without a 9 year old who can’t eat gluten and refuses to eat much more besides it to spoil the fun).

@Crustaceans oh I get that! Whilst mine is very different to yours. He was awful just awful and a full narcissist, love bombed, jealously. Controlled every inch of my life. Had me in tears and would laugh, I changed who I was for him. I honestly went from feeling on top of the world in love with him. To feeling not good enough/worthy/paranoid/scared to even be on WA because if he seen I'd have to send screenshots of who I was talking to. He utterly broke my heart. And then I found out he was actually still happily married.

He still to this day, doesn't think he's done anything wrong to me. Thinks what he did was fine and I'm a nutjob who tried to ruin his little boys life by asking his wife if they were still married. Haha.

I pity her as she's still with him.

In other news Mr Humm is proving to be ok, I keep getting a few doubts about him. But he hasn't actually done anything wrong. It's really just me preparing myself for when he does.

We are meeting up next week, we are both away this weekend so should be interesting to see what happens after that. (See I'm expecting him to drop off after his weekend)

So I signed up to bumble but you can't actually do anything unless you pay from what I can see? I thought it was a free one. Are any of them free? I suppose it's the cost of a night out...!

@lifegoes I’m so glad you’re not with him. It’s amazing how far you’ve come from that awful situation.

Don’t borrow trouble with Mr Humm. It’s so tempting to anticipate it all going wrong, but I think that can sometimes make it go wrong. There’s a balance between not over- investing and deciding it’s a lost cause before you start.

Thanks @shitwithsugaron. 😊 We’ve both come a long, long way.

You’re right; last year was a big birthday for him. This year was less exciting, but it’s nice to take him for lunch. It’s a shame he’s one of those puritanical Millennials 😂, so we couldn’t share a bottle of wine to celebrate. He had a pot of tea instead.

So much has happened in the last year. I don’t think I’d have believed it would turn out this way this time last year.

@Misty9 no it's free. You set your account up and area in settings and just start swiping on the men

Bumble is free as far as I know. There are additional paid for options, but you can swipe and message away without coughing up any money.

Thank you @Crustaceans yeah my last date from OLD was a liar also. So these both things kind of make you wary of why they are telling you. It's like I'm looking for red flags that aren't there 😂. But I'm just going to see how it goes.

Hi everyone! Just beginning to put myself out there (probably too soon) Just over a year out of a 10 year marriage, have lots of kids so any dating will be very separate, potential date next Tuesday with what seems to be a very very decent guy, hoping we get on even half as well as we do in chats, a few other chats going but not too sure if I want to meet any of them or not! Anyway, I’ll be learning from everyone else as it has been quite a while so hi :)