Dating thread 161: (Can anybody find me) somebody to love..?

[Sunshineandflipflops]

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

@Notcoolmum

I’m really sorry to hear that MrS behaved badly @Notcoolmum. We will all be here to ‘listen’ when you’re ready.

I think a really depressing number of women have experienced similar to me. It’s terrible that it happened to you too.

Sorry to hear this notcool - hope you're ok

notcoolmum sorry lovely

shitwith you are a big brave bear! Hope it goes ok with bookworm

simon I feel like I live in a skip so no thanks on your maid service

arley a slightly different perspective. My abusive ex used to swear and shout in his sleep. I used to accept it as sleep talking but actually he was a very angry man and it slowly became obvious it was his temper. I am not saying your guy is like that but I would be upset if someone was swearing at me and would be aware of it. My issue I know.

@SimonJT that's hilarious.

@Notcoolmum sorry to hear things have ended badly.

Thanks for the new thread.

Notcool 💐 I'm sorry it's ended and that MrS behaved badly.

shitwith you can do it - you have the whole thread holding your hand. Far better to talk about these things.

Welcome to all newbies - this thread is so supportive and good fun, too, at times.

Arley like Marlboro my exh was similar and I would find that behaviour triggering and I'd struggle to cope.

I think it's testament to the awesomeness of all of us, men and women, on this thread, that despite having been in abusive, narcissistic relationships, we're still getting out there and doing our thing, liking and loving and hurting, getting knocked but getting back up again. to all of us.

I was married to a completely fucked up, dysfunctional, alcoholic narcissist for nearly 3 decades, and those scars run really deep. During the divorce he was determined to break me, did hideous things that still affect me 3 years on, but I dug in my heels and battled through because it was the only way to be free. I wake up every morning thankful I am out.

Blimey 😕 Here endeth the sermon for today

I’d feel jittery too @shitwithsugaron. I hope it goes well. You’ll feel better by doing the grown up thing and talking about it (even if the prospect has your stomach churning).

Good luck tonight shitwith hope it goes ok.
From everything you've previously posted he sounds like a thoroughly decent and fun guy, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he just needs to understand he doesn't need to put any defensive walls up where you're concerned as you're clearly happy to support him when he needs it.
But he also needs to take on board how his comments made you feel, so 🤞 for you.

So todays the day, MrNoName is at my work for the day, genuinely a bit nervous!

Hear hear @BatshitCrazyWoman

I did 15 years and he's reasonable as an ex. And I too wake up every morning so happy to be free.

Yes @BatshitCrazyWoman. We are all amazing (even when we feel least like it).

Good luck for today, @SimonJT.

Isn’t it funny how we sometimes talk about our dreadful exes like prison sentences. I did a decade. But I’m free now and I’m never going back to that.

Good post batshit but this is the line that resonated "I wake up every morning thankful I am out".
Even when dating feels a bit shit, or I feel lonely and don't think I'll find the right person, I know I'm still much much happier than I was before and know I made the right decision!

Also well off topic but need to tell somebody 🤣 I'm very proud of my son today. We had parents evening last night, and he clearly struggled more than he let on during the seperation and his schoolwork and behaviour deteriorated. But he's back on track again which I'm really happy about and makes me more determined to keep smiling through whatever my ex does 🤣

Well done your son, @Ant330. These things are tough for everyone (but better in the end).

ant glad your boy is back in track. 🙌

Have fun simon

My “sentence” was 13 years. I should be divorced by the end of summer. I also wake up everyday so thankful that I made the decision to leave the violent, alcoholic twat! Sometimes I miss having someone BUT never miss him

Hello everyone and welcome all newbies! This thread is amazing, so supportive and really helps you see the wood for the trees.

@Ant330 a big yay for your boy. 👍🏻

@shitwithsugaron hope all goes ok tonight and you can clear the air and move forwards.

@notcoolmum I’m sorry to hear that, we’re here when you’re ready.

In my little world things are weird but lovely. Mr Eagle is turning out to be quite the keeper - he’s sweet, funny, kind, thoughtful, communicative. I feel very comfortable with him, and we’ve had some good chats about his situation (he’s the one that’s a bit more married than I’d like - I.e. separated but not divorced and very involved with his family.) I feel confident that his head is in a better place now and his actions are matching his words. We’ve actually booked a weekend away in July together. 😳

I’ve had two counselling sessions and I’m finding them helpful, it’s interesting to get someone else’s take on things. It’s also very cathartic to talk about 15 years of Stuff with someone who can help you make sense of it.

