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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 161: (Can anybody find me) somebody to love..?

999 replies

Sunshineandflipflops · 05/06/2019 13:16

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

  1. Develop a thick skin.
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  4. Trust your gut instinct.
  5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  7. If it's not fun, stop.
  8. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

OP posts:
NotAProperGrownUp · 18/06/2019 09:20

Hello, can I join in? I’m only 4 months post-separation from a long, long marriage so am probably nine tenths crazy still. However, I’m setting about reclaiming my life. I had a dabble in online dating and settled on bumble (match reminded me of the photo lists of sex offenders I get sent for work 😂). I freaked out and deleted my account but have maintained a very lovely WhatsApp conversation with one guy. We’ve spoken in the phone a couple of times and are meeting on Thursday for a few drinks. I’m enjoying myself but also wary - I know I’m vulnerable in many ways and don’t really know what I want going forward, just trying to enjoy it as it unfolds or doesn’t!

Crustaceans · 18/06/2019 09:20

I’m also in no way shocked by @Sunshineandflipflops’s weekend update. I don’t think even asda’s Unicorn pants would have stopped you there. 😂

@Splendidsun I’d find out what he was doing last night. He might have been out with work or friends or something. That said, messaging habits can tell you a lot. I’m often really useless with messaging, although (interestingly) not with MrSG. I always reply to him reasonably quickly (not even consciously). It might take me days to respond to my mother (for example) but I always want to communicate with him.

On dumping... I guess it depends on how long it’s been etc. After one date, a message is totally fine. But you wouldn’t end a 15 year relationship that way (unless you’re spectacularly horrible). There’s obviously a lot of space in between those two options, however. 😆

I know you have decided what to do about your MrMuchMoreMarriedThanHeClaims, @Savoretti. But they aren’t always lying when they say they’re separated but still stuck in the same house. I was in that situation when I met MrSG and so was he. We were both definitely not being loose with the truth. I was in the process of conveyancing on my old house sale (and despairing of having to put up with my horrible ex) while MrSG’s ex was continuing her affair and spending most nights sleeping at her boyfriend’s (parents’) house. Yes, readers, they actually conducted an extramarital affair in his parents house.

I think the difference is that neither of us were lying to anyone about anything. That is the thing that’s make you think: ‘does your wife know you’re separated?’

Glad the date was better than expected @MyOldBrainStoppedWorking. It sounds like he needs a hobby though. I can totally understand why you’d want someone who isn’t in some winding down to retirement limbo.

What made you think there may be some homophobia, @MrDrummer?

Glad it’s going so well @Ant330. Introducing her to some friends is definitely something. You’ll probably be wanting one of the super comfy smitten bench cushions.

I’m also glad you had a great time on holiday, @Marlboroandmalbec34. It sounds like the situation with MrBig has improved. Friends indeed.

9 weeks @JeSuisPrest. And 😍😍😍. How lovely. I think blurting it out during a muddy coalie back through a field sounds way more romantic than anything candlelit. Imagine if your life were a movie: that would make a way better scene. And obviously would be much more you.

I’m so happy that @shitwithsugaron is still all loved up too. Lovely, lovely stuff.

MrSG and I managed to have our first proper argument at the weekend. He was a dick on Saturday night (he was drunk, but it’s no excuse). We’ve sorted it out and he’s very apologetic. He definitely will not be doing that again.

On the positive side, I met several of his old friends and realised that we’ve started to indicate the length of the relationship as ‘about a year now’. I think I may have to stop taking up space on the smitten bench and invent a chintz sofa of well established relationships (rather than dating adventures) in the corner. Obviously you are all welcome to join me here (should you want to). It’s less exciting than any of the dating adventures benches but we have nice biscuits.

Crustaceans · 18/06/2019 09:22

I hope the date on Thursday is good, @NotAProperGrownUp. OLD can be terrifying, especially after a long relationship.

I’m laughing at your description of the match lists.

Sunshineandflipflops · 18/06/2019 09:38

@Crustaceans I'm glad you and Mr SG managed to make up after your first argument. Almost a year...wow!

Yes, I don't think it was a surprise to anyone that Mr SAS ended up in my bed (amongst other places) but it felt right and ended a perfect day. I don't think it will be happening again as we have no intention of 'dating' again and he is about to have a small op, which means recovery time of a couple of weeks so I won't see him anyway until/unless we go to another gig or something.

I'm keeping contact with Mr Art but he isn't free on my one child free evening for the next week (tonight) and I need my interest stoking a bit more than that. His messages are also either very sexual or just a bit vanilla so something in between would be good.

Poor guy, I just think I'm comparing my chemistry with Mr SAS with him and it's never going to come close.

OP posts:
Crustaceans · 18/06/2019 09:50

I know, nearly a year. We ‘met’ on tinder on either 12 or 13 July last year (I just checked when our first WA message was).

It’s hard to imagine getting there sometimes in the midst of OLD. Actually, I can vividly remember feeling like it might be impossible to get anywhere with it at one point.

MrSG was a spectacular dick for about 10 minutes on Saturday night. He said something really stupid and I was really upset. He obviously gave himself quite a scare though, as a result. So there definitely will not be a repeat of it. He’s realised that he does not ever want to upset me or do anything that might put me off him.

It doesn’t really sound like you’re feeling it with MrArt (despite the much interrupted film viewing the other night). He’ll never win chemistry wise against MrSAS, but I wonder if you compare them so much because he isn’t exactly setting your heart on fire anyway.

Savoretti · 18/06/2019 09:54

Thank you @Crustaceans. I do believe Mr TooMarriedForMyLiking is separated as in no sex, separate rooms etc, but not enough to the extent they are both happily dating others. She blows very hot and cold and clearly wears the trousers. He jumps when she says, more out of fear than anything else as he doesn’t want to upset the status quo. I need someone further down the line than that, simply co-habiting wouldn’t bother me, but family cycling trips at the weekend are a no for me. And just found out they are going on holiday all together in the Summer Shock.
Consoling myself on the apps chatting to others.

Crustaceans · 18/06/2019 10:03

Yes. That’s definitely less separated than I’d find acceptable.

Before I started OLD I had to endure a couple of days of ‘family holiday’ with my ex and DS. It had been booked for months and DS hadn’t been taken on holiday for a couple of years. I shared a bed with DS (which I like sharing with an octopus), but it was still less than ideal. After 2 nights ex fucked off to a work thing so I got the rest of the time as just me and DS. I don’t think I could have gone if it meant playing happy families for 10 days. As it was, I was feeling murderous having spent all of one day with the bastard in a foreign city (he spent the other day with DS on his own while I went out with friends).

In fact, I didn’t even have to sit with him on the plane (which was great). He got upgraded so he sat in business class on his own while I sat right at the back of economy with DS2 who had a dreadful reaction to gluten and was seriously sick (a proper vomity migraine) for most of the flight. And still it was better than sitting on a plane for 7 hours next to my ex. 😂

LooUpdate · 18/06/2019 10:03

I have a horrible feeling I undershared at the date yesterday :( He was sharing his marriage breakup story with me (she cheated). I valued that bravery so wanted to 'give something back' so I told him about my ex (i.e. non molestation order). He looked shocked. I really regret sharing it this soon (third date). We were getting on so well and chatting each day and now I'm scared I've blew it :(

Have any of you guys overshared and deeply regretted it?

LooUpdate · 18/06/2019 10:03

OVERshared that should be!

Sunshineandflipflops · 18/06/2019 10:04

@Crustaceans I'm not high maintenance at all but I do like my interest to be kept in between seeing someone and he's just not doing it. Maybe he's not that bothered either, I don't know. NO plans for a next date yet anyway as he couldn't make tonight (going for a drink with a mate, which is absolutely fine but he seems to go out for drinks with friends a lot and I only have one child free evening in over a week so is he that bothered...?)

Mr SAS has messaged in the meantime to sat he hopes he recovers soon from his op so that I will invite him round. Now THAT has sparked my interest Grin

OP posts:
Crustaceans · 18/06/2019 10:12

You don’t sound high maintenance. You actually sound like you’re a bit ‘meh’ about MrArt and feel that he might be the same about you.

Personally I’d prioritise seeing someone I liked on their one possible day a week rather than not see them for ages.

Sunshineandflipflops · 18/06/2019 10:20

Yes, I think that's it. I enjoy Mr Art's company while I'm with him but it's too early for that to be enough to be happy waiting 11 days in between dates with vanilla messages (or very sexual ones).

I might just cool off on the messages (not that they are constant anyway) and see if he does the same of if he warms up a bit.

OP posts:
Eesha · 18/06/2019 10:24

@Sunshineandflipflops do you think that actually you and MrSAS are on the same page anyway because you both seem really keen on each other and tbh is he actually seeing anyone else. Doesn't sound like it

LilyRose88 · 18/06/2019 10:24

Mr Sailor appears to have ghosted me as he has not replied to my recent Whatsapp messages (no reply since Sunday). To be fair the communication has not been deep - mostly observations about the weather! I expect he is chatting to others which is perfectly normal, so I had better get swiping Grin.

MyOldBrain I know exactly what you mean about guys in their late 50s just coasting towards retirement. I want someone who has an interesting life, so even if they have retired they need to have some hobbies or do voluntary work that keeps them active. I get loads of messages from retired men and I still work full-time, go to the gym, do yoga, meet up with friends, have lots of holidays, and go to the theatre/comedy shows on a regular basis. And I go running when I am not injured, so I have plenty going on in my life. So many men of my age and a bit older seem to do very little, and as a result they can seem rather boring.

@Looupdate I think it is fine to share things on a third date if he did the same. It is not your fault that your break-up was more dramatic than his.

Sunshineandflipflops · 18/06/2019 10:26

@Eesha He's been on other dates since we ended things, as have I obviously. The point is though, I would happily not go on any more dates if we were seeing each other but he doesn't feel the same.

OP posts:
HairyArsedMan · 18/06/2019 10:27

@LooUpdate I don't view that as oversharing. When you like and trust each other, it leads to candour and honest communication. I would hazard a guess that he may have been shocked that someone was so dreadful to you that it came to that.

Crustaceans · 18/06/2019 10:28

I think that whether or not you are excited about messages is quite a good indication of how you feel about the whole thing. It really doesn’t sound like you’re super keen to open MrArt’s messages when they arrive, even if you have a nice time together.

In comparison, the messages between MrSG and I are never racy (ever). They’re sometimes quite embarrassingly soppy, but never racy. In fact, they’re often quite mundane at this point (‘I’m just doing an online shop. Is there anything you want?’ is not a message to set anyone’s heart aflutter) but I’m still keen to communicate with him and kind of delighted to have received a message from him.

Tbh, I think you need someone who isn’t MrSAS or MrArt (but finding the right kind of someone is always the bloody issue).

Sunshineandflipflops · 18/06/2019 10:32

@Crustaceans I think you've hit the nail on the head.

How I even start looking for that person with limited 'free' time and two men in the background though is anyone's guess.

I know the answer is to get rid of both men!

OP posts:
LooUpdate · 18/06/2019 10:33

Thanks for your reassurance guys. All our conversations aside from this one have been upbeat and playful. I feel this one was 'out of sync' with the normal flow of proceedings. I'll hang back and wait for him to contact me and when (if?) he does I will keep it light and playful the majority of the time.

Sunshineandflipflops Does he know the specifics of your childcare situation?

LilyRose88 Sorry, I'm not up to date with things; have you had any dates with Mr Sailor?

guys in their late 50s just coasting towards retirement.

I know guys in their THIRTIES that do this. Such a turn off.

Crustaceans · 18/06/2019 10:45

I know the answer is to get rid of both men!

It almost certainly is. Especially MrSAS. That may be a plaster that needs ripping off so you can move on.

@LooUpdate Hopefully he’ll get in contact and it’ll be reassuring.

Savoretti · 18/06/2019 10:53

Is Fab as bad as POF? Just signed up and ben bombarded with sex messages....
Call me old fashioned but I do prefer a ‘hi how are you message’ to start at least....
There seem to be a few decent men on there too; it’s just digging them out from the rest.
Have a quiet week so really want to get some dates in to switch off from MrTooMarried

StarryUnicorn · 18/06/2019 11:13

LooUpdate Just thought I'd give a counterpoint, don't hand over the responsibility of deciding where the conversation should head, especially if you have a preferred direction, he can't read your mind and moving on from quite a personal disclosure can be tricky to judge.

If you would like a cheerier tone, fire off a light and cheery message, if you say what you want you are more likely to get what you want?

Ant330 · 18/06/2019 11:13

Sunshine whilst I know I said a week or so ago that I wouldn't change my plans for somebody I'd only met once, I think you've been out with him a few times now so he really should be giving up a "drink with a mate" to see you on your one free night of the week.
Doesn't sound like either of you are that fussed, or maybe he just needs the kick up the arse of realising you're dating others when he can't/won't. Depends whether you're bothered enough to do it.
I'd get swiping and fill up any childfree nights with new dates if he's not available, and get what you want from MrSAS when he's back in action, but doing so with your eyes open to make sure you don't get hurt ;)

Sunshineandflipflops · 18/06/2019 11:47

@Ant330 Yeah...my thoughts too.

I guess the rubbish thing is that I don't have any free time now to see anyone else anyway as I only had tonight!

OP posts:
Ant330 · 18/06/2019 11:50

Don't be so defeatist 🤣 you don't seem to have much issue getting dates and you've got this afternoon to get one arranged Wink