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Confronting DH about his sulking

(980 Posts)
jamaisjedors Tue 11-Dec-18 13:40:06

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

MMmomDD Tue 11-Dec-18 14:03:53

It’s hard to tell what gojng on.
If it’s just occasional sulking hwre and there - surely after 20 years you must have gotten used to it.
But it sounds like there must be other issues.

Adora10 Tue 11-Dec-18 14:09:45

It's a for of abuse, mental torture, wouldn't care if i had been with him 20 years, I'd have to tell him it stops now or else I'd rather split; you should not have to find a way to cope with this; it's not fricken normal OP! He's using it as a way to punish you and he's getting away with it, only you can stop it; do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone so blatantly horrible?

jamaisjedors Tue 11-Dec-18 14:11:08

Thanks for replying. Honestly I haven't got used to it, which is also why I'm doubting myself and wondering if I'm over sensitive and whether someone else would just laugh it off.

But he has specifically said he is doing it to punish/hurt me which I'm not sure if I can forgive any more.

RyderWhiteSwan Tue 11-Dec-18 14:12:15

So he goes into a massive sulk, and you're supposed to ask him why and placate him? Fuck that noise! he's an adult, not a 5 year old.

jamaisjedors Tue 11-Dec-18 14:12:56

He has done it on multiple occasions and I'm not sure what to say to him to make it clear it's not acceptable.

jamaisjedors Tue 11-Dec-18 14:15:12

In the past I have asked him what's wrong and he will say it's nothing, he has back ache but then continue to ignore me and yet interact normally with the DC.

At the time he covers it up saying he's sick or sore and I am being unsympathetic but at the same time makes it clear that he is cross with me.

MattBerrysHair Tue 11-Dec-18 14:16:30

It's not your job to ask what's wrong. If he wants to communicate something to you he can do it like grown ups do, with words.

RyderWhiteSwan Tue 11-Dec-18 14:17:10

Just carry on with normal life, ignore the sulking/silent treatment, and take steps to leave. Kids cope, and life is too short to live with sulky arseholes who won't own their brattish behaviour. Teach your DC that you are a strong woman, and no woman should put up with shoddy behaviour from their partner.

ILiveInSalemsLot Tue 11-Dec-18 14:21:54

Tell him to grow up.
Why doesn’t he actually tell you what’s going on for him instead of sulking? It’s ridiculous.

jamaisjedors Tue 11-Dec-18 14:23:21

I feel like I need to give him an ultimatum and not just walk, but then I think that may damage things irreparably anyway.

jamaisjedors Tue 11-Dec-18 14:24:16

If you met him you would think he was the most grown up person ever, very successful, super organized etc.

RyderWhiteSwan Tue 11-Dec-18 14:26:53

Oh yes, he doesn't want anyone else seeing his ridiculous sulking. It's reserved for you, and as a pp said, it's a form of abuse. Aimed solely at you. Think about that.

pallasathena Tue 11-Dec-18 14:28:23

Mirror his behaviour. Play him at his own game. Take back your own power OP.

WhoKnewBeefStew Tue 11-Dec-18 14:28:29

If it was now and again id let it slide. However if he's using this to either punish you, or get what he wants, it's really not acceptable. It can be a form if abuse, if you're walking on egg shells to ensure you front upset him to stop him sulking then it's a problem.

Op if struggle to be with someone who used sulking to resolve issues rather than being able to sit and discuss problems like an adult

ILiveInSalemsLot Tue 11-Dec-18 14:33:05

Just point out how unattractive and pathetic his immature sulking is then ignore him and get on with your life.

mikado1 Tue 11-Dec-18 14:36:05

I found you jamaisjedors, I hope you find me, v v similar alright but your dc obviously didn't suffer the angry explosions with it so I get why you kept going. This reminds me of a rare hotel stay we had where dh was silent throughout despite excited small dc etc. Joyless.

jamaisjedors Tue 11-Dec-18 14:40:57

Absolutely mikado1.

He has done it in holiday before too. The DC pick up there is something wrong so they give him lots of extra cuddles.

Adora10 Tue 11-Dec-18 14:44:09

He knows he can get away with it OP, he's probably been pushing the boundaries for a while and this is the point you have reached; you don't have to accept this and in fact do you really want to be with a man that enjoys making you upset and hurt, you have a lot of thinking to do.

Dimsumlosesum Tue 11-Dec-18 14:48:10

So why the hell do you deserve to be treated like this, yet he places more importance on all his other relationships (boss, friends, kids etc) and can manage not to treat THEM like shit? IS it because maybe he knows he can't get away with it with them?

CarolDanvers Tue 11-Dec-18 14:49:12

He will do it to your kids soon enough. Once they stop placating him and trying to manage his mood with "extra cuddles". They're walking on egg shells too you know, if they're giving him extra cuddles to try and get him out of his mood. You watch, your kids are growing up to learn that sulking is how to conduct relationships. He sounds like an immature arsehole.

jamaisjedors Tue 11-Dec-18 15:12:24

You are right that the kids are learning from it and it scares me.

Ds2 sulks and often takes his plate to eat in another room when he is in a grump (particularly with DH).

jamaisjedors Tue 11-Dec-18 15:14:23

I think I have facilitated this by covering up foe him.

For example at the weekend I guess I should have just taken the kids home if he was going to sulk all weekend but it seems overdramatic to do that to them so I try to brush over it for them or for others who are around.

HouseworkIsASin10 Tue 11-Dec-18 15:25:07

You should have nipped this in the bud from the off.

My DH (then DP) tried a sulk once when we had a tiff in the early stages of our relationship.

I told him in no uncertain terms that we don't sulk in this house. If we've got an issue we talk about it like adults, and if he can't deal with that then he could get to fuck.

So a sheepish apology and no sulking ever again.

jamaisjedors Tue 11-Dec-18 15:39:58

I know. I feel like I've tried every approach, ignoring, getting angry, cajoling...

I should have walked before we had kids, but it wasn't as bad then. It has got worse since we've had them and it has always seemed necessary to carry on with life.

Plus for years he told me I was imagining it and that he was I'll or in Pain and I was heartless and over sensitive and making it all about me.

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