Can I join in? I've been lurking for a while..
I'm male, nearer 60 than 50, divorced for a couple of years, (after a 20 year "sentence" - I think that's brilliant btw.. ) but only recently started OLD, and it's a jungle out there!

I'm matching with people, and send light-hearted (definitely non-sexual!) messages, but never get a response. What's the point of matching with someone if you aren't going to communicate with them?

AverageGuy welcome
Which sites are you using and who is liking or messaging who first?
What I will say, and I'm 47 so not much younger than you, is that the number of likes and messages that women receive are many many multiples more than we will ever get. Unless you look like George Clooney in which case I don't want to talk to you anymore!
But it is unfortunately a numbers game, and I tend to find that at the point you're starting to think it's a complete waste of time suddenly a conversation will start, and then once you've got a chat you're enjoying it's like buses and more start popping up. So persevere.
Lots of guys, and personally I don't like this approach, will swipe right on everybody and then cherry pick from the matches they get. Which means women get absolutely bombarded and therefore getting your message to stand out is difficult.
The last woman I was seeing received 2800 messages in one week, it's impossible to read them all. The woman I've just started seeing doesn't even bother reading messages unless it's somebody she's messaged or liked first.
I'm worrying I'm going to put you off completely which isn't my intention, just to make you realise it's probably not what you're saying that's putting them off, just sheer volume.
Keep at it, be proactive, but also be selective and picky based on your criteria. And my recommendation, although I'm no expert by any means, is keep your opening messages short and snappy, amusing but not dirty, and show you've read their profile.
I've tried longer messages and they got me nowhere.
Hopefully somebody else can come along and paint a rosier picture than me 🤣

Great thread title.

Okay I have some rants/questions concerning POF:

1. Men who's age is entered as 36 but their profile says "my age is actually 46". This happens SO often. Does POF have a glitch that causes this?

1. Is it worth upgrading to paid account?

1. I'm getting a million errors on POF mobile app this morning. Anyone else having trouble?

@Crustaceans and @lifegoes so sorry to hear about your abusive exes. So many of us have experienced this and I also credit Mumsnet with helping me to realise that it was my abusive ex who was at fault, and not me. It took me a while to end the relationship, but I am thankful every day for the fact that I am no longer with him.

*@Ant330*excellent news about your son.

I had a rubbish message from Mr K today after our lovely first date and messaging every day, with our second date arranged for tomorrow. Apparently he feels that we are not a good long term match for each other and has decided not to carry on seeing me. This is after sending me a message last night telling me how much he was looking forward to seeing me on Friday! Of course I have no idea what is going on in his life but it is quite depressing that we got on so well and he has pulled the plug on it. .

I am going to visit the new gym that I fancy joining and maybe look into joining some local Meetup groups as I am really fed up with online dating at the moment. I know that after a few days I will get back onto it but it is just such a fiasco at times.

I am going to visit the new gym that I fancy joining and maybe look into joining some local Meetup groups as I am really fed up with online dating at the moment

I'm joining my local gym today too. Mostly for mental health purposes, but if I meet someone that would be fab :) Have you been a gym-goer before? I've never attended a unisex gym till now. Exciting!

@LooUpdate re the age thing on POF I think they set up a profile putting any old age in just so they can access the site and see what's "on offer". Then they realise POF doesn't allow you to change your age once the profile has been set up. They can't be bothered to go through the hassle of setting up another profile with their correct age so they just put a correction note in their bio.🤷🏻‍♀️

@Looupdate I am quite a gym bunny and have always been a member of a gum but have never met anyone through a gym! My current gym is one of those no frills gyms and people never chat at all, and it is quite soulless. My local gym is much smaller, a bit more expensive, but it looks more friendly. I also do Park Run (when my ankle is not injured) and again have never met anyone there, despite people telling me that it is a good place to meet people.

I do find that exercise is brilliant for my mental health. I am an anxious over-thinker with rejection issues and it helps clear my mind. I actually have a running shirt that says 'Running is my Therapy' on the front .