Dating thread 161: (Can anybody find me) somebody to love..?

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@shitwithsugaron I hope your talk goes well. You need to be able to communicate together.

@Ant330 Great news re: your boy. I have worried about how much my separation might have affected my children but so far, feedback from both schools has been positive. My daughter is going through a bit of a tough time emotionally at the moment but that's more around her identity than our separation (i hope). I have tried so so hard to keep my personal feelings and hurt about my ex's affair to myself and separate from him as a parent to our kids.

I have just arranged next wee's date (number 2) with Mr Art. He's coming to me on the train and we're going to go for food at a place just round the corner from where I live. We then have the option of drinks at the pub next door or at my house. Depends how things go and how I feel!

JeSuisPrest okay, that makes sense. Although it is almost always a younger age they put in

I think something has happened to my POF account, as I get an error when I try to send messages and the screen takes ages to load. I assume my account has been restricted? I haven't been naughty. No swearing. No spamming.

Ant Thank you. I'm on pretty much all of them. I message if we match.

I'm definitely not George Clooney I understand it's a numbers game - and the numbers favour the women!

LilyRose88 what about gym classes? That will be where I spend most of my gym time.

LooUpdate I'm a bit more cynical and think they've put in a younger age to attract women 10-15 years younger then realised that backfires when they turn up on an actual date, so now they 'declare' it. What they should be doing is deleting and starting again, that would be the honest thing to do imo.
Don't get me wrong I've seen profiles stating a woman is 49 but declaring they're 51. I don't have an issue with that personally, but 10 years younger? Come on!!!

@Looupdate I think that gym classes are more sociable as you have time to chat to people before and after the class. I have made female friends though gym classes but had no romances, despite having done circuit training and spinning classes in the past, which have plenty of men in them. Many years ago I did once date the manager of my local sport centre as I was there so often, but he turned out to be a bit of a player!

I think the main thing is to get out and about, so you may well meet someone through your classes. Who knows, perhaps I will meet the man of my dreams at my local gym .

AverageGuy in which case it may be that your profile or messages need tweaking a bit. I'd be happy to help but I'm not really your target audience 🤣
I did get some useful tips with my profile from posters on here when I first started. However one guy did abuse that service a while ago so there will be some reticence to offer again. Perhaps stick around so people can get to 'know' you and give us an idea of what you're messaging.
I've definitely picked up plenty of tips on what not to say!
Oh and you haven't got a picture of you holding a fish have you, that's a massive no-no

averageguy welcome. If you're on Match I'll happily look at your profile if you want feedback?

Catching up here again on a fast moving thread! Still seeing Mr Lorry, though he's sent me a couple of "jokes" that are frankly misogynistic, so I'm going off him.

I've read research where men admit one of their main motivations in joining the gym was to chat up women. A significant proportion of men.

@notcoolmum so sorry to read your news

putastrawunderbaby wow. Looks like he's testing the waters to see how much you will put up with. Red flag right there.

Sunshine glad to hear your children are coping well. Like you I keep any anger or upset hidden, so he has no idea (well I don't think so) that his mum had an affair and will never hear it from me. For all her faults she's a good mum and he needs that.
I'm just very proud of him that he's turning it around, not perfect but on the right track. And it sounds like you're dealing with it well for your kids

I think there’s an age gap limit for messaging on POF. So I’d imagine taking a decade off their age means they can message much younger women.

I may be a cynic. 😂

@looupdate maybe I am just totally unapproachable then, as I have never been chatted up at the gym .

putastrawunderbaby I have zero tolerance towards misogynistic jokes. It is horrible when someone you like shows a different side to themselves. Is it something you feel able to talk about with him?

@Ant330 Exactly the same here. My kids don't know why we separated (other than Mummy and Daddy weren't making each other happy anymore, which was bollocks). If they ask in the future I won't lie (he is still
With the OW) but I won't be offering up the truth either. They don't need to know their dad treated their mum like shit just yet.

Thanks for the offers of profile reviews. I'm reticent to do so, particularly if that sort of thing has the potential to be abused...

I have had female friends check it out, and have been told it looks ok.

No, no fish, just me!

I think the men who actually go to the gym are the ones who joined because they wanted to go to the gym and exercise. The ones that were hoping to meet women there probably sign up, go once and don’t really bother again.

I’ve seen the state of MrSG after he’s been exercising. I’m not convinced the sweaty man in the gym look is the best way to pick up women. 😂

looupdate and lilyrose88 thank you - I struggle to see warning signs after a 20+ year abusive marriage (like so many of us here!) and really appreciate you flagging this up. I was thinking it was just a bit "off" but you're right, it's the sign of a deeper attitude. I'll see if he responds to talking about it.

@Ant330 So pleased for your son. When my parents split up it was my dad that broke the news to me (I was about 8). I don't really remember much from the conversation apart from him saying "It's the little people that count the most". That's stuck with me all these years later (I never actually saw him again but that's another story and I suspect plays a huge part in my attachment/insecurity issues...) I can't say STBXH and I were paragons of virtue 24/7 whilst we were in the process of splitting and there are things our DD heard which I wish she hadn't, but all we can do is make the best of things going forward.

@BatShitCrazyWoman - great post

Hello to the newbies

I'd never date anyone from my gym - I like going and the thought of having to avoid an ex if it didn't work out would be more hassle than it's worth. The thought of actually meeting a person in real life and hitting it off seems quite alien to me now and I'm in awe of anyone who manages it.

Sunshine we're in very similar situations then. She is still with the other man, but is telling everybody that they've just started dating.
And the crap she's told my son to justify why she's dating one of his dad's 'mates' is just mind blowing when compared to what he's done to his own family.
One of the hardest moments I've had so far to simply reply "yes I'm sure you're right bud" when I asked him if he was ok and he trotted it out. Fortunately he is still young and naive enough to take things at face value.

CassettesIsBack! Lovely hol with friend who is even nicer than I thought. Lots of long chats about divorces, dating and her new relationship. Reminded me that even once you've found someone you 'love' it's still not easy. Feel I have a mountain yet to climb as a result

Have skimmed the thread (thanks sunshine. If you could indeed find me someone to love, that would be great. Thanks)

Re slow GP service (lifegoes I think?). I know it varies a lot depending on where you live, but it is worth shopping around with GPs. My new one is well-run and manages to get me cancellation appointments with my own GP within 24 hours - I think purely because it makes it so easy for people to cancel an appointment using an automated service. Just a thought. A 4 week wait is a fucking disgrace.

Simon I love your sleepwalk routine (though would hate to experience it with a new iron). I sometimes have to share a bed with my adult DD. She often sleeptalks. Most recently she asked me, in the depths of the night and ever so politely, if I would care to see her greenhouse . Interestingly she was the one who had night terrors as a baby.

Notcool

Glad you had a great holiday @CassettesAreCool.

You’re right that it’s not just a case of finding someone to love and living happily ever after. You are, after all, dealing with another human being. And, at our stages of life, that other human being will have as much baggage of their own as we do.

MrSG is currently feeling very down about his living situation (and a lingering illness that’s prevented him from going to the gym much for the last couple of months). His house is proving really tough to sell and the inability to move on properly is getting him down.

It says a lot about you, @Ant330, that you are able to choke everything down and pretend everything is fine and lovely for your son.

I have never, and would never, tell either of my children the truth about my relationship with ex. DS1 knows more because he’s older, but there are things that it would not help either of them to know. MrSG did ask me at one point why I hadn’t told them things - but I just explained that it wouldn’t be to anyone’s benefit. Not even mine.

I’d like DS2 to have the best possible relationship with his father (much as I hate my ex) because that’s the best thing for DS2. My parents both behaved dreadfully during their (drawn out divorce) and used their children as pawns. I think my mother justifies it to herself that she was ‘only telling the truth’ but that wasn’t it at all. She had no need to tell us things and it was obviously intended to damage our relationship with our father. He was just as bad (actually) worse on the bitter, parental alienation front (and the general just being an arsehole front).

I’m not going to repeat their mistakes!

I took DS2 to the GP this morning (I phoned absurdly late and managed to get a cancellation). However, the GP was running an hour late so it took ages. It was worth it though, as the GP changed his medication so hopefully he’ll be feeling better than he has over the last 8 weeks.

@Ant330 It's tough isn't it? My kids were introduced to the ow as daddies girlfriend, 6 months after we separated but they had no idea she was his girlfriend before we separated
If they ever mention her (which actually isn't often) I just have to force a smile and say something like "oh, that's nice".

To be honest though, if it wasn't for the kids I think I would have been a lot more bitter about it all. They have made me be less angry because I think if you pretend long enough, you start to not need to pretend.

@Crustaceans oh really good point my GP was and has always been amazing